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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant and have a career, can't tell boyfriend

82 replies

Serenahunnie · 21/10/2012 06:18

Im 33 and have a career worked hard for years to have. Been with my boyfriend who is love of my life for 10 months we dared off and on for 3 months before that. Upset that I'm pregnant as worried I'm about to destroy both our lives. We spent 4 weeks back Packing round china this summer next year we planned to do sand in south america. I'm about to ruin everything. I can't tell him, feel like I'm destroying his dreams. So scared don't know what to do. I know my family would love us up gave kids. Feel like my career would be over. I have told a friend I can trust. She told me not to tell him and have an abortion. I can't do that though. Although I do feel I can't win now whatever I do... Please please someone help give me some advice laid here crying can't sleep.

OP posts:
Serenahunnie · 22/10/2012 19:08

P.s. We were using contraception.

OP posts:
ivanapoo · 22/10/2012 19:23

Serena I really think you need to put your feelings first over your partner's or at least equal. It seems that at the moment you are putting his ahead of yours and while you should take his into consideration it's REALLY important you listen to your heart too.

It sounds like you want to keep the baby. You WILL be ok if you choose to do this.

Dededum · 22/10/2012 19:31

You can make a decision to have the baby or terminate. You will no doubt swing both ways over the next few days. But it has to be your decision, not his. You can forgive yourself if you decide to terminate, it should not ruin your life - myriads of women make take decision and feel settled, if obviously not happy with it. If you terminate because he wants too and you don't then your relationship will never be the same, you will always hold that over him and it might faulter under the stress or you might end up stronger as a couple. Don't make a decision in order to 'keep' him.

A baby will change your life for ever, never met a women who regrets having kids, you'll be to busy feeling guilty about working, not working, feeding them non-organic food, not reading to them every night, for not being the perfect mum etc... to worry about yourself.

Hugs, hope the doctor appointment has helped. Did he go with you?

flowery · 22/10/2012 19:33

It has to be your decision ultimately, and surely if you want to keep it but have a termination to please him, you are going to resent him hugely?

flowery · 22/10/2012 19:37

Just seen you're 33. Fertility starts to seriously decline once you hit 35 anyway, so if he's the love of your life and you want to have kids, you'd probably want to start trying within a couple of years anyway.

MacMac123 · 22/10/2012 19:48

I think the tears on his part are a bit OTT and possible manipulative.
I agree with other posters, just put your own needs first. if he is a good bloke he'll come round and you'll either be together or not ( which frankly noone can be sure of anyway in life) and if you terminate but don't want to, the relationship will struggle.
I am extremely career orientated, run two of my own businesses, have a 4 year old and another one due, if anything like someone else said having kids has made me even more career focused and determined to succeed so don't let career worries put you off.
Of course you have to work smarter or whatever but the main thing is you work it out whatever makes you happy and just get on with it.
With regard to travel, you'll either want to or not! If you have a baby then decide you don't really want to travel anymore ( as is the case for me) then u certainly don't feel like you're missing out as u no longer want to do it (if u catch my drift!).
If I were you I'd employ a bit of 'the rules' into this situation, get a smile on your face, tell him he can make his own mind up but you're not interested in more tears (he's 29, not 16) and start preparing for the possibility if you have the baby it may be alone, but you sound smart and capable anyway so you'd be fine.
What's the betting he changes his mind!

Sorry if I sound harsh on him but you both didn't use contraception and he sounds like he needs to man up a bit. He's 29, not 12. Hardly too young to be a dad. He also sounds like he loves you - so why the despair.

Dededum · 22/10/2012 19:54

They were using contraception.

I like the phrase 'man up' - DS2 teacher uses it and always makes me laugh. Agreed though a bit of positivity will do wonders, your positivity might just rub off on him. He sounds like a good man, give him the chance to be one.

coronalover · 22/10/2012 20:05

I chose to have an abortion when I was 25yo because my BF at the time was not someone I saw myself with long term. Everyone has their own reasons for deciding to have an abortion but for me that was the deciding factor and I had made up my mind almost without knowing it pretty much as soon as I saw the +ve preg test.
The only piece of advice I can give you is to separate in your mind the fact that you would rather not have got pregnant from a decision about abortion IYSWIM.

I hope that helps hugs x

WantAnOrange · 22/10/2012 20:27

I'm going to be blunt but I'm a bit cross on your behalf at your partners behaviour. I fell pregnant at 16, one month into a relationship with a 16 year old boy and he didnt act half as wet as your partner.

29 is not young to have a child. He is reacting like a teenager might, rather than a grown man, with a stable job and relationship and home.

Please do not make this decision based on his tears, which tbh honest sounds like a temper tantrum.

