Massive MASSIVE rant needed! GRRRRRRRRRR!

[Justpenny]

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Already have one DS who is 8 and fabulous...and one DP who is 35 and a nuisance. I am a trainee teacher so trying to juggle being a mum, with a PGCE course, and running a house, and a dog, and a manchild of a DP. I leave the house at 7,30am, don't get back home until at least 4.30pm and most nights am up til gone 11pm planning lessons and catching up on paperwork. I am shattered.

My DP works nights...and sleeps days....and that is it. Occasionally (when I have nagged him into submission) he will wash the dishes or take the dog for a walk but he never ever thinks to hoover, or clean, or do laundry. I am struggling with everything and feel like I'm about to burst out crying just with the stress of it all.

I came home today after a really hard day at work, picked my DS up, and opened the door to an unwalked dog, a sink FULL of dishes, a washing machine full of laundry, and an even bigger pile of laundry at the top of the stairs. The dishes have been there for 2 days now because I refused to do them after he promised he would...but because he was tired (he went to bed before I left the house this morning and was still in bed until about an hr ago!!!!!) I've had to wash them so I can make dinner for me and DS.

I'm at the end of my tether. I've just put DS to bed and have at least three hours of work ahead of me now...I am tired, my skin is awful, my hair is greasy and I just wanna scream!

Me and DP have just had a massive row because I told him I need more help around the house, he admitted that I do the lion's share of the house work but then said his excuse was that he worked nights...as though that absolves him from any housework. I wish I could just work and sleep....I wish I had no other responsibilities and could just lie in my bed watching shite on Youtube all day like he appears to do.

He has just stormed to work, leaving the sink full of dishes yet again, and a pile of his dirty uniform on my bedroom floor.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting a bit more help around the house? I know I'm being a nag lately but I cant do everything by myself...he demands silence when I bring my DS back from school until he's ready to get up and every afternoon I am a nervous wreck trying to keep DS and the dog quiet...how the hell am I meant to do that when the baby arrives?? I'm worried about how much help he'll be then if he's not that much help now. As he works permanent nights I'll be home alone all night then he sleeps all day so again i'll be alone with the baby all day. I was a single parent with my DS and it was a struggle....but I managed. I thought this time would be different tho and that I'd have an amazing DP who would rub my feet and bring me tea and pore over baby clothes with me!!!

Sorry...massive rant. Just needed to get it all off my chest before I explode! xxx

Hoover not hover! And all the best with your PGCE :)

Working nights is horrific so I completely understand why your partner feels they don't need to contribute to the house work as much. My poor fella is out the house for a minimum of 14 hours a night, then has all his work calls at home pre and post shift. I make allowances for my partners lack of housework because of this. It doesn't excuse him from it fully however. I think you both need to be a bit more understanding of each others situation and have an adult discussion about it. Throwing your weight about, demanding more help will only pi** him off.

We don't yet have any children but we have two boisterous doggies. I try to walk them when I get in from work which means he gets a bit of extra sleep and it means I get a bit of quiet time when I get home cos the dogs will have a sleep. I must admit that the further along I'm getting,the harder it is to bend down to pick up dog logs though lol. Walking the dogs helps me wind down after a busy day. Try not looking at that job as a chore

To be honest I'd rather do all the jobs in the house than work nights. It shaves years off your life believe it or not (nothing like ending on a happy note lol)

I can definitely see why you wanted a good old moan! Sounds a most frustrating situation - no fun for you feeling you have to do all the chores yourself and no fun for your husband having to work nights.

To second/third the more practical suggestions up post... Could you stretch to a cleaner an hour or two a week? My DH and I both work long hours and we really feel it is money well spent both in terms of house appearance and not bickering about whose turn it is to clean the bathroom.

A counter top dishwasher to stash away the washing up? Slamming in a tablet and pressing a button would hopefully be manageable for everyone in the family.

And maybe bringing some perspective... I feel like I lack the essential need to do housework gene and it makes for an easier life in terms of not getting het up because there's some crumbs on the carpet. Your important job at the moment is getting through the PGCE and nurturing the new baby. If there is a bit of washing up hanging around, sobeit. The world is not going to implode.

