Whats for the best?

[xmasevebundle]

Im 22weeks,19 and single.

Me and my ex broke up when i was 5w i ended it because he told me to get rid of it. Our relationship was coming to an end. We was together for 8 months and lived together for 5 months and even bought a dog. We no longer talk because of threats and arguments hes made towards me. He dont even no hes got a son.

Since then i dont go out i stay in, ive hardly got no friends.

My family do support me(i live with my mum and dad). I argue with my dad all the time going on for months and a few days he lost it and punched me in the head. So i am never talking to him again. Mum isnt too.

Yesterday she started shouting at me and now shes not having it. I said i will move out when the babys here. She said so your using us yet again(i pay my rent and buy my own food, clean up after myself).

She went mental, Ive always had problems when i was younger my brother abused me which i have only told my ex boyfriend and my close friend(she dont bother with me half the time) I left a school before i got kicked out and been bouncing from college to college l. My mum dont no about my brother as hes the perfect son, hes got a degree and my mum thinks the sun shines out his arse.

I do eat and i do love my son deeply even no hes not here. I have not been to the doctors i cant face anyone. I see the midwife not this next week and i feel i could breakdown.

Id have to move into a mother and baby unit which i dont care. I cant move until ive had my son whos due 24-12-12.

Sometimes i wish my son had a different mother as i feel for him, i cry because his dad dont want him and it breaks my heart.

I will give him the best in life and the love for him will be greater than anyone. When i get upset he gives me a kick and i stop crying.

Its not safe for you or the baby if your dad is violent, can you ask the maternal and child health nurse for a referral to a social worker for both you and your baby's well-being. You have the right to a safe home and to be treated with respect- this is basic human rights.

Can u do everything for your child's safety from now on. Can u go to see the Dr , so she can check for any problems like high blood pressure or gestational diabetes which may be a great risk to the baby's health and you will be taking responsibility for your health and baby's well-being an health.
There are support groups for young mums-ask the nurse so you can join one
Can you start going out so u feel part of the community, like joining/going to the local library to borrow DVDs/magazines and going to a cafe with your magazine/book to get some happy timeout for your well-being
Reach out for help, you and baby have every right to a happy future

I no this, i cant move out until the babys here. Im seeing my MW in 2 weeks and see what she says.

Im fed up, mum said i wont cope. It seems she wants me to stay there so she can see her grandson. I said if dads here when here born im gone!! I dont feel unsafe for him but if we get into a argument again i dont want my son seeing a fully grown man attack his daughter.

Im not perfect i admit we argue but i was shocked when he punched me. I felt so scared.

I did ask at 10w to go young mums. They said again but i feel so low i cant face going the MW said the women will ring so we can have 1-1 and when i feel okay ill go.

Its hard im on job seekers i left my job due to pregnancy. Im left with 42 for 2 weeks. I have to get food so i have 12 left which i spend on my son.

I had my MW wednesday my blood pressure is good.

You will only be 39 when your son is 20, you are so young which can be an advantage if you take hold of your life now and decide on what to study/work towards (part-time while caring for your son if you wish) to give you hope for your future. You can just volunteer once a week which would look great on your resume in the future. think about what you would like to help out with- you have much to offer, having struggled and yet still standing strong and doing what you can for your child in very difficult circumstances.

There are so many issues you are dealing with and I bet those reading your thread really hope you make something great of being a mum so young. Never give up, though I undertand you have much to be angry about with your parents unable to protect you from your brother's abuse. Your mum sounds like she wants to be there for you which is lovely-and you sound like you are very strong, going from school to school yet still have enough self esteem to tell your X to shove it when you knew you wanted this child.

wish I could send you baby clothes or help, but know that I admire your strength in standing up for what you want and hope you can work this out with help from the MW and others.

Hope you feel a little brighter today and that the Xmas eve bundle is kicking and making you smile!
x

That was a lovely reply.

I spoke to my mum and dad today, we argue alot. I feel very betrayed by what done to me while i was pregnant. It is hard sometimes.

