DH's mother will tell the world

[Martie1]

Hi all,

Im now 5 weeks pregnant. I plan on telling my parents at easter and my sisters. I will also need to tell my sil as we are going on a hen party a week after easter and she knows we're trying so she'll cotton on immediately if she sees im not drinking. I want my family's support. I really can't wait to tell my mum, shes one of my best friends and she is in dire need of some good news at the moment.

I don't want to tell my mil or fil until 12 week scan but feel bad about this. My dh also feels i am being unfair towards his parents and family. However his mother declared, a few years back, when her own daughter was pregnant, that she was annoyed her daughter had told her so early because she now had so long to wait! but more importantly dh's mother will tell the world once she knows the news. She will literally pick up the phone and ring all her brothers/sisters and friends. She does this with any piece of news, death, illness or good news regardless of who it concerns. I really want to tell people the news ourselves.

Don't get me wrong, i get on well with my mil, she has her reasons for being like this which I understand. Do you think im being unfair? I do feel somewhat bad, i get on very well with my dh's sister, and I think she will be offended for not telling her earlier, but we can't very well tell her before telling her parents!

I know my own family will not spread the news, however my dh does think my sister (who lives abroad) will tell friends that live with her and he thinks it's wrong that her friends will know before his parents/family.

Anyone any suggestions? My dh will go with what I want but my conscience is getting to me.

I'd tell your family and make sure they swear not to tell the inlaws that they knew weeks ago. If you can trust them to do that then I think it's fine. It will be awful if your inlaws find out that your family knew weeks beforehand tho.

She has he reasons for being a gossip? You're very understanding . Could your husband have a serious face chat with her about spreading the news? She should take your wishes seriously, regardless if her own excitement. Telling the world before your 12 week scan, when you feel confident to tell people would just be thoughtless. Is she that bad, or do you think she would listen and respect what you want? (And after the 12 week scan she can go wild!)

I think you are being unfair.

Your parents, your sisters, your SIL, your sisters friends will all know. That is so many people!

I want my family's support Does it not occur to you that your DH might want his family's support too?

Your conscience is pricking you for a good reason, if you are telling family then your DH should be 'allowed' to as well if that is what he wants.

Either don't tell anyone, or tell everyone. Me, I'd just keep quiet till 12 weeks.

It's not only that she will tell everyone, it's also because i know she will not really want to know yet, because of what she said to her own daughter. Honestly i had to tell her some bad news a few weeks ago, and then tell her to tell no one and my dh said that this was like giving a child sweets and asking them to eat them.

My dh actually wants to wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone. He keeps telling me that we will support each other. However, my family will work it out at easter since we are all getting together at easter. I also have a number of family hen parties in the next few weeks. I would rather tell my family for support and so they can help me hide it from others. Plus I want to tell them rather than them working it out.

I will be telling my sisters not to tell anyone but I imagine my sis who lives abroad will find it hard not to confide in someone since she will be excited for me. We are a very close family.

It's not that im not 'allowing' my dh not to tell his family. Our relationship is not like that in anyway. Im nervous, and i don't want my mil telling the world, or being annoyed that she can't tell anyone because we told her pre-12 weeks, in case something does go wrong.

im in complete dilemma about this. i really don't want to offend anyone, and care a lot for my mil, she's not a gossip as such, just has little else in her world and loves having a bit of news, but she can be a bit of a spoiled child at times.

I think my mil and dh's sis would understand me telling my own mother. Dh's sister is a wonderful person, we get on so well, and i know that she would understand my nervousness and also, would understand why i didn't want to tell her mother. They all know what their mum is like.

giving a child sweets and asking them not* to eat them.

I think i could swear my family to secrecy, i just feel bad since i care a lot for my in laws.

I wouldn't tell. If she did tell people then it's you who has all these people knowing if something went wrong. and she wouldn't want to know.

We haven't told dps parents but told mine and my brother, though dps may have guessed. We have our own reasons.

