Fed up with labour horror stories

[scaredbutexcited]

It is starting to feel like the whenever someone sees you are pregnant, after the initial congratulations they go on to tell you how awful/painful/terrifying their labour experience was.

Why do women do this to each other?!

It doesn't even seem to be just close friends and family. I bought a pregnancy magazine in the gargage last night and the lady behind the counter had to tell me how she had nearly bled to death following her last labour!

It almost seems competitive. When you are in a group and one person starts with the stories, everyone else seems to say theirs was more painful/gruesome etc.

How can this kind of thing be (politely) stopped?

Immediately after the birth of my DB, my mum's doctor commented that she'd "never be free from worry again"!!!!!!!!

She often told that story.

I had three wonderful births (hurt like hell, but I was as high as a kite after them). They were so fabulous that I actually feel sad I'll never give birth again. But in RL I don't like to say too much about this, because it feels smug: "I'm such a wonderful earth mother, giving birth aligned me with the goddess....", you know the kind of thing.

Just so you don't want to slap me, I had one horrible birth. Nothing was seriously wrong, but it was scary and unpleasant.

I'm a wimp and I managed without pain relief (not being smug, I was banging on about an epidural the minute I realised I was in labour, didn't get one because it went too quickly and didn't see the point in gas and air after all that!), everyone's experiences are different, some people are just dramatic.

I've had the same stories. I think it's really people needing to off load - there just doesn't seem to be the help for woman post birth. On paper many births sound straight forward but in reality they are something very different for the woman.
One thing that I get a lot is 'sleep now becuase you will never be able to sleep again' and those people have three children, so they did it three times. While I realise it must be bad it can't be that bad else you'd not do it three times! Or making assumptions that your baby will be the same as theirs ie waking every hour - it might not!

Because it is the reality. You read a bunch of books that tell you that you will be in control, do this breathing exercise, listen to music, etc.

So when it all goes a bit wonky a lot of mums are left feeling as though they failed in some way, because they didn't push baby out and walk out of hospital the next morning. A few people have mentioned that these women need 'counselling' and you know I probably did, midwife wouldn't even talk about it.
However your birth ends up going, painfree or painful, intervention or it just pops out it will have achieved its end purpose. A lovely baby x good luck

It pisses me off as well. I nearly didn't have children, because the obsessive need of practically every woman I know to tell horror stories, at length and repeatedly, scared the bejasus out of me. You can't shut some people up - I've even had to resort to saying 'I'm going to walk away now as I really don't want to know' to one friend who just kept on and on even after I'd asked her several times to stop.

I'm really angry about this actually, pregnancy hasn't been even a 10th as bad as I was expecting, and birth will be what it will be. I wish people had the decency to understand that competitive birthing nightmares are not helpful to young women who may be struggling with the whole idea. Stories nearly always improve with the telling as well, and the exaggeration element just makes it worse.

So if anyone wants to talk about their birth - ask the listener first if they want to hear about it, and if they say no STFU.

I don't tell people my appalling birth stories because I'm fully aware they're not normal and not what most women will experience, thank goodness. What I do try to get across if the subject comes up is that you can't assume anything about delivering a first baby.

I remember saying that to a woman I met who had this detailed idealistic birth plan and this naive trusting belief that it was all going to happen the way she'd planned it. Because that was exactly how I was. Our NCT teacher did me no service at all. She talked as if you could plan it all out and decide how your labour progressed. Total bloody nonsense.

Truth is, some people have an amazingly easy time, others don't. And it doesn't seem to be connected to youth or flexibility or lifestyle or anything really. It is what it is. Midwives can't say "Oh you'll have an easy time of it" by looking at your lovely childbearing hips. It happens the way it happens. If you look a lot like your mother you may give birth like her too. Or not....

Turns out that despite being 5' 7" and fairly chunky I have a tiny little pelvic aperture - they did an x-ray from the ground up. Which makes sense of the fact that neither of my babies could get out.

