Wife wants to have baby in home country, 9 hour flight from UK. Any experiences, views?

[manwithquestion]

Hello,

I'm not a mum, but potential dad. We are very early in our first pregnancy. She wants to have baby in her home country, which is 9 hour flight away, because she wants support of her mum and doesn't want to worry about language issues when giving birth. Her English is fine, but since first baby etc... I think she wants to minimise any stress on the day or the build up to giving birth.

I understand that, absolutely I do, I can support that. But I guess I'm worried about missing the birth and not being around for the first few months of DC's life.

Just to explain, I think I can get three weeks off work. The plan would be to fly out a few days before DD, which I guess carries the risk of missing the birth because DC might be early?

On the other hand, if I fly out a few days before DD, and the DC is a week late, then I will only get a few days to bond before I have to fly back to UK for work.

And even if DC arrive exactly on DD, I'll only get a couple of weeks with the baby before I go back to UK. And then I won't see DC for a couple of months until DW and DC and fly back.

What will I miss in these first few months? Will I regret not seeing DC grow in these initial stages? Or will the years and years I'll have with DC after mean these few months won't matter?

I would love to hear experiences and views please. Due date is April 2014.

Thank you very much.

Oh wow. How horrible for you, missing your DC's first months would be awful, and something you'd never eat back. I think your wife is very unreasonable to expect you to be okay with it. However, I can understand your wife's point of view too. Is there any way that you could pay to fly her mother to you for an extended holiday?

get, not eat

Can't MIL come to you? I know that the mother's needs should be prioritised etc blah blah blah but it seems very unfair for you to miss so much of your DC's life. DH would have been devastated if I had done this. My mum came for around 4 weeks (split up and and avoiding most of DH's paternity leave). She was a huge help as she basically ran the house so DH and I could deal with DS. Interestingly, I thought I would want my mum post-birth and I did. But I really wanted my DH too - he was the one who had been at the birth with me and he is DS' other parent

Separately, what country is it proposed that your DW returns to? Would she get care there or would you need to pay privately?

Hmm tricky one. I know quite a few people who have gone back to the uk from abroad to have a baby (we live overseas, Dh works for a company overseas with lots of other British people and it is normal for spouses to do this as the healthcare here is not amazing). It is hard and the dads do find it difficult as they can't take three months off, they can take about a month off and then have to come back. It is a happy day when they welcome their partners and babies back here!

Most spouses stay with family and then bring the baby back at about three/four months old. It is not ideal but they feel more secure doing this rather than having the baby here where the care is not so good and there is more chance of something going wrong. The dads deal with it because they know it is the best thing for their spouses and the babies, even if they end up missing out on a couple of months.

I guess it depends what you wife is more comfortable with as it is is her who will be giving birth. is it just that she wants her mum/family around? Is there any way your wife's mum could come and stay with you for a couple of months rather than your wife go back to her own country? Has she considered that is she gives birth early, you may miss it if you are not with her at that time? Would she be happy with that?

Maybe think together about the pros and cons of each situation before making a decision - each one is hard for someone and neither is 'ideal'. If you do have to miss the first couple of months of your child's life this would be very hard, but if you knew your wife and child were happy and being cared for would you be able to deal with it better rather than her isinglass in the uk alone while you are at work and unhappy?

Good luck!

Most airlines wouldn't let your wife fly after week 34, and then only with medical cert stating that it is a complication free pregnancy.
I don't understand the missing the first few months thing though - is your wife planning on staying in her home country afterwards?

I gave birth in my DH's country, but flew my parents over for before and after the birth. (Only of DC1, not for subsequent pregnancies).

I live in another country and we planned on having a baby here but I just couldn't imagine having a baby here. I couldn't get my head round it all.

When you are living in another country everything is hard. You don't know how to find a dentist or how to tax your car or who to phone when you smell gas.

Sometimes you just want to know how things work and have a bit of control. Or knowledge I suppose it is.

I nearly did this, although the inverse - 10 hour flight back to the UK. In the end I was glad I didn't. It was scary early on in pregnancy, I was totally overwhelmed and really scared about the language. Luckily DH was able to translate for me and going to all the appointments and birth preparation really helped. I wanted to have an independent MW, but they weren't allowed in hospitals, so I just made really sure that on my notes etc it was clear I was an English speaker. Also it helped knowing that most medical professionals speak some English, I don't know whether they're likely to be able to find someone who speaks your wife's language.

As for coping with those first few months on my own without DH, I don't think I could have done it. It was really important to me that he was there and I think it was important to him too.

You would need to check but most airlines only let you fly before 32 weeks.

So if baby is 2 weeks late, that's at least 10 weeks in the country before baby is even born, and at guess stay 6 weeks after if she wants mothers support. 16 weeks min ( 4 months), will that work?

I would think its better to fly family over here as they can fly a lot later on as no restrictions and also you will be around anyway

hmmm

my initial thought on reading the thread title was that your wife should absolutely have the final say in where she gives birth. She NEEDS to be in an environment where she feels comfortable, happy and relaxed

but I think it's incredibly unfair to expect you to miss out on the first couple of months of your baby's life. I think that you, and she, will really really regret you not being there. Babies grow and change SO quickly. also however close she is to her mother she will still want YOU there to share this time with and to see your baby in those early days.

Can you not compromise by having her mum over here for a coiuple of months??

Hi again,

To clear up some of the questions:

Yes, she would fly out at 32-34 weeks, so she'll be gone for final two month leading up to birth as well.

Just from looking on internet, it seems like better to wait 2-3 months before flying with newborn due to recycled air on planes? This is where the few months separation comes from.