Listen to your gut feeling. I really wanted to tell my parents face-to-face but ended up telling them at 8wks over Skype (we live abroad). I was adamant though that we wouldn't tell ILs until after 12wk scan because MIL wouldn't be able to keep it quiet. I was right too! She promised not to say a word to anyone, because we still had people to tell ourselves, then who did she tell that very night? DH's brother!! DH was not impressed.

Keep quiet or don't.

You can't pick and choose who knows once it is out. I went on birthday dinners and boozy nights out whilst hiding pregnancy, no one picked it up, there are plenty of ways to hide it.

There is nothing magical about 12 weeks that means things can't go wrong.

FWIW, I told my parents at 5 weeks, and friends and inlaws were told after 12 week scan. DP's parents live 3 hours away and DP wanted to tell them face to face so we waited until our next planned visit which happened to be after the scan. They've never asked if my parents knew before them but I'm sure they know they were and have never said anything. Similarly, my parents know our name choice for DD2 (arriving next week eek!) and his don't. I wanted to tell mine, DP wanted to wait until she's born to say anything to his and it's worked out fine for us.

A bit harsh ida, no the 12 week scan isn't magical, and I certainly know that things can go wrong afterwards. However I also know that the risk of miscarriage greatly reduces once in second tri and having seen a viable baby, as well as the fact that this scan is often the first time parents to be see their child, so it makes sense that that is when the news is shared.

Also, it's possible that if things were to go wrong after the 12 week scan, that the parents to be would want the love and support of those who know.

Personally, I only ever told people who I would have told if I was also miscarrying, on the assumption I would want their support. To this end we told our parents and siblings and asked them politely not to share the news. We then told everyone else when we were 12 weeks (DD), 22 weeks (DS) and 13 weeks with the current bump.

In your situation OP, I would probably keep it a secret from everyone until your scan if possible, however i appreciate you don't want to.

Did not mean to be harsh.

Generally mean it's a false milestone in both directions.

I wouldn't tell anyone until the 12 week scan. I didn't with DS1 but when I became pregnant again I felt I ought to tell the family at 10 weeks as they were all with us for Christmas and I had morning sickness and couldn't drink anyway. I miscarried a couple of weeks later and wished I'd waited to tell them all, the fact that we had celebrated together and talked about the new baby all over Christmas made it all the more unbearable.

I don't think you're being unfair - I told my BF and Dad early on but didn't tell my DH's family because of similar, although not identical concerns. At the end of the day, you've got a legit reason - or two - for not telling her just yet, so if you can tell your family without the risk of your in-laws finding out, I don't see why you shouldn't.

As for DH, I get that he's feeling hard done-by, but you need your family's support; he's not going through the same thing, so a gentle word about your reasons should be enough imo.

We told my parents and dh mum at same time about 10 weeks at Christmas. Was nice to have a secret just to ourselves for a bit. Then asked family to keep it to themselves until after the scan. Worked well as they knew a bit earlier and didn't have to keep it too then slow for too long. I think dh mum in particular did find it hard. Was easier because we don't see them too often due to distance...

I have had several losses. I told my mum ONLY early on this time, NOT my dad, NOT my sisters, NOT my mates and NOT my in laws.
In my experience:

1. Your mum is different from ILs. On a brutal, harsh level, your mum will be the one comforting you and doing practical things DH can't do like choosing special sanitary pads if something goes wrong.
2. Even after a chat, they will tell. FIL immediately told SIL who was all worried for me in the middle of her moving house: he had been told not to but couldn't resist. We told him after a good 10 week scan, but wanted to ring SIL ourselves and he beat us by a matter of hours, rather stole DH's thunder.

You are not being unreasonable. The early months of pregnancy happen to YOUR body in a way which doesn't involve others. Your mum has a practical reason to know (unless MIL would be happy holding your hair as you puke and buying you fibogel even if all goes well) - your in-laws less so. Excited husbands often misunderstand the risks (as do those women who are lucky enough never to have had them... and get angry if they are hinted at) ...but if, God forbid, something did go wrong, who would trace her gossip chain and do the untelling?