It isn't always competitive. As others have said, people often say 'why didn't you tell me' and some women really are trying to warn people that sometimes it just doesn't go to plan but it's okay and I'm here to tell the tale and it will be alright in the end. I wish to God I'd taken on board what people said to me first time round. I decided it would all be okay and only listened to positive stories. I ended up in severe shock and with ptsd and pnd.

It's also overwhelming, the need to talk about this monumental thing that has happened. It's not about competition most of the time.

This makes me really cross as well, it's like people are so certain that their miserable pregnancy and horrendous labour experience are the norm and if you even dare to be positive / talk about potential ways of doing things people just see red. I'm still reeling from being made to look as though I'm obsessed with showers after I posted yesterday asking if I was being unrealistic to hope I would be able to have a wash occasionally once the baby arrives. Most people were fine, a couple were like you want to be clean? AND have a baby? Did you not read the rules? How can you put your armpits first? Your BABY is the most important thing! You MUST stink as a badge of honour! Preferably whilst carrying your insides around with you with both hands as they must surely have fallen out when your baby ripped her way out of you, but who needs insides, anyway? It's not like you're ever going to be able to eat again, is it? What with having a BABY and all.

Sheesh. Drama llama. It's a wonder we're still reproducing as a species. Although I'm sure I heard the birth rate is dropping...

OP, I have to say, it is entirely possible you will have a reasonable, normal delivery. I actually know someone who did :O first baby, couple of deep breaths, baby popped out after 20 minutes of labour. True story. It can happen.

No horror story here either. 2 1/2 hour labour, had just over an hour in the birthing pool, got out as I felt a bit woozy so didn't feel safe in there. Used gas & air only and did a fair bit of grunting & bossing DH about

Once I'd got out of the pool & on the bed, 3 pushes and she was in my arms. Lovely midwife, straightforward birth and I was home a few hours later. DD is now 8 days old and I feel great!

DS (6) took a bit longer, about 8 hours in total. No pool, had gas & air and pethadine. Again, was really straightforward and was back home same day.

I'm a grade A wimp and yes, I would do it again.

Good birth stories don't tend to get as much attention so it does seem to be all horror stories. There are far more straightforward births than horrific ones. Yes, it does hurt but its manageable pain IYSWIM.

I had two lovely births but, like others have said, don't tend to tell people about them as I don't want to look smug or competitive, and don't want to make women who end up with the full range of interventions and anesthesia feel upset or like they have in any way 'failed'.

But seeing as you need a bit of balance; I have had 2 births. The first with TENS machine and gas and air, one tiny 'graze' apparently, although I wouldn't have known if I hadn't been told and most probably the result of my awkward son coming out with both hands over his head like superman The second with TENS machine and the tiniest amount of gas and air, no grazes/tears, despite her popping out with hand on her face. I found the contractions intense and 'deeply uncomfortable' like very strong diarrhea cramps (as opposed to painful like a broken bone) and the actual birth and 'crowning' was very strange indeed, but not painful. I hummed and ooooohed through some of the final contractions, but mainly under my breath and no screaming/crying etc. And I usually cry if I stub my toe.

Not to say that all births are like this, and there is no shame whatsoever in taking all the pain relief and help offered if you need it (or, indeed, if you simply fancy it - it's your body!) I hope you are in the 'lucky' group like I was!

Oh, and I used to have very painful periods pre-children and quite frequently ended up a sobbing mess during those, so again, my experiences were certainly not down to any particular stoicism on my part. I just sort of let my body go all 'rag doll' like during contractions (floppy hands, slack jaw etc) and do it's job.

It's really hard. As your children get older, this continues with other people trying to 'panic' you about immunisations, school catchment areas, bullying etc etc. it normally starts with "well, just wait until..."

I know more women who had good labours than horror stories. I myself had a great labour with my second dc - which was after being induced too (which I was told would 'be awful!).

