So sad that my parents didn't get excited

[mandbaby]

Hubby and I went for our 12 week scan yesterday and saw our DC3 - it was amazing and made everything so "real". I was on top of the world despite my doubts that having a third child was going to be too hard.

Up until then, we hadn't told anyone about my pregnancy.

We have two sons, aged 2.5 and 4, and they go to to nursery for 3 mornings a week while I'm at work. At 1pm my parents pick them up and take them back to their house and take care of them until I can pick them up at 3.30. Without my parents help, we'd really struggle and it would cost us a small fortune in childcare. (I don't want to give up my job because I work in a school and get all the school holidays off - jobs like mine are like hens teeth - so rare - and I'd be mad to give it up because I know when ALL 3 of my children are at school, my job will be worth its weight in gold).

When DC3 is born, my eldest son will have just started school, and the year after when I return to work after maternity leave, my youngest son will be starting school, so it will just be DC3 who I'll have to find childcare for. I was hoping (but not expecting) that my parents would want to take care of him/her for 3 afternoons a week as they've done with my 2 boys.

But yesterday when I broke the news of our pregnancy to my mum, she didn't hug or congratulate me. She just sniggered and asked me if I was mad. Then she said "I assume you'll be giving up work this time as your Dad and I are getting too old to be looking after them".

Ok, my Dad's a healthy 65 yr old, and my mum is a fairly healthy 63 year old, so whilst they aren't spring chickens, I know that if they didn't look after my boys for 3 afternoons a week they wouldn't do anything else with their time.

Whilst I don't expect them and haven't asked them to help out with DC3, I think their reaction (or rather their lack of reaction) to the news that they're getting another grandchild was a disgrace. My dad just rolled his eyes and didn't speak. He didn't even shake my husband's hand.

If my mum's hairdresser was to tell her she was expecting a baby, my mum would be thrilled and would undoubtedly show her excitement - but with me, nothing.

I came away from their house holding back the tears. Even my boss at work hugged me today!

Some of the responses on this thread are pretty unfair. I won't expect my mum to help with childcare when I go back to work but I'm hoping she'll offer. I know full well that she is busy enjoying her retirement and has other stuff to do but childcare support is not an unreasonable modern expectation foisted on grandparents recently. My gran helped my my mum when we were small. She helped my aunts. It's part of being a family. In 30 years I expect to help my own kids as much as I'm able.it is a relatively new idea that each nuclear family unit should struggle on alone and personally I think women are much worse of for it.

childcare support is not an unreasonable modern expectation foisted on grandparents recently

This is certainly true.

However, one recent development that, IMO, makes a difference is that we are having our families later. Which means that grandparents are providing support when they themselves are later in life, with all the extra issues that that entails.

Historically, people could expect to become grandparents in their 40's, when the man would still be working and the woman would be at home. Now people are becoming grandparents in their 60's - when for many their health is starting to deteriorate. Even those who are still in good health, such as my FIL, say that they want to enjoy some time now, because they don't know how much longer they will remain in good health.

And let's not forget how agricultural society was only 200 years ago, which made it possible for woman to take young children into the fields with them, and hence less reliant on childcare.

I think people are generally less enthusiastic about any pregnancy after the first 2.

currently pregnant with DC3 and even without relying on any family for any childcare, there's noticeably less enthusiasm. my father didn't say congratulations just 'oh right'.

at the end of the day, they are your children, and only your immediate family can be expected to really be excited. by immediate i mean you, your partner and the children. that's my experience anyway.

