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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Fed up with labour horror stories

55 replies

scaredbutexcited · 15/01/2013 10:02

It is starting to feel like the whenever someone sees you are pregnant, after the initial congratulations they go on to tell you how awful/painful/terrifying their labour experience was.

Why do women do this to each other?!

It doesn't even seem to be just close friends and family. I bought a pregnancy magazine in the gargage last night and the lady behind the counter had to tell me how she had nearly bled to death following her last labour!

It almost seems competitive. When you are in a group and one person starts with the stories, everyone else seems to say theirs was more painful/gruesome etc.

How can this kind of thing be (politely) stopped?

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TwitchyTail · 15/01/2013 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TomHardysPinky · 15/01/2013 10:11

I had 4 lovely labours, all under 8 hours, the last was about 40 minutes. Last 3 at home, no complications.

Its not all doom and gloom.

But people are more likely to talk about their negative experiences.

And In magazines 'Amy had a lovely birth' doesn't really make much of a story so they go for the dramatic... which is sadly usually negative :(

Pootles2010 · 15/01/2013 10:11

I think its because they're struggling to deal with it, and probably could do with counselling or similar. I'd go with something like Twitchy suggests - move on from it in a jokey way.

sleepyhead · 15/01/2013 10:15

Also though, sometimes if someone has had a very bad experience then they really need to talk about it. They may feel that everyone around them has had only good experiences - they may feel that they want to balance this and "warn" people that things don't always go to plan.

Mostly the feelings fade as time passes, but if someone has had a truly awful time then they might not.

Doesn't make it more likely to happen to you, doesn't make it right or kind for them to tell you, and yes I suspect there is an element of competitiveness there for some people (some people just like telling scary stories).

I was told off by my mum less than 24hrs after ds was born for telling my childless friend about it (and I didn't have a very bad time - it was just very fresh in my mind!). I did feel very ffs, if I can't talk about this major thing that's happened to my body then what can I talk about!

Anyway, the memory has completely faded now, so hand on heart I can say to you that childbirth was absolutely fine . So fine, that I'm going through it again in another 3 months...

Overreactionoftheweek · 15/01/2013 10:17

I won't share mine then! My reasoning for telling people is that I want them to know it's hard and painful but you will get through it and it's totally worth it.

In a group, I found it very reassuring to hear that other women also found it tough, made me feel less pathetic. I felt a like a failure after mine and I don't want anyone else to feel that way if my story could possibly help.

I think we put way too much emphasis on labour anyway. Relatively, it's a tiny part of your parenthood...there should be loads more about the early days of having a baby.

sleepyhead · 15/01/2013 10:17

There's also that conundrum that people don't want to hear the bad stuff in advance, but afterwards there are a hell of a lot of people saying "why did noone tell me....?" (childbirth, breast feeding, newborn sleep etc etc etc)

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 15/01/2013 10:17

Its really not that bad! And as has been said,all the babies who pop out in a few hours with a bit of gas and air just arent interesting enough for people to shout about.

dinkystinky · 15/01/2013 10:18

Well, one way to deal with it is to chant to yourself " everyone's birth story is different" while being told the horror stories. Though sadly being pregnant does bring out the horror stories!

Another way is to read empowering birth stories - like Ina May Gaskin books and Childbirth Without Fear, so you understand in advance what your body will be going through before the birth so dont worry about it at the time.

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 15/01/2013 10:19

Wasn't a website set up recently specifically to share positive stories?
Can't remember its name, though...

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 15/01/2013 10:21

I know some bad ones but would never have done tgat

Numbthumbs · 15/01/2013 10:29

I had a lovely labour, all fine and no problems - just like most people i speak to. Yes it hurts but when you think about whats actually happening you have to expect it.
When people ask me what it was like i always remind them that actually giving birth to the baby is the easy bit, its when they wrap it up like a sausage and give it to you to take home to keep thats the hard bit! Birth is nothing on a tantrum in Sainsburys

Original poster

scaredbutexcited · 15/01/2013 10:37

Thank you. Glad to hear there are some good experiences out there!

Love the idea of the website to share positivie stories - Does anyone know what it's callled?

Congrats on your news sleephead - like you say, some people do it more than once so that must be a good sign?!

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredbutexcited · 15/01/2013 10:38

Also, thank you for the book recommendations dinky.

OP posts:

Numbthumbs · 15/01/2013 10:39

Im 39+2 so labour is imminent (had DD at 38+5), im actually looking forwards to it

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 15/01/2013 10:42

Yes. I remember with my first, a friend who had never given birth herself went on to tell me all about the horrible stories she had heard.

A way to look at it: it is am exercise to exorcise your demons. Once a horror birth story is told, it cannot happen to you again. So they are paying you a service.

Btw, I had three natural births, no tears, no interventions.

