How to broach the subject of childcare with MIL?

[ElleDubloo]

I have a brilliant MIL who I get on with swimmingly. She's delighted I'm pregnant and really excited about having her first grandchild. We live 25 mins away from her (we're actually currently living at her house, because we're having work done to our bathroom). We might move in with her more permanently when I'm due, to have her help with the baby in the early days.

I'd like to broach the subject of childcare, but I'm not sure how to do it sensitively, and without looking like I'm taking advantage of her. TBH, I'd like to take 6 months maternity leave and then return to work full-time, and it would be amazing if she would volunteer to take on all the childcare after that. It's a big ask. She has a part-time job as a teacher, which she has hinted that she doesn't enjoy very much.

Is it reasonable for me to ask her whether she'd like to quit her job so that I can go back to work?
How should we recompense her for the loss of earnings? Could we offer to pay her (because we'd rather pay her than pay a childminder we don't know) but would she take offense?

Would be great to get everyone's thoughts on this :)

I was going to say try looking in bits of SE London as well.

Sorry, I meant to ask glorious where she lived. Was looking at the wrong post.

NurseyWursey - my MIL brought up 3 kids of her own, so I think she would know, and she would say "no" if she's not up for it.

BTW I had a chat with her just now as we were preparing dinner together. She told me she took 4 years off work when she had her kids, then she asked me how much maternity leave we get in the UK, and I said maximum 1 year, but then my BIL came into the room and he doesn't know about the pregnancy yet so we stopped talking.

Elle sorry but it's completely different when it's your own and I assume she was much younger then. Don't get me wrong I'm sure she'll love your child, it's her grandchild, but don't overestimate how much this means to her and don't take advantage of it.

The thing with 'no' is she might feel unable to say no.

Have only read bits of the thread but considering both your jobs are likely to fall outside the usual childcare hours, I would think keeping your mil as " back up" or " out of hours" childcare is your best option ( if she's up for it of course!)

Elle - My mother is a teacher (still does part time) and took five years off when she had us to stay home. So she's done the full time mother thing and also worked with children a lot. She has commented when she comes to visit me (so not even in sole charge) how exhausting she finds it. Parenting young children is one of those activities which really takes it out of you in your 50s/60s compared to your 20s/30s, something which even the grandmothers themselves don't necessarily realise until they do it. Just worth bearing in mind...

You'd like her to take on ALL the childcare after 6 months- really?

Elle not sure if you saw but I mentioned it

Elle - your DH needs a reality check about expenditure given that he is about to have a baby and your flat sounds on the small side...

My DH has been a partner in a city firm for years without the assistance of a £1000 watch...

If MIL has three dcs, is there not a chance that other grandchildren may come along?

"I'd personally love to leave London, but DH is tied to the City."

My DH works in the City also. We live in Cambridgeshire. He gets a fast train and his commute is not much longer than it was when we were living in Wimbledon. Most of DHs colleagues who have families live outside London and commute in.

"My DH has been a partner in a city firm for years without the assistance of a £1000 watch... "

Indeed, mine too!

Well we just asked my husbands mum outright and said no pressure think about it and let us know when time comes

We have still paid deposit for nursery but have offered her to look after baby for 3 days a week and we will pay her £800 a month

Choice is totally hers , of course it's nicer if she did it but if not we happy to put baby to nursery

I'm only 12 weeks gone and I'm returning to work at 6 months so she has a long time to decide. As I said we have place at nursery as back up so no pressure at all on her.

Should of added she currently works at Tesco and hates it , what we will pay her is pretty much same amount she earns now.

My DM loves being involved with my DC and was totally unimpressed when we put DD1 in childcare as why would we when we had a perfectly good Granny at home

Then we had DD2, and now have DC3 on the way. DD1 at school, DD2 at nursery three days a week which are the days I work. DM picks up from school and nursery and covers any late nights/early mornings. Anymore would be too much for her even though she would never admit it.

Practically it also gives you more options. If DMIL is on holiday/ill/breaks a leg what would you do? You have no back up. However by using a mixture of both where you can that means you always have options.

I love my job (secondary teacher) and will also love my baby when she comes along in 2 months time. Elle, I asked my mil about childcare already as I appreciate as a hard working woman you want to be efficient and organised ready for the birth of your first child. Luckily I have managed to go part time so I was only really asking my MIL to do 3 days a week Max!! I have also lined up a nursery round the corner from school if MIL would just like to spend 1-2 days with her first grandchild. My MIL felt very excited when I asked her but I very much placed the ball on her metaphorical court so that she could accept/decline knowing I had a 'back-up' in place.

