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Original poster

Telling the family on xmas day.... how are you doing it??

141 replies

dontsqueezetheteabag · 13/12/2013 10:17

PG with baby #1 - will be 8 weeks on xmas day and DH and I are going away with friends over new year. I will not be able to hide the fact that I am PG from our friends while we are away so I need to tell our family on xmas day.

I have made up picture frames with a picture of a stock and a line underneath saying "Baby ..., due August 2014". I am going to wrap them and give on to each family couple after they have opened their other pressies on xmas day.

If you are planning on telling your family on xmas day how are you doing it??

I need hand holding until then so I keep my mouth shut!!!!

OP posts:
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HerrenaHarridan · 13/12/2013 14:17

Definitely do the pic idea it's perfect.

Get every one set ready for pic then just say right every one "I'm pregnant!"

Do not do the calendar!

Original poster
dontsqueezetheteabag · 13/12/2013 14:17

Like I said in my OP. We are going away straight after Xmas for a week with friends. I do not want my immediate family finding out after our friends figure it out at new year. Plus Xmas day is at my house and I would NOT get away with having nothing to drink.

8 weeks is early I know this... However, it's not a "big announcement" it's telling immediate family while we are all together celebrating Christmas.....

Feel a bit like I'm being flamed for this. Shock

OP posts:
PenguinsDontEatStollen · 13/12/2013 14:25

You aren't being flamed, people just want to make sure that, in your excitement, you have thought it through.

And wrapping up pictures, etc is making it a big announcement. That's what a big announcement is - a bit of drama and theatre to the thing. Nothing wrong with that, but quietly telling immediate family would be a slightly different thing.

Have you thought about how you would feel if sadly you miscarried? Having been there, for me personally, I was sooooo glad no one knew I was pregnant. Others feel that being surrounded by people who know and support them is best.

Original poster
dontsqueezetheteabag · 13/12/2013 14:34

Penguins... I think immediate family knowing is fine. I want to tell them rather than them guess.

If I were to miscarry these people are my IMMEDIATE family and I don't see anything wrong with them knowing. My mother is not around and I need as much support as I can get from these people.

OP posts:
starkadder · 13/12/2013 14:38

Certainly didn't mean to make you feel bad - like I say, it's more likely to be fine than not and it is a lovely idea. I am probably more cautious than "normal" people, having had 4 early miscarriages myself. (And 2 lovely happy DC).

SmallBee · 13/12/2013 14:40

Congratulations on your exciting news Grin

We told my in laws by buying my 5 month old niece a T-shirt that said 'my Mummy is going to be an auntie!' and getting them to unwrap it. (DN already has cousins so we couldn't say that)
We told my side of the family on my Nana's 90th, we made her read out her birthday card to everyone in which we'd written that she was going to become a Great Nana. It was great.

(We ended up telling my parents & MiL a few weeks earlier as they were cottoning on to the fact I was really ill. Everyone else we told at 12 weeks.)

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 13/12/2013 14:41

I announced my pg on my wedding day (tiny tiny daytime so really only family and very close friends). Announcing at christmas would be lovely!!

Id just drop it casually in at the table, "ooh DM, wont it be funny next year trying to squeeze a highchair in round this table too?" allow them 15 seconds to get their confused faces on, before you both break out into Cheshire cat grins and everyones penny finally drops.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 13/12/2013 14:44

That is fine teabag. There isn't anything wrong with them knowing and I didn't say that there was, and nor has anyone else I don't think.

All I have tried to point out is that people deal with the grief of miscarriage differently. In my case, I was massively relieved that no one but DH knew. (Then actually my parents in one case as we needed childcare). I, personally, didn't want my siblings, in laws or anyone to know. That is just as normal and valid as your reaction, which is why people were checking how you felt and that you had thought it through.

