I keep worrying that it's my fault

emkana · 2006-03-17T20:35:35+00:00

Since last week, when I was told that my baby might have some problems, I keep having all these thoughts how I might have caused this... I had to take penicillin for weeks just before I got pregnant, I used some steroid and coal tar creams "down below" [blush] for psoriasis in the second trimester... lots and lots of thoughts like this keep going through my head, searching for things that might have triggered this. That's irrational, right?

gothicmama · 17/03/2006 20:36

yes it is not sure what else to say

Original poster

emkana · 17/03/2006 20:46

No need to say anything else.

Just need reassurance really.

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RedZuleika · 17/03/2006 20:48

It's not irrational, but you're probably mistaken. When I had three miscarriages, I kept feeling guilty that there was something I had done. So did my husband - he was worried it was the stress associated with moving house.

I just keep reminding myself that women on heroin manage to have babies...

Marina · 17/03/2006 20:48

Please don't worry. Pencillin does not cause birth defects as far as I know and surely standard topical psoriasis creams are OK for use in pregnancy? I would be the same in your position emkana - it is irrational and completely understandable. I think you should ask your consultant for reassurance - in the circumstances he/she should be sympathetic and willing to listen.

Blu · 17/03/2006 20:57

emkana - I think it is completely natural to go through this.
My DShas bones missing, and I went through everything I did, raking it all over for things I might have done to cause this. In the end, the consultanty said 'at the moment of conception, and during cell formation in the first days of conception, millions of processes are happening. Sometimes they don't all happen exactly as they should - and that's hardly surprising, and can't be predicted.

In fact, it is likely that DS's abnormalities are caused by dioxins - residues from things like plastic bottles built up in me - but I didn't know, couldn't have known, and couldn't have done abything about it.

You did everything right. You didn't take known risks, you didn't do anything without medical supervision. You are responsible, and healthy. We can't control the more fantastic minutiae of nature.

IF your baby has problems, you might always ask yourselves these sort of questions - but it won't cross anyone else's mind!

blueteddy · 17/03/2006 21:24

No it is not irrational to think this way.
I was told at my 20 wk scan with DS1 that he had a multi-cystic kidney.
I was referred to a peadiatrition & had to have several scans with some high up doctor.
The first thoughts that entered my head were "I caused this, because I didn't know I was pergnant & drank lots in early pregnancy."
I beat myself up a lot & convinced myself that I must be to blame - but was assured my all the medical staff that there would have been nothing that I could have possibly done to prevent it & like Blu says, during cell formation there are so many million processes going on that sometimes they don't all happen as they should.
I know this is a really hard time for you, but be rest assured that you are not to blame in any way.

eidsvold · 17/03/2006 21:39

emkana - I felt like that with dd1 - I had fallen very early in the pregnancy, we had been renovating/decorating our flat to sell towards the end of the pregnancy

BUT

totally irrational on my part - dd1 has down sydnrome just because she does....

and whilst you feel like that - in your head you know it is irrational - at times your heart wins over and you feel 'guilty'.

Blu said it soo well - so much goes on and millions of cells are being formed and sometimes things happen for no reason.

Thomcat · 17/03/2006 21:45

It's the maost natural but the most mistaken way to feel.
My DD has down's syndrome. I did things I shouldn't have done in my pregnancy and felt awful but then realised that these things are either genetic or a fluke. Nothing I did or didn't do, and the same goes for you, can alter science, destiny or whatever you want to call it. You can't determine the colour of your childs eyes, or their hair or whether they have some sort of special needs.

What problems might mini emkana have, or not have?> want to talk?

Thomcat · 17/03/2006 21:45

It's the maost natural but the most mistaken way to feel.
My DD has down's syndrome. I did things I shouldn't have done in my pregnancy and felt awful but then realised that these things are either genetic or a fluke. Nothing I did or didn't do, and the same goes for you, can alter science, destiny or whatever you want to call it. You can't determine the colour of your childs eyes, or their hair or whether they have some sort of special needs.

What problems might mini emkana have, or not have?> want to talk?

Thomcat · 17/03/2006 21:46

First time I have used mumsnet for a long time and look at me, I'm a mess!

Original poster

emkana · 17/03/2006 21:48

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=49&threadid=153980&stamp=060313200747\the full story is here, thomcat}

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Original poster

emkana · 17/03/2006 21:50

Oh, one update missing there actually - we have now had the results from the fetal MRI scan and there are no further abnormalities on the brain other than the enlarged ventricles.

