PLEASE HELP cant afford this baby :(

[danixx]

This is going to be very long winded (sorry) but i really need some help,
im 21 single and pregnant,
I spent the last three - four years having unprotected sex with my ex and because i never fell pregnant i assumed and so did he, that i struggled in that department. He doesnt, he has four children aging from 5 years all the way to 16.
However that relationship ended and i had a few flings nothing majour then my last fling happened, and to my suprise i found out i was pregnant
we only slept together twice really good friends and known eachother for years so the sexual side of it wasnt the biggest thing we just really got along.
my first initial thought was, im keeping the baby, i had an early scan due to come spotting and baby measured small but was too early to tell if the pregnancy was viable or not so 2 weeks later had to go for a follow up scan, it was a scary two weeks but was happy to see baby was fine.

however i then decide to tell my family the news, and it all became so real to me, im a student and havent got a penny to my name, i would receive 1200 a month in bennefits and a flat in my area is about 750 minimum unfurnished and before bills, then plus car food baby supplies etc, id be scraping by at best i would really struggle, iv never imagined bringing a baby into this world not being able to support him/her. and not in a relationship. I'm also only 21 i dont want to feel like im giving up my youth too early there so much i want to do, get a job finish college, travel etc..
all this sounds so selfish and foolish i know but im completely heartbroken. i know having an abortion will kill me inside and i will be so depressed for a long time, im not sure i'll ever get over it

i know the best thing for me would be to have an abortion, but im so scared that what if i cant concieve in the future what if there is actaully something wrong with me and i do struggle in that department, Im scared this may be my only chance.. im also scared that it would be foolish to attempt to raise a child when i know i cant give him/her the comfortable life they deserve..

i know i've been stupid and should have use contraception so please refrain from posting judgemental comments or anti abortion comments.

i myself never imagained i would EVER concider abortion, i'v always been against the idea but I suppose you never know what you would do until your in the situation and you feel how i feel right now.

Do you have a supportive family? Does your uni have childcare and extra bursaries? I know it seems like the end of the world as you know it, and its scary, but its the dtart of something else. As someone else said theres always the possibility of adoption. I also think you would benefit from counselling. Good luck x

Have you spoken to the father? My friends were in a similar boat although it was just after graduation. They weren't really in a relationship and she was off travelling when she became pregnant but when they found out they decided to try to make a go of a relationship together knowing it might not work but he wanted to be there for her. 8 years later and they're still together and married.

£1200 is about right. I'm in the SE LP to one child and (temporarily) on JSA, I'm getting £1200 totally all in. My rent is more than the LHA threshold so I have to cover the rest myself from credit cards and dribs of maintenance from XH. It wouldn't be sustainable if I didn't have a job starting shortly.

Well..1200 is more tnab I have with two babies to sort. It is totally doable. You just cant go in Next and buy all lovely baby clothes. Freecycle etc is the way to go.

Yes, it's crap you can buy new and yes, there are days I feel I have let my babies down, but love is the most important thing.

Maintenance is all very well if you have a reliable man with a regular salary. If you have a man who is self employed and/or on a low income, and who may not have the most stable of lifestyles you simply cannot rely on maintenance. My maintenance is feast or famine so I just try to make sure I'm ok without it and whatever I get is a bonus.

It depends what your rent is though need! Rent around here is £600 for a decent one bed flat, £700 for a 2 bed. My house is £800. So £1200 doesn't cover my outgoings. It just would if I were in a one bed with DS (which I would do if I was on this income longer term) but there would be literally nothing spare for emergencies, new clothes, trips, anything.

I live with nothing spare for new clothes, trips etc. They are luxuries?

My mortgage is 650. All money goes on bills and food. Not an ideal way to live and hopefully not forever.

Deep breaths Danni. I was 21 when I had my eldest. I too was in my final year at university. However, I wasn't single I was with my DH for 3 years at the time. It was a struggle, I had to go to work when DS was 12 weeks old, I did nights and my DH did days. We survived for 18 months on approximately 12 grand a year, for 2 adults and a baby, with rent of 695 a month. It can be done sweetie, I promise you. It can be tough, but if you really want this baby, which it sounds like you do, don't let money stop you x

Are you a second year student, with one more year to go, or are you at the end of your final year? If you have more time to do on your course, speak to your institution sooner rather than later about suspending for a year. You could then try and work up till the birth and save as much as you can. Don't assume you can study while baby sleeps etc - works better in my experience to take a year off then be ready to come back to it.

Serious, WTF has the 'much older man' got to.do with this? Ageism much?

Ok need, but just because people do it doesn't mean that it's a great way to live! OP may just about manage to pay the bills each month but it's perfectly reasonable to consider whether that's a quality of life she should choose willingly.
Being poor is horrible, and nothing to aspire to.

I haven't read all the comments so apologies if someone else has made this suggestion. There is an alternative to keeping the baby or having an abortion - you could give her up for adoption. This will give her a chance in life with loving parents who are able to look after her, and give the gift of a child to a person/couple who cannot have biological children.

