So sad that my parents didn't get excited

[mandbaby]

Hubby and I went for our 12 week scan yesterday and saw our DC3 - it was amazing and made everything so "real". I was on top of the world despite my doubts that having a third child was going to be too hard.

Up until then, we hadn't told anyone about my pregnancy.

We have two sons, aged 2.5 and 4, and they go to to nursery for 3 mornings a week while I'm at work. At 1pm my parents pick them up and take them back to their house and take care of them until I can pick them up at 3.30. Without my parents help, we'd really struggle and it would cost us a small fortune in childcare. (I don't want to give up my job because I work in a school and get all the school holidays off - jobs like mine are like hens teeth - so rare - and I'd be mad to give it up because I know when ALL 3 of my children are at school, my job will be worth its weight in gold).

When DC3 is born, my eldest son will have just started school, and the year after when I return to work after maternity leave, my youngest son will be starting school, so it will just be DC3 who I'll have to find childcare for. I was hoping (but not expecting) that my parents would want to take care of him/her for 3 afternoons a week as they've done with my 2 boys.

But yesterday when I broke the news of our pregnancy to my mum, she didn't hug or congratulate me. She just sniggered and asked me if I was mad. Then she said "I assume you'll be giving up work this time as your Dad and I are getting too old to be looking after them".

Ok, my Dad's a healthy 65 yr old, and my mum is a fairly healthy 63 year old, so whilst they aren't spring chickens, I know that if they didn't look after my boys for 3 afternoons a week they wouldn't do anything else with their time.

Whilst I don't expect them and haven't asked them to help out with DC3, I think their reaction (or rather their lack of reaction) to the news that they're getting another grandchild was a disgrace. My dad just rolled his eyes and didn't speak. He didn't even shake my husband's hand.

If my mum's hairdresser was to tell her she was expecting a baby, my mum would be thrilled and would undoubtedly show her excitement - but with me, nothing.

I came away from their house holding back the tears. Even my boss at work hugged me today!

and I did wonder, just from the thread title, how much childcare they were doing.

I think they were incredibly insensitive and they could have timed their complaint better. Grandparents all over the world look after their grandkids. Here it's only been a generation or three where families have been less supportive of each other and I'm not sure the individualism is that flattering for our society but hey ho what do I know. I'm a first time mum whose parents will barely see their first grandkid because of distance.

Congratulations OP on pregnancy and scan. Don't let other people's reactions get you down.

Unfortunately it might well be a generational thing. Expecting the "woman" to give up work and look after children was the norm even only a few years ago.

Even though ironically I have had the opposite of when am I going to find work (so you can never win)

Perhaps you need to discuss with them childcare now and ask if they mind continuing with the current arrangement or if they would prefer for you to find alternative arrangements?

tbh I would be concerned about the current arrangements given their reaction. but thts me in my pregnant paranoid state.

congratulations btw. the next few months is all about adapation. I am sure that why we get 9 months, to prepare ourselves for the changes ahead.

Hi mandbaby, I can see myself finding myself in a similar position in the future as I am currently 14 1/2 weeks pregnant and DM has already said several times that she will look after baby if and when I go back to work. I have told her our long term plans (not that we can assume we will be so lucky) will be to have around three children all as close together as Mother Nature allows.

Gosh it does sound like they're really unhappy with the childcare they're already doing. Your dad's "eye roll" suggests that this has been a problem for them for quite some time. Maybe they didn't discuss it and just hoped it would be over soon when the two went to school, and they wouldn't have to have the tough conversation with you.

I want to be gentle but I think it might be a little unfair to assume that if they didn't have your dc to look after "they wouldn't have anything to do". My parents are the same age as yours, as are various sets of my aunts and uncles. They spend their lives globe trotting. Some have second homes abroad where they live for four months a year. My parents are almost never at home nowadays. They are having a fantastic time and I don't begrudge them a second of it.

It would be out of the question for me or my sister to expect or hope that they would look after our children, tying themselves down to being at home for 35 weeks of the year (or whatever school terms are).