I have to say that I have never seen a threat go quite so mad before! I think it's probably the heat and the fact that some are jealous of the potential child care. Not everyone wants to be a SAHM once they've had children. Some, like myself and Elle have been to university for years and are atill only 25:26 years old, why throw it all away? Who says you cAnt have both. Both sounds good to me :-)

Good luck Elle x

You don't throw it away. You take responsibility and find a childcare solution that doesn't involve running back to mummy unless she offers.

And until you have that baby you have no idea how tiring looking after children is.

hello OP.

I don't think anybody knows what looking after children is like until they have them themselves.
You might decide not to go back to work for a long time.
As for having help during the early days I think it is better to manage yourselves as this is the bonding time for you dh and baby.
I get on swimmingly with my mil, but certainly didn't want her around after I'd given birth.
I would wait and see what happens, very early days yet.

johull I've just turned 26 and am a graduate. (Unfortunately I don't wish to use my degree but will be returning to education to train as a nurse next year hopefully)

I, like you and like the OP, when I was pregnant didn't realise how much hard work it is looking after my beautiful daughter! I had intended to be a sahm (I'm currently on ML) but now I have decided to go back to education to retrain, a) because I want a proper career and b) because being at home 24/7 with my dd is hard hard work and she is what many would call an easy baby!!
For childcare there is no way I would want my dm or dmil to become full time childcare, as I want them to enjoy thier dgc, not have it become a job. (And they are both relatively young)

Trust me, its hard work, I can't stress it enough.

So you are a pregnant FY2 expecting your first child in your first year of CMT? Honestly, in your situation I think I would plan to go back into LTFT for a few years. You are young & have plenty of time on your side. After a year or two of LTFT your DH should be in a position to control his work schedule more & it becomes his responsibility to manage more childcare/domesticity as you go back into full time training.

That's just my take on it. We had DC1 in first year graduate medical school & DC2 in the first month of FY1. I was a sahm for a while - DH is the doctor - but I am working full time now while he works part time. For us i don't think we could cope if we were both working full time. My mum looks after tr DC while we work but she volunteered & is also clear that she will stop in a year.

If you paid her a nanny's wage or something like £20k a year she might prefer that to her part time job. I think it should be properly and fully paid so neither side feels advantage is being taken. I know my mother who still had my brother at home and still at school when our first was born was waiting and waiting for that day when she would be free of the daily grind (and she would not have been up for childcare of any kind) which is fine. I will be working until I am 80 full time for myself so will not be looking after grandchildren although happy to play with them at weekends etc. I only took a few weeks off to have my babies and went back to full time work as I find 24/7 childcare and housework very boring.

Good luck Elle, I think if the relationship is good with your MIL, there's absolutely no harm at all in broaching the subject with her, as long as she isn't the type of person who'd be pressured into saying yes when it's not what she wants. If my MIL lived closer, I'd definitely be considering asking her the same as will be going back to work relatively soon after the baby is born. I really don't see anything wrong with it, but obviously depends on the individual person and situation.

It is perfectly possible (just hard work) to do oncology LTFT. But as jane says, you have barely started your career. There is plenty of time!

If your career is so important to you I simply cannot understand why you have chosen to have a baby in FY2, in another few years the night shifts will be much fewer/ non existent and it would be so much easier to have a baby then.
You do seem very set in your ways over certain things, such as having to live in what is clearly a very expensive part of London! why not live in eg cambridge ( good oncology options for your career) and DH train it in. You are basically expecting your MIL to have your baby virtually 24/7 and even if culturally MIL help with childcare she will find it exhausting, and something she had no choice in.

Well, DH asked his mother tonight, and she said yes. I haven't decided whether to take 6 months or 1 year of maternity leave, or whether to go back full or part time. But DH says she's happy to take over all the care, regardless, whatever we need.

Once again, thanks everyone for the advice given on this thread. Some of it was a bit rude, some much more sympathetic, but all of it was useful, because it gave me lots of different people's perspectives. We plan to give her about £2000 a month - either for herself or for her to hire a nanny to help her (we haven't mentioned this to her now). And I'll keep an open mind about how soon (and how often) to go back to work.