In terms of cost, she worked out there for a number of years before we got married and moved to UK, so all the medical costs are subsidised by government. Would probably a few hundred pounds, if nothing serious goes wrong.

The issue with flying her mum over is she speaks no English. I guess she could help around the house, but we might have to end up looking after her too. We also don't live in the biggest house either.

Onelittlepiglet - in your experience, did those dads who deal with it ever regret anything in the end?

SavoyCabbage - this is exactly how she feels now. What did you do in the end? How did DH feel?

This isn't decided yet, we are still talking about what to do. Like I said, we are still very early, but I guess I'm a bit torn still.

NatashaBee - bloody hell, I hope not!

thisisyesterday - Yeah, it's tough. I'd like to be there, obviously. I would feel like I'm missing out, even though I have not proof of it.

i'm not sure her mums lack of english need be a problem though?

she could fly over when baby is due stay for a few weeks and then go back.
in that time she would mostly be at home helping you guys out and being there for your wife.

She won't be allowed to fly after 36 weeks, and I would not recommend anyone to fly long haul before 6 weeks post delivery because of health risks.

Then you need to consider passport/citizenship issues.

If the reason is that she wants her mum with her, it would be much easier all round if her mum came to you.

We didn't have another baby as I felt like I couldn't do it. It's had a big impact on our family and I long for the baby we didn't have.

We are at the point now, almost five years later, where I just can't live here any more and I am going home at the end of this year. Without dh.

I think being a first generation immigrant is very hard.

Hello Manwithquestion,

My husband and I are both English but work overseas and had both our boys outside of the EU. As we're both British then this entitled our children to be too but not our Grandchildren. Our kids will have to marry UK girls or live in the UK for us to have British grandchildren (I will make the worst mother-in-law). As Europe shifts to the right, laws are only going to get tighter. As you say, your wife lives 9 hours away, this'll place you outside of the EU so you better check eligibility to citizenship.

Also, God forbid, you run into any complications but you'll need health insurance which includes maternity cover. In Asia, maternity packages were around 10,000 pounds. It's a very serious consideration.

Cultural considerations too, will you be allowed into the theatre if a C - section is needed? What vaccines will be given at birth? Will those vaccines be imported? ...

How to register a birth whilst overseas etc ...

Congratulations!

• I'd ask granny to visit you (for the sake of your grandkids)

SavoyCabbage - that is so sad.

I think this is completely bizarre, your wife is going to cut out yourself from babies life for 4months, so she can receive help from her mother?! No way would that be happening if I were you, fly the mother over for a few weeks, it's completely daft to do it the other way about, you will have to buy sterilisers for both countries, cots for both countries, everything x two, I just don't get it....

I'm preg with my first and living abroard, I only speak the basics of the local language although most locals tend to speak some English or are at least willing to try. I get where your wife is coming from, in early preg esp I did want to be back in the UK but as time has gone on and I've compared the available care, the practicalities of living in the UK for a few months before and after and being away from my OH it really doesn't seem like a nice option anymore. Also going to the local hopsital, meeting with the midwifes etc has really put my mind at ease during my preg. that and telling my OH his primary role during the birth is to make sure I know whats going on and am informed before anything happens unless it is an absolute emergency - in which case I doubt he'll be informed in detail either beforehand.

Has she really looked at what care and support is availble in the UK, and thought thro the option of having her mum over or getting other help and the reality of 2months pre and at least 2 months post without you?

Though I do get the reluctance to have MIL over to stay as my sisters offered to come here, which I turned down as I think they would make extra work but thats not becasue of language - I don't think washing clothes, washing up, cooking, etc needs language skills - its more because I live in the middle of nowhere and they don't drive so couldn't even get to and from the shop unless I took them.

Hi manwithquestion I am in a similar boat, 33 weeks and we love in Spain (so not a 9 hour flight) and have been torn between going home to the Uk or staying here.

The reasons for giving birth in Spain are the same as your wife's for staying in the Uk, DH would have 2 weeks off work and how would he know when to meet me in the UK, when could we bring the baby home etc.

I am terrified of giving birth here (in Spain) because of the language and the cultural difference (no bedside manner or birth choice) but have decided its more important to have my DH there with me. DH has done a lot to prepare and to make me comfortable, although he isn't allowed to antenatal classes here he has bought DVDs and we watch them together, and has made a birth dictionary which we go through a lot. He also has a standby colleague who is willing to come along as an interpreter whatever time of night she is needed in case DHs Spanish doesn't cut it at the time (mind definitely won't!!) I opted against having my mother with me (even though she is fluent) because I think she'd be a hassle, but she is coming out soon after.

Is there any way you could do similar for your wife? Just make sure you know what her fears are and do all you can to alleviate them?

3littlefrogs, thisisyesterday - it's not just mum, but the language and doing something scary in a place you're not totally comfortable with that is the issue. She's been living in the UK for three years, but there are some many basic things we take for granted that she has no idea about.

SavoyCabbage - I'm very sorry to here that, thank you for sharing. That makes me think letting her go might be better in long run.

BobbyGentry - I hadn't considered citizenship at all. Yes, will be outside EU. Those other things I have no idea about either and will have to check up on. Thanks for highlighting.

The issue with flying her mum over is she speaks no English. I guess she could help around the house, but we might have to end up looking after her too. We also don't live in the biggest house either.

Too bad for MIL re the English. What was she planning to do though? My mum didnt speak to anyone ony behalf (although she's a native English speaker).

Re the size of the house - put MIL in a hotel or services apartment if it's an issue

purplemurple1, Umlauf - Perhaps we'll also come to the same conclusion. Still very early, so haven't investigated options in UK yet. Perhaps casting a wide net and meeting more midwives/seeing more maternity wards will change things again.