DH's mother will tell the world

[Martie1]

Hi all,

Im now 5 weeks pregnant. I plan on telling my parents at easter and my sisters. I will also need to tell my sil as we are going on a hen party a week after easter and she knows we're trying so she'll cotton on immediately if she sees im not drinking. I want my family's support. I really can't wait to tell my mum, shes one of my best friends and she is in dire need of some good news at the moment.

I don't want to tell my mil or fil until 12 week scan but feel bad about this. My dh also feels i am being unfair towards his parents and family. However his mother declared, a few years back, when her own daughter was pregnant, that she was annoyed her daughter had told her so early because she now had so long to wait! but more importantly dh's mother will tell the world once she knows the news. She will literally pick up the phone and ring all her brothers/sisters and friends. She does this with any piece of news, death, illness or good news regardless of who it concerns. I really want to tell people the news ourselves.

Don't get me wrong, i get on well with my mil, she has her reasons for being like this which I understand. Do you think im being unfair? I do feel somewhat bad, i get on very well with my dh's sister, and I think she will be offended for not telling her earlier, but we can't very well tell her before telling her parents!

I know my own family will not spread the news, however my dh does think my sister (who lives abroad) will tell friends that live with her and he thinks it's wrong that her friends will know before his parents/family.

Anyone any suggestions? My dh will go with what I want but my conscience is getting to me.

I told my mum and two of my closest friends between about 5 and 8 weeks. At that point, I was feeling anxious, and vulnerable, and just wanted close confidantes that I could talk to.

After the 12 week scan, I was MUCH more relaxed, and we told everyone else, including MIL. Predictably, MIL then told the rest of the family, including DH's siblings, before DH had the chance to do it himself.

So I think it's fine to be selective.

You don't have to tell people just because of a hen night.

I've found on social occasions that people really aren't as interested in what I'm drinking as I thought they would be. Just keep your glass full and change the subject. Maybe people will guess, maybe they won't. And if they are brazen enough to ask you out right if you're pregnant you will be able to deal with that.

I'm going to a friends wedding soon, it will be just after the 12 week scan but before we get chance to tell family so will be keeping schtum. My friends are BIG drinkers (as was I a long time ago, when we were closer friends) and will be actively lining up the champagne (and god knows what else) for us to drink. But will anyone really be caring/watching me intently enough to see if I'm actually drinking?? Probably not. Do I care if they notice? No. And if they are boring enough to bring it up in conversation (which they aren't) I'll just change the subject! It's easy to do, especially when everyone else is drunk.

My best friend was pregnant on my birthday once, we were all out drinking and I had absolutely no idea she wasn't drinking alcohol. Her glass was always full when I offered her a drink, her boyfriend kept her topped up. I didn't even notice that she didn't partake in shots. And she's my best friend and, at the time, my most loyal drinking partner. I just assumed she was getting involved... probably was too drunk to notice any different!!

What I'm trying to say is that people won't be monitoring you like you think they will, so don't feel under pressure to tell because of social occasions. :)

We told my brothers and my parents at around 8 weeks; my close friends who I happened to see in person between 8 and 12 weeks; everyone else after the scan or later.

We are close to my parents and not his mum. I don't think I would tell his mum if I had a miscarriage. Also my friends can be trusted to blab and not his mum. So you're not being unreasonable in my opinion and I did the same; however my DP felt the same as I did.

I agree with inmybelly that it's easy to disguise not drinking. It's less easy to disguise being sick as a dog and tired. I went to a big party at 10 weeks last pregnancy and I told my mate beforehand just so she understood when I went to bed at midnight….

That's true. I went to a festival in early pregnancy last year and felt atrocious throughout. Much harder to hide the going-to-bed-early than the not drinking. A couple of people asked me why I wasn't drinking 'as much'- I just said I didn't feel like it and they didn't question it further (I also lied and said I'd had a drink earlier). You could drink diet coke and pretend there was a spirit in it. Pregnancy has turned me into such a liar! ;-)

I wouldn't tell anyone I didnt want to. Mil is a self involved unsympathetic gossip monger. Was a complete dick about a previous mc, my prem, sick DS2, and other family news that was not hers to share .

As pp said, tell only those with whom you could share a miscarriage. I'd love to wait til the baby was born! Unrealistic. If people guess before then and you don't want to tell them, you can say "if I had anything to tell you I would have told you by now". If they press the point you change the subject, or joke about it, " you're very persistent, maybe you're the one with news," etc, or trot out the MN line "did you mean to be rude".