I want him here so everything ive gave up for him is worth it(i no it is :) ). Im thebonly girl and the youngest in my family so i feel i have let my mum/dad down.

I have come to terms with it all but i am alot different than i am now when i met my ex, he changed me. Maybe because he was my first love and we did so much together moved in after 3 months, use to run him baths after his long days at work.

I am hairdresser but i dont want that anymore. I pain still hurts i joined the navy and was going to become and nurse and i met him.

I think it was the best choice not to go in other wise i wouldnt be having a son.

I spend all my money on my him Every 2 weeks i spend £20 pound on him, clothes, nappies, got him his first teddy which i bought out my birthday money.

People look down on me because im so young but yet i am trying for him and will do the best. Hes got the pram which is my room because i like too look at it :) and his moses basket and cotbed. My dad has paid for most of it. Ill get a 500 grant which will pay for his pram. I owe my dad the money at will have 210 left over which ill save.

After all this my ex earns 30k a year, £150 a day and cant buy his son NOTHING. Hes spent £130 on him.

Its not always about money or things but it does help a long way than make me struggle. But its a man boy.

I do feel alot better, he always kicks away hes a little git! Understand why im awake at 1.40am he thinks its playtime!!!

Does your X treat you kindly now that he realises you feel strongly about keeping the baby or is he still as angry? I am concerned that you have too many angry men in yr life and that is totally unacceptable, especially as a pregnant woman.
They need to get over their predjudice about young mums. They need to see the vulnerable young mother in front of them that has every right to expect nothing but kindness and gentleness from her family.
You know the song Papa Dont Preach by Madonna! I think prejudice about young mums should be long gone by now. Life happens.We can never know how we may feel until we are in the situation-not everyone feels OK about a pregnancy termination and very few have foolproof contraception. It is not for others to judge so those who u feel are looking down on you need to get a life and stop wasting their time on something perfectly acceptable and meant to be. Once u go to the young mums group you will very slowly build up friendships and support from some of the other young mums who will also need that support.

I used to buy gorgeous 2nd hand clothes for my babies, as babies don't wear out their clothes as much as older kids so they are still almost perfect 2nd hand.

Some of the loveliest people I've met are hairdressers!

Your baby is preparing you for the 3 hourly feeds a newborn needs for the first 3 months (then 4 hourly, etc) by waking you at night!! It's like a 24 hour milkbar for along while, which is Ok if you can sleep a little during the day when baby sleeps during the day!!

My and my ex dont talk. Last time we spoke over the phone he said his new gf will push my babys pram. I told him to f off and that he no PR.

We spoke on facebook about a month ago, he resents me but i dont care. If i could kill him or he died. Id be happy. Waste of space. He wants a DNA he nos i was faithful to him he was my first love and was not brought up that way.

Ive got 7 jeans, 5 dungarees so i just need tops now. I do see if they are any second hand stuff as hes just going to poo in them and grow out of them very quickly.

I am going to go young mums but i find it hard to trust people after what hes done.

I do think about the future, i dont want him to be like my ex and harsh as it sounds if he ever left a pregnant women like my ex has. Id disown him.

My ex could take it on but hes not man enough for it. Hes scum. He gets far more money than me. He earns in 1 day, what i get in 2 weeks.

I do enjoy it, was great meeting new people but its not the same anymore.

I do feel alot better talking to my mum and dad, i still think i will move out.

Sounds like you really are better off without yr X if he is not ready to take responsibility for you and your son.

You can and will meet someone gorgeous, when you least expect it. You deserve someone kind not someone so insensitive. But until then do something kind and gentle for yourself each and every single day. You could make a list of stuff you can treat yourself with, even small things, whatever you think of- be your best friend.

I am a lot better off without him. I hope i do, want a real man! I've already spotted some perfume i am getting when i get paid. A new me, new fresh scent :)

Saw my ex today he drove past me, he glared at my bump and me(i did look very nice though hair and make up with a big bump)

I never got any emotion at all, my head was held so high. i dont love him anymore. It just something there its the betrayel. So proud of myself, kept strong and it paid off.

