DH's mother will tell the world

[Martie1]

Hi all,

Im now 5 weeks pregnant. I plan on telling my parents at easter and my sisters. I will also need to tell my sil as we are going on a hen party a week after easter and she knows we're trying so she'll cotton on immediately if she sees im not drinking. I want my family's support. I really can't wait to tell my mum, shes one of my best friends and she is in dire need of some good news at the moment.

I don't want to tell my mil or fil until 12 week scan but feel bad about this. My dh also feels i am being unfair towards his parents and family. However his mother declared, a few years back, when her own daughter was pregnant, that she was annoyed her daughter had told her so early because she now had so long to wait! but more importantly dh's mother will tell the world once she knows the news. She will literally pick up the phone and ring all her brothers/sisters and friends. She does this with any piece of news, death, illness or good news regardless of who it concerns. I really want to tell people the news ourselves.

Don't get me wrong, i get on well with my mil, she has her reasons for being like this which I understand. Do you think im being unfair? I do feel somewhat bad, i get on very well with my dh's sister, and I think she will be offended for not telling her earlier, but we can't very well tell her before telling her parents!

I know my own family will not spread the news, however my dh does think my sister (who lives abroad) will tell friends that live with her and he thinks it's wrong that her friends will know before his parents/family.

Anyone any suggestions? My dh will go with what I want but my conscience is getting to me.

So OP

Tell mum, she can help protect you at family events. Then make a big announcement after 12 week scan.

Win win!

And congratulations by the way

perhaps I was so excited about announcing DS, not just because of our loss and cos it was at the wedding, but also being able to say well he is due in 3 months, and knowing we had kept it a secret for so long was great!

Marie, it sounds like you have already decided what you want to do and haven't given much consideration for what your dh wants. I feel quite sorry for your dh.

Just say you are ttc and because you could be pg at any time, don't want to drink just in case. That's the hen night covered. Depends how sick you get though - if you get really sick, you might not be able to go, and will just have to say you're unwell.

squiz believe me - if I would have been able to keep it from mil, I would have. She is a bullying horrible old crow.

It just wouldn't have been fair on dp it to have not shared his news with mummy dearest when I had.

Now - me deciding that mil would not be allowed at the hospital while I was giving birth after SIL filling me in on her past behaviour with hers, was a fucking battle royale! Honest to god that woman thought she had more claim on my unborn baby that I did.

wow i think i opened a can of worms. thanks for all your views, i can appreciate the angle of everyone on here. i think very much that this decision is specific to each pregnancy. i know for sure im telling my mother at easter, largely due to her reassurance and advice. i have stupidly never asked her much about her 4 pregnancies but i know she has at least had one mc. i am looking into an early scan, and if that were fine I think i would then be content to tell mil and fil too after the early scan, about 8 weeks which would be the end of the month. as for everyone else im still mulling over it and taking on board everything that has been said here. im thinking i could do a good bit of bluffing re drinking & hen parties since my sil knows we've been ttc.

Again thanks so much for all your advice, and congratulations. Congrats to all you mummies to be also.

sweetheart, ive already said, if you read my posts that I have a lot going on in my life and my families life at the moment. more than i care to share or would share since it could identify me. to pass such comments as 'i feel quite sorry for your dh' is just horrible. If you have read my previous posts i have a number of times explained dh's views, if i thought nothing of his views i would never have even posted on here just gone ahead with my initial thoughts. his views are the most important to me, but i don't think he quite understands my nerves, or can be quite dismissive of them in an, theres no need to worry, way. none of this is simple. My views of DH's mother, her story telling and news spreading are shared by my DH also her complaining of finding out pregnancies too early. He does not just agree with me on this, but comments on it also. Hence he wants to wait to 12 weeks to tell everyone. My dh's lack of information on pregnancies (he will not even pick up an infant!) and dismissiveness (in his own caring way) do not encourage me to keep this from my mother.

thank you to all those who were kind in tone regardless if they were disagreeing with me. No i haven't made up my mind, otherwise i would never have posted this. I am in a quandry and have no intention of telling anyone for at least another few weeks if not longer.

Having had two successful pregs and one not (11 wks) don't tell anyone before the scan.

Your gp might do what mine did and say "we used to call this a missed period". It was a woman.

This bubble is bliss. It's hope. Keep it yours and dh til able. It's so very precious.

Tell everyone at the same time, at 12 weeks.

Throw your family off the scent by having some alcohol when you meet them. (You said your sis will guess when you refuse to drink) Half a glass of wine won't do any harm.

Hmmm. I have two sons. It really hurts me to think that I might well be considered a secondary grandparent from before the baby is even born!

I don't think it's a personal thing. But I can't trust my mil to be as discrete as my mother. It's not that I see her as a secondary grandparent, but clearly the bond and trust with my mother is different. As it turned out my mum kept it secret and my mil didn't.

It's a shame that my mil couldn't keep the secret. It just means she will wait even longer next time.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine not a secondary grandparent at all: but if you had a daughter, would you not want to be there to support her medical needs (as many women have - sickness, risk of miscarriage, if she has a weird bleed etc') in the first 12 weeks? In a way that is actually quite separate from the baby his/herself- she wouldn't just be an incubator, but a woman going through a time of delicate heath changes (or brutal ones if she gets sickness badly).
Your sons will be emotionally invested - however won't be going through that and though I am sure they will love their DP/DWs, only another woman who is very close (ie a mum/sister who has had a child) would be able to support with that "TMI" stuff. Try asking a man "is this feeling in my uterus normal?" or showing him a discharge... unless he's a medic he won't be able to reassure with more than platitudes and some women need more than that.