First, well done for doing a PGCE while being pregnant; I assume that your school placement will end this week so at least you won't be on your feet all day. Have a good rest for a couple of days and then a really hard think about your situation; you don't want to be single with a new baby but your partner is being extremely selfish and at thirty-five, shouldn't be so irresponsible. Going without sleep is hard and makes you tired, but so are you. Prioritise what has to be done, for you, son, baby and work; don't do his washing or cooking, not as a punishment but because you haven't the time; do what is necessary for you; unfortunately, that means washing dishes so you can get to your sink. If you can possibly get a cleaner or a dishwasher they do make a huge difference. And don't try to keep your son quiet when he comes home; he is entitled to his time the same as your partner. You don't deserve this treatment and you shouldn't be appeasing him, but equally try to avoid confrontations until you are feeling less tired; you are not in a good place at the moment for making major decisions. I do hope things improve for you all.

Not unreasonable at all! Blimy I'm and old timer a HoY and let me tell you I would NOT have handled PGCE with all the pregnancy symptoms. Kudos for sticking with it.

DH (also 35) works unusual hours and was pretty slack pre pregnancy but bless him he realised I looked like death and has now mastered the various appliances around the kitchen with aplomb!

Maybe you need to raid the 'lazy kids strategies' from your teacher's toolkit because yours 'could do better'.

Thank you for all of your replies! Its break time so I've got a minute to reply! Some of my nagging must have gone in because this morning he came home from work and took the dog straight out for a walk! I don't see dog walking as a chore but when I get home and she's been stuck in all day I get frustrated, especially when I know DP has been up during the day and could have walked her round the block. My DS is fab, he tidies his own room, helps me fill and unfill the washing machine, loves polishing and gets himself washed and dressed every morning...a lot of this is through bribery but he does it so I don't care :) im seriously considering hiring a cleaner...even if its just to clean the bathroom or kitchen for me. Stupid question but do you have to be home while they're there? Id feel like lady muck sitting there with my feet up while someone cleaned! Also, do they iron?! Thankfully I break up for half term tomorrow although part of me is dreading trying to keep DS and dog quiet while DP sleeps through the day. We do havesome plans for days out but I cant afford to take him out all day every day...plus would like at least one or two lazy dvd days on the sofa with him and our easter eggs! Over the last few months DP has applied for over 30 jobs but no luck so far...I want this all resolved before baby arrives obviously and think a daytime job would go a long way to helping. Even when he's off it is quite difficult. ..he finishes friday morning but then is back in on sunday evening. He tries to get up at lunchtime on a friday (funnily enough the only day he can sleep!) So we spend friday evening together and Saturday. But then sundays are pretty much a write off becauae he wants to be back in bed by 2pm before startin work again. For the last few weeks ive been spending sundays at my parent's house so we can all bounce around and make as much noise as we want without getting shouted at!! My parents have been amazing, they know how hard im finding everythin at the moment and have helped as much as they can. Last wkend DP was on a stag do and my parents spent the whole weekend with me, helping me put up wardrobes, new blinds, work in the garden etc while we could actually make some noise! The house was spotless but when I looked round last night everywhere looked dirty and dusty. I hope you dont think im being uptigjt and picky...I can be lazy too and sometimes would rather pile everything behind the sofa than actually clean and tidy, but with an 8 yr old and a puppy we need to hoover pretty much every eveni bf. Am googling cleaners as we speak! And dishwashers!!!! :) xx

Good on you, Justpenny! It's not easy is it. And I think when you're in the house a lot the state of it can really get to you and even little things start to drive you mad. Dishwasher has revolutionised our kitchen to the extent that I now make more nutritious meals because I'm not thinking 'but that will take 3 saucepans and I can't be arsed cleaning them'! You don't sound lazy to me at all. I believe in minimal housework because life is short- I know some people who get up an hour before they need to to wash their floors- that won't ever the case in our house but the flip side is that I have to learn to embrace the mess a little more. Easier said than done. Someone suggested that I write myself a big sign saying 'It's bohemian!' for the kitchen ;-)

Buy a dishwasher and a Roomba, and tell your DP to do his own laundry. That should reduce the workload substantially.

If you can afford a cleaner then go for it!! My cleaner irons- also makes me tidier because the house has to be tidy for her to actually clean it.

My amazing sister has just offered to come in every Friday and do two hrs for me (paid of course!) So now all I need to do is broach the subject with DP! Im sure he'll moan but on a fri he tends to get up early and take the dog out so it could work really well! Dishwasher is next on my list altho ive got space in my kitchen for either a dishwasher or a dryer...what do u think would b better? At the minute I take most of my things to my mum's to dry, and have a maiden permanently set up in the dinin room which is always full! Did someone mention a worktop dishwasher???