I know you say your DH wants to wait until the 12 week scan before telling anyone - in his mind does this mean your side of the family too?

Or is he happy for your family to be told but not this?

I think it's unfair to tell your family but not his. If I'd suggested this to my DH he'd probably be angry/upset and I'd completely understand why. His family are just an important as yours and I don't think it's right to exclude them. If I were you I'd tell the in-laws but really stress how it must be kept a secret and you'd both be really upset if she told anyone.

Me and DH didn't tell anyone in our family until I was 14 weeks gone. We wanted to wait until the Nuchal/Combined Testing results came back and we knew there were no problems. The last thing we wanted was to be faced with potential complications and have to make difficult decisions with our families giving us their opinions etc. Had there been any problems we may have opted to terminate and we knew there'd be people in our family who'd be really against that. We didn't want to be in a situation where difficult decisions had to be made with the guilt trip of others being forced on us.

Congratulations on your pregnancy [ thanks]

We didn't tell anyone until 14 weeks. On the Monday at a budget meeting I told my boss, on Wednesday evening after my nephew's 1st birthday I told my parents and brother (who told sil later that evening), and at mother's day lunch that Saturday we told boyfriend's parents. I'm now almost 16 weeks and no one else knows. That lot are sworn to secrecy.

I think it's fair you do all the important people around the same time. But I enjoyed having the secret, and also enjoyed that it was something the boyfriend and I were doing privately together/supporting each other with. It's a big deal, but ultimately it's only 'our' big deal to cope with on a day to day basis. It was a nice (albeit, sick and grumpy) period of time, has made us closer.

I should add that in the first 14 weeks I had my 40th birthday with my family, went away with them all for a weekend, had lots of dinners with friends, and no one guessed. My family were all shocked by the news! People just don't watch your boozing as much as you imagine.

The one question I would ask hypothetically, is if anything did go wrong (so sorry for even mentioning this) whose support would your DH need? But it is your body so I suppose you have more say.

Personally it was always our baby that we had made equally, so we made the decisions on sharing the news equally too. But we have nice in laws on both sides so perhaps easier for us.

No matter how nice your in laws are, if you have a loss you will have it. DH will grieve in a different way and won't have the always forgotten about nasty physical recovery. Likewise, if it all goes well (as most likely it will) he won't be puking, constipated or passing out tired. Then you labour. Then you get the hormone crash. Then your milk comes on...
The baby is both of yours. But pretending that you both physically make it is impractical and rose tinted (and IMO disrespectful of women/pregnancy).

I have reached the point of more extreme. With my last miscarriage my parents were told I was pregnant immediately after I found out and told my dh. My inlaws were not told about it even when miscarrying at 12weeks, my plan then and for any future pregnancy's I may have, is to not tell my inlaws but wait til they ask! As they have been horrible to me during every pregnancy that they have known about (successful or not). We live only 500 meters from them, so see them a lot, but have been able to hide several first trimester pregnancies from them.

As others have said it is easy to fool people regarding social events, especially with help from dh. People will not automatically guess. And even if the do and ask, then you can change the subject, saying you are surprised they asked.

But for you with a first pregnancy I can understand you wanting to tell your family soon. Only you can decided what you do. Once you tell things do change.

I hope that wasn't directed at me squiz?

When we lost our daughter (not a miscarriage so I do accept this is probably different) I was in bits, DH was supporting me and needed support himself.

I also said made as in sperm and egg 50/50. I did not refer to the 'cooking' of the baby throughout pregnancy hence why I limited my reply to that of sharing the pregnancy news. Which belongs to both parents to be. This is not rose tinted or disrespectful. I would never say that both partners should make birth choices equally etc, but sharing parents to be news - that is equal.

Ive done three hens and two weddings (including my own) when in the first trimester of pregnancies and it is very easy to keep it to yourself.

If push comes to shove, tell a trusted friend who will sort your drinks all night, and swap glasses with you.

You really dont have to tell people if you dont want to.

slithy not you - there are a number of comments here and all over MN (even on the childbirth board). Not at all balanced as yours were.

Still, IMO, before birth, in laws are different as its happening to OUR bodies, tbh. To be quite crude: birth/adoptive mum has had enough physical input (wiped our arses, 1st period etc) and emotional input to be on a totally different level to even the closest MIL. This is to do with the mother's body not the baby: they are equal as grandparents.

