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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Your chance to tell a person who wouldn't give up their seat on the tube for a heavily pregnant woman what you think of them.

57 replies

dizietsma · 04/05/2006 14:52

On another message board I frequent, someone has posted a thread about how they wouldn't give up their seat on the tube for a heavily pregnant woman because she "chose" her disability and is therefore somehow less deserving of consideration.

I'm going to link this thread to the other and let this person see for themselves how pregnant women feel about such (IMO) nasty attitudes. Lets try to keep it civil, eh? I think this person needs to know about how disabling late pregnancy is, not just how unacceptable an attitude this is.

Below is the full text of the initial post.

"Just received this in email entitled “a heartwarming tale” and provoked a wee discussion in the office about tube etiquette.

sadly not ours, but a fine example is set for us all to follow.

"My friend Connie, who continued working in a Manhattan summer right up to the birth of her first childwas standing on the subway from Brooklyn and began to feel faint. She asked a respectable looking young man if she could possibly have his seat. He ignored her. She asked again. He rustled his Wall Street Journal, crossly.

Finally a boy, aged about 10, marched up the man and announced: "You heard the lady. She's pregnant. She needs to siddown. Now move!"

Even then he sat still, whereupon the boy began to kick his shins. "I said move, mother**er!" he remarked, and the man finally stumbled off down the carriage noisily threatening to sue. Connie says it was a very satisfying moment.

How did "Connie" knowing the man wasn't deaf or was injured in some way that required him to sit. Does the fact that she chose to work “right up to the birth” mean she’s entitled to harangue all and sundry for a seat?

AFAIC, you choose pregnancy and can't expect everyone to dance around you like handmaidens facilitating your life choice. Fair enough, I’ve given my seat up in the past, but sometimes I just don’t want to and evidently other people don’t too – is this why she was asking? And if she had to ask presumably it had happened before. If the little darling is so important why go on the tube at all.

I’m disinclined to stand up for pregnant women since in the words of Jimmy Carr, I’d prefer to see a pregnant woman standing than a fat woman in tears.

Do you always give up your seat? Always offer? Who to? Old people, pregnant people, disabled people?"

OP posts:
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misdee · 04/05/2006 15:01

hmmm. i have travelled with my ill dh in rush hour to get to guys for a fetal cardiac scan when i was pregnant. if it had been crowded and only one seat available i would've insisted he sat down and not me. he looked fine, and to some people it would've looked odd. but to me it seems sensible. my dh has a life threatening heart condition. i was pregnant and feeling ok.

lazycow · 04/05/2006 15:23

But surely in this case the woman felt faint and asked for a seat. Pregnant or not if someone asked me for a seat because they are feeling ill I'd give it to them. Surely that is the point.

PinkKerPlink · 04/05/2006 15:26

I sat on someones lap the last time i was on, on accident Blush

alex8 · 04/05/2006 15:27

Women do mostly choose to get pregnant but so did their mothers. Surely they would have liked someone to get up for them.

bundle · 04/05/2006 15:27

I asked someone to stand up for a pg woman on the tube the other day: someone else sat down in their seat Shock until i pointed out their error...Smile

mythumbelinas · 04/05/2006 15:31

I was still working while i was pregnant and had asked to take maternity leave 2 wks b4 my due date hoping to just get on with things.
I was never offered a seat by a man, only women .. and i certainly looked pg as i was still a size 8-10 but with a big sticking out, firm belly. It was also may/june so i was wearing clingy dresses, no jackets.
I was having heartburn and leg cramps at night and with the big bump found it increasingly difficult to sleep.
One night i had a particularly bad nights sleep, then had to commute to work which takes over an hour in packed tubes. I got pushed and squashed in again by others wanting to cram even more, trying to tell them to stop pushing me and trying to protect my belly. Then, like a sardine, a man kept stroking my leg .. and it made me upset and mad!
When i got to work, a colleague asked me how i was and i just burst into tears and couldn't stop! The admin woman spoke to my boss and he said i should just take maternity leave, go home and rest from that day on. I'm lucky my boss was so nice and sympathetic.
I have a blood condition too and find standing uncomfortable, but i will always offer my seat to the elderly, disabled and pregnant women. Some people are just so selfish and inconsiderate .. what can you do?!!!