After a 12 week scan people tell others because then it is announcing a baby not asking for help because the woman is daunted (and even before scans were standard iit used to be 12 weeks- by then symptoms are usually calming down and it's 90+% likely to go right...so you are more of less announcing a baby).

Perhaps it is because I have had a partialmolar and have a blood condition, the difference between "baby" and "potential health issues in pregnancy" are two completely different things to me: I think the British "tell no-one or everyone" leads to a lot of taboos and our shocking record of support should anything go wrong. In all honesty, I think manners have had an impact on many women's mental health: having told no other woman how hard is it to then find one for support if they have perinatal anxiety, hyperemesis, miscarriage, insomnia? If you had any of those things outside pregnancy, it would be your health concern and you could tell a female relative.

I told my family straight away and swore them to secrecy. We waited until after 8 week scan to tell partner's family (actually more his decision). They didn't even ask when we had told my fam, it was just not an issue. Think they would have understood that I needed my mum's support straight away.

Squizita, I think you make some very good points but you are assuming a mother-daughter relationship many of us don't have!

In my case, my partner's mother knew well before my own. My mother is quite possibly the last person I'd tell about a miscarriage.

Squizita, my Mum died before I had children, so mil supported me with those things. I would want to support both my DD and my DSs through the worry of early pregnancy. Sorry I am taking this off topic, almost certainly because it hits many, many raw nerves for me.

OP you sound lovely and thoughtful and I do see why you're so torn. I wish you a healthy pregnancy.

Tbh op I would pick your battles.

If all goes well and it probably will, and other issues arise over other decisions , you don't want to be accused of keeping his family out of the loop/pushed out.

There a million decisions to make in the next few months - names, birthing partners, who will be at hospital, when will you see visitors ..ect

All can cause upset.

I would go along with dp on this one .

Motherinferior and MyName apologies, I was kind of talking of 'the usual' which of course is amiss as not everyone fits that situation at all.

I am much closer to my mum than my MIL; but then again my DP is much closer to her too. It's not cause she's a secondary grandparent - just that she's impossibly selfish and hard work! DP agrees! He rings MY mum if he is struggling with things.

I know plenty of people who have bad relationships with their mothers who are so grateful for their loving close relationship with the MIL.

I don't see why you should tell ANYONE you're not close to about something as personal as an early pregnancy. I certainly wouldn't tell my mum just cause she's my mum! We just happen to be friends, as adults. If we weren't I would be telling my friends and not her.

Supportive friends get told before not-so-supportive family, also. You don't owe anyone anything.

I think the only advice I can give is: If in doubt, tell no one. Or at least, keep it on a 'need to know' basis. You'll always have the option of telling people (like mum, sister etc) if you need to any time between now and 12 weeks, and for me there have been quite a few times where I've been pleased I kept it a secret, even from my mum who I'm really close to.

I'm now 11 weeks and apart from my best friend (I had to tell at least one close female to stop me from driving my partner INSANE with constant over analysis of symptoms) and my boss (out of necessity due to the nature of my job), we haven't told anyone.

We planned to officially announce to everyone after the 12 week scan. It's been really difficult keeping it from my lovely mum, I've had so many questions, but I thought about it long and hard and we decided that if I miscarried we wanted the option of nobody knowing anything. That way we could still tell people if I did miscarry if we felt we needed the support at that time.

I absolutely adore my MIL, infact I'm possibly more excited about her reaction in a way, because it will be her first grandchild. I also know my partner can't wait to tell her and I love seeing him excited about the pregnancy :)

As time has gone by, we've actually quite enjoyed keeping the secret. So few things are totally private nowadays (esp with Facebook etc) and I never thought I'd manage to keep a pregnancy secret, but it's been so much easier than I thought. I've coped much better than I expected. (I know the mother/daughter bond is strong, but don't underestimate your ability to cope without it for the time being)

We've ended up deciding to tell parents and siblings at 12 weeks, and everyone else after all the blood tests, nuchal fold results are back, as I have a v.close family history of Spina Bifida. Want to know how we'd deal with that before we tell the whole world.

But ultimately, of course it's your choice. We decided to tell our parents at the same time because that feels right for us, we both get on equally well with both our MIL (and they'd both be equally keen to tell the world). But your situation sounds different.

It's your pregnancy, your baby (by which I mean you and your husbands) no-one automatically has the right to know anything about it until you chose to tell them. It's okay to be 'selfish' about that. Like a few others have said, there will be so many more decisions to make in the future... This one is a relatively small one in comparison.

Squizita, of course you were, and also you were responding to the op, who is clearly close to her Mum, whereas I was being very "poor me with my dead mum and many sons"!

sudden realization that I will be the mil-from-hell who will not be told until after the baby is out of nappies

I'd get a private scan just before the hen do and then you will be safer to tell (something can go wrong at any time).

Or tbh it may be the last of your worries you may feel too rough to go if my experience is anything to go by !