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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Husband's mum coming over

18 replies

deliemenye · 22/06/2014 19:23

Hi everyone,

I'm expecting my first baby in August and the issue is my husband's family. They want his mum to come and stay with us as soon as little one is born. Her coming is not the problem but a lot is happening right now and I'm not sure if her being here is going to be a good idea. My husband recently lost his job and for now im the only bread winner. Well for the next 6 weeks! We havent got much savings and we've only just moved to a new house and apart from the little ones bits it looks pretty empty! Anyway going back to the issue. His mum speaks different language and even though I understand about 50% its still a struggle! So with having a new baby and making sure my mother in law is alright its going to be a struggle. Plus as selfish as it sounds I really want it to just be the three of us. I dont know how to explain my feelings to my husband because he gets really upset and keeps telling me I will need her help. I know I probably will but I just want to do it on my own. So the question is.. have I got the right to say no to his mum coming (until maybe next year) or am I just being a horrible human being? :(

OP posts:

Tilpil · 22/06/2014 19:42

You have the right maybe suggest she could give you a couple of weeks on your own and then come and you will probably be glad of a little help then as tiredness etc kicks in and being able to have a bath and not worry is such a good feeling

ohthegoats · 22/06/2014 19:45

You can do what you like, just be prepared for the fall out. I had an awkward conversation with my in laws about my expectations for post birth house guests. No staying for 2 weeks, just me, my boyfriend and the baby. After that no staying for thene night until I specifically say they can.

Mil was put out, but fil got it and backed me up. Until that conversation, I genuinely think that mil thought she'd be moving in for a while. I have a reasonable relationship with them, but I want to sit around with my boobs out and crying and bleeding without having to worry about making conversation with them, or cleaning fils skid marks from my toilet!

eurochick · 22/06/2014 19:45

How long would she be coming for?

mssleepyhead · 22/06/2014 19:45

I'm in a very similar position - MIL, speaks other languages which I speak a bit, first grandchild and desperate to visit! We have compromised and she's coming 4 weeks after the due date, so if baby is a couple of weeks late we've still got some time to settle ourselves before she arrives. Could you do something like that?

ohthegoats · 22/06/2014 19:49

'Thene'? That should say 'more than'.

My boyfriend was also a bit pissed off, but frankly I don't care. This bit is 99% about what I want. And I'd want mum if anyone, and even she's been banned for 2 weeks from staying. They can all visit, but not stay.

When the boyfriend runs an iron man then has his perineum cut and stitched at the finish line, he can make the decision about house guests, I'll let him!

Taura · 22/06/2014 19:50

One father has said to me that during his paternity leave, he never really felt he had time with his newborn son, because his MIL was staying, there was an endless stream of guests. Then by the time the initial surge of interest had died down, he had to go back to work. Having a "just us" time for the time that he is on paternity would have made a massive difference for him.

Original poster

deliemenye · 22/06/2014 19:55

eurochick,

Not sure but I'd say a few months! Probably until Christmas as that's when we're going to visit my parents.

OP posts:

TheBookofRuth · 22/06/2014 19:58

It's tricky, isn't it? I am coming under a lot of pressure (from everyone, including my own DM) to have MIL stay with us when DS arrives in a few weeks. Logically I can see it makes sense - he's my second, so I know how much hard work newborns are now, plus I have toddler DD. But I also know I'll feel a bit invaded and will very possibly interpret her help as attempts to take over, so it could lead to a lot of bad feeling.

Can't imagine how much trickier all that will be with a different first language in the mix as well!

UML · 22/06/2014 19:59

It's not selfish to feel like that at all, it's your baby and really it's up to you decide whether you want any help or not! That's not to say grandparents are not important but they will have their time too!

I had bad experience with interference from in laws when I had my first baby which led me to regret many things - you don't want to be fighting boundary issues after you've just had a baby! So I was stricter when my other kids were born and I had a long discussion with my husband before the baby was born so he could communicate it to his parents.

Most of the struggle was actually trying to get husband onside, as he didn't like upsetting his parents over anything!

You need to somehow communicate your feelings with your husband, if he cannot say no now, it will be much more difficult when his mum is there.

It somehow seems to me (from my own experience if my in laws) that they feel they have a right to be there? And you have to just comply?

Try to reach a compromise... Come and stay a few weeks after baby is born? I'm not sure if the arrangements but it sounds like they are coming from abroad?

Original poster

deliemenye · 22/06/2014 20:00

The mother in law is thinking of coming in the first week of September which would give us about 2 weeks to bond with the little one if he's not late! I just feel like I can't say how I feel because it always ends up in an argument. He's really close to his mum and as much as it would be nice, even my mum knows we need some space at first.

OP posts:

eurochick · 22/06/2014 20:04

A few months! I've vetoed mine coming for a week and got it down to a weekend (she also lives abroad, but luckily close enough that a weekend visit is feasible).

If you are not from a culture where this sort of thing is the norm, then you need to make your husband understand this.

CPtart · 22/06/2014 20:06

If your DH has lost his job, why will it just be you needing help when baby is born?

UML · 22/06/2014 20:06

A few months?!!!!

Original poster

deliemenye · 22/06/2014 20:11

Yep a few months! And that's where the issue is. I don't think I can cope with her being here for so long. Plus like eurochick said they have a different culture and apparently its a tradition for husband's mother to stay and 'look after the mother and the baby'. Its bad enough that they are already choosing one of the little ones names! And no I have no say in that either.

OP posts:

UML · 22/06/2014 20:14

Ah, me and my husband are from a culture where that is the norm too - but that does not make it right!

UML · 22/06/2014 20:23

If you have no way out I would suggest a minimum of six weeks after the baby is born ... You would have found your feet a bit and settled into a rough routine (plus you would have had midwife appointments and time to talk out any issues).

After my husband saw what I experienced in terms of interference with my first baby (plus all the privacy issues and difficulties in establishing a breast feeding routine with people around when you have a million health issues including mastitis) he became more understanding of establishing boundaries second time round.

Original poster

deliemenye · 22/06/2014 20:30

I will definitely suggest the 6 weeks to him. I hope he will realize I'm not being selfish but I just need to get my head around everything first. I can see we have a similar background with our in law. And you hit the spot with the privacy! Unfortunately they dont share my views on it. So yes I dont think I will feel comfortable having to breast feed in front of her or anyone at first. My other worry is that she will try to tell me how to do things their way and I am a very stubborn person. I do hope my husband will support me with my decision.

OP posts:

kaykayblue · 24/06/2014 11:38

It's more worrying that you can't communicate your feelings on this to your husband. You are the one having this baby, so you should be the one making decisions about who you want with you afterwards, and from what point, and for how long.

This is just a culture clash. He needs to explain that the MIL staying for months on end is not normal here - if anything it would considered an insult to the new mother, questioning her ability to parent her own child.

He will need reasons to give his MIL, so something like that should help. If he insists that you will need help, then you need to be assertive and tell him "THAT IS FOR ME TO DECIDE - NOT YOU OR YOUR MOTHER".

Also....why would it be "only you" looking after the baby if he isn't working right now?

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