Massive MASSIVE rant needed! GRRRRRRRRRR!

[Justpenny]

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Already have one DS who is 8 and fabulous...and one DP who is 35 and a nuisance. I am a trainee teacher so trying to juggle being a mum, with a PGCE course, and running a house, and a dog, and a manchild of a DP. I leave the house at 7,30am, don't get back home until at least 4.30pm and most nights am up til gone 11pm planning lessons and catching up on paperwork. I am shattered.

My DP works nights...and sleeps days....and that is it. Occasionally (when I have nagged him into submission) he will wash the dishes or take the dog for a walk but he never ever thinks to hoover, or clean, or do laundry. I am struggling with everything and feel like I'm about to burst out crying just with the stress of it all.

I came home today after a really hard day at work, picked my DS up, and opened the door to an unwalked dog, a sink FULL of dishes, a washing machine full of laundry, and an even bigger pile of laundry at the top of the stairs. The dishes have been there for 2 days now because I refused to do them after he promised he would...but because he was tired (he went to bed before I left the house this morning and was still in bed until about an hr ago!!!!!) I've had to wash them so I can make dinner for me and DS.

I'm at the end of my tether. I've just put DS to bed and have at least three hours of work ahead of me now...I am tired, my skin is awful, my hair is greasy and I just wanna scream!

Me and DP have just had a massive row because I told him I need more help around the house, he admitted that I do the lion's share of the house work but then said his excuse was that he worked nights...as though that absolves him from any housework. I wish I could just work and sleep....I wish I had no other responsibilities and could just lie in my bed watching shite on Youtube all day like he appears to do.

He has just stormed to work, leaving the sink full of dishes yet again, and a pile of his dirty uniform on my bedroom floor.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting a bit more help around the house? I know I'm being a nag lately but I cant do everything by myself...he demands silence when I bring my DS back from school until he's ready to get up and every afternoon I am a nervous wreck trying to keep DS and the dog quiet...how the hell am I meant to do that when the baby arrives?? I'm worried about how much help he'll be then if he's not that much help now. As he works permanent nights I'll be home alone all night then he sleeps all day so again i'll be alone with the baby all day. I was a single parent with my DS and it was a struggle....but I managed. I thought this time would be different tho and that I'd have an amazing DP who would rub my feet and bring me tea and pore over baby clothes with me!!!

Sorry...massive rant. Just needed to get it all off my chest before I explode! xxx

Excellent idea!!

My father has worked nights our whole lives. Never stopped him doing his fair share of the chores, putting the three of us kids to bed and reading us a story etc if he was around at bedtime, plus he found time for his own hobbies and to take my mum out for lunch/dates too. Shifts/nights are no flipping excuse for being a shit partner.

I would seriously suggest moving out for a week if at all possible. Let him cope with the dog on his own for a bit and give you a DS a break from the stress of dealing with him. Keep up dialogue with him – I'm not suggesting you strop off as if this is a permanent thing – but it sounds as if you both need a breather and some perspective (well, he needs to realise how much there is to do and you need some rest from his moods!).

So nothing has changed. After my rant last week I spoke to my sister who agreed to come in a few hrs a wk and help clean. Told DP who I thought would b pleased but his response was 'but I work nights and sleep in the day.' So what? Am I supposed to never ever have people round or have a clean house just because of him? He owes me quite a lot of money (long story) so paid me back a portion of it but then said I cant have the rest because he needs money in his acc. I knew this would happen which was why I was so reluctant to lend him it in the first place. This caused a row, and he took me out for lunch to say sorry...but then when we came home he spent £80 on drinks for himself and online betting. I cant cope with it all. He doesn't drink that often so im not bothered about that, but I am bothered about the money situation. I have bought everything for the new baby so far, have put the deposit down for the pram, and my parents and sister have been pickin things up each time they go shopping. He hasnt bought one thing. Because he was hung over sunday he didn't get out of bed apart from once when he came to get his dinner that I had made. He was in work sun nite and yesterday stayed in bed from 7am-7.30pm. He said he felt so refreshed but then this mornin has come home, bypassed the dog he promised he'd walk, and the dishes he promised he'd wash, and has gone to bed. I want to scream. Im in the bathroom now, taking a deep breath because im literally on the verge of either kicking him out or breaking down crying. I feel like im doin this all alone again and I wanted it to b different this time round... xx