The pregnancy is something that happens to the woman: not her husband. There are two elements to telling : "we're having a baby" is not the same as "I am pregnant, I want the support of another woman who I am close to but not to tell the world." It is not an unreasonable expectation for a worried pregnant woman?

We told mil when I was about six weeks - I even invited her to the 12 week scan.

She refused on the basis of 'something bad might have happened before then and she wouldn't be able to bare it'

But to be fair, if you tell your family , mil has to know too.

slithy the fact you have nice inlaws makes a fucking huge difference!

I wouldn't tell anyone till I was about 20 weeks.
I never told anyone, as I just felt things happen, and I didn't want to be asked about the baby by friends of family who maybe hadn't heard about any miscarriage. Also 9 months is long enough without the questions and size of bump comments starting immediately.

I understand that you're very excited having ttc'd for so long, but really I would try and keep a lid on it. Last thing you want is too many busy bodies poking their noses in.....

If you must tell you sister about not drinking, say you've got a headache, and have taken paracetamol.

Leave it till at least 14 weeks is my advice.

Congratulations btw.

I recon if it's that important to you that MIL doesn't know then you will just have to not tell anyone until 12 weeks, or at least give your DH the impression that you haven't.

squiz I do agree that the maternal relationship is like no other and can understand the need to share that. It's more that in this scenario the OP is wanting to tell her whole family plus her sisters friends will find out.

That would have really upset me let alone DH. But that is specific to me.

Agree completely that the pregancy is all about the mum (am pregnant, would be foolish to think otherwise! ) but I think the announcement of parents to be belongs to both.

I got the impression that for OP, it's the we are going to be parents announcement, plus she wants help hiding it. And she isn't wrong, I can just see how this might be seen as unfair by DH.

cigarettes you are completely right, and there is not a chance in hell I would have told anyone who would have blabbed. However I would also not tell my entire family, in the OP's situation I would perhaps just tell my parents.

Again, we are all different and no suggestions which have been put forward so far are particularly right or wrong. It needs to work for both of the parents to be and keep the mum to be happy.

Why, Cigarettes?

Before the 12 week scan, the medical side of being pregnant is a series of often scary/embarrassing things that happen to a woman: there is no baby to see.
Why is this the only circumstance she cannot turn to the closest woman to her, without also telling another woman who (whether she likes her or not) she met through her partner as an adult.

Being pregnant is a health situation quite different to 'becoming a dad or grandparent'. Why wouldn't a woman want support from a trusted female relative for the puking/exhaustion/worry, as a seperate thing to the "we're having a baby!" announcement?

Or maybe through the sleepless nights, the fact an in laws nose isn't out-of-joint will comfort her when she has no one to ask "is this pain normal?" Or just to hear "yes, I had that too with you, its awful but it passes."

I agree that either tell nobody or tell everyone. Even if you swear people to secrecy they will only tell the next person and then of course swear them to secrecy. Who will do the same.

Slithy oh 100% agree re telling more widely! For me, it was JUST my mum, then all decisions jointly with dh.

Think FIL won the blab olympics though... Put down phone to him after telling, made cup of tea, went to phone SIL overseas... Got a congrats text from her! And FIL is usually a man of few words!

I wouldn't tell anyone for 12 weeks or so. You can easily get out of the not drinking on the hen party by saying you are antibiotics or even that it's something to do with TTC

I am lucky though. Both Grannies to be desperately wanted to tell people, made it clear they were unhappy they couldn't tell their friends, but respected use enough to wait. In turn, we gave them the go ahead after the 12 weeks scan to tell their friends before we made it public.

The grandparent to be announcement is apparently a biggie as well and one we didn't want to steal their thunder on! They were desperate with DS because we didn't tell anyone until 22 weeks after losing DD, and then we made a huge public announcement at our wedding.

I was very upset because my sister (big gob selfish) told all her friends and her old, and then her new boyfriend (who I hadn't met) and I was very sensitive about the pregnancy, and really didn't want strangers who I might meet in the future knowing. For us it was about our nearest and dearest. perhaps a little oversensitive with hindsight as it made no difference

I then had to employ strict rules that no one was to announce the birth until we had! Family were annoyed but it meant we had 3 days of peace before dealing with all the messages in our own time.

I liked waiting to tell. People because I felt it was more exciting to say I'm pregnant and I already 3/4 months gone. It's more exciting as it's not so long to wait and there is a lot less chance of it not working out.