MIL wants to bring baby home from hospital..

[Elizabeth120914]

MIL has just informed me that she's booked two weeks off work to 'help' with baby and she's going to be there to bring her home.. It takes 3 apparently and she will be giving me breaks from the baby...!!!

Don't tell me it's nice she's a control freak who has already tried to stop me breast feeding and take over everything. OH is having no time off at all so il be home alone with her and she lives just down the road.

I asked her to look after the dog ffs!! She has a key now and can 'come and go'.

I have no relationship with my useless mother or family so there's no one to back her off and my friends are 40 miles away.

Because of OHs shit planning she is also going to have to bring him to the hospital the LAST place I wanted her..

My blood pressure is going thought the f'ing roof right now!!

Ps we are 32 and 35 not 18 and apparently quite intelligent so I'm sure can manage!! Arrgggghhh dim whit has just agreed and now she's over the moon someone shoot me

My MIL sounds a bit like yours. When I was pregnant with my son she gave me a list of names she liked then told me to choose. Then in my next pregnancy she decided she was going to be there at the actual birth. She was incredibly persistent, even going as far as saying that she would tell the staff on the delivery suite that she was my mother - my mums been dead for years. As you can imagine this was so so stressful, and my DH wouldn't grow a pair.

As it happened, even I wasn't there properly for DD's birth - she was breech, wouldn't turn and when they tried to give me an epidural it failed several times so I ad to have a GA to have her

OMG. Your only defence weapon here is breastfeeding. No matter how hard, how painful DON'T GIVE UP! I had a similar situation with my MIL and so breastfed until 13 months as it was my best excuse to say no to her as the DCs couldn't leave me for any length of time. Also, DD was born during the swine flu epidemic and as the vaccine wasn't out yet, my midwife advised me to stay with DD all the time to give her maximum protection (i.e I'd always be exposed to the same germs so would make antibodies for her in my breast milk). So that stopped MIL taking her out for a walk etc!

I agree she sounds like a nightmare but I'm concerned that you don't seem to have any alternative plan for support or any idea how floored having a newborn can make you. What if you have a Csection and can't drive? Your DH needs to prioritise having a few days off to support you and bond with LO, you can't get that time back. Who is going to bring you a cup of tea/ hold baby whilst you shower/ make the dinner?

Yes, you need to be aware of the reality of a newborn. If you need a rest, then driving to your sister's with a newborn would probably be bottom of the list of things you want to do or indeed be capable of doing. If you have a difficult baby and no help then you may well end up in the position of only having a couple of hours sleep here and there for weeks days (as I did, and I had DH around, but constant bfing can be like that). If you have a c-section, you won't be allowed to drive. If you have a bad tear you might not want to. If you have a constantly screaming baby (as some do) you might need to hand the baby over and get out of the house just to keep your sanity.

Of course it could be fine and you could have an easy birth and an easy baby, but you shouldn't count on it.

She sounds a nightmare! Have been having some problems myself as live close to inlaws who never really cut the apron strings with my DH. So far I have been accused of poisoning my DD and using the car seat wrong amongst other things . Fortunately the massive blow out I had with DH over this (he also agreed she was interfering fortunately) has meant that we are now stronger as a unit and he now recognises when his family is interfering. So stand your ground and talk to your DH. definitely get the key back today if you can.

My family on the other hand are lovely. My mum stayed close when the baby was born (actually at the PILs so she saw the weirdness first hand) and was at our house when we bought the baby home but she stayed in the garden and did gardening for about 4 hours and then hid in the kitchen doing the dinner. I had to force DD on her the next day for a cuddle (before she went home as she lives miles away). PILs on the other hand are 'baby grabbers', weirdly the FIL more than the MIL...

I havent been able to stop DH sending a million photos to them on a special whatsapp account they set up though (I don't have whatsapp )

If I have to have a c-section OH will have to stay h

If I have to have a c-section OH will have to stay home stuff the money there's no way I'm having someone I don't like helping me or taking over my house when I'm that unwell. I've had abdominal surgery before so I've got an idea how rough I could be.. None of this has registered with him he lives in the moment which is bloody annoying!!

I did point out to him last night if he had stitches in his man bits and had to get intimate body parts out would he want my mother watching and he had to admit no.. MIL isn't mumsy or sympathetic ever she's the worst person for anything he does know this she's never looked after any of them ..

I'm sure I'm going to be totally exhausted but il just have to manage as best I can il still be exhausted with MIL around plus probably having a break down too!!

It's all far from ideal but I'm sure others have to crack on with very limited support il just have to see how things pan out I'm hoping that OH might have a few days if necessary my sister can't stay here as she has a 7 year old. What a mess I must be bonkers!!

But even if you don't have a c section you probably will have some stitches. For a couple of days I needed DH to hold DD whilst I got into the least painful sitting position I could ready for feeding.

I've got a lot closer to my MIL since having children. My mother is rubbish. I have to admit my MIL was very helpful with cooking, cleaning etc and I wouldn't begrudge her a cuddle with all she did.