You poor thing. He sounds so selfish. You HAVE to go on strike and just do what's needed for your 8yro and yourself. He is taking the piss. How dare he treat his pregnant, working wife like she is an irrelevance? I'm sorry, but that's not love. My dp and I have our ups and downs, but when the chips are down and one of us is tired or stressed (I've been finishing some important work so right now my dp is doing the lion's share), the other picks up the rest even more so - because that's what you do when you love someone. No one falls over themselves to do laundry and clean toilets, but you should be a team. I'm so sorry op - you've followed the good advice you've had on here and he can't see beyond his own needs :-(

And now ive just shouted at DS for nothin just because im so wound up. walked into my bedroom and DP is pretending to b asleep so now im battling tears even more trying to get ready for the school run. Please tell me what to do.

That's not on. My husband and I are both teachers who work long hours but we share housework. He's doing more now I'm on mat leave to look after me, so he's doing all the hoovering for example, because I find it hard. Your dh sounds like an immature prick and he needs to cop on fast.

Explain to him that it can't carry on like this.

OMG just read the bit about the money too - does this guy have any redeeming characteristics whatsoever?

Ive told him it cant carry on like this, but then he turns it around and makes me feel like im being unreasonable and says I should appreciate the little he does do because he works nights. As tho that's a get out clause. Im at the end of my tether. Am on half term now but DS isnt until tomorrow so my plan is to spend today cleaning and gettin the house in some sort of order so we can do nice things while DS is off. I know there's gonna b murder today because ill b hoovering and stuff but it needs to be done. This morning I reakised the milk in the fridge had gone off so the second he came home I asked him to run back out and get some and he wouldnt. If he wont do small things like that, whats gonna happen when I need him for bigger things? Im so upset.

He is being a cock Womble and trying to emotionally blackmail/manipulate you. If he works nights, doesn't help with the house, and owes you money p, what does he contribute? I was all outraged at the lTBs going on up thread op as I thought it was total overkill... But now I'm rethinking that. I'm not saying you should LTB if you love him, but at least you know that materially, emotionally and physically you will not be wore off - in fact there would be one less person to clear up after!

*worse

Working nights is no excuse not to help. I think you have to give him an ultimatum - either he pulls his weight or he leaves.

It it helps my DH asked me what it was I did all day that could possibly take all day (this is when I had a baby and a 3 year old at home). So I concentrated on looking after the children, and did none of the other stuff, no washing, or cleaning (beyond what was needed for hygiene purposes). He soon realised when he had no clothes to wear, and things started to run out and the house looked like a bomb site. Maybe he does not realise how much you do, just to keep the house looking the same at the beginning and the end of the day.

I think he's hiding behind nights as an excuse quite frankly, yes he's tired cos he works nights and yes his sleep will be poorer quality because of it BUT that does not legalise his right to sit back and do nothing.
You are also tired, you body is also strain in because of huge changes and your working long hours to achieve all that you need to do, and before too long your quality of sleep at night won't be so great either. So really it's about evens between you.

I am a midwife & shift worker and doing nights means coming home putting washing on/ dinner in slow cooker while you sleep and sometimes dropping kids off at school before you go to bed. Yes it's tiring but that's life. You can do some chores whilst on nights it's not that difficult, your partner is choosing not to help at the mo.

He heeds to get off his ass and do one or do something. Give him an ultimatum.

For fucks sake what a twat. You should appreciate the little he does because he works nights? nights are difficult but they don't turn you into a martyr!

How on earth does he think you're going to cope when the baby comes? Does he think he'll be able to continue as he is doing?

I hate lazy people. Even more so it hate lazy men who make their pregnant partners cry. I hope it gets better I really do. I would do something drastic and kick him out. He will never realise otherwise.

I think he genuinely thinks things can stay the same when the baby arrives. I mentioned breastfeeding classes yesterday and said ull need his support for those 3am feeds when I feel like givin up and his response was 'I'll b in work'. I asked him how he thinks im going to manage bein by myself all night then again all day and he said 'well I'll need sleep'. Ive told my mum and she is livid. My dad has been ill and has quite bad insombia but he still does loads around the house...and my DP is young and healthy and wont lift a finger. Ive just got back home from the school run and am faced with a massive pile of dishes, at least 3 days worth, that he's promised to do but now I have to do. I feel like a horrible nag but when I try to tell him that I need help and support it turns into a row about how I dont appreciate him. Im so so tired of it all xx

Do you love him? And I mean do you really love him?