LaCiccolina · 15/01/2013 10:43

The problem is that as a prospective mum u just want everything to be happy soft and cuddly wonderful. Once u actually go through a birth process it's like seeing behind Oz curtain.... You know the shocking truth of either NHS or just birth generally. Don't be harsh it's just that so few experience a perfect birth and so many are affected by it that they feel sort of bound to 'open the eyes' of everyone else.

It won't work. It's so personal and such a massive thing that actually u have to go through it to have any idea what the person is talking about.

Once u do, u will also then be doing the same..... A continuing circle....

Chandon · 15/01/2013 10:45

I don t often tell my story as it would sound smug.

But just for you: with the first I did not even notice I was in labour for the first half of it. Then when I figured out these cramps were IT, I went to the hospital. I was already 9 cm so rush rush rush. At 10 cm I did ask ( scream?!) I wanted drugs, but then baby poped out already.

Second one similar but even quicker. Our main worry was to get to the hospital on time. i was 10 cm on arrival, still walking a round, all systems go! DH almost missed it parking the car.

I had an episiotomy in both cases which did not hurt, was stitched up beautifully, and " as new" soon enough.

It helps to be a relaxed sort of person, and walkig helps to speed up labour ( i did laps through the house, instinctively, would have hated to lie down for the contractions).

Sorry for the smugness.

explosioninatoyshop · 15/01/2013 10:59

Maybe the idea is to prepare you for the worst, so hopefully it won't be as bad as you might think??! Personally i dont think thats very helpful though. id say just ignore it. My first labour was fine, it hurts, but its all worth it which is why I'm having no. 2:) if you're worried natal hypnotherapy or hypnobirthing CDs are a good idea - help you feel more relaxed and confident about it all. I'm trying it this time!

Purplelooby · 15/01/2013 11:45

I like to tell people, but for a very different reason. The thing is, my birth was 'bad' on paper (all the things people worry about) BUT it really wasn't 'bad' while I was there, if that makes sense?

What I'm saying is, even the worst births aren't actually that bad to experience as long as you follow a couple of important rules: 1) Don't try to have a 'perfect' labour - just do what is right for you in the moment. If you want pain relief then have it, if you want an epidural then do it, etc. 2) Stay informed - I had a fantastic team of professionals around me for the whole thing (Bolton hospital) and they kept me totally informed of every detail. This helped me to feel in control and feeling positive.

Honestly, I loved my whole labour and birth experience even though it was far from 'natural' and I'm now pregnant again and this time not even slightly scared about the labour.

Last word - people like to tell their stories because us girls don't often get to show off about what tough cookies we are :)

LubyLu2000 · 15/01/2013 11:56

I know exactly what you mean and do feel there's a bit of competitiveness/badge of honour to it. I had ELCS with DS1 and almost felt that I was missing out cos I didn't have this dramatic story to tell as it all went so smoothly! 2nd time round I couldn't care less and just want him here in the safest best way possible which will probably be another ELCS. Now, I think there's just way too much emphasis on the actual childbirth - it's one very very small part of what is going to be the rest of your life caring and worrying and looking after this tiny little bundle.

Dogsmom · 15/01/2013 12:11

It's driving me mad too, I'm so nervous about childbirth and really don't want people telling me the horror stories, I know it's going to hurt but why do people feel the need to tell you their tales when they know you're nervous?

I've tried every way of stopping people mid flow but other than being rude to them nothing works, I even tried telling people before they start off but that doesn't work, only yesterday someone asked how I was feeling and I said 'getting sick of people telling me their horror stories when they know I'm nervous' and quick as a flash she replied ' well I won't tell you about my 19 hour labour and painful forceps delivery then'.

I felt like smacking her!

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 15/01/2013 12:16

I had an easy labour. Total of 12 hours painful for about 5 two pushes and DS was out.

not all horror stories sometimes its just perfectly easy labour

chocoluvva · 15/01/2013 12:24

You have my sympathy OP!

This oversharing is very odd IMO too.

It's natural to be apprehensive about the birth, for goodness sake!

I don't want to hear the details of other women's perineums and cervixes, thanks all the same.

Everybody without exception manages to have their baby delivered!

Hope you enjoy your baby, OP and Dogsmom. Ignore all unwanted comments, advice, tales etc.

hopeful92 · 15/01/2013 12:33

I know exactly what you mean OP, it drives me crazy! Similarly, you can't seem to win when people ask you how you are doing . If you reply with "really well" then they shoot you back with "oh just wait til those sleepless nights come, then you won't be feeling so well" or if I reply with "pretty crumby really, suffering from bad hypremesis" I get "oh just you wait til those sleepless nights, you will be praying for morning sickness" ARGH makes me want to scream!!!!!! Can't people just let us enjoy being pregnant?!

Nicky1306 · 15/01/2013 12:37

I had a great labour with DC1......in hospital at 1230 4cms along.....DD born at 230 gas and air, few stitches......hoping it's similar this time x

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