Pregnant after anorexia - scared about weight gain!

[FredFlintstonesSister]

I had a very serious eating disorder from ages 19 to 25 and eventually spent 9 months in hospital gaining weight. I thought I was over it and that my weight was reasonably normal until I came off the pill a year ago and my period didn't start. My DH and I really want a baby so I made a huge effort to gain over a stone and am now pregnant.

I absolutely thought I was over the ED by this point. I am now 12 weeks pregnant and the realisation has just hit that not only will I gain weight during pregnancy, something I am resigned to, but I will NEVER LOOK THE SAME AGAIN! Please tell me how stupid I am being. I really want a healthy pregnancy but feel myself becoming hyper critical of myself every time I eat.

I don't know about other people, but I've always had a weight limit that I was ok with. I consider myself over my ED, however if my weight were to go past my self-imposed limit then it would bother me a lot.

I was really worried about how I'd cope through pregnancy, but actually I've been fine because there are still weight limits (lower, average and higher) of how much you're supposed to gain. So I've kept within the new tracks and that has been ok for me.

In terms of my body changing, I do find it hard. I'm scared my DP doesn't find me attractive (to be fair, I look the same but with a massive bump!) and I'm worried about how flabby I'll be post birth. It's not my primary concern in life, but it bothers me. So I know how you're feeling.

OP I lost my little sister to an ED so I really admire you for getting yourself in recovery in the past. It is an immense achievement so remember how strong you must be to have done that. Is there any way you can start to set up a support system now with your local GP/midwife/mental health services so that if/when you do have any wobbles you have some support there at the ready?

Hopefully when your baby starts to kick and wriggle about you will feel more positively about your body. I have had anxiety in my pg but baby moving really helped, just by reminding me what it is all for! Lots of luck to you and any other women moving forward with their lives after an ED. x

Fred - I've had a very stable size and weight for over a decade, and once the initial excitement of getting a pregnancy past 8 weeks wore off I had a total wobbler about sacrificing my body that I have worked hard for in order to bring a little person into the world. Then I realised something: my body is going to change, but I have the choice to look at that negatively or positively - I will have boobs that are less tight, stretch marks, a looser tummy, and a chuff that may or may not be the same ever again... BUT I am choosing to look at these changes as gifts, as proof that my body has achieved something amazing. We will change, but we don't have to label that change as negative.

Hope that helps.

Thanks, I do feel a bit better about my weight today. I also have a lot of anxiety about the pregnancy generally and I'm hoping I calm down a bit after my 12 week scan on Tuesday. Ginger, I am so sorry about your sister. It is a dreadful disease and can be extremely difficult to overcome.

Did you mention your ED when you booked your pregnancy in? I suffer various EDs and was offered the support of a perinatal midwife while pregnant.

I didn't take up the offer straight away but did at about 28weeks when I suffered antenatal depression.

Worth calling your MW and asking.

I was told you never fully 'recover' from an ED, you just kind of go into remission.

I did tell her, yes. I've been very honest about my ED and also some issues with depression and anxiety I've had in the past but there was no offer of help made.

OP I also think it's worth lining up some professional support for yourself so it's there if you need it. I haven't got an ED but have several close friends who have them and do understand the thought patterns. I've also struggled with anxiety myself and received support for that. You are expressing that you are anxious, and pregnancy is a time where you have to accept that you have much less control than you normally do and that lack of control can be quite scary and can aggravate other underlying issues I think. It wouldn't hurt to make sure you have some support in place if you do start to struggle.
Best of luck with your pregnancy, it sounds like you have a really positive approach and are really taking care of yourself and your baby.

As a practical suggestion, maybe go back to your GP, explain what you have explained here and ask for a referral to psych services? A referral can take a few weeks to come through but at least then you are on the system.
If you had a physical problem that was likely to be exacerbated in pregnancy (diabetes for example) you would be referred on to specialist support. I think it should be the same for those of us with underlying MH issues, but things aren't that joined up yet. Maybe you need to be a bit more proactive in joining the dots to ensure you get the care you need.

I get what you're saying quod, but I'm not sure that there is much practical help that would be appropriate at the moment. I'm not underweight and I am eating well and exercising moderately. I live in a small town these days and ED services really just consist of dietary help. I think I was really looking for reassurance that pregnancy does not necessarily change your figure drastically and forever. And who better to ask than people who have experienced it?! I absolutely would seek help if I thought I wasn't able to gain the necessary weight but that isn't the situation thankfully.

Hi

I haven't got time to read the whole thread but I wanted to let you know I was in a similar situation. When I got pg with my daughter in 2009 I was severely bulimic and anorexic, not as bad as you but my BMI was around 16.

For the first few weeks I did find it difficult to come to terms with, but then I realised it is actually an either/or. You either prioritise your baby (and your own bodily needs during pregnancy/breastfeeding) or you prioritise your fears about fat and food. They are not compatible.