I think the sums are correct, I got a bit less on IS when I was a single mum at a similar age. But there are various one-off grants and extra things you can get if you're savvy, as well as freebies like Freecycle which all help. I was fortunate to get a council flat after being very persistent with the council, which helped a lot as the private rents would have needed topping up but my council rent is fully covered. So I'd definitely get your name on the council list asap, but don't just fill in a form and wait for it, you'll need to get some professional letters insisting that you're in urgent need.

We didn't have many luxuries when I was on benefits, but certainly weren't starving or going shoeless or without electricity. If you're a student (like I was) you can get extra amounts on student funding and your overall income would be higher than you'd get on benefits.

And it's very likely that once you have your degree, you'll be able to build up a career and won't be stuck in poverty forever. As you're young, with your studies behind you and just one dc, it's also easier to meet a new partner - not many single mums stay single forever. I met a lovely man when my DD was four years old, we both have good careers and have a very comfortable life now.

Your family sound very supportive. Would they be able to help you look after baby if you worked? Can you put your course in hold and start a full time job and start saving? Is living with family am option?

Iv got a counceling session booked for this Friday so maybe that would help,
I can't describe how I'm feeling I quite littersly do t know what to do, people are saying follow your heart follow your gutt but I don't know what that is! :(. Iv also had, "make your your 100% with your decision" I don't think it's possible for me to be 100% with either, if I have an abortion I will be very upset if I keep the baby I'll live my life full of worry and guilt that I can't give the baby everything he she needs.

I don't want to have to rely on maintenance from the father as I have no idea what that might be and he's currently jobless and living in Spain

Thank you for all your replies xxx

Also any comments on my fertility? Do you think I could get pregnant in the future? Why did I mever fall pregnant before?

i was not 16 when i met him, i was 18, when i first started working in a bar, forgive me if i got my years wrong.

For me, I was worried about the abortion itself. I didn't like the thought of the procedure. But I also know that wasn't reason enough to carry on with a pregnancy. In the event, it was quick, painless and I woke up relieved. Never regretted it. There's no reason you couldn't concieve again in the future, should you terminate. You need to speak to someone impartial, but quickly. Once an aborion is booked, it's ok to cancel it. It's far harder to make your mind up and then have to wait.

Nobody can answer why you never got pregnant before, could be something to so with you + him not working since you got pregnant with someone else. You're very young and one pregnancy indicates that things are working ok so I wouldn't let that stop you necessarily. Although the fear that you may end up childless and regret it must be huge.

If he's abroad you have no chance of getting involuntary maintenance off him.

What were your long term life plans before this?

Did you see yourself having DCs at some point?

You have a lot to think about. It will take some time to make a decision. Don't rush but be aware of cut off for different types of abortion. Ie medical abortion is available up to 9 weeks from lmp. Then it's vacuum method. Later still d&c. Over 20 weeks it is much harder.

The fear i may end up childless is overwhelming x

He may have developed secondary infertility.

Maybe he'd had a vasectomy but not told you.

I was pregnant at 19 and had ds age 20 by the age of 21 I was single and don't get me wrong it was bloody hard work. I'm lucky I had a job in a day nursery and could take ds with me. My ds is now 12 and he has never missed out on anything as he's got me and my love. He has learnt that he sometimes doesn't get things straight away like his friends but he appreciates and looks after things a lot better than his richer friends.

I also was against abortion or so I thought until at 22 I found I was pregnant again I knew I wouldn't have been able to cope with ds and a baby so I decided to have an abortion. It was the hardest decision I've ever made and I had the same fears about getting pregnant again as you have. For me it was a good decision and don't get me wrong 10yrs on I still sometimes think what if but I look at what I've got now and wonder if I'd have had that with 2 children.
I'm now 32 ds is 12 and a lovely child. I'm with a fabulous new partner and we are expecting our first child together.
Wishing you all the luck in the world x

As for not falling pregnant before some ppl just aren't compatible together.

In terms of getting yourself equipped, there are lots of places to look for cheap/free baby equipment. Agree with earlier post to check out freecycle. Also I picked up loads of stuff really cheap at NCT nearly new sales, local car boot sales etc. Most people just want to get rid of redundant baby stuff as quickly because everything takes up so much room. I used to go round car boot sales picking up babygros that had barely been worn for 50p a pop.

If there's an Emmaus/Salvation Army/YMCA charity in your area, they might be able to help you kit out a flat with second-hand furniture.

Also, find out where your local Barnados children's centre is, as they will have lots of contacts for voluntary organisations that can offer support and assistance for Mums. It's also a really good place to met other Mums and get advice. Have been to some fantastic courses on weaning and baby massage at my local centre - all free.

Finally, my local town has a toy library that lets you borrow up to 6 toys a month. So we always have plenty of new stimulating things for my DS to play with - might be worth looking in the yellow pages to see if there's one in your area. Good luck!