Good luck to you. It will be a good one

The other thing people forget is that your birth story is your birth story and positivity is something you ascribe to it not take from it in a way.

On paper, my birth story with ds might sound bad. 38hrs of back to back op labour, intervention, final emcs BUT it was positive, life affirming and a bit brilliant. And I am allowed to talk about it because it was normal insofar as a cs is a very real eventuality and not a rarity. And I have nothing but good things to feel and say about his birth. It hurt not a jot actually and I loved it.

My friend had a normal, textbook, quickish delivery and was completely and utterly traumatised. But on paper if she told you the bare bones, you'd think it positive.

I do think it's dangerous to tell any woman she should stfu or stop being competitive when really she's as entitled to her story as anybody else, particularly when a lot of the time she might actually be trying to help.

By all means say you'd rather not discuss it but don't imply all women are competitive doom mongers just because they didn't breathe out their babies to whale music.

I'm pregnant with number 5. Proof that it really isn't that bad. Personally I find morning sickness much worse because it goes on so long. In comparison all labours are really short and you get a georgeous baby at the end.

My Aunt told me (when I was pregnant with my first) to think of each contraction as riding over a wave, on the sea, taking you closer to the shore where your baby is waiting. I have always found this a helpful focus during labour.

Like show of hands says, they probably are trying to help.

I do think that birth plans are unhelpful actually, as it gives a false sense of control to the mum to be. In reality there are so many variables that nobody knows what will happen, or how you will feel about it all. But it will be worth it. However it goes

Great to hear all the positive stories. Thank you for sharing them.

I agree though it is important to realise everything may not go as planned and it is good (if hard) not to think this means we have "failed" in some way.

Lovely to know as well that many still found it a rewarding experience even though it was painful/not what they had expected.

Maybe it will be ok!

I had a lovely hypnobirth, waters broke at 11am, DS arrived at 4pm - was bloody wonderful and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat and wouldn't change a thing.
I have found, however, that a lot of people don't want to hear the good stories because they think it's a stealth brag, so you can't win either way!

I do understand that some women may feel the need to talk about their births if they had a traumatic experience but I don't understand how they could think that a pregnant woman is the person to talk to about it.

Fair enough if the pregnant woman asks but surely they know that the vast majority of us are anxious enough and any horror stories just compound it.

There have been a few great threads over in 'chidbirth' recently, check them out.

Also the website someone mentioned is www.tellmeagoodbirthstory.com.

For what it's worth I have 3 DCs all of them were positive births, hard work and painful but still positive, incredible, amazing experiences. Many women do have experiences that were not as they'd hoped but many do have the birth they'd hoped for - as others have said and ime I agree, that these women tend not to talk about them as much. Remember a straight forward birth is normal not lucky.

Best wishes for your birth.

www.tellmeagoodbirthstory.com

My labours were both very straight forward - 6 hrs and 4 hrs. Although the last hour was painful, it really wasn't that bad, and you know there's an end to it. Gas and air worked well for me. I would rather go through birth again than pregnancy!

The website mentioned earlier is called Tellmeagoodbirthstory.com

Might be worth a look....

Just think though if they tell you the worst, the labour itself is soooooo much nicer x

I had a problematic pregnancy meaning DD1 was always going to be a csection (just not sure when) otherwise both our lives would have been at risk.

If you heard my story thus far you would think 'doom'

BUT, I had a fab csection at 36 weeks, hospital staff brilliant, driving within 2 weeks and breastfed for a year. No feelings of guilt over 'failure' to birth 'normally' (whatever that might mean) and despite all in second
Pregnancy being fine, I elected for another csection (was equally fab birth).

Your birth will be what it is, and I don't doubt that going in with a positive frame of mind can do nothing but help

My best NCT friend had 3 at home, no stitches and only a whiff of gas and air.

Good luck with your birth and I hope you have a great time meeting your baby, however it turns out