That is all. We aren't trying to burst your bubble or tell you who you can and can't tell when. But your perspective on this is, understandably, excited pregnancy with first child. And some of the people on this thread come from other perspectives (pregnancy loss, being on the receiving end of announcements which are emotionally difficult, etc) and just want to be sure you've thought from all angles.

MissMedusa · 13/12/2013 14:52

To address the point of whether one can be happy for the couple making the announcement while having trouble conceiving, that isn't the issue. You can be ecstatically happy for the couple but it's a reminder of your own failure. It's your feelings about yourself that are the problem, not those toward the happy couple. This is not really directed at the OP but more in general, I don't think anyone is implying you shouldn't make your announcement but if you know someone who might be having issues, pull them aside and tell them one on one. I had dear friends of ours announce a pregnancy weeks after one of my miscarriages at a big dinner with loads if our friends and while I am so happy for them, at that moment, I was so shocked I burst into tears in front of everyone. It was so embarrassing and most people had no idea that we were having trouble TTC and now every one knows and I hate it.

leolion · 13/12/2013 14:54

I think there are ways of making a joyful announcement, and in my opinion, this isn't one of them. I know this is such special news for you and your family and they will be chuffed to bits for you, however you tell them. I think that you are going way over the top and making Christmas Day completely about you and disregarding how others may feel, for whatever reason.

This is such lovely news and understand you want to share it. I think you're being terrible self indulgent, though. Sorry, but I do.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 13/12/2013 14:57

I think anyone experiencing problems with infertility or pregnancy loss, knows well that others have the right to share their good news and to have you put your best face on when you are told etc, and to feel happy for their good fortune (as their success does not mean less luck to go around for you, and you do want them to be happy). However, I think it makes things needlessly hard to be too theatrical about it - I still can't bear to look at scan pictures (even of my own dcs) as it takes me back to other images and that "sorry" from the sonographer. If someone took my photo after they had just told me I would probably thump them!
It is fantastic news OP, and telling the family should be fun for you both (though I know from mumsnet that future GPs do not always respond quite how you would wish!) but if you have been less successful with pregnancies you gone through a door where no announcement is every fully happy, devoid of any fear. So those of us on the other side are always going to sound like we are raining on your parade, unfortunately.

AHardDaysWrite · 13/12/2013 15:02

I made a big deal out of my first pregnancy announcement. It was an easy pregnancy, no problems we won't talk about the birth and had a lovely healthy baby at the end of it. so when I got pregnant with no2 I was equally blasé and told family early. That pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage which we only found out about at the 12 week scan. Making a big " thing" of the announcement made it all harder as all I could think about was how happy and excited everyone had been. When I got pregnant again DH and I didn't tell anyone until we'd had a healthy 12 week scan and I'm very glad we did it that way. Thankfully we had a healthy baby that time.

Up to you op - I don't want to burst your bubble and believe me I know how exciting this time is - but having been through a pregnancy that went wrong I would always advise people to keep things low-key before 12 weeks.

MerryChristmasyoufilthyanimal · 13/12/2013 15:11

I am quite shocked at some of the responses/suggestions you are getting too dontsqueeze
I understand how everyone is giving their stories but I don't think for a minute that either myself or the OP would consider 'announcing' if we didn't think we knew how families will react.

It will be seen as the furthest thing from 'self indulgent' in my family as this is not only about me and DH - this will be about the whole family and Christmas is about all the family and being together and they will be delighted they all found out together.
I know the GP's will have the reaction we expect - this is the first and much wanted grandchild on both sides - the rest of the family probably want this as much as DH and I!

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 13/12/2013 15:12

The other side of that though, is that you can end up telling family that you were pg but have mc, at the same time. So, no good news just lots of bad. And to be fair 12 weeks is not a magic guarantee of success either. I think you need to tell when you just can't stop yourself, at whatever stage that is.

wavesandsmiles · 13/12/2013 15:12

I blurted out last year that I was (9 weeks) pregnant at the table just as we were clearing up the dishes. I just said "You'll have to work out where we will put the extra seat next year". (DS2 is actually only 4.5 months now so won't be in a high chair but hey ho, that's what fell out of my mouth).

