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Original poster

I agreed to a termination I don't want

52 replies

Thisreallysucks · 24/08/2013 13:58

I have just found out im pregnant and knew my partner didn't want anymore.
I told him and I thought he took it quite well, he said there is worse things in the world that could happen. Nothing else was said.

Yesterday in work he was being a little off with me so I brought it up. He said he wasn't over the moon about it and we would talk later.

We spoke I asked him where he was with things and he said I think you know. Gave his reasons, which are all completely selfish. We won't be able to go away on weekend holidays anymore (we already have a 6 year old) our life was just returning to normal and we have a bit more freedom. And a few more self censored reasons. At no point during all this did he ask me my feelings or opinions.
I stupidly I supose tried to bluff him and said il make an appointment to talk about the options. He said I know its rubbish but we haven't got any other option.

So I've basically agreed to something I don't want to do and know deep down I can't go through with.
I know I need to speak to him today. I'm in such a state crying all eve an this morning. I just don't know what to do.
We have got a nice life the way things are but I just don't see it as a massive problem and he clearly does.

I just don't know what to do now, I will make an appointment to see the GP but deep down I know I can't go through with it. I'm not a maternal person but I just can't do this.

I told him in scared stiff as I don't know much about the procedure.

I found out that's why his last long term relationship ended, she fell pregnant he didnt want to know, she terminated (he said he left her to it as didnt want to be a part of it) then they split up. He did say he would come with me, how good of him.

Sorry for the long post

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 24/08/2013 14:03

Oh God you poor thingSad

You obviously want to keep the baby , please don't get talked into having a termination unless you want one otherwise you'll hands to live with the regret.

Perhaps post in relationships for advice?Thanks

Lj8893 · 24/08/2013 14:03

Oh darling, what a horrible situation to be in.

You haven't agreed to anything, all you have said is you will make an appointment to see a gp to speak about your options.

I think an appointment with your gp won't do any harm, you can explain the situation to them, they may be able to offer you some councilling or support, someone to talk to.

You can then tell him you have had your appointment and have decided you can't go through with it, he then has to decide what he wants to do. Just be strong and be prepared that you may be doing this on your own.

Chin up, be strong.

Rachael200694 · 24/08/2013 14:03

Please do not terminate a pregnancy if that's not what you want. People think a termination only affects you physically but it can do some serious damage mentally.

His decision is not final. You don't have to do what he wants, if you want this baby you have this baby. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to regret terminating a pregnancy, especially when you've already experienced it and know how special it is to have a child!

Make sure you do what's right for you and don't feel pressured into doing anything please! Hope everything turns out ok x

valiumredhead · 24/08/2013 14:04

Why won't you be able to go away on weekend holidays? What does he think everyone else does?Confused

Original poster
Thisreallysucks · 24/08/2013 14:05

SORRY POSTED BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE TO FINISH MY POST

He says he has thought about this long and hard but his reason are stupid, when I say holidays I mean breaks away me and him, we have 2 mini breaks away a year and we could still do that. Our life won't change that much it really won't. We can cope I know it.

I can see his point he doesn't want any more and I do and were kinda stuck unless one of us changes there minds.
If I go to my gp with the reasons he has given I will be laughed outta there.

Honestly I'm pretty sure deep down he won't leave me, but he will resent me like I will him.

BACKGROUND HISTORY
I've never spoken of this as I feel terrible for saying it but when I was pregnant last time we never had the conversation, he didn't want kids then, we just never spoke about it, if we did as I was young scared and in denial I would of properly done what he had wanted. I was scared and shocked for so long I couldn't see what was happening around me, that he wasn't happy about it. At 25 weeks at my midwives app I even asked what the limit was as I had just realised he wasn't happy. But he never said he stuck his head in the sand and that was that. Things between us changed and he distanced himself from me. Things were perfect between us before. We had the baby and we drifted further and further apart.
When she was about 10moths old I found out he was planning on meeting a girl from work for drinks, he had started mentioning her a lot and made his excuses to me for him going out. I confronted him before they met and we drifted along getting further apart. I tried so many times to try and correct things as I was unhappy. 2yrs ago he met someone and a friendship blossomed quickly, I found out whilst he was out with her, he came home and I confronted him. He told me he wasn't happy and left nothing to do with her apperntly. Within a week we were back together, I later found out this was because he slept with her and for some reason he realised what a mistake he made and he did have a good life with me and our daughter. We have worked so hard in building this relationship up and are so happy. Things are great but do I give all this up, I don't know as either way one of us is going to be unhappy.

OP posts:
cafebistro · 24/08/2013 14:06

Be straight with him. If you don't want a termination then don't let him bully you into one. Are you prepared to bring the baby up on your own though?

GetStuffezd · 24/08/2013 14:06

Hi OP,
I am 100% pro choice but, speaking from experience, having a termination is tough enough even when you're sure beyond doubt it's what you want to do.
Please don't be pressured into it if you're not totally certain. YOUR decision is final here.

karatekimmi · 24/08/2013 14:07

Even if you think you've agreed to something, it just reads like you're going to check out your options.

