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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant and have a career, can't tell boyfriend

82 replies

Serenahunnie · 21/10/2012 06:18

Im 33 and have a career worked hard for years to have. Been with my boyfriend who is love of my life for 10 months we dared off and on for 3 months before that. Upset that I'm pregnant as worried I'm about to destroy both our lives. We spent 4 weeks back Packing round china this summer next year we planned to do sand in south america. I'm about to ruin everything. I can't tell him, feel like I'm destroying his dreams. So scared don't know what to do. I know my family would love us up gave kids. Feel like my career would be over. I have told a friend I can trust. She told me not to tell him and have an abortion. I can't do that though. Although I do feel I can't win now whatever I do... Please please someone help give me some advice laid here crying can't sleep.

OP posts:

Original poster

Serenahunnie · 21/10/2012 17:03

Thanks so much again for all your messages of support. Really keep turning to this today to get me through. I have told him, at first he said we have made the baby so wanted to keep it. But then he started cryin and wouldn't stop so we have started talking about termination. He's gone out for half an hour to see one of his friends. I'm devastated. Gone for a drive in my car as I type this so upset don't know what to do and feel alone. He hasnt said it and I think he would do whatever I wanted to do. But feel like the news has really upset him. He said he loves me loads and it will be okay. But was crying his eyes out at the time of saying that. Feel like he's going to end up resenting me and the child. Feel so alone!

OP posts:

TherapeuticVino · 21/10/2012 17:07

Hey, give him time. Remember you've had plenty of time to think this over - he might surprise you.

Nothing is ruined, things have just changed and you can and WILL cope with whatever the future brings. Hang in there x

Original poster

Serenahunnie · 21/10/2012 17:10

Feel like I have lost everything

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 21/10/2012 17:11

It's probably been a heck of a shock to him.

He might come round to the idea, height not.

My now dh cried when I told him I was pregnant and said he'd prefer me to have an abortion. I didn't, he stayed. It did take him a few months to come round to the idea but by the time dd was born he was the proudest dad ever. Dd is 11 now.

Dededum · 21/10/2012 17:14

It is early days, it wasn't planned. You are all over the place, not surprising he is as well. Give him time.

Hugs

Marcheline · 21/10/2012 17:54

Oh poor you, is there anyone you can go and see who will just make you a cup of tea and just sit with you, without trying to convince you to do somethig one way or the other? It sounds as though you both need some time to absorb the situation before you make any decisions.

One thing, though - I know your boyfriend must mean the absolute world to you, but please don't do something you're not comfortable with, just to stay with him (or 'keep' him). That won't do anyone any good.

You will be OK.

RockabillyKitty · 21/10/2012 18:30

I read this thread first thing this morning and felt for you but didn't know what else to say other than what people had already told you. I'm so glad you've talked to him but now that's done you need to start being kind to yourself. You are trying to take on what he's feeling as well as cope with your own emotions. I found out I was pregnant in the middle of being made redundant and my hormones were going wild - I felt like I was going mad & that was with the support of my DH. So the early PG hormones can throw everything out of proportion in the best of times. Please give him time and space and in that time think about what YOU want. You've had a really tough day, give yourself a break from worrying about him. Best of luck.

ivanapoo · 21/10/2012 19:31

My sister fell pregnant accidentally in similar circumstances. Her partner who had a child already from a previous relationship did not want any more kids. It was tough when they found out.

Fast forward 6 years and they are married, have two children and are happier than ever. I just wanted to tell you that because I believe there is hope for you and from your posts both you and your DH sound like two nice, thoughtful people in love. Whatever you decide you definitely have not lost everything.

I planned my pregnancy with my DH but even so worry a bit about the impact it will have on my career so I do feel for you about that too - but my employers and boss have been pretty good and I remind myself that there are millions of working mums out there.

RancerDoo · 21/10/2012 19:35

Please don't forget that you have had time to get used to this and decide what you wnt but your bf has not.
Did he say why he was crying?
I think for the time being you have to concentrate on taking care of yourself.
It will be ok, whatever happens with your boyfriend.