It wont effect his career one jot. It'll effect yours but that's up to you to decide what you want more.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 22/10/2012 20:42

Agree he needs to 'man up'. When you have sex, you have to be prepared for the outcome to be a pregnancy. That's why it's for adults. I'm 9 months pregnant with an unexpected DC2 and while the timing wasn't what DH and I had planned, we have stuck together and supported each other as a team. You can't just dump the entire responsibility and emotional fallout on one person, that isn't what supportive relationships are about. DH is 27 by the way...

You need to make a decision you are comfortable with. If you want to keep this baby then having a termination to please your bf could become a huge source of resentment and drive you apart anyway.

Paradisefound · 22/10/2012 20:42

Don't rush into a decision, take your time. Do what you want. Consider your age, it might not be so easy to get pregnant next time.

Teapot13 · 22/10/2012 20:46

My general response to concerns about career, finances, in the context of an unplanned pregnancy, is, "Children were born during the war." There's never a good time to have a baby. Even if you feel ready, believe me, when the baby arrives you will realize you weren't! I don't mean you should have the baby no matter what, but that you should give weight to your feelings over practicalities, to the extent possible.

I agree that your BF has had a shock and needs some time to adjust to the idea, but he also needs to put on his big-boy pants and support you. This exaggerated childish behavior is not how the love of your life should behave.

narmada · 22/10/2012 21:47

You seem very concerned about the potential to 'lose' your partner :(. Do you feel safe and secure with him -and has he intimated he feels you are 'the one' in the same way you feel he is 'the one'? I am sorry if this comes across as blunt but it is as well to go into things with eyes wide open.

Serenahunnie · 23/10/2012 11:01

Confused I know he doesnt want it. I can't do it on my own. He's an amazing guy and love him with all my heart but hes not ready a d cabt di this to him. don't want a baby in an unhappy home. I will have the abortion.

OP posts:
weeblueberry · 23/10/2012 11:17

What makes you think you can't do it on your own?

All I'd suggest is to put yourself in your own shoes in 5 years time. Do you still see yourself with him, particularly knowing how he reacts when the going gets tough? Is he always going to pull the emotional blackmail card?

Frankly, his attitude would make me seriously consider whether I wanted to be with him long term, abortion or not. If I were in your place I'd try and spend more time genuinely deciding if your support network will help you look after this baby on your own and less about how your partner feels. That might sound very harsh but my worry is that if he doesn't want a baby now, he may never. And you might be 5 years down the line, desperate for a child and he pulls the same thing again. Then you're in a bad place because your fertility will seriously have dropped.

Good luck with whatever you choose. x

Serenahunnie · 23/10/2012 11:19

I think as long as one of us is happier (if that's possible) with the outcome it will at least mean one of us can have a happier future. I couldn't have a baby on my own or watching my bf be miserable. He is a lovely man and will make a brilliant dad one day. I know he's worried about me and is insisting I make the right decision for me. But I know him
And I know how sad the prospect of having the child makes him. I
Can't do that to him. I can't do that to someone I love. I just think we will probably break up. It's strange how things happen, I was engaged and going out with someone for 6 years before I met my current partner. We never got pregnant and to be honest wouldn't have ever wanted a child with him, Abortion would have been a lot easier to choose. I was always just more interested in work and a career then our relationship. Although i love being successful at work and earning enough money to have a comfortable life. Now I realise how unimportant all that is you can have no money and be more then happy, I just wish my partner felt the same way. As he doesnt it's important that one of us has a happier result out of this. I know abortion is what he wants.

OP posts:
flowery · 23/10/2012 11:31

If the prospect of having a child makes him that 'sad' now, that he would contemplate letting you go through with a termination you don't want, what is going to change so drastically in the next couple of years that's going to suddenly turn him into a 'brilliant' dad? Confused

WantAnOrange · 23/10/2012 11:32

Why should he be the one that's happier? Why do you value yourself less than him?

PandaWatch · 23/10/2012 12:57

Yeah he sounds like he'll be a brilliant dad Hmm

Sorry if that sounds flippant but him sobbing uncontrollably, imo, smacks of a thinly veiled attempt to emotional blackmail you. At the very least, he needs to pull himself together and have a mature, reasoned discussion with you before you make your decision.

I feel for you OP but please start thinking about yourself and your future - not just about your BF.

Portofino · 23/10/2012 13:05

I totally agree with Panda - full on emotional blackmail. He is not putting you first here at all. Is it possible to get away for a couple of days to think about what YOU want? It is possible to have a baby and a career you know.

RedTurtle · 23/10/2012 13:27

If you terminate because you really don't feel ready to have a baby and you know deep inside that you do not want to be a mother - you will probably recover fairly easily and your relationship may survive.

