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Original poster

Not the reaction I wanted :(

36 replies

Kimmy1986 · 28/04/2013 18:16

So today me and dp went and told both sets of parents that I'm pregnant. My family were absolutely ecstatic, my mum and sister were in tears and my dad even had a wee tear in his eye Smile it was lovely.

Then,we went round to his parents house. Disaster just about covers that. His mum wouldn't even congratulate him, kept going on about when were going to get married, IM BLOODY 27 AND HE'S 30!!!!!!! I think I can make an informed decision about what's important to me! It's not as if it wasn't planned! We have our own house, good jobs etc. I'm so disappointed, I've spent the last 45mins in floods of tears. Sad DP just wanted to walk out and was just sitting there wanting to cry, it was awful. She totally ruined it for his dad too, he looked so happy. Gutted.

Sorry just needed to vent....

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Figgygal · 28/04/2013 18:18

That sounds horrible Hmm

Maybe she will realise how it came across and call to apologise?

How far along are you?

Original poster
Kimmy1986 · 28/04/2013 18:20

I doubt it, she's a really stubborn person. I never thought she would be like this. I'm actually speechless.

I'm only 7weeks. She's put a total downer on my whole day now.

OP posts:
alienbanana · 28/04/2013 18:21

Yep,sounds familiar, except it was my parents who wouldn't shut up about getting married.

The only thing that finally shut them up was my single sister unexpectedly getting pregnant.

alienbanana · 28/04/2013 18:22

Congratulations btw. Christmas baby?

Original poster
Kimmy1986 · 28/04/2013 18:25

And did they soften over time? I can't cope with this until Xmas.

Awww Thankyou, were so happy! Well I'm just under 7weeks, my due date is the 20th dec.

OP posts:
EleanorFarjeon · 28/04/2013 18:27

My parents would have been mortified if any of us had had a child without being married. It's a generational thing, so cut them a tiny bit of slack. It might not be a big deal to you, but for them the marriage aspect could be.

They will get over it and be pleased for you - hopefully!

alienbanana · 28/04/2013 18:28

Oh yes, they don't care/have stopped bothering to ask now Grin all is fine now.I think it was their iinitial reaction, and they're the kind of people that pester about things like this.

Lots of shrugging on my part and they've given up now :)

You're just a couple of weeks behind me btw (dc2 and still not married, heh)

Newtobecomingamum · 28/04/2013 18:31

Congratulations! Don't let anyone spoil this special time for you both! She will come around in time and hopefully apologises for her behaviour! Honestly, just remain focused and excited about the baby, it's the most special time for you both. She is living in the dark ages, lots of people aren't married when they have children! It's up to you when you get married and is no one elses business! Congratulations and enjoy! : ) X x

brettgirl2 · 28/04/2013 18:32

She sounds like a miserable old bag to me. If dp wanted to walk out why didn't he? Tbh I'd be cross with him for not standing up to her.

Original poster
Kimmy1986 · 28/04/2013 18:32

I suppose, I just think it's because I wasn't expecting that at all. Especially because shes only a few years older than my own parents. Hopefully given a bit of time she'll be ok.

I really hope it turns out the same for me, we've haven't said never its just that were happy the way we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimmy1986 · 28/04/2013 18:35

I don't know, we were both just shocked I think and just sat there. He did say that it's wasnt up for discussion and to leave it alone.

Thanks for the support every1, my sister has gone to work now so I can't vent at her, lol. X

OP posts:
Daffodill27 · 28/04/2013 18:40

Aww I'm sorry to hear that.. Do you generally get on with her? When we told my dp mum she said well its early days and she has not mentioned it since! I was furious.. You know it's early days but its not the first thing that should come out of her mouth. How does your dp feel? Mine was pretty gutted. But we've decided who cares aslong as we are happy that's all that matters :)

Original poster
Kimmy1986 · 28/04/2013 18:45

Yeah we get on really well normally. I met my DP because Ive been friends with his sister most of my life.

He's gutted too, more because of how his family reacted compared to mine, and because of how upset I am.

I know that's all that matters, that's what I keep saying.

OP posts:
Corygal · 28/04/2013 18:46

I feel for you, but Thanks , the baby's more important than the reaction of a woman who isn't even your MIL.

It's quite a good sign that she wants you to marry her son tho'... she could have said a lot worse. Prob just generational worries.

diddl · 28/04/2013 18:49

Well she won't be interested in seeing the baby then, will she...?

Miserable cow!

And can we stop with the generation thing-if 1986 is OP's birth year-then I'm at nearly 50 probably that generation!

I'd prefer my children to marry first-they know that-but that's all it is-a preference of mine!

My older sibling has a child & has never married & all the parents-equivalent to OP's GPs(?) coped with it!

Daffodill27 · 28/04/2013 18:51

I think she will have a think how she reacted and hopefully his dad will say something to her and hopefully you will get an apology.. Congratulations on your pregnancy I'm 9 weeks so expecting a December baby too and guess what we arnt married either! :)

pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2013 18:54

Congratulations Thanks Smile

I had simular when pregnant with dd2, pil weren't impressed and where more interested in the fact we would have to move out and didn't want us to leave and went on and on about how we weren't married.
Just ignore it will pass and they will get excited once baby is here!

Limelight · 28/04/2013 18:58

Oh dear! Ignore her and try to move past it. Sometimes people react in ways they don't expect.