Original poster

Serenahunnie · 21/10/2012 20:32

He has said he doesn't think he will ever be happy with the thought of having the baby. But he's not sure he can live with himself knowing I probably had an abortion because it's what he wants. Not really, not sure I want anyone to know that I don't fully trust won't tell
Someone. Want to be sure what I want cos don't want it to regret it terribly. Just devastated I'm loosing him whatever happens now. Still feel upset all time.

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SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 21/10/2012 20:40

It wasn't the best reaction ever but it sounds like he's as shocked as you were/are. A good night's sleep and then a proper conversation when you've both calmed down might be the way forward.

If you love each other and could envisage having children together one day then it's just a case of things coming a bit earlier than envisaged. Life doesn't end when you have a baby.

linoleum · 21/10/2012 21:41

You're not 'losing him whatever happens' now. He's shocked, and scared, and doesn't know what to do...but this is not unusual! Don't rush into anything, take your time and think everything through. Biologically, 33 is a great time to have a baby. You can still have your career, this isn't the 1950's. Give him time, and give yourself time.

Swanlike · 21/10/2012 22:03

Also, don't worry if you do decide to terminate. If you have an early termination the physical effects are just like a heavy period. You will feel sad and upset for a while, but from personal experience it's something that you will and can get over if having a child isn't the right thing for you at this time. My sympathy goes out to you, I've been in a similar situation at a similar age and decided to terminate. Many years later, I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and very happy, with no regrets about my decision many years ago.

narmada · 21/10/2012 22:16

I think you will be fine whatever happens.

An abortion is not the end of the world (unless of course you have very strong ethical or religious beliefs about this) - I have had one and I can honestly say that it was the right thing to do at the time. I haven't been horribly scarred by it at all. In fact I never think about it. It would actually not have been good for either my relationship or my career to have a baby when I fell pregnant - six months into my relationship and also six months into my first 'proper' career job.
I stayed with the same partner and went on to have two lovely children.

I think you need to ask your partner what he wants, really, in an ideal world. And be prepared for the response. It's better you know now rather than both/ either feel you are doing things for the other person. Honestly really is the best policy in this situation.

There are careers that aren't ever so compatible with a baby - e.g., anything with very long hours or long periods of working overseas. I am not saying this to be unkind; having children does change things enormously, and you do have to be prepared to give some things up, if only in the short term.

HowToChangeThis · 22/10/2012 08:06

Give him.a chance, it's a huge shock.

For what it's worth I'm a career driven traveller too. I'm pregnant with dc2 at the moment.

I figure even 20 years out of a probable 80 year life span leaves plenty of time for independence and travelling. Realistically you can travel with kids and toucan leave them with grandparents for a week to two. We're going to Mexico next year, I won't give anti malerials to under 5s so the kids (aged 2 and 1) will go to Spain with my parents.

I'm not as career driven right now but, again, 5 years less focus over a 40 year career isn't a big deal.

My dd brings us so much pleasure and a different perspective on life and, frankly, when I'm old she'll choose my nursing home, hopefully visit me and make sure I'm ok. I'll watch her and her kids grow up, it'll keep me invested in the future, not just gradually getting older and potentially more lonely.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Tiredtrout · 22/10/2012 08:15

How are you this morning?
You're partners reaction although crappy isn't the worst I've heard of. My dh when I told him about our ds threw up, and he was planned, give it a little time and have a think about what you want.

Fwiw each time I've been pregnant I've been working hard at my career, the two aren't mutually exclusive and at least you sound to be in a financial position where you will be able to cope

terrijhon · 22/10/2012 08:31

I think now this is the responsibility both of you to accept the truth and dont make a mistake to destroy it...may be you will not get this chance again in yur life...

stowsettler · 22/10/2012 09:30

I've come a bit late to this thread but just wanted to offer some words of comfort, such as they are. Your DP's reaction, whilst not exactly positive, is not so bad either.
I've had an abortion and it was totally the right thing for me at the time. I was 35, so I had to accept that it could have been my last chance for a baby. As it happens, it wasn't as I'm now 39 and 23+5 weeks pregnant.
I'm not convinced however that you do think it's right for you. Nor does it seem that your partner is happy with the idea. I would urge you both to talk it through properly together, when you've both had time to get over the shock. Have you thought about talking to the British Pregnancy Advisory Service? They were brilliant when I was thinking through my options and whilst I didn't need the counselling, I met a few couples who found it invaluable.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster

Serenahunnie · 22/10/2012 15:09

I'm still upset so is my partner. How do you know what the right thing is to do? He is saying ultimately it is up to me and he will get his head round it if I want to keep it. Just don't want to create a life of misery for him. He's not ready hes a bit younger then me at 29. I don't want to force this decision upon him. He's my best friend.