You will use a dishwasher more often so I'd go for that, especially if you have some other means of getting things dry. Wee baby clothes and bibs dry on the radiators in no time at all. xxx

Glad it sounds like things are starting to look up for you op. It sounds like nights really aren't working for the two of you; would your dp consider/be able to take some lpaternity leave? (I know there was talk of fathers being able to split it with mothers, but haven't looked into what the outcome was)

Glad it sounds like things are starting to look up for you op. It sounds like nights really aren't working for the two of you; would your dp consider/be able to take some long term paternity leave? (I know there was talk of fathers being able to split it with mothers, but haven't looked into what the outcome was). Obviously it's not a long term solution, but might buy him some time to keep job hunting and see how difficult it can be to be at home with the mess!

I've heard good things about these heated airers from Lakeland (two- or three-tier models). They're supposed to be cheap to run and fold down when not in use. Handy for when you don't want the radiators on in warmer weather.

OP. If you haven't already, get some really good ear plugs for DP.
They really do help, together with thick black out curtains/blinds.

The lakeland heated airer is wonderful.
I use mine all the time.

My DH works nights and he gets really shattered. However, he always gets up in time to either pick DS up from nursery, does snack, bath and helps with bedtime, then cooks dinner and goes for a run. On his days off he does cleaning, gardening, DIY. He likes me to give him a list of stuff that needs doing - would your DP prefer that do you think? Or is my DH just weird

Those Lakeland heated airers look amazing! Will definitely look into getting one!

Im not sure how the shared maternity/paternity leave works either to be honest. Although I don't think i'm actually entitled to any maternity pay at all. I'm a full time student right now, completing the PGCE course and I don't think that entitles me to maternity pay or maternity allowance. So i'm saving like a demon at the moment so I've got at least some money aside for when the baby arrives! I'm due at the beginning of Sept and was hoping to have saved enough to be able to refrain from working until maybe the February...at which point i'll probably start looking for part time supply work, and then full time work from either next easter or September.

It's going to be a real struggle if i'm honest, DP's wage is not that great, and I doubt we could manage on that alone which is why i'm frantically saving and buying bits and bobs on a weekly basis now to kind of spread the cost!

Am hoping he has a better job by then...even though he doesn't earn much i'd happily have him take a pay cut for a better quality of time together.

Today he had washed the dishes, hung washing out on the line (it started to rain but I didn't moan!!) and put a wash in. He put the soap powder in the wrong compartment and put the wrong amount in but it's baby steps...haha!

I feel so bone achingly tired today that i'm struggling to keep my eyes open but have so much work to do for tomorrow. I finished work at 4, picked DS up, took him to karate, and finally sat down to eat my dinner at 7.30pm...which I have just lovingly thrown up all over the bathroom!! Happy days eh?! Roll on half term!!!

curiousuze your DP sounds amazing! I have just written mine a shopping list for tomorrow which he has promised he will do...but we'll see! I don't suppose I could loan yours for a week or so could I? Just until all my DIY and gardening jobs are done??!!

dishwashingexpert.co.uk/compact-countertop-dishwashers

Handy table top dishwashers!

Really pleased to see things are starting to look up. Hope your partner can find a new job soon.

Look into Maternity Allowance. I thought I wasn't entitled to anything either but it turns out I can get a little bit.

justpenny he is great, but on the flip side there are dozens of things he does which would drive you fucking insane! Leaving his dirty underwear on the kitchen work top for instance (whhhhhhhy?!)

Im glad hes doing a bit more. While I understand that nights are hard, if he lived alone he'd have to do a minimum of shopping, cooking, washing and cleaning so its not unreasonable to expect something!

Could it be just a question of routine? Maybe if he got into the habit of stopping at the supermarket on the way home then walking the dog and then going to bed?

Eeeeww! Dirty undies on the work tops?! Haha! Mine doesnt do that but wet towels on the bed and empty packets of crisps are his strong point!! I'd love to think it's a question of routine but he's been on nights now since September! I could understand if he'd maybe just started and was gettin into the swing of things. I barely spoke to him this morning cos I was so tired but have left a shopping list for him and he's promised to do that for when I get home tonight. I hope he does otherwise we're having empty pitta bread for dinner and DS will have to share the dog's biscuita!! Ive got an Old Mother Hubbard situation at home at the minute :)
Im going to try the whiteboard thing this wkend too...and give DS some little jobs too for extra pennies. Fingers crossed it works!

Based on my own observation that pre-schooler DD, in contrast to nearly 40-year-old DP, is better at cultivating helpful domestic routines, perhaps you might add DS's tasks to your whiteboard and tick them off? Bit of healthy competition!