batters · 04/05/2006 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 04/05/2006 15:53

Not having had a single person give up their seat to me so far, I have reasoned that those who noticed but chose to ignore were more in need of that seat than I - clearly I was not the only one carrying a bit of extra weight.

sfxmum · 04/05/2006 15:53

i never minded much about not being offered a seat, i did have a confortable and easy pregnancy. however there were days when i was quite tired and wished someone did, i remember a man offered a seat on a tube once and about 5x women did.

my worst public transport experience was on a crowded bus,7.5 months along, i was getting on and moving along trying to get past a couple of people standing to reach the roomier part of the bus, one woman sitting objected loudly to my belly being on her face as i walked past, put her hands on bump and pushed meAngryShocki was livid!

kama · 04/05/2006 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dizietsma · 04/05/2006 17:36

I really suffered with SPD in the later stages and even sitting was pretty damned uncomfortable, never mind standing.

When I was about 8 months I remember getting onto a crowded bus and being pushed aside as a businesswoman took the seat I was about to sit in. I just smiled beningnly at her for the journey and she shamefacedly avoided my gaze the whole way. Whilst it was painful, it was also pretty funny.

It's my opinion that if anyone needs a seat enough to ask for it and you're not also disabled then manners dictate you should gracefully give it up.

SFX- what a horrid woman! I find it kind of disturbing how hostile some people can be to pregnant women, as alex said, surely no-one would've wished their own mother to be badly treated whilst she were carrying them? Why can't we extend that courtesy to every pregnant woman?

OP posts:
lockets · 04/05/2006 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 04/05/2006 18:30

i wouldn't offer my seat becuase its uncomfortable for the person concerned. i would offer my seat becuase it is good manners.

good manners.

alison222 · 04/05/2006 18:44

I used to avoid the tube when possible when I was pregnant and went to work on the train and bus for preference. I was frequently offered seats although not always, and probably more by women than men. I have to say my bump could not have been just "a fat woman" and it was very obvious towards the end. I found that I stood when it was so crowded the people in the seats couldn't see to offer a seat anyway.
I was fine through my pregnancy though.
I did however seee a pregnant women faint on the bus while she was sitting down as she had a problem with her blood pressure - so you never know if a pregant woman is well or not and personally I would get up for one. I can stand easily they may not be able to

LeahE · 04/05/2006 18:56

It's good manners to give a seat to someone who needs it more than you. I'm interested to know whether the OP, if faced with someone on crutches on the tube, will want the full details of how they got that way so that he can decide whether it counts as a "life choice" or an accident (did they look both ways before crossing the road?) Does he want a report on the lifetime smoking, dietary and exercise choices of an older person (have they "chosen" to put themselves in a state of frailty or ill health? After all, some 94-year olds can run marathons). I'm guessing not. Because it's not about that -- it's not some great moral competition, it's about whose need is greater.

Sounds to me as though he's hit the nail square on the head with the "sometimes I just don't want to" and the rest of his post is an attempt to excuse his attitude as being something other than simple self-centredness and bad manners.

Mind you, it is also totally unacceptable (and not in the least "heartwarming") for a 10-year-old boy (or anyone else) to behave as described in the original post (although that sounds rather made-up to me).

NotQuiteCockney · 04/05/2006 18:57

I generally didn't get offered a seat when pregnant, but then, I'm a reasonably big girl, so my pregnancy wasn't that obvious. Fact is, anyway, most people aren't paying attention.

A few times, DH did ask people to give up a seat for me. But he was always careful to ask a few people at a time, rather than just one individual. As misdee points out, someone can look perfectly healthy and be really quite ill - if you ask just one person, you might accidentally embarass someone who really does need the seat.

cataloguequeen · 04/05/2006 19:13

Ffs what is wrong with people???...I always give up my seat to the pregnant,old or disabled.. whats the problem you are fit and healthy!!are you so up your own bottom that you can't see that it's the right and polite thing to do??Angry

Btw when I was pregnant and traveling people did give up their seats...even I gave up my seat for a guy who had a broken leg!!Smile

fuzzywuzzy · 04/05/2006 19:16

I did get offered seat many times when pg, which I found really sweet. The op is right people don't have to give up their seat, but it really surprised and touched me when people did.

