Help who may the dad be

[leigh1991]

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and i made a stupid mistake drunk and had a 1 night stand early hours on the 27 th march this year i found out this month april 11th i was 3+ weeks pregnant so am not sure hu the dad is if i was pregnant to the one night stand shouldn't the test say 2 weeks as 27 th to the 11 april is not more than 3 weeks plus i did take the morning after pill the day after i had a one night stand on the 28 th of march , but i still not 100 percent its just crazy how all year av been with my fella and march i get pregnant and had a one night stand , i calculated my last period which was the 4 th march so i used a due date calculator and it showed days where i was fertile and he day i may of conceived and it showed dates before the 27 th (one night stand) It said i conceived around the 18 th so i may already of been pregnant before the 27 th i am so scares and worried but when i took the clear blue the test said i was to far gone for it to have been the 27 th march ?????

The problem with lies is that they just keep on getting bigger,just like your bump will. The longer you keep it a secret the more it will eat you up inside. And sooner or later you probably will throw the classic "the baby's not even yours!" line at ur bf in a row...and that is going to create a whole new world of rows and put doubt in his mind and depending on your emotional state at the time you may even break down and tell him the truth that the child may indeed not be his,and that's not fair on your bf,the child,family members...especially if he then demands a dna test and it comes back that he's not the dad. He and his family would of spent weeks,months,perhaps years,bonding with the child and bringing it up only to have their world ripped apart,all because you refused to come clean and tell the truth (which he and his family have the right to know!!) At the start of the pregnancy and you decided to just bury your head in the sand and just convince yourself bf is the daddy.

Just an after thought...what are you going to do if you have a scan and the dates work out that you fell pregnant around the 27th? Would you tell your bf you cheated and he might not be the dad then or will you continue to lie to him? All us mummies know scan dates aren't reliable,change everytime and are not to be trusted with regards to working out conception dates but seeing as you seem determined to base your decision about coming clean on a scan then I think the question needs to be asked.

You may not want to be lectured over and over again but from the sound of it,you certainly need to be as your approach towards this whole mess is very immature and naïve,especially given how massive and life changing the situation is,and your best friend certainly isn't helping matters if she's telling you to keep quiet and to rely on scan dates! A TRUE friend (and anyone with morals and common sense!) will tell you to come clean to your bf asap!

You poor girl. :( I don't know the situation with ur boyfriend but I agree with everyone saying you need to be honest, it was a stupid mistake but no one is perfect and we all make them, you may be surprised, your bf may not be as bad as you think. My little girl was conceived by a one night stand with my best friend of 8 years, I was considering a termination but she is now 7 months on and I have never felt love like it. Her dad takes nothing to do with her either. Seek professional advice darling. I hope your ok xx

Leigh everyone makes mistakes, it's how we deal with those mistakes that define us.
I agree that you should tell your bf. You will make yourself ill with worry if you don't, get some professional advice especially as you said you were down already. Take care and good luck xx

go for a private early scan, it owld cost about fifty pounds, but the dates should be very accurate

"go for a private early scan, it owld cost about fifty pounds, but the dates should be very accurate"

This sounds like a good idea.

It still won't be accurate enough to determine the child's paternity beyond all doubt.

This isn't just about the OP, but about her boyfriend, the ONS and his family and most of all, the pregnancy she is carrying.

OP, if you were your BF, would you want to know the truth? Would you want to know for certain who your biological parents are, as a person?

YY, we all make mistakes, but I agree with the person who said it's how we deal with them that defines us as people.

And you'd be surprised how the truth can come out. My eldest needed a stem cell transplant when she was 8, and so the entire family had to be tested to see if they were a match for her: her father, me, her two siblings.

About 10% of the time, it is determined that the one who was believed to be the biological father is not so.

Imagine that set of circumstances. Yikes!

A friend of mine got pregnant in very similar circumstances. She told her BF she might be pregnant by a one night stand.He left. Turns out the baby was his, but the damage was done, they never got back together.

Another couple who are friends of mine have been together nearly 20 years and have 3 kids. When they were in their early 20s, she slept with another friend of ours when totally drunk out of her mind. She never told her DH. If she had, he would have left. She was absolutely devastated at her own betrayal, she isn't a serial cheater, she was very drunk and made a stupid mistake. He doesn't know to this day - if he did he would have left and they wouldn't have the beautiful kids and great life together they have now.

Sometimes, keeping quiet is for the best I think, especially if it was a one off and lesson learnt.

In the OP's situation I wouldn't tell at this point. I would try to find out who's it was, and if it's the BF's then no need to say anything IMO. Only if it still looks like it's possibly the OM's then the BF needs to know it's not his.

So public, you would be okay with bringing up a child that is potentially not yours not from your own choice but because you were lied to? You think that's okay to do to someone?

As a person, you be okay with your parent having lied to you about potentially half your heritage and even your half-siblings?

'I would try to find out who's it was,'

You cannot do that without a DNA test.

I'm really stunned that any intelligent woman would advise Leigh to keep quiet about all of this. It's terrible.