The responses saying "oh I was back in my size 6 jeans after a week" or "breastfeeding makes the weight fall off" are not helpful, because what you need to make it work is a complete shift of perspective. I know you were upset by someone upthread sayiing you're not prioritising your baby, because of course you want the best for the baby, but the truth is that you WILL get fat, your body will be out of your control, and it will never be quite the same again, even if you get back to the same weight/size. You have to accept these truths in order to have a happy, successful pregnancy.

Personally having my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me in terms of sorting out my problems with food. After years of being bulimic/compulsive eating/intermittently starving myself, I found that pregnancy and breastfeeding finally gave me peace with my body. I'm not saying I don't get a bit pissed off with my post-pregnancy body (well, I'm now on my second pregnancy, 19 weeks) but it's like, having produced and fed my beautiful daughter , I finally don't hate my body any more. I lost the baby weight healthily and gradually, but not back down to my pre-pregnancy weight - back to a BMI of about 22.

Also, I hope this comes across in the way it's meant, but it does mean you focus on something else - eating disorders are incredibly inward-looking and obsessive, and it means you are focused on something more impmortant than your own weight/size. and for the first time my partner can actually enjoy meals WITH me, without me disappearing to the loo ten times a day, so he is very happy too

Sunny I saw the link you'd posted upthread to "scientific proof you can lose your babyweight within 6 months". Sorry but I think that kind of thing is not helpful at all, and it wasn't helpful for me to make a distinction between "pregnant" and "fat". The fact is that your body will get bigger and change and this is not something you can control, but it is something positive because it means you can have a child.

I remember looking at a forum for eating disorders during pregnancy and the women there were discussing how they couldn't wait to give birth so they could start starving themselves again. That was the point at which I realised I needed to put all of those concerns away if I had any chance of getting through the pregnancy successfully.

OP said "I think I was really looking for reassurance that pregnancy does not necessarily change your figure drastically and forever" - yes, plenty of women are still slim after pregnancy. (Although most of them take longer than 6 months.) But the fact is that it may well change your body forever - you won't be fat but your belly will not be flat and drum-like, you may have stretch marks, you may need stitches, your breasts will expand and then shrink again. All of these things will happen and I think it is counterproductive to say otherwise. the only way forward is acceptance, and embracing of something positive and more important, rather than denial.

My other tip is I explained to midwife that I was recovering from an eating disorder, and so I didn't want to be weighed at all during the pregnancy (after booking appointment) as I would be better not knowing how much I weighted. She said that was fine and they generally don't weigh women during pregnancy any more.

Eccentra, I know you didn't have time to read the thread, which is fair enough, but did you read the OP? My ED was active 10 years ago and my BMI is 21. It is quite possible that I weigh more than some of the people commenting on the thread! I agree that people saying they fitted right back into their pre pregnancy clothed isn't helpful, but the breast feeding thing is just factually accurate! I am an educated person and did already know this! Plus my midwife, who knows about past ED has already used it as her BF "carrot". The reason I have been annoyed at people saying I am not putting my baby first is that I truly don't understand where they are getting this from! I am not engaging in any behaviours that could put my baby at risk, nor do I have an active eatind disorder. Sorry if I sounding I'm getting at you in particular, I'm not. I'm just a little frustrated because I don't seem to be making myself clear.

By the way, my belly is not "drum like" at present and I already have stretch marks from puberty and from regaining the wait in recovery. I'm not expecting to have a perfect body after pregnancy - I don't have one now!

Fred I did not have an ed but did have issues re weight gain. I ate sensibly in pg which was hard admittedly but meant I gained less than 2 stone and had an 8.5 lb baby
Two weeks on I look ok!! Caesarean scar not great but I'm only half a stone up and that includes huge boobs!
I personally did a lot of weighing and this helped me resist foods when pg - reading that I wasn't ballooning was almost my reward for resisting what I wanted to eat iykwim

Thanks, iclaudius. I'm trying to make food choices based on what is nutritious at the moment. Obviously I still eat some crap but am also trying to get as much vitamins and minerals from my food as I can. I'm trying to think of things in terms or health, not calories - so lots of nuts and good fats as well as fruit and veg, protien and whole grain carbs. Obviously if I start craving McDonald's and ice cream thing might go a bit differently but through my past xperience with dietitians etc I am quite good at eating healthily!

Fred even if you haven't suffered an eating disorder in the past, the changes happening to your body are pretty daunting. As someone who just generally ate healthily and exercised regularly, I've found it very hard to accept the fact that my body has changed. Just try and think about what you will get at the end of it - a beautiful baby that will change your life for the better.

As for your body, it may not go back to 100% how it used to be after you have the baby, but it will be your body again, and just think that any changes to your body will always remind you of the wonderful person you created.

Talk to your midwife or GP about your concerns throughout - they're there to reassure you and can provide counselling if they think it might help. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I'm currently on medication while pregnant, and for me, talking openly about it at my appointments has really helped.