Second time around she was invaluable as she came to stay and looked after two year old DD.

My second is a DS and it has given me a new outlook on MILs given I'll probably be one myself one day....!

What is it with MIL and their sons babies it's like they become obsesssed I'm sure they see it as their son reborn. I had exactly same with my 1st she would take the baby off me as soon as she walked in then insist on sitting for hours nursing him instead of putting him back in moses basket or pram to sleep - I obviously didn't want baby to get used to this as it would do me no favours in the long run. Whilst pregnant with dc2 she would text phone come round several times a day to see if my labour had started I'm sure she thought I was going to give birth and keep it a big secret.
Currently pregnant with dc3 had a 10wk scan on Mon MIL telling me how she thinks it looks like my other children - its still like a blob ffs it doesn't look like anything at the minute!
My advice is not to ignore her or shut her out completely as she'll just be on your doorstep every 5 farts but maybe say that you'll walk the baby down to her for an hour every day to give you a change of scenery benefits everyone she gets to see baby every day but you are deciding when in the day and for how long just stay for a cup of tea let her fuss for half hour and then go home. When she starts telling you what thebababy does and doesn't like and what's best just nod politely then ignore it all and do what you think is best you are Mum and know what your child wants better than anyone.
Good luck x

Why is it so many women think it is a wanted to help to hold somebody else's precious baby so they can do housework? My mil was the same especially for second child. She lives abroad and came to stay with us just before dd was born. No way was I letting her hold dd so I could vacuum etc. it was a relief when she left as her being there was an additional person for us to look after.

There's no going round there for less than 3 hours!! Last Thursday she got locked in I went to rescue her at 8.50 and was still there at 1 there's no escape from the woman!! I got up to go at least 4 times she likes to hold court!! At least here she tends to want to go home .. Sometimes ;)

I'm sure it's lovely if you become close etc but there's no agenda to help at all it's just getting what she wants which is the baby.. She's already writing lists of routines, telling us what to do and even booked a family photo shoot which I've said repeatedly I don't want it's my worse nightmare I hate my picture taken!!

As others have said she sees herself as the mother which is the issue and that the parenting should be done as it was 35 years ago when OH was a baby. Hence the no breast feeding she wants to feed her and have her there.

When we bought our house she kept turning up at silly times like 9 she's got us out of bed not so long ago telling is where we are going wrong with dsd..

I'm a private person I'm afraid as ironically she is who has no problem with their own space and I've been fiercely independent since moving out at 18 we had to live there for 3 months last year and I nearly went mad while there was a problem at our house.. FIL is more reasonable I think I might have a word with him and see if he can mediate...

The last thing I want is a huge fall out with her but if she doesn't back off there will be one I'm not going to ruin as others have said my first experience of being a parent by being rail roaded or monitored every five minutes I don't know why when I've told her politely a million times it hasn't sunk in ...

I actually said to my in-laws the words that I was thinking:

"I want to be able to sit around for the first few weeks with my boobs out, probably crying and whinging, and not having to queue for the bathroom at any point in the day. I'm uncomfortable about doing that with anyone other than (boyfriend), so I'd like it that you don't come and stay in those first few weeks - I'll pay for a B&B if that's a problem for you - although of course you'll be welcome to visit during the day, just please bear in mind the boobs out and crying bit."

That was as honest as I could get it. They live 3 hours away, of course they're not going to do a half hour visit and then leave, but the alternative of them staying for a week or something is just a no. I needed to suggest an alternative that I could work with. I don't think MIL really 'got' it, she just kept repeating how great they are with babies, how she had her mum to stay for a fortnight afterwards etc. But the next morning FIL spoke to my boyfriend and said all the right things. Realistically if I'm in need of help, it's my mum I'll phone, NOT my MIL anyway. My parents are 40 minutes away, so they can do visit and leave a bit more easily, but again I wouldn't want them staying in my house.

I feel pretty strongly about this - I don't want to be really shitty about it and say I don't want any help, because I expect I will (and who knows what state I'll be in after birth anyway), but I also need to learn how to cope with things on my own. More to the point, the boyfriend will be a parent too - WE need to learn to cope with things on our own.

Try and say things matter of factly, without rage or crying. Just state your case. And ideally change the subject straight afterwards - there doesn't need to be room for argument there.

ohthegoats that sounds perfect i think il steal that from you. That's part of what worries me I don't feel comfortable with her being in my house all the time let alone as you say boobs out and emotional.

Thing is if im feeling ok il not mind and I'd ask her round but it's the pressure she's piling on that's making me feel so strongly she's just pushing me away. People are so thick!

Why are people just so bloody stupid and selfish. It's YOUR time with your baby you don't need people hovering round pretending they're trying to help

I'm not even pregnant yet but all my family and his family know where I stand and they know they're not getting an inch through my door unless I invite them - and they know how stroppy I can be! Sounds awful but I'd read way too much on here so made people aware of how I felt without sort of saying it directly if you get me

Oh no OP you need to nip this in the bud NOW.