If you terminate because you are scared of losing your boyfriend - you may regret that for the rest of your life & your relationship is unlikely to survive unless you can truly forgive him for the situation he has put you in. He will also have to live with the guilt & responsibility of pushing you into a decision when he knows it is not what you really want. Believe me, he DOES know because you have told him more than once.

His tears are out of panic because he is scared of his life changing.

But what about you? If you are the love of his life, your health and well-being should be his priority. Instead, he is making it all about him. He is also telling you that he will support you in what 'you decide' because that means the responsibility & potential guilt are put into you.

I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was younger than you are - I was 20 but my boyfriend was 29. I was head over heels in love with him and we had just made plans to travel. My boyfriend's reaction was very similar to your partners. I also said I wanted to keep the baby (although I did keep changing my mind, I was confused). My bf never actually TOLD me to terminate but it was clear that was what he wanted. There were tears from him and he was so upset by it all. When I tried to talk about perhaps keeping the baby, there was just silence from him. At the time, I thought that losing my boyfriend would be the most painful thing I could imagine.

To cut a long story short, I had the termination. A few months later we went travelling. It wasn't that great and, to he honest, I was already falling out of love with him. I didn't respect him anymore & I often used to look at him and think "someone who loved me wouldn't have pushed me to do that". "Pushing" is that he did, although it wasn't done in an up-front way.

That summer, I saw babies everywhere I went. They all seemed to stare at me in a way that made me think "they know what I did" (completely irrational, I know!). I started to have severe panic attacks when I went out.

I ended things with the boyfriend. He took it badly and kept turning up at my workplace crying and begging me to marry him & have children with him. This went on for many months. He kept saying that the termination had been a mistake. I felt a little bit of pity towards him by then but nothing more.

Anyway, I have since met and married my DH & had 3 children. I try not to dwell on my earlier pregnancy (although I hate the fact that the termination is written in my maternity notes) apart from on the date it happened, when I allow myself a day of thinking about it. It was over ten years ago. I know I am a good mother to my existing children but there will always be a part of me that feels I had another child who I "failed" badly and that I made the wrong choice. I chose my boyfriend over my unborn child.

My ex-boyfriend had another unplanned pregnancy with his next girlfriend after me, they had been together for about one month. He told me that he was determined not to make the same mistake twice. They had the baby & he went on to marry her & they are still together & hopefully happy. He told me that he will always feel ashamed of the way he behaved.

Anyway, a long story there! I know your situation is different to mine and you must decide what is right for you. I just wanted to try & give you some perspective, as in - having a termination will not make the whole situation just 'go away' and put you and your boyfriend back to where you were.

I am pro-choice and I have several friends who chose to terminate unwanted pregnancies. For them it was absolutely the right choice and I don't think they had any long-term problems as a result of it. For me, it wasn't.

Please, think about what you want as you will carry the decision - either way - for the rest of your life. Your boyfriend may not be in your life for that much longer, as inconceivable as that may seen to you at the moment.

Good luck x

MacMac123 · 23/10/2012 14:24

Personally I would be dumping him for being such a wet blanket and completely failing when the going gets tough. There could be many tough situations in life, ie you lose your job, you get cancer. Sounds to me like hed be a rubbish partner through anything tough if this is his reaction now.

This may be hard to hear but another possibility is that he knows deep inside you are not 'the one' for him and you'll have the termination then break up anyway. I would say cut his thoughts out completely, go away for a few days and work out what you want to do (based on 'worst case' scenario of not being with him regardless) and take it from there.

His behaviour to me seems like clear warning bells over whether he's even worth having as a boyfriend and worse he's hardly making you feel good, confident and self assured when you are putting all your energies into solving his issues and keeping him on side rather than thinking of your own feelings and self.

octanegirl · 23/10/2012 14:24

I was in a similar situation a few months ago. Wasn't planned, had only been with DP for 4 months. He had a meltdown and demanded I get an abortion, which I just couldn't do. I knew I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't, but there was no way I was going to do it for him.
He then broke up with me at 12 weeks but then a month later came back and now all is well. He needed to get his head around a situation he had never before considered and he is now very excited and very supportive. He is even selling his 2 door sportscar in favour of a family estate!

What I would say is NEVER have an abortion just because someone else wants you to. You'll end up resenting him and might break up anyway.

Just give yourself time. It will all be fine and he will come round to the idea. It is a massive shock when one first finds out.

Havibg a baby wont stall your career or ruin his life. Tell him to man up.
Nicola Horlick was a city megastar and she had kids!

MacMac123 · 23/10/2012 14:26

Ps I would really focus on Red Turtles response too, she has been in same situation and sounds very wise!

Dededum · 23/10/2012 15:05

Everything that Redturtle said. Everything has already changed.... You cannot turn back the clock.

Get some counselling NOW.