Maybe your parents were looking forward to exploring, travelling, making big plans for themselves- who knows? Maybe they feel that while they are still mobile enough to see the world they'd like to do things- go away for a month, etc? It must be hard to make plans when you're tied to being at home three days a week, looking after little ones.

It would be kind of you, I think, to perhaps look into other childcare options, even for some of the time.

I'm sorry you didn't get the reaction you would have liked, though. Every baby deserves to be welcomed and it's not your little one's fault that there are pre-existing issues. Congratulations and hope everything goes brilliantly!

Congratulations!

In defence of your parents, I personally found looking after young children utterly draining, as a fairly fit and healthy early-30-something. I imagine it's a lot more knackering when you're in your sixties. In fact both my friends who have a big gap between their DCs have said they noticed a huge difference between the energy they had for their kids in their early 20s compared to their late 30s.

It's not reasonable at all to expect (or actually even hope) that they will do this - it's a huge commitment, and some days they probably really can't be arsed.

And the issue in our generation (late 30s and 40s) is that we will have to work till we drop and won't be available to look after grandchildren.

Personally, I have enjoyed having my 3, but I'm glad they are all school-aged. I don't really care for babies, toddlers and ore-schoolers and will make sure my kids, who will likely emigrate, anyhow, that I'm not available to look after little kids. I'll still be working, anyhow.

My parents (mum in particular) help out my brother and SIL with childcare. They are fab grandparents and adore all their grandchildren, but they do now find it a bind that they are tied into this. I suspect my brother would say that they would not otherwise do anything - my mum does not really have any hobbies. But when I speak to them I can tell they are itching to do other things. She can't take up hobbies if she has no time to do them.

I do not plan to provide childcare for any grandchildren my dcs may have.
Ds will be in Australia probably, and it will be at least 12 years before dd has any......I will be 66.

Sod that...I'll be having my own gap years

Firstly, congratulations!

If it makes you feel better, I told my parents two weeks ago and literally all my mum managed was "oh right".
They love abroad so won't be about to help at all, but I still wanted them to be as happy as I am.

Parents are strange creatures but I am sure they love you dearly and if they knew how upset you are would be upset themselves xxx

Congratulations on the baby.

However, I can completely see your parents point of view. I think asking them to have 2 dc at their age on a regular basis is rather cheeky. I'm not surprised they weren't thrilled. Why can't you find a childminder for them?

I'm sure they are happy for you really.

I don't want to be unkind, but your post made me think of some friends of mine. Their dd has three children, and they have done a similar amount of child care for her as you mention for yours for the preschool years (perhaps a bit more). I am not saying you are like their dd, or that the people involved are the same, but in their case it has been a burden which their friends have watched with increasing concern over the years. Now the youngest gc has started school, but they are a lot older now. They have in effect put their freedom on hold for 10 years, as cover for their dd and her dh's careers. They are tired from it all, and actually not very well now. I do wonder that if they had not felt they should help so consistently, that they might have enjoyed their retirement more.

It's not that they didn't enjoy their gc - they did/do, and love them very much. But looking from the outside, it really seems as though it would have been better if their dd had recognised the impact of the care-giving on them and backed off herself. In their case, they felt they could not say no, but the third gc was rather like re-shouldering a burden and starting all over again (even though, as I say, they love all their gc and are very involved with, and proud of, them).

This thread has really made me think.

I even text my mother to say i hope that they don't assume i expect them to look after my children if and when i go back to work, and that i hope they know i want them to enjoy their retirement together.

It's sad that they reacted the way they did. Sounds like you all need to sit and have a chat about what you're all happy to do. They are well within their rights to object but could have been a bit more mature about how they communicated their reservations.

Anyway as long as you're not asking for anything from them... fuck em and be happy for yourselves!

Lovely that you're having a 3rd little one. Congratulations should have been the first thing! Your dad's reaction was particularly rude.

They do need to have a chat to you about how they can help you with minding your children.

I mean this in a nice way but maybe consider that you've had a good run of free childcare and take the financial hit if they offer fewer days/hours help ... so many of us work for nothing once childcare is deducted. I earn £1 per hour after my childcare and fuel are deducted.