But, as the consultant said, that doesn't mean the brain will actually work as it should, so it doesn't give complete reassurance.

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fastasleep · 17/03/2006 21:50

I felt just like this with DS... you know it's so so very unlikely that anything you might have done has caused any problem, let alone this specific one....

it's not your fault!

Wishing you the very best of luck and keeping fingers crossed

fastasleep · 17/03/2006 21:53

It could still work out ok emkana - don't lose hope

if you ever want to rant to anyone, you know with anything too daft or discombobulated to post on here (not that that stops me mind you)

you could email me, [email protected]

I went through all these feeling's with DS and his kidney problems... and it's a-ok now

Original poster

emkana · 17/03/2006 21:59

Thank you very much for the offer, fastasleep! I might e/mail you one day, a lot of the time I just feel like burying my head in the sand though tbh.
But thank you again!

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Thomcat · 17/03/2006 21:59

Ohhhhhhhhhh babealicious, just read your link............ ohhhhhhhhhhh mate..........it's that uncertainity that sucks big time and nothing I can say will help ease the feeling of not knowing. All I can say is that inbetween the worry and the fear etc, please, please try and enjoy your pregnancy. No matter what happens, what the outcome, this unborn child deserves you to love him or her for is they deserve you to love him or her. So inbetween fears try and bond as much as possible and love this unborn child, unconditionally.

That's what got me through my 2nd pregancy when I was told 'It doesn't look good".

I'm here if you want to talk more.

Original poster

emkana · 17/03/2006 22:04

I do try to enjoy this pregnancy, esp. as my older two dd's are getting more and more excited about the baby. But it's hard sometimes with not knowing at all what's going to happen, I mean literally according to the consultant it could be anything from severe handicap to nothing.

I worry so much about my life changing forever soon, which it might do due to this, things like -if he's really very ill (we know it's a boy) I might not be able to go home to Germany anymore.

If it was something like DS I could find out the relevant information, but this way it's just complete uncertainty.

Was thinking today though - dd2 (2 1/2) walked out into the road and was literally inches away from being knocked over by a car - life can always irrevocably change from one moment to the next, can't it?

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Thomcat · 17/03/2006 22:16

Yes it can.
When I was pregnany with DD2 I was told, 'hm it could be DS but it might now be, but I have to tell you, it doesn't look good". It was hell not knowing, even for a whort while. The uncertsinity is the worst thing, definatley. But in those days of not knowing what got me through was the fact that whetever was going on in there he or she deserved me to love him or her. The night I accepted that I felt so much better and I was trying to help you get to wherer I was on that night. You just have to take each day as it comes right now and enjoy this time with your unborn child becuase what will be will be and no amount of worry will change that that unbron child needs you to love him right now. God I so hope I'm saying the right thigns and helping you in the way that the person who said this to me helped me.

Thomcat · 17/03/2006 22:17

Sorry about my typos.

Original poster

emkana · 17/03/2006 22:27

thomcat thank you yes it is helping.

The thing is I'm trying to get to the point where I will feel that this is my beloved baby we're talking about here, because with all the worry since my first scan seven weeks ago it has felt like there was no real baby just a "problem." So in a way I'm deliberately looking out for newborns at the moment to remind myself that no matter what this is what I'll have.

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Thomcat · 17/03/2006 22:43

Yes, and whoever he turns out to be, he is still your son right now, still needs his mummy to love him now. Have no idea if this is gonna come out like it's meant or is it'll have the same effect that feeling had on me, jusy gonna take the risk and hope it comes out as it's meant.

I know you are in a bad place right now, I know it feels shit. I know, i know I know, but whatever is going on in there, whoever he is, your son deserves your love - right now, this second, right now.

You can't prepare for the unknown all you can do is love this bump as much as is possible.

God I hope this is coming out right.

Someone said this to me, in a better way, when I was carryig Eve and was told things weren't looking good, and it helped SO much, I'm trying to do the same for you.

Original poster

emkana · 17/03/2006 22:45

Do you know I had been mumsnetting all evening and he was very quiet, didn't kick at all, then I went to spend some time with dh who put his hands on the bump and then he started kicking. That felt so lovely, like he was pleased that his daddy was there all of a sudden.

Dh is wonderful in all this actually, so confident that we will be okay, no matter what.

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Thomcat · 17/03/2006 22:47