It is fine NOT to tell everyone all at the same time. FINE. The reason why we all think this doesn't happen is few of us here have adult daughters: in my experience, only DH and DM knowing until 12 weeks is the norm amongst my friends.

There is nothing magical about 12 weeks that means things can't go wrong.

No but the odds drop at that scan from 15-25% risk of loss depending on age, to 2% risk of loss. So it is significant.
My clinic 'graduated' recurrent miscarriers on to ante-natal then, so significant is the drop in risk.

I don't think you're being unfair - you have good reasons for not telling her, because you can't trust her to keep it to herself. Personally I take the view that it can be really helpful to tell people before 12 weeks as long as you would be comfortable with them knowing if anything went wrong. I actually think it's important to have trustworthy people around you who know your pg and are able to support you through the anxious early weeks, because it's a lot for you to bear as a couple. But if someone is going to spread gossip far and wide, then it's going to cause you stress even if everything is fine, and if something does go wrong, then it will make things many times worse. I can understand why your DH is upset, but it's not about you liking your family better than his, it's about how her behaviour in this particular regard is likely to affect you.

I have told my parents and brother, and two of my close friends, but not the in-laws (but this isn't an issue because DH isn't particularly close to his family and they live the other side of the country, so he's happy to wait till later.

Thank you all for your advice, in all forms, i really wanted to hear views from others who have been there.

This is a very much longed for baby, we have been trying since early February 2013. I am only 5 weeks today.

I am nervous about problems though. I would prefer to just tell my mum and my sister, in case something does go wrong, but for a whole host of reasons, others are going to cotton on before 12 weeks scan. I don't really want to go into details here since it might identify me in real life, suffice to say, I have so many things coming up and going on in my family at the moment, that my immediate family are going to cotton on. I think if I told my family, they could protect/shield me from others realising. I think it would be worse not to say,for people to realise and then something go wrong and have them wondering and/or ask me what happened. Hence I would like the 'protection' from my family.

As for my ils, im just realising from reading your posts that i could not cope with telling them and then having to break bad news if there was any pre-12 weeks. That would destroy me. Worse still if my mil did tell the world and then had to correct them. I could not cope with people knowing. My fil has also recently passed comment about us 'getting a move on'! So i am definitely sure I do not want to tell them now even though it seems somewhat unfair.

You know best, the only thing I would consider is would they be upset if they found out the others knew so far ahead?

We told my manager and two very close friends before the 12 weeks scan (I was visiting friends and it was easier to tell instead of lying about booze) and told all our family at 15 weeks on the same day. Whatever works best for you.

What does your do want - is he part of the decision?

my dh wants to wait until 12 week scan to tell anyone, but he's confident all is going to be fine. Like most men, he's not entirely aware of the pit falls despite my telling him. He doesn't have my nerves about it. He will go with what I want because he is a sweetheart and has been so attentive to me since we found out. He keeps telling me stressing is not good for the baby.

i don't think the others would be upset if they found out the others knew before hand. They know how close I am to my mum and sister and i think that they would expect them to know first.

:) He keeps telling me stressing is not good for the baby.

Nip that old wives tale in the bud. It can create an unhealthy situation where you can't express the natural stress (for fear of worrying him) so he doesn't realise your real emotional needs.
Plus stress doesn't hurt the baby. Unless you're having a full-on adrenalin shakes nightmare 24-7. Women with clinical anxiety have babies all the time.
If you feel genuinely worried, you need someone to vent to all the more! Who won't guilt you about 'the baby' but will listen.

I told my parents early - about 6 weeks, and my in laws a week or two later. But I knew they could all be trusted. Everyone else waited until the 12 week scan, except for a few who called me on it a bit earlier- mostly work colleagues who see me daily and realised I wasn't on top form.
I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect to be able to tell people and not have them tell anyone else, without your explicit permission. Many people might suspect, but how many will actually ask? And if they do, then in my experience it's usually later on closer to the 12 week mark when then chances of things going wrong are less.

I didn't tell my mil until 12 weeks. It's your news to share and you should only tell who you wish.

I do disagree that you 'need' to tell the other people. Ttc is a good enough reason for not drinking at hen do.