If i saw him before 20 weeks i would of been sad, its really his loss not mine.

I'm 18 I lost my baby boy at 23weeks in April (I was 17 then). Since then Ive had 2 d&cs and pid. I also had another miscarriage last week at 7weeks... I'm coping, its just as hard as having a baby its hard to sleep and its emotionally hard.

What im trying to say is don't let people tell you that you won't be able to cope. I have no job but i want a kid... all that matters is that you love your kid.

If your in a home like that they should give you a house i no this because my old foster sister is living in a supported home.
due to abuse.

I think you'll be a great mum, just don't stress yoirself out its bad for the baby. Private message me if you need to. I know how it feels when people don't believe in you. X

You go girl!
your X glaring at your bump may show his inability to deal with being a Dad. Well, life happens and he needs to move on from boyhood and deal with the situation more responsibly.

I agree with Riley, you'll be a lovely mum!

Just to point something out. When I was pregnant with my first, I postponed doing a lot of things because I just felt so ill being pregnant. What I didn't realise was that having a newborn baby is a thousand times worse than being pregnant and I wasn't able to do anything. The pregnancy is a time of preparation so please do the preparation now and don't put anything off until after the birth. You will be beside yourself with sleepless nights, nappies, feeding etc after the birth. Good luck. x

so true.
it's a tough call being a mum to a newborn. Gorgeous to hold and love our new baby, but so hard to be sleep deprived, learning feeding,etc and sometimes isolated too. Many highs and lows in new mums moods are very normal for these reasons

building up friendships with young mums and older mums from your local group and community/home is so important as you will share that tough time together (may not be a good idea to private message any of us as we could be anyone!)

Made me think why am i even bothered about him, waste of oxygen. All the tears and heartache over nothing.

Got my MW next week and i do feel a lot better seeing him, proves everything i thought. He could of turned around and spoke to me, he didn't so thats his loss not mine. Im not ashamed, he should be.

I don't do anything expect go town 2 times a month. I like to stay in a have my own time, long baths and enjoy baking cakes :)

I do feel very protective of you and your new son as you are dealing with past abuse and I really hope totally no chance of further nasty episodes from your Dad? However, I should be fair and mention that your X (though no excuse for his anger and ignoring you) is behaving like many men would feel like behaving at his age.

As you said in an earlier post, lots of men dont really grow up until much older than women..Some will cope with babies/marriage in their late teens/twenties if their family back them up heaps... many wont cope with issues like an unexpected pregnancy.
Its possible that he has let his anger about not dealing with his new son take over (big time!). You said there he has been basically a total bastard so lots of water under the bridge now and it may feel like a long way from your happy times. Im sure he has lovely memories of your past (but is angry about having to cope with an unexpected new son, which is something he really needs to face and deal with respectfully) You and baby have every right to respect from everyone, there is no question of that.....see United Nations Declaration of Human Rights!!
Probably right to focus on YOU and BABY now as ANWEN3.. says,

A new perfume- a new you is a terrific start
You need lots more of that-
not new objects/things but new experiences, new outings, a new voluntary job, a new trustworthy, kind, gentle friend, above all a new gentleness and kindness to yourself and other mums

• a cute new (or secondhand) Dress/nailpolish!!!!

I am of him, hes so innocent has done nothing for his dad to do this.

He's always wanted children, i was pregnant 2 months before i was now,i lost it, i was sad but i do think everything happens for a reason.

Hes called the baby a bastard and said i hope it dies like that last one. I wont let him see his son over my dead body. I mean that to.

We did do everything together, i do have memories, but its replaced with so much anger towards him, he has mucked my head up. Trust is a big issue, i dont trust the MW its that bad. I talk to my bump if i'm sad.

He has a tattoo on him, I would say what his tattoo is but if anyone saw this it would be him. What it says is very true but he didn't stick to it.

