Pregnant and have a career, can't tell boyfriend

[Serenahunnie]

Im 33 and have a career worked hard for years to have. Been with my boyfriend who is love of my life for 10 months we dared off and on for 3 months before that. Upset that I'm pregnant as worried I'm about to destroy both our lives. We spent 4 weeks back Packing round china this summer next year we planned to do sand in south america. I'm about to ruin everything. I can't tell him, feel like I'm destroying his dreams. So scared don't know what to do. I know my family would love us up gave kids. Feel like my career would be over. I have told a friend I can trust. She told me not to tell him and have an abortion. I can't do that though. Although I do feel I can't win now whatever I do... Please please someone help give me some advice laid here crying can't sleep.

The problem here is that whilst you seem sure of your love for your boyfriend, and can envisage having a child together he can't. This could be a matter of time, in that he may come round, either if you continue with the pregnancy, or in a couple of years time, and you can try again. However there's also a chance that he may never feel that way, either about committing to you or about having children.

So I think it's really important for you to work out what it is you want - and where you'd see yourself in 5 years' time. If he was to say to you today that he doesn't think he ever wants children - would that be a dealbreaker for you? Would you stay with him and be happy, if he said he didn't want children? Is having children something you definitely want in your future or are you undecided? These are all things it would be good to be clear on before you decide what to do next.

At 33, it's true to say that time is not on your side, I know many professional women who have focused on their careers because "it's not the right time to have a baby" and who now no longer have that option. Some are happy with that decision, others are not. Would you be?

FWIW I was a single parent of 2 children under 5, working full time with a career - and make no mistake it's hard work - but it is perfectly possible. I also travelled a fair bit.

Good luck with whatever you decide..

This all seems very immature for people in their thirties. Sobbing uncontrollably? He'll make a great Dad one day? Flitting from wanting the baby to an abortion so quickly...

Maybe realistic reaction for teenagers. But all seems very strange behaviour for grown up professionals.

Him manning up as many are saying is one thing. The other is you need to woman up. You're a successful career woman. You are more than capable of being a successful mum whether alone or with this man.

This may sound harsh, but it is well meaning. The fact you'd jump to offering an abortion because he is sobbing is pathetic. You're a 33 year old woman who has the resources both financial and mental to look after the baby she made. Now get a grip.

*ducks....

Hi Serenahunnie

I am sorry to read about your dilema.

What i would like to point out to you, is that you have made the effort to join mumsnet.............to me, that makes me think that deep down you might want to keep the baby. I know at the moment it is just cells and ultimately whatever you decide is right. Just make sure it is right for you.

Your other half has been getting a bit of a beating from looking at the last few comments and i cant say that i dont disagree with them.

1. Do YOU want this baby?
2. Are YOU 100% happy with how your partner is making you feel?
3. Have you spoken to a councillor/doctor about this yet?

Please dont feel alone. Where abouts do you live in the country?

Having a baby WILL change your life and priorities. I had a baby last year and wasnt planning to have any children ever! It has changed my life. I cant do the things i used to do, but i personally dont regret having my baby. I do regret not being as free to do things and not being able to lie in but it has made me and my partner better people and i dont regret that.

Good luck.

How are you today serena? I kind of agree that if your bf is still weeping and wailing about the injustice of it all he has a lot of growing up to do. I think you need to speak to a counsellor about your options, no one should ever go through with a termination just because it would make someone else happy and I got the distinct impression you want this little cluster of cells. Why don't you take yourself away for a couple of days on your own to think about what you want and what would make you happy

OP Ive had two unplanned pregnancies. My first I was 20, had just moved out of my parents home and was supposed to be starting uni the following year and then from there forging myself a career. I was all over the place for a week. I thought i wanted a termination but it took me that week to realise that I thought I should have a termination because I didn't want to ruin my boyfriends life. As soon as I realised this I changed how I thought about it. Ultimately even a married couple that plan a baby can split once that baby has been born. Regardless of the circs you are the one that carries the baby, that experiences pregnancy, that gives birth to that child and is its primary carer for life. So IMO you need to be sure the decision you make is right for you regardless of how much pressure your partner puts on you.

I realised that I didnt think I could go through with a termination. That decided it for me. I knew I had already bonded with the idea of carrying a child and that no amount of pressure from my partner would make me change my mind. So I told him I was having that baby with or without him.

The second time (im 19wks pg) was due to rape. In this situation Ive decided to see this pgcy as a wonderful positive coming out of a very negative situation. The "father" was my abusive ex, incidentally the same father of my first baby, so I was already a single mum and adding another one to that mix is something I feel I can cope with.

I am still going to do my degree. Im still going to travel. You have to be clear about what your goals are and how you can practically achieve them but they are still achievable. Your partner's behaviour imo is selfish and ultimately shouldnt sway you if you feel you couldnt terminate. You have no way of knowing if he will stick around, but all relationships can end for any number of reasons. Dont make a decision for fear of losing or upsetting him. Make a decision which your gut tells you is right for you.

Also, any man who would actually allow you to offer to abort because he wants you to, and who fails to step back and support you is selfish, lacking in empathy and deserves very short shrift.

You should never make a decision this momentus on the say-so of a partner. This is your body, your life and potentially your child.

Dont you dare get bullied into a decision which you could regret.

Infact the more I read your last post the more incensed I become.

I think you need to ask yourself why you are valuing you partner's happiness above your own? Why are you valuing his rights and views about this above your own?

And why are you willing to do something this huge on the basis of his feelings thus completely disregarding your own?

Make a decision based on him and you will regret it. Make a decision to make him happy and it will tarnish your relationship unless you are willing to spend the rest of your time together hiding your feelings, your views and pandering to his.

He is your equal not your better.

I think you need to re-evaluate some things and take a good long look at this man you adore and the way he is allowing you to sacrifice your own freewill to meet his wants and emotional needs.

I could never respect a man that allowed me to do such a thing.
It would be a deal breaker for me.