If i was to become a step-parent, that's a choice i should make by myself, not have my partner force it on me.

If i had to spend 18+ years making sacrifices, providing for and forming a bond with a child, I would deserve to know all the facts first.

If my partner had cheated on me, and continued to have sex with me (potentially giving me a life-limiting disease), i'd deserve to know asap in order to get myself checked out.

I'd deserve to know that i had been cheated on. I'd deserve to make my own mind up whether i wanted to spend any more of my life with someone who had betrayed me.

Like someone else said upthread, would you be happy for your husband/partner to go and have a one night stand with someone and father a child behind your back?

That poor man. He is about to become a parent. He is about to sacrifice so much to bring this child up, being led to believe it is his son/daughter.

I agree with what several others have said. The truth will come out later if not now. And that poor man's life - and the child's - will be shattered. Imagine forming such a close bond with a child you think is yours, only to find out you're not in any way related to it.

Leigh, you have to just suck it up and be brave. How can you genuinely be happy with the rest of your life with this massive bombshell niggling at you, waiting to be dropped at any second?

What happens if you give birth and the child has some sort of disease/disability? Doctors will want to know the maternal/paternal family medical history.

You have to tell him. You owe him and the child. Also there's now three of you (you, best friend and one night stand) who know there's a chance your child is not your boyfriend's. That means the chance of someone mentioning it at some point before all of you are dead is far too high to leave it.

As for who to talk to, your GP is a good start if you haven't been referred to a midwife yet.

34DD I reread publicservice's post because I hadn't taken what you did from it, and I'm still pretty sure that she didn't have the other man's child.

Anyway, its too late, her friend knows, it sounds like the one night stand is someone she knows (well enough to know his family situation) so will know she's pregnant, so she's relying on those two people never being pissed off/drunk/feeling like her OH/child is owed the truth and bringing it up and lives will be wrecked. Better that its done calmly now than in anger in 10 years time.

It is immoral to not tell, but its too late to keep it secret even if the OP doesn't care about the morality of the issue.

I still cannot get over the fact that people are advising the op to not say a thing. That is really, really shocking behaviour from people I presume are adults.
You fuck up you do the right thing and you confess. No if, buts or maybes. You deal with the outcome whatever it might be. He might leave, he might stay. But there are no guarantees that the relationship would last anyway.

You do NOT decide for other people that they will raise another persons child.
You do NOT decide for other people that they are denied the chance to have a relationship with their own family.

FFs. Listen to yourselves will you. It is morally and legally wrong to do what you are advising the op.
You cannot get a man to financially support a child that is not his without his knowledge. A step parent takes on that responsibility knowingly. They are not duped into thinking the child is their own.

You cannot knowingly put a false name on the child's BC.
The op is in doubt about paternity. She puts her bf on knowing this, it is an offense.

exactly ihearsounds
OP grow some balls

Hold on a minute! Perhaps I wasn't very clear in my post?!

I agree absolutely that it's beyond the pale to trick someone into parenting a child who is not theirs; I certainly wasn't advising the OP to do this. That would be a terrible idea!

34DD in particular, I do not know someone who has passed off an OM's child as their partner's. If you reread my post you will see this I think? (I was talking about 2 different friends, perhaps that led to confusion?)

expatinscotland "'I would try to find out who's it was,' You cannot do that without a DNA test."

Not necessarily true - she may be able to do this if she gets an early scan and it confirms a date which makes it impossible for the OM to be the father. If she can confirm this then I do think not mentioning a one off one night stand could be for the best, if it genuinely was a one-off fuck-up, not part of a general pattern of behaviour.

However if there's any possibility it could be the OM's she needs to tell the BF, of course.

Publicservice - that's just it, though. And it's what so many of us are saying. The scan - any scan - will not be 100% accurate. Several people have said they've had multiple scans during pregnancies, all giving different dates.

The only way to be 100% sure is via a DNA test once the baby is born. With something as important as a child's paternity, you can't take any chances or rely on mere guesswork.

I had very early scans with my first pregnancy as I had bleeding, so scans weekly from 4-7 weeks and they differed lots so I don't think they are very reliable. Plus some pregnancies implant on day 4 others on day 11 so that will vary the scan. Given the two men were so close in terms of days nothing will be accurate enough to confirm one way or another.

To continue from above, I used ovulation tests with both my dc so knew exactly when I conceived - both times day 15 of my cycle. With my first pregnancy, I got a positive result 3 days before my period was due compared to my second which was over a week late. Therefore they had huge differences in when they had implanted. So even though my conception date was right, the scans were very different even when referred to the same time scales if that makes sense?

Scans won't tell you the date of conception. They can have a guess just like sticking your sticking your wet finger up in the air to see which way the wind is blowing at any given minute though.

And I speak as someone who was given multiple dates from scans throughout pg, and then given an ELCS for a giant baby expected to be 10lb 9oz.

She was 8lb 6oz. Do I trust the scientific accuracy of any scan?

Do I feck.

A DNA test is the only way she will know for sure.