I am actually gobsmacked at his response. Does he think he's the only man to ever work nights or something? Christ give the man a medal. I've never said this before but... LTB. This can't go on. It's not fair to you at all. There's not much point having him anyway! He isn't supporting you at all. I'm actually really angry for you. He wants his head banging.

Yes I love him...but, I hate to say it, I know I deserve better. Im tryin so so hard to finish my course so ill have a good job to provide for me and DS (and the new baby) and feel like im doing it all by myself. I dont think things would b any different if I asked him to move out. I am so so angry and resent him so much. Every time he complains about being tired I have to bite my tongue. Im in tears of frustration just writin thia msg.

I still think he needs an ultimatum, if he truly loved you, he would not treat you this way, love = respect, support, a helper. I struggle to understand how he can love you when he is apparently none of these things. If that's the case do not stay in such a destructive relationship as it's you who will self destruct and not him.

Oh you poor thing have you spoken to your parents about how you're feeling? I know you've mentioned DP to them but have you really spoke to them about how you're upset? They sound like good people so might be nice for some RL support.

As for him, I would write a long letter detailing everything, how you feel, what you expect, etc and leave it out for him whilst you go to bed and get some rest.

Christ almighty he's one lazy, selfish son of a bitch isn't he?

I think that on a very basic level your dp does not think the housework is his job really, nor attending to a baby...that's your department.

My bil has worked nights for years now, and he uses that to get out of doing anything he cba to, and always has. He has plenty of energy to do things that appeal to him, but when it comes to doing stuff that isn't very interesting, like cleaning or laundry, he's "too tired" - so his mother goes round once a week to do it for him.
His gf (soon to be wife) is moving from Argentina to be with him permanently, and I already feel sorry for her knowing what she's moving into. Unless she's quite happy to live in a shit tip, she's going to be doing it all by herself while bil langushes in bed moaning about how hard done by he is and that no one understands. He was like this before he took on the night job, and will be like it should he ever change back to working days. It's not the hours he keeps that is the problem, but his intrinsic self absorption. Working nights lends itself very well to his sense of entitlement, and I genuinely believe he will keep doing so, for fear of losing his get out of jail free card.
No one has ever worked nights before. Only him. He is the first and only person to have ever had to endure such difficulty.

Wonder if your dp is my bil's cosmic twin?

I just had to reply to this. I am horrified how this man is treating you - even more so because you're pregnant. Your DP is just treating you as a hotel, you wash his clothes and cook his meals and do everything for him - but, worse than a hotel, he isn't paying!

My ex. of 7 years was similar to this man. All he wanted really was a replacement mother who would wash, cook and clean for him - 'you'd do it if you really loved me'. I wasn't pregnant to him - thank god. Once he said 'how will you pay your half of the mortgage if/when we have a kid/s?' He verbally manipulated me without me even realising it - this is just as bad as physical abuse as it does stay with you for a very long time.

When he decided that we should split - I was devastated - but, having been there before, knew I could cope eventually - with support of my family and friends. The routine in my life with him changed but I didn't miss his controlling ways.

I'm now with a lovely man - who I'm marrying later this year - who doesn't mind doing anything - no matter how tired he is. He's done loads whilst I'm pregnant, taking over the vacuuming and other 'heavy' jobs. We both agreed that a job isn't anyone's, it's just a job that needs doing - so one of us will do one job one week/day, a different job the next. We're a team - which you're very much not.

I think this man is doing more harm than good for you and your DS and things will get worse when the baby arrives I'm sure.

Yes, we all function better when we've had enough sleep - but we have to cope without it.

PM me if you need someone to talk to further. xx

The best advice given were from those who said you need to go away for a week, (with or without DS)... Might be hard as you are studying for your PGCE, but could you take a week and bring some of your assignments with you? Stay with your parents or another friend or relative, just to give him the chance to see how much needs to be done in the house. (leave a list)
It will also give you a welcome break, some time to relax/breath and pamper yourself. It does sound like a break is what you need.
I can't quite believe how self-centred your DP is being, there may be hope for change though.

Pictish - he definitely sounds like your bil's cosmic twin! :) ive just done the majority of the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and am tacklin the ironing now. I want it done so I can relax tomorrow and do somethin nice with DS. This is my house, I pay the rent (another long story) so if anyone was goin to move out it would b him. Im seriously askin him to move back into his mum's over the half term so I can relax with DS and have a good hard think about things. My parents are really really supportive so know they'd help me out in any way possible...I just didn't want to go through this all alone again.