I feel for you OP, and know how upsetting it is. My mum wanted to help with childcare for DC1 and offered as much of her time as we wanted. We suggested 1 day per week, as we didn't want her to feel like a CM, which I think she was initially disappointed with. We also agreed there were no hard feelings if it became to much and she wanted to stop. She started looking after DC1 when he was 18 months old, no issues raised even when asked. We also took leave if there was any reason why she look after him eg holiday, invitation to go out with friends. Yet just before I went on maternity leave with DC2 18 months later it was obvious she was finding it too much even though she wouldn't say so. I used Annual leave for the 8 weeks before mat leave so she only had him for 1/2 day. I got upset on the last day she had him, when she said so is that it in. I explained again mat leave started the next week so I didn't need o leave him with her but would if she wanted to, otherwise was looking forward to seeing her together for lunches, etc when she was free. She wasn't interested in seeing DC2 very often when she was born, which upset dad who wanted to see her so was a very difficult time. We are now expecting DC3 any day, she is still talking to us and happy to see me with or without kids every few weeks, but no idea what will happen over the coming months....

"However, one recent development that, IMO, makes a difference is that we are having our families later. Which means that grandparents are providing support when they themselves are later in life, with all the extra issues that that entails. "

Yes - also many charities like age concern's forebears, in the Victorian times, were initially set up to prevent old people (who had no pension and were too old to work) being used as unpaid servants "we care for you gran, so you do the housework" which affected their health. Of course, not universally, but it wasn't just a sweet extended-family culture there was a neative side. When it was something 'everyone did' there was a dark side, too - which came of expectation and the older person's needs being ignored. Lots of folk tales and poems (e.g. http://www.bartleby.com/103/45.html ) feature revenge on a young couple who use their retired relative as unpaid childcare/housecare... must have been something that people are aware of.

Also, current 65 year old women often worked during the notorious 'doubleshift' years when women worked BUT men didn't do the housework. Many deserve a bloody good rest.

Not that this situation is anything like those folk tales but I was just thinking about it! Used to work with older people hence my weird random knowledge. :)

I'm the same age as your parents and I would have been a bit anxious in case you expected me to have the third child.

But we are very active people and like to get out and about now we are retired. I wouldn't want to look after any grandchildren that come along - let alone 3.

OP - just to confirm, my understanding is that your parents have the DC 7.5 hours pw over 3 days? And your eldest would be on school before DC3 arrives, so at no point even if your DP had offered to look after children on a further extended basis would they be looking after all 3 at once?

I think even in light of any responses to the above - I stand by my original thoughts...

I've thought about this and this is my revised opinion:

Your parents should have said before that they're struggling with your kids or saved It for another day. They'd obviously discussed already by the sounds of their combined reactions so really it's not fair on you to not react happily to the idea of a grandchild when they could later think about childcare issues.

Just to add they offered in the first place so hey should make it clear if their feelings change.

I have heard from people with more than two children that some people do give a hint of disapproval. Not to mention if people have four, five or more children. This is up to the people concerned. But I do think it's cheeky to expect childminding as a right for any amount of children you should care to have. And all this my parents are delighted to do it. No doubt a lot are. But some people do struggle as they get older and don't say anything for fear of offending.

I know that if they didn't look after my boys for 3 afternoons a week they wouldn't do anything else with their time.

You say this as if you are doing them a favour by letting them look after your children. It is their time and they may have been looking forward to having it to themselves again so that your ecstatic announcement came as quite a shock. You will need to sit down with them and discuss current childcare arrangements because it looks as if they are struggling.

I looked after my dgs for 4 hours yesterday because it was an emergency. I wouldn't have been doing much else with my time. Mumsnetting, bit of tidying, preparing dinner etc, basically whatever I fancied. I would not look after him regularly because I like to do my own thing and, having worked for many years to support my family (3 of whom are still at home), I feel I have earned the right to choose.

I'm sure they will be really pleased for you once they are over the shock.

Congratulations.

Hi, congratulations on your pregnancy, I can understand your upset they did not congratulate but like a lot of people said they maybe thought first thing who that would impact on them. I do have helpful mum, my dads died but would have been no help regarding kids and also helpful mother and father in law, but only on their terms, they offer to have them for days out ect , but they stated start away ,them that have them owt to look after them, which at the time annoyed me, but now I see they have had their children and its time for their time, even if its sitting in front of the tv! Maybe just talking openly to them , saying you don't expect them to help or seeing what they would like to do, they might say they want to help but not as much, I think communication is the key, good luck, and again congratulations x