Wife wants to have baby in home country, 9 hour flight from UK. Any experiences, views?

[manwithquestion]

Hello,

I'm not a mum, but potential dad. We are very early in our first pregnancy. She wants to have baby in her home country, which is 9 hour flight away, because she wants support of her mum and doesn't want to worry about language issues when giving birth. Her English is fine, but since first baby etc... I think she wants to minimise any stress on the day or the build up to giving birth.

I understand that, absolutely I do, I can support that. But I guess I'm worried about missing the birth and not being around for the first few months of DC's life.

Just to explain, I think I can get three weeks off work. The plan would be to fly out a few days before DD, which I guess carries the risk of missing the birth because DC might be early?

On the other hand, if I fly out a few days before DD, and the DC is a week late, then I will only get a few days to bond before I have to fly back to UK for work.

And even if DC arrive exactly on DD, I'll only get a couple of weeks with the baby before I go back to UK. And then I won't see DC for a couple of months until DW and DC and fly back.

What will I miss in these first few months? Will I regret not seeing DC grow in these initial stages? Or will the years and years I'll have with DC after mean these few months won't matter?

I would love to hear experiences and views please. Due date is April 2014.

Thank you very much.

Could you look into getting a doula who also speaks her language? Another option to consider.

I think it is a bit selfish of your wife to do this. Having your first child should be a wonderful time between a husband and wife. You will never get that time back. If she committed to marrying you and moved to the uk then she should accept that her life is here now. If she needs her mum then she should come to the uk, and not speaking English is no excuse as do any of us speak the language of every country we fly to? I know its not quite the same but I moved to the other side of the uk with my husband and were just about to have our first baby and my mum will not be here to help me out and i dont have many friends in this town, not that i would leave with my newborn, but that's one of the sacrifices I made for my marriage.

I wonder if you both have different expectations about what a dad/dh should do at the birth and in the first few weeks? We lived overseas, with very poor medical care. because of the nature of our job, we both came home at 35 weeks and stayed with my mum.

Mum was ace, but I didn't want her to rub my feet, giev me a cuddle of have sex with to try and get ds to arrive

She wasn't at the birth, that was dh and I would have really hated him to miss it, it was an important part of his bonding with ds. I will never forget the look on his face as he sat holding ds while they stitched me up.

And in the middle of the night when I was struggling to move/get up (was very sore) he was the one who jumped out of bed, ran round to moses basket and handed ds to me, and then got a glass of water, held ds when I had to rush to the loo due to rush of lochia (OK TMI !) My mum couldn't have done any of that unless she shared my room.

And he discovered himself as a dad, learned how to handle ds and how to do the basics - nappies, clothes etc. If I had done it all myself until 2/3 months, it would have been hard to him to find his role.

We returned overseas when ds was 8 weeks, but first we went to dhs home country (he is dutch I am English) to visit his family. It took quite a lot of organisation to get birth certificate, baby photos and passport sorted within the 5 weeks. We also had to get visas for ds to return to where we lived overseas. I could not have done this on my own in first 5 weeks, dh handled it all. TBH it was really hard to uproot and move with a small baby, and it would be very tempting to stay on 'for just another week' rather than get sorted and get on the plane. We had to because of work, and so it made us do it.

There is so much more than just the birth to consider. Not an easy decision at all.

sorry for the typos - should proof read [shame]

such a difficult one...What if your wife and baby settle and decide not to come home? one selling point to staying in the UK is her midwives will know her pregnancy history and her reasonably well by the time it comes to give birth..I think flying her mum over is a nice idea or the native speaking doula,
I am sad that staying might be difficult for your wife, but going would be awful for not only your relationship, but your relationship with your baby...imagine her coming back with a three month old, i expect any mother who hadnt seen the father in that long would find it hard to let him help out, she'll know all baby's little ways and I think you may feel very shut out. If you don't have to be apart from your family, don't be. This is your wife's home now, she has chosen you and you need to be a family unit before all else, i think she has probably always imagined giving birth there, so giving birth here is a scary prospect, i would just be really sweet and supportive and say something like 'you're my wife and i need you, i would miss you too much and i want to be part of my baby's first months'
i think your idea of visiting the local units is a good idea, you could also have a meeting to discuss it all with your midwife, i know there are mixed feelings on this but i think watching things like one born every minute together can help too

Hi all,

thanks again for the further comments and opinions.

I don't think DW being selfish. I think she's just worried about the whole thing and would like a more comfortable environment to give birth.

We're still a way from making that decision yet, so we'll see. The doula idea is good though, I may make some enquires.

I definitely want to be around though, so by hook or by crook, I'll find some way!

I'll update everyone when there is anything to update. Thanks everyone again, it's been a real help.

Op, I had friends where dh was canadian and dw american. They were overseas and needed to return to either canada or US for the birth.
For lots of reasons it was more practical to go to canada. But the dw really struggled with that. Not only no mum nearby, but also she didn't get the canadian system (which is more like UK) Little things like in US it is your obstetrician who is present at the birth, the idea of it being just a midwife was shocking for her.
There was no language barrier, but the cultural barrier in the systems was huge for her. I think lots of understanding of the system would help, as well as talking to mums who have been through it.

Hi, don't decide anything so early in pg. We were in the same situation and at the end it was for the best that DH was with me. I got PND and who knows what had happened if we'd be apart for 3 or 4 months. When you pg with your first you think you have to have a master plan for everything eight from the start: where and how to give birth, breast feeding, nursery furniture ... Everything is already sorted in the new mums mind before the end of week 10 and then everything changes twice over again.

Good luck for the pg and at the end, you'll do the right thing for you.

One last thing: even if you love you mum dearly - 4 months can be a long time to spend with someone who was used to run your life anyway plus has more experience with YOU as a baby buy not necessarily with the grandchild.