Understandit from there view, you say you werent expecting them, but your upset and pissed off by the fact they wont? You should have said to them that youve already made plans aside for the childcare. That shows them that your not always relying on them and think of them, they sound stressed. They probably just think to themselves tephey need a break as they done there part and now retired. Im very close to my parents and they always take me places but i always make sure that they really dont mind, i never ask. X

Congrats OP! I'm sorry that you got such a cold reception from your parents... To me the childcare issue is secondary, and your AIBU is related to their reaction to your news (to be upset at which YADNBU!!)

I think you've been given a bit of a hard time on this thread too

Chin up (on both counts), hopefully you will be able to put this incident behind you all soon

AB

I have to agree with others - it may have been better to announce the news with news that you were going to get a child minder instead of asking them to do it. We have no free GP child care so a 3rd child is out of the question. I work and only just make ends meet after child care / nursery costs. I know lots of people who do expect GP to child care for free, even if they say they don't. They then moan about things that saud GP do of don't do with DC. I also know 2 sets of GPs who have reacted in a similar way post age 60 to the news of a third child.. They have told me that the news if another GC was lovely news but they felt obliged to offer more years of exhausting time binding child care. One of my mums friends told her she didn't know what to say at news of another GC ... She didn't want to not have the same bond, but couldn't face another 4 years.

Lovely news, but don't assume they don't want their freedom back

But annaban, it's clear from the OP that the grandparents' reaction was the way it was BECAUSE of the childcare issues- the grandmother said as much. So you can't separate the two.

Apart from the fact that this isn't AIBU, honestly I don't think the OP got that hard a time. Most people congratulated her and wished her the best. And tried to gently point out that maybe there are issues here that the OP may not have seen or may be choosing to ignore. It's a big ask for the grandparents and they undoubtedly reacted badly and inappropriately but what most of us were trying to do was to see their point of view rather than condemning them outright.

Sorry if you're upset OP. But as many have suggested, I think you will find that your parents will be much more enthusiastic if you make it clear to them that you will be putting other childcare arrangements in place!

I have a lady I speak to at a mums and toddlers group who has her 2 grandchildren whilst her daughter and son inlaw are at work . She and grandad love their grandchildren dearly , she does often express how tired they are and quite looking forward to the youngest being in school so they can get a break.
I think maybe your mum handled the news thinking of the impact to herself and your dad. They will of course be overjoyed with the new baby . It durst mean they want another 3 years babysitting. Even though you say you hadn't asked if they would look after new baby you did say you'd hoped they would. They would know that without asking.
It's a lot for them for any elderly person. My parents certainly couldn't do it daily .

Oh and congratulations . A new baby is lovely , you'll find away whatever the case x

My nan really enjoyed looking after me and my brother every morning when we were growing up as my mum worked part time. However I won't get that luxury from my parents or ILs as they all work still!

I think you've been very lucky in that respect and I do kind of understand your problem - it does sound like your children had a good rerelationship with your parents which dc3 won't get and you may now struggle financially, however I suppose a conversation needed to have been had but then wasn't the time. A congratulations wouldn't have gone a miss and childcare could have been discussed later! It was a shame your parents assumed you would expect them to look after dc3 if the only reason you expected it before was because they offered. I too would be upset, even my mum tried not to act too negatively and I really thought she would!

Sorry, only half of my post posted:

I also think that congratulating you on your pregnancy and discussing childcare should be completely separate. Congratulations!!

Look they've obviously had enough of providing free childcare for you.

It's a pity that the news that you are having a third child has to be tempered by their immediate realisation that you are going to expect more free childcare.

Of course it does.

And yes, it would be joy for the hairdresser, because the hairdresser won't ask them for free childcare.

Op congratulations! I too would be devastated if my parents reacted like that to the news. I've never understood the mn view that you are rude and/or entitled to expect childcare from grandparents and family members. But I think that's because I'm of African descent and our traditions involve alot more family support. My Mum gave me alot of help and I am looking forward to doing the same for my dc one day in the distant future. Indeed I consider it to be my duty as a grandmother and a privilege but again that's part of our culture.

If your parents are finding it hard work to look after your boys they should just say so rather than behave like they did today.