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Dededum · 22/10/2012 16:28

That is supportive but does put all the pressure on you.
You need some counselling, speak to your doctor ASAP

Sure someone with more relevant advice will come on soon.

Berniebennett · 22/10/2012 16:44

Just to let you know my story and a friends.

Me and my partner have been together for 2 years and were just starting to plan our lives out, moving in together starting to sort our finances out and starting to save for a mortgage and then I found out I was 3 months pregnant......it wasn't ideal and my partner although he didn't say it I knew he would have liked me to have a termination! But I surprised myself as although I have no ethical reason I felt v strongly about not having a termination and had to think really long and hard about it as I really knew my partner wasn't keen - I thought if this is the love of my life then how could I not want to have this child??? I felt a little bit lonely that he wasn't happy but over time (he didn't fully embrace it until 20 weeks scan) and is really excited, he loves bump so much and would be devestated if anything happened to it,we are also getting married on Friday do it fully surprised me he's reaction!

I think it's such a big decision that it's difficult for a male (sorry if that sounds sexist) to get their head around especially as they don't have the initial emotional attachment like we do.....

Berniebennett · 22/10/2012 16:49

My friend again accidentally found out she was pregnant and her boyfriend was horrified, said he would break up with her if she went through it, she kept the baby as termination would never have been an option for her and that was it he walked! Today she was devestated she held her head up high and cracked on as she says she lost one love but is gaining another that she will love unconditionally ad when the baby was born the father came back into her life and now after time they are back together and planning a second child - he explains it that he wasn't ready and was so overwhelmed but he now cant imagine his life without the little one and is great full she had the strength to go through with it?

But I think everyone will have a story or opinion and you know yourself what you can and can't cope with? Just put your feelings first is the main advice I would give no matter what path that takes you!

Take care xxx

ladymia · 22/10/2012 16:55

He is probably just in shock give him a few days to get used to the idea.

If after a few days he is still acting like this then I would reasses the situation. Truth is unless you fell pregnant while on some form on contraception you BOTH had unprotected sex and he should take some responsibility for himself.

I am sorry you hare going through this but it will get better!

Original poster

Serenahunnie · 22/10/2012 19:06

Thanks for all your messages again. I have a doctors appointment in half an hour. Decided a couple of hours ago I wanted to keep
It. He said okay. I fell asleep and woke up and he was upset. I have never seen him cry till I told him news about the baby. It's horrible seeing him upset like this. Told him we would have a termination and he seemed much better. I just feel upset. I think I want it. I know it's really early for us and he says he doesnt feel ready, his life isn't ready and he's not ready emotionally. I already feel something for it. I know it's just cells really and didn't think I would feel like this. But I don't know how I'm going to go through with a termination. Having a baby scares me too though and desperately need his support whatever I decide. I feel really alone.

OP posts:

alranson · 22/10/2012 19:07

I am a career girl too, fell very unexpectedly pg despite using contraception, and the father of my child does not want him. Now at 21 weeks he is more adamant than ever that it is a life ruining disaster. He's stopped going on about having a termination because it's a bit late for that now, but instead he says my choice not to terminate is a choice for a life of misery. (I take it from that that he anticipates making my life miserable - which would actually be his choice not mine!) He won't come to any scans or anything and never inquires how I am or how it's going - he says he does not want to be involved in anything that might imply he is positive or happy about the situation. But I am hoping that over time, even though he is still furious with me for not terminating and we will never get back together or anything, he will come round for the child's sake and be nice to him.

I am lucky in that even though I am on my own, I have supportive friends to come to appointments with me and also a v g psychologist/counsellor bod that my GP referred me to. Try to get one of those if you can. I am also using an independent family therapist to act as a mediator between us to help us reach an arrangement about the financials without going to lawyers.

I know that this is going to be v v v v hard but I am determined to show that the worst case scenario (ie father does not become supportive or positive, even after the initial shock wears off) is not the end of the world.

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