I feel pretty rubbish still because DSis almost immediately went upstairs after with a migraine - she and her DH have been together for AGES and they have done everything properly whilst I'm the one who sneezes and gets pg - this is my third DC, and each time it's been no more than 2 months of TTC.I am worried that she and her DH may want their own DCs but may be having problems (not a random guess, she mentioned something to me about her own potential problems over a decade ago).

Might just have been a coincidence, but I worry that I spoiled my DSis's Christmas day Sad

If I did, karma bit me hard on the bum as I ended up with "D"H leaving, having severe hyperemesis up til giving birth, getting made redundant and generally having a totally shite year.

BUT, to the OP - that was just my experience, it IS such an exciting time and you have to do what feels right for you. I wish I hadn't said anything on Christmas Day itself though.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 13/12/2013 15:37

it sounds like the OP knows what she is doing. but the thread is also useful for a general discussion about announcements.

my DB & DSIL are very wrapped up in themselves. they did not appear to notice me going to the toilet for a long time after their first announcement. when there were only 4 of us at a table.

and they decided to do an even bigger announcement for DC2 at another relative's party. so I go to the toilet for a cry again! and at least three other people at the party were put on the spot by it and it was a fairly small party.

you can be happy for someone else and sad for yourself at the same time.

Sixweekstowait · 13/12/2013 15:53

As a mother with a dd, I would have been very upset to be told at the same time as anyone else , apart from DH. Maybe it's a generation thing, as a friend of mine was told along with everyone else at a family meal and was very upset. We were also phoned first after the birth. I didn't say anything to dd but I guess you knew how I would have felt. The friend btw expected to be told after the other mother with her ds.

Sixweekstowait · 13/12/2013 15:55

She not you knew

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 13/12/2013 16:05

In terms of more general discussion, I'd also say be careful about making announcements on already significant dates.

I had a friend who waited about a week to tell her DH she was pregnant as she wanted to tell him on their anniversary. Sadly that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I think it made their next anniversary extra tough, as the two things were now closely linked to an extent that they wouldn't have been if she hadn't picked that day to tell him. Obviously significant dates after a miscarriage are often hard (thinking, I'd be X month, or the baby would be X now) anyway, but there was now a super tangible link.

fromparistoberlin · 13/12/2013 16:09

congrats OP

you are not being flamed my dear, but this is a forum and for everyone that likes your ides there are some that will think its OTT

you do what you want, and dont get offended

fromparistoberlin · 13/12/2013 16:11

aww waves, I am sorry to read that. I dont even think its karma

just that shitty stuff happens xxx

merryxmasyafilthyanimal · 13/12/2013 16:13

I'm with Leo, sorry. I think it's over the top and so cheesy. Just tell people.

But if your family like that type of thing, go for it.

Mutley77 · 13/12/2013 16:16

Op I don't think anyone is flaming you, just warning you to be careful. What are your family to do with the frames should you sadly miscarry? Maybe a less tangible thing better eg a card saying "dear grandma x" or "dear auntie x" that would still have the desired effect?

merryxmasyafilthyanimal · 13/12/2013 16:17

Also I think the pics in frames are a waste. Is anyone going to actually put them anywhere?

Save them for next Christmas and a pic of your kid in a cute Christmas outfit!

MrsBramleyApple · 13/12/2013 16:42

I lost my ds1 prematurely before Xmas in 1994 my sis had my niece five weeks before so I had a very difficult Christmas that year. I then had to delay trying for a baby as I was having specialist dental work which involved an anaethestic. I was finally allowed to try for a baby in the following October and my late dh and I announced the imminent arrival of DS2 on Christmas Eve a year and two days after DS1 died.
Good luck with your announcement OP!