On the flip side, I was once sat on the tube going home from work, when a heavily pregnant woman got on, she stuck her stomach in my face and kept sighing as I didn't offer her my seat.
However I was also pg albeit only 12 weeks but I felt incredibly ill, and dizzy....... But she had no way of knowing this. I couldn't articulate it to her either, as I was concentrating on not throwing up and telling my self I was almost home...the longest tube journey of my life.

PeachyClair · 04/05/2006 19:21

I would ALWAYS offer and it's disrespectful not to. Being PG isn't a disability, but it doea make you more prone to back problems / etc so it's only fair one should offer a seat.

That being said, I wouldn't condone my 10 year old (if I ahd one) kicking anybody

I would also offer mys eat to a pG woman because if the bus jolts and she falls over, the consequences could be far worse for her than me

I remember being 38 weeks PG with ds1, resting at home with pre-eclampsia in between admissions, and a chap delivering a new freezer shouting at me to 'bloody help me carry it then'

bizarre

Blandmum · 04/05/2006 19:27

When I was two weeks before my due bate I was huge. I had the most awful fluid retention and it was very uncomfortable to stand. I didn't have a car at the time and so I used to go to the hospital for check ups by bus....two buses in fact. It was bloody hard work.

One my way home I had a seat and a very frail and elderly lady got on the bus, which was full. I waited for one of the numerous , able bodied, non PG people to give up a seat, and they didn't. So I stood up, and she thankfuly took the seat. At which point I said, 'How awful that it took a PG woman to stand up for you'......she loudly agreed, at some lenght! Grin

And which point shame faced people stood for me.

As custy said, it is basic good manners

Pfer · 04/05/2006 20:10

Sadly I found an awful lot of people to be down right mean. At work they found it funny to take away the seating that Health & Safety had allocated to me, claimed they didn't know where it was. Twats. Still I went to see if I could get another one, was told no as they were all in use, so I went home for the rest of the week on full pay! Ha!

Got elbowed by strangers in doorways, shoved out of the way as well, was never offered a seat.

Odd thing is, when I was 3 days overdue with DS1 I was still offering my seat up for other people, pensioners etc, and offering to help carry their bags and stuff.

I think some people are just 'nicer' than others.

edam · 04/05/2006 20:31

The initial post that dizi quoted is just some very selfish ill mannered person trying to justify their poor behaviour. I bet their mother would be ashamed of them if she read the post.

Does anyone remember the news story last year about the poor woman who was shoved badly by a fellow passenger on a commuter train into London (South West trains)? The violent push caused her to have a miscarriage. If someone had given her a seat, that baby would be alive today.

As others have said, it's common courtesy to give up your seat to someone who needs it more than you; whether that person is pregnant, elderly, disabled, carrying a small child or just feeling ill. Think it's very sad that this even has to be debated. Whatever happened to good manners?

PeachyClair · 04/05/2006 20:34

Actually I remember being elbowed by someone in the rush to a loo whilst taking my sis to a wedding afyre at 8 months pg

Like other poeple said tho, some people are just rude.

Rhubarb · 04/05/2006 20:41

I'd never ask anyone to give up their seat for me but then I've never had to, people in the North of England are generally a lot friendlier! I have given up my seat lots of times to elderly people, pregnant women and women with small children.

What goes around comes around. Maybe one day this person will need the help of a stranger and it won't be forthcoming.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 04/05/2006 20:47

I got on the bus the other day (I'm not pg and I'm not fat enough to look it, neither am I old, nor with walking stick etc etc) and a lovely young lad asked me if I'd like to sit down! I wanted to give him a hug I was so impressed and phone his parents up and tell them what a polite, well-brought up boy they had. It made my day, it really did. Those who don;t like giving up their seats should think about this: being polite and considerate isn't just in the interests of the person you extend it to. It benefits you as well, people smile at you, they say thanks, you might even have a wee chat, and everyone feels that the world's not so bad after all. That's dangerously soppy but it is true. Those of us who have learned this will carry on giving up seats and will enjoy it. Those who don;t will be excluded from the club and surround themselves with miserable vibes. more fool you.

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