My lovely jovial supportive wonderful DM said 'am I supposed to take this seriously?' and then refused to talk about it when I announced I was getting married for example. I was 27 - it wasn't crazy! She really regretted it when I went ahead and started to plan my wedding and bought a dress without her. Now i think she just finds the whole thing slightly mortifying.

If you've got a history if getting on we'll, give her time and the benefit if the doubt.

Fairy130389 · 28/04/2013 19:04

Ah, that's a shame, I'm sure she will come around - some people are just different about the way they feel about things. My MIL (and we ARE married) STILL told us it was too soon, 'early days anyway so don't get excited' and the other day told me that she 'didn't have anything to look forward to these days' I pointed out that she would have her first grandson in less than 7 weeks but was greeted with 'well I can't get excited about something like that, that's happening to you, not me'.

She was the same when we got married and I've just learnt now not to worry about it. She will love the baby when he's here, in her own special sour way and has bought us the cot furnature so is obviously vaguely happy about it but honestly to look at her you would never know!

She will come around and I promise will love the baby.
Big BIG congratulations, what an amazing Christmas present!! xx

DontmindifIdo · 28/04/2013 19:07

You might want to think that this has more to do with her disaproving of her DS than you or not wanting to be a grandmother - she might well be upset he's not marrying you because he's "not doing right by you" (there's other threads going about the legal implications of not being married, she might well be aware of the importance, particularly for a generation of woman who either didn't work, or didn't have jobs that paid anywhere near as much as their DH). She may well have raised him to believe that marriage is important for a nice man to do because it protects the mother of his child financially and she's disappointed in him, because she sees marriage as something she'd expect him to offer, and expect you to want, when there's a baby on the way - and she's clumsily trying to be on your side...

It might well need to be that you make it clear that you are happy not to get married and are aware of the legal implications of not being, not that you want to be married and her son won't marry you.

Your parents probably have a better idea of your independence, your personal financial situation, that you were at the stage to plan a baby.

She might well be a great and overexcited grandmother when it happens!

everythinghippie29 · 28/04/2013 19:17

Same dates as me and same age for both DP and I! December babies! woo. I've been quite poorly so I've gone from excited to miserable fairly frequently. Was terrified of telling dp's parents but they (luckily) have been very excited, I don't think they expected grandkids. Initial reaction was met with shocked silence and oddest response was from my dad, had to tell them over the phone because they live far away and he said "Oh puddin', what are you like?" I was instantly upset but now it makes me giggle, shock can make people speak before they think. I'm sure as you go further along her grandmummy excitement will take over any dated notion or expectations and hopefully she will apologise/ attempt to make it up to to you. Be excited and happy, realistically the only real feelings towards this news that count are yours and dp's. CONGRATULATIONS MUMMY! Grin

WeAreSix · 28/04/2013 19:28

Reminds me of my MIL... 1st pregnancy she asked if it was good news, even though she knew we'd lost 2 pregnancies and we were TTCing.
2nd pregnancy she made some comment about tying a knot in it now Hmm
3rd she said we were barmy, we'd have to have 4 because you can't have an odd number. That was infront of my mum and I'm one of three. DM is one of five :)
4th she just went silent. Being prepared for her negative reaction, I quipped that we'd done it for her as she was so insistent after DC3 that we should have 4. She denied ever saying it.
Not once did anyone from DHs side of the family say congratulations!

Kelly1814 · 28/04/2013 19:29

So sorry to hear you are going through this, people can be so insensitive.

I am almost 17 weeks and STILL haven't told my parents yet as am terrified of their reaction (have posted previously and had some great advice from lovely people here).

My in laws reacted well and are by supportive, so if my parents do react badly as I suspect they will, at least I have one set on side!

Monka · 28/04/2013 20:33

My MIL was overjoyed when we told her but did spend the first five minutes checking we weren't joking (as if we would joke about being pregnant). We waited ages before we tried and was lucky to get pregnant straight away but I think my inlaws family had privately concluded we couldn't have children because we waited so long after we got married. My BIL was in shock and kept saying it was early days. My other BIL and his wife were similarly shocked and subdued - they all have children by the way. I think they thought we were infertile and that when we announced the pregnancy they didn't know how to handle it.

People at work not the team I am in at the moment all think I have had IVF.

My own extended family thought I had miscarriages or couldn't get pregnant as well.

And all this even though we were very open saying we weren't trying and weren't sure we wanted children. My parents divorced when i was younger and I always wanted to be sure my marriage was good and that I would want the child. I helped raise my much younger siblings when I was a teenager so knew how much responsibility was involved. People's reactions are funny at times but try not to let them bother you.

Congratulations on your good news!

Jenjen85 · 28/04/2013 21:50

Congratulations!!!

Just ignore your MIL!! When me an DH told my parents they were over the moon like yours were but when we went to tell my DHs parents they seemed less pleased (altho PIL did shed a slight tear) but MIL asked DH (away from my ear shot) if it was planned and if he was happy. If she had said that an I'd have heard her then I would have had to say something to her (only found out she had said that later). My view is it's no one else's business but yours an your DPs. Our pregnancy was planned and were married but she still had something to say.

Try an not let it bother you (I know it's easier said than done tho) I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and to be honest I still don't feel that MIL is that interested in the pregnancy but maybe it's because this will be her 3rd grandchild?!? Just enjoy your pregnancy Smile

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