Fred yes I did read your OP and all subsequent posts. To be honest, I'm not sure what you're asking is entirely clear - on the one hand you're insistent that you're fully recovered from your ED and that you don't have problems with weight gain, eating nutritious food, and the body changes that come with pregnancy.

On the other hand, you've posted a thread all about how scared you are of weight gain, and seeking reassurance that your body won't change drastically. It doesn't quite fit together - people with no issues around food don't post threads like this and nor are they "hyper critical of themselves every time they eat" - I'm not convinced that you are totally clear about your own feelings, or totally honest with yourself, which is maybe why it's not coming across consistently on this thread.

As for the breastfeeding thing, no it isn't straightforwardly "factually accurate" that bf helps you to lose weight. Yes, it's true for some people, but for many other people, me included, it wasn't the case. Personally I was STARVING when I was breastfeeding and craved high-calorie nutritious food like nuts. I didn't really lose any significant weight until my daughter started solids at 5 months, then lost the rest of it when I stopped bf altogether at 14 months. Anecdotally, among my friends, this is true for many of them too. A close friend lost half a stone in about a week when she stopped breastfeeding.

it's important to be honest about this because if you find that it doesn't do the magic weight loss thing for you, you might start to panic.

With pregnancy and birth, and raising a child for that matter, pretty much nothing is "factually accurate" in a simple way like that. Everyone's different, every pregnancy is different.

P.S. i say all this as someone whose ED has come and gone at different times of my life, I could have 2 or 3 years of eating healthily, then something would go wrong in my life, I'd start losing weight and before I knew it I would be spending half my life with my head down the toilet again, or counting and re-counting the 300 calories I'd had that day. it's great that you have been healthy for so long, but pregnancy and the inevitable weight gain could be a trigger for starting to obsess about food again if you're not careful.

I get what you're saying completely, all I was trying to explain us that although I have hang ups about weight gain, I have experience of gaining weight even when I don't want to. Also, I think some people have got the impression that I am restricting my diet, currently at a low weight or obsessed with my appearance at the expense of my baby. What I have really been looking for, and have received from some people, is reassurance that my fears are unfounded. And
even if the breast feeding doesn't help me lose excess weight, what's the harm in letting me believe it might help if that reduces my anxiety? A lot if my issues are really just about feeling out of control about things. I am also worried about missed miscarriages, still birth, death in childbirth, cot death and many, many other things. I think worrying about what I'm going to look like after I give birth is perhaps a way for me to indulge in an anxiety that feels familiar instead of obsessing about all the other fears.

Fred I worry about all those things too! I think those of us who have suffered ED tend to be people who like to be in control (not just of our bodies, but maybe especially our bodies). pregnancy and being a mum means there are things which are beyond your control.

In a way that's what I'm trying to say about breastfeeding, weight gain, etc. - you may well ping back and find that bf helps you lose weight, but you might not either and I think accepting that is really important.

For what it's worth, for me the anxiety got a lot better after the 20 week scan, and then infinitely better once my daughter was actually born. Yes I still worried about cot death and so on, but you get completely swept up in the reality of a baby (and the demands on your time etc.) and the worries become part of life, not all of life as it can be when you're pregnant.

Now, second time round, I am nervous again about all the same things

Thanks eccentrica, I think things probably will get better as my pregnancy progresses. And I think it is a difficult time, emotionally and in term of body image, for a lot of women not just those of us who have had EDs. I think I just spent a lot of time before I got pregnant making sure I was healthy enough to conceive and making peace with the idea that my body will change during pregnancy but never thought about what my body would be like after .
Then I saw that TV show
and I freaked out. The support I have received here has been truly incredible and has really put things in perspective for me. It's great to know people have had similar experiences and have even had more than one baby! I know it will all be worth it in the end, I just have to stop obsessing about everything.

Hi Fred,

Just wanted to say congratulations in your pregnancy. I've never had an ED but have always been careful about my weight and like to be in control. I think for me, the biggest fear was that pregnancy was such an unknown quantity and I wouldn't have control over my body and weight gain. I'm now 34 weeks and have put on about 1.5 stone (not weighed myself for a while). I have been getting a lot of positive comments about having a 'neat bump' which I have been taking at face value. I can also still get into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes, apart from doing up around the waist, so I know I've not gained a huge amount.

Before I got pregnant I worried that I'd get a 'mumsy' figure and would lose control of my body and what it looks like. In actual fact, as I think someone mentioned upthread, being pregnant (in most cases) doesn't fundamentally change who you are or how you eat.

I watched that 'How Not To Get Old' show as well and it did worry me (as does Embarrassing Bodies quite often!) but as others have said, they do pick out the worst cases for being on TV.

I just wanted to reassure you that pregnancy does mean your body will change, but not that you will lose all control. (And personally I'm hoping breastfeeding will help me shift the weight, even if that is optimistic!)

Piz