If you DH split from his ex after having an abortion it sounds like you can't guarantee he'll be in your life, so decide what YOU want to do. If you don't feel you can have an abortion, then don't.

Good luck.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/08/2013 14:08

Hi Thisreally

Please, please don't go through with a termination that you aren't 100% sure about it. I had a termination in my past (though different circumstances) and the manner in which I was coerced had left me with huge amounts of guilt. It was almost 14 years ago now and I still hate myself for it. I think about it all the time, it has never, ever left me and I know it never will - as Rachael said, it can cause lots of psychological harm.

You clearly don't want to do it so don't even waste your time going to discuss it with the GP just to please your partner. Tell him that you are not going to terminate, full stop. You have to do what's right for you and the baby that you want. x x x

IJustNeedANap · 24/08/2013 14:09

You poor thing, do you have anyone in RLyou could talk to about this? Sorry I don't have anything helpful to add but don't want to read and run. Please don't do anything you don't want too xxx

valiumredhead · 24/08/2013 14:09

I agree, don't go to the gp to please your partner.

cafebistro · 24/08/2013 14:10

If he is so against having children why hasn't he been sterilised?

Essexgirlupnorth · 24/08/2013 14:11

He sounds like a dick to be honest. Do what is best for you and he either man's up to support you or leaves you. Tell him you have discussed it with the GP and you can't go through with it.

Original poster
Thisreallysucks · 24/08/2013 14:14

I'm going to talk to a good friend tomorrow, as I stupidly rang her with excitement after I'd told my partner and he said there's worst things in the world that could happen. I suppose I took that as a green light and it was ok. I feel like a twonk now as what he actually meant was "we have been through worse things than this" yes your cheating for example!

It's going to be very hard to talk to her as she has a three month old!

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 24/08/2013 14:16

He cheated as well? Personally I'd see this as an opportunity to LTB.

LousThighBurn · 24/08/2013 14:17

I was pressured into having a termination that I didn't want, I cannot say how important it is that you talk to him, you have a big decision to make. Of course it is easy to l

Original poster
Thisreallysucks · 24/08/2013 14:18

I can't go through with it as we are going away soon, by the time I come back I'm going to be 11weeks. I plan on telling him this, tbh I'm might not even bother going to the gp just tell him I have. These things take time it's not going to happen in th timescale we have and he's not going to miss his holiday!

OP posts:
MrsMongoose · 24/08/2013 14:19

I'd keep the baby and lose your cheating H.

I'm sorry this is so hard OP, I can't imagine your situation. I'm sorry I've not been more helpful, but here is a hand to hold. You and your kids are most important here.

LousThighBurn · 24/08/2013 14:20

Look at your situation and see how you could continue afterwards, but making that decision to terminate when it is not something you want can and may have lasting effects, obviously you are only going to see the doctors at the moment, talk about counselling for either outcome as that will be a great help either way. I hope you have family that will support you whichever decision you choose to make.

expatinscotland · 24/08/2013 14:23

He sounds like a real keeper: getting people pregnant and expecting them to terminate (if he doesn't want any more children, he needs to have himself sterilised), cheating and dumping them.

This man's a dickhead.

But aside from that, do not have a termination you do not 100% want!

Don't be bullied into one, either.

FFS, it's all about him, isn't it? He's a selfish arse. That's three children now he 'didn't want' but he can't be bothered to get a vasectomy and then use a condom on top of that? Then stuff him.

You haven't agreed to jack shit.

And he made his decision already when he left birth control to someone else's responsibility.

valiumredhead · 24/08/2013 14:23

I'd be tempted to tell him you are having the baby and that is that. Then leave it up to him to decide wether to leave or not. You already have a child together Ffs.

nickelbabe · 24/08/2013 14:24

sucks - you don't want the termination, that's really clear from your posts.

What's even clearer is that he doesn't seem to want the relationship.
So if you had the termination, and you ended up splitting up anyway 9as happened with his ex), who would you be most angry with? yourself or him?

It's your body, and no one can make this decision for you, nor are they allowed to force you into making a decision.

nickelbabe · 24/08/2013 14:26

and my own personal opinion, which you don't need to take into account, is that I think you, the new baby, and your existing child would be sooooo much happier as a single parent family. He really doesn't sound like a good father, with his history or cheating and being unwilling to discuss important things with you anyway.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 24/08/2013 14:27

I feel for you, and that's before you take this pregnancy into account.

To be honest, if he leaves you over this baby, then this baby will have done you a big favour.

Sorry.

Just tell him that you have no intention of terminating this baby and it's his choice what he does.

It is sad that for some reason you don't feel you are worth more than how he treats you :(

IslaValargeone · 24/08/2013 14:32

Oh God, how awful.
Don't get rid of a baby you clearly want for a man who isn't anywhere near good enough for you.