I agreed that MIL could stay with us for 2.5 weeks after the arrival of DC2 (lives 4 hours away). She's only been here 3 days and I already feel so sad and angry that these precious days are being ruined . Non-stop interferring, criticising and baby-grabbing. It's really causing problems with OH, too .

Oh and I've had a c-section , have a hyper 3yo DC1 and DC2 is a tongue-tied velcro boob monster... Still I'd much much rather be on my own! You do sound like you can stand your ground so I hope you can sort it now so you can enjoy your baby in your own terms!

morphinedreams good on you! I never saw it coming when we were Ttc it started when I was 5 weeks and OH told then and she was fuming because I wouldn't let her tell everyone!! I didn't tell work till I was 16 weeks it does strange things to MILs!

Not sure what to advise as PP have already said it.

Get hold of those keys, and make it clear she can visit but not stay. Think she has forgotten the baby isn't an extension for her son but an actual person!

My DDad is excessively controlling (possibly has some issues... verbalises heroic dad fantasies to people e.g. he bought my house for me to my neighbour. Also can just be plain meddling/a control freak. He lost a parent young and immigrated soon after, think it's made him like that). He also has this strange all-or-nothing blackmail thing (e.g. I will fix that concrete in your garden like I offered, but I also want to paint in my favourite colour. If you object, I will behave massively hurt and refuse to do any of it).

Thankfully, he isn't that 'into' the milk and poo stage of babies. So relieved. DM/DDad live nearby and DM told me she'll 'pop in when asked'. Phew.

But I did have plans about being very firm and even getting a sympathetic MW to give leaflets or official guidance about new mums needing 'quiet time' to almost say "sorry doctor's orders you can't stay".

missyamabuki you poor thing.. This is what I'm scared of the row with OH I don't give a shit about monster in law being upset but it's a precious time for us. We have always had dsd and the whole family for every Christmas, new year and birthday and it always becomes about his family it's not happening this time... Obviously we will have people over but I'm not being taken over if I have to whip the boobs out and have a melt down so be it!

My mil is normally the nicest,sweetest person in the world,but she went berserk when ds was born. Just lost the bloody plot and engaged in all kinds of shit,exactly along the same lines as your mil.

I regret that I didn't insist that bf needed to occur when I was alone,in a quiet room (with book/mn/crap magazine). Both pil's rocked up when I fed 'to watch' and bloody comment! 'twas a nightmare. Anyhow,I was daft,I should have stood my ground,told some massive whoppers and insisted on some peace and quiet. I will put money chocolate money on your mil hassling during bf too.

Having said all that she has lost interest a bit as ds grew,she loves him with all her heart but the crazy behaviour lasted until he was 3 ish.

It has also backfired- Ds insists on her playing trains endlessly with him and I never seem to notice when she is bored rigid and needs rescuing. Funny that.

Lol trains! She has to be forced to play with dsd aged 11 she just likes to tell is where we are going wrong constantly she hates Dsds mum though so I think she sees this as her 'chance' to be grandma of the year god help us! Hopefully the novelty will wear off pretty quickly..

Thankfully OH is pretty squeamish so don't think he would let them watch- if he's ever actually here! Il be the only effectively single parent 6 days a week still stuck with the inlaws!!

Elizabeth, you really need to get your DH onside with this.

Currently he is discussing things with his mother, then informing you. He needs to be discussing things with you, and then informing his mother.

If you are scared of the row with him, then nothing will change. You need to be prepared to have the row with him, if that's what it will take. (And there may be no row; he may get it if you explain it to him.)

It's not your responsibility to make it up to your PIL to make up for the fact that they missed out on DSD early years, sad as that situation was!

These early days are about a baby bonding with their parents, particularly the mother, if she will be BFing. This is best for the baby. The adults have to come second.

Can you tell her your trying to set a schedule early and pre arrange times with her? At least if you know when to expect her it wouldn't be as bad. If you can keep your key in the door at all other times so she can't get in and just ignore the door! After a couple of days she may get the hint! Good luck

This forum is a life saver i can't tell u all how much better I feel after writing it down and getting other mums perspectives most of my friends don't have kids and I don't want to be running down the MIL to them really anyway.

I've got both midwife and health visitor next week so maybe il have a word with them and see what they suggest...?

OH just goes for the path of least resistance with MIL he knows what she's like but has no experience of babies at all and not a clue what he's letting himself in for I have much younger siblings and a young niece so sadly not at all naive!! When it comes to it he will do something but by then it will be unpleasant for all concerned..

Nightmare!!

When it comes to it he will do something but by then it will be unpleasant for all concerned

Snap.

My mil thought she was going to be present at the birth, just casually reminded me not to forget to get her when I went in labour .... She even told her 12 year old dgs that he could come to the hospital and sit out side the room if he was good at school

It still fucking winds me up now!

Dp stepped in when I said I wasn't even going to tell him when I went labour so no fucker was there. He soon put her straight .

Make you boundaries clear now because it will just get worse. At one point mil wasn't going to hand dd back when she needed feeding. We actually eye balled each other fir a few secs before I literately yanked dd of her!!

Good luck!