The perfume is on its way, going to go shopping next week to for myself. I am saving up money when i get back skinny a whole new wardobe will make me happy :)

My dads fine he don't understand though, i am going to see how it is for a while when hes born if its the same i'll move out.

Long baths, making cakes are lovely hobbies What about volunteering at an animal shelter/old persons home/for the homeless/for something you have an interest in if you cant find hairdressing anywhere.... or try a few new hobbies out....anything.
Are u already taking pregnancy multivitamins for a healthy baby?v. important

when your X calls the baby a bastard, that's such a nasty out-dated word for a baby from unwed parents...you cant marry if you are always argueing...and he is part of the reason for that

crazy since you're not the first single mum ...again, its him not coping with being a Dad.

so much anger when he isn't coping..

Not worth listening if others are angry- their anger is about them getting their knickers in a knot as they cant handle the situation-their anger-their problem- Your X has his knickers in a knot as he cant handle the situation

tho its so upsetting, aim to never get angry back or it becomes your problem and better to keep it as their anger...not yours

-The new you can let others be angry alone- its their tantrum, not yours

I did a animal course at college with cows and sheep etc. It was lovely i left though, because of him. Thats the only thing i do regret is leaving that. I worked in a care home for a year, i left it got to much when the people died that i bonded with. I bake cake's for the peoples home where i use to live, they eat alot with there tea, they pay for the stuff and i make them. They love my cherry pies(so do i :))

He can't handle it as i've gone agaisnt what he wanted and can't control the situation. He said he hates me and everything. It is very cruel, did i want it like this? No i wanted a home for him with 2 parents his dad didn't want that.

This year on christmas day, i will have a son or be overdue. If you told me this last year and said we wouldn't be together. Id laugh in your face. Still happy about it all wouldn't change it for the world!!!

IS there any sort of women's shelter service in your area? A lot of larger cities have safe places for younger women with family/relationship/maternity problems to go and live with a heck of a lot of support. It won't do you or your baby any good to stay in a demoralising atmosphere, but only you can make that sort of decision. Just try not to put anything off that you can be doing now because moving out is ten times harder with a baby.

Yes, what is the safest living arrangement with the best support and care for you and your baby son's welfare?
Very difficult, but you need to consider that although yr X has emotionally hurt you greatly, he will be legally entitled to see yours and his baby son, and how you can protect yourself from further hurt from him. This is where the women's shelters are very strong about protecting you if you choose that option. Wont hurt to discuss now with a shelter how you can deal with a verbally aggressive, hurtful X when baby comes. You can be annonymous and get advice, they are always there to protect you. You have every right to their support

You sound very determined and that is in your favour, so you can calmly stand your ground when you need to.
So, you are a cook, hairdresser... you're already set to care for baby's afternoon tea treats and to cut his hair when he's older! Bet baby will love your cherry pies when he's a big boy, too! Making me hungry.

I found this on google for you

Outreach workers free phone 08082000247
-meet you in your home or in a discreet place in the community near you
-provide free help for pregnant young mums in

1. housing applications 2)free legal support (to help sort out your and your X's entitlements with baby) 3)help build confidence and independence so you can make a good start for you and baby 4)budgeting/help to find work+lots more

you can ask about getting another MW who doesnt know your X's mum (tell them what you told me yr X said about the baby)
also dont know yr area (Im not in UK ) but there are
teenage pregnancy midwifes in UK-
call childline 08001111 (for teens and kids) and ask

My job seeker helper nos my ex not my MW. I have told my MW anything. I doubt he will ask to see the baby, hes sly though

I have asked for things even said he would put money into my account which i cant, i would have to declare it to the goverment.

I have said to him you can see the baby with me present because he WILL take the baby to see his mother. He refused. I always tried to sort it out.

He has let me down and ive asked him to get me nappies and wipes he said yeah that was way other a month ago. So its all going wrong for him not me. Even said the baby wont go without when hes born, so i have to buy EVERYTHING.

He said i go ahead and buy stuff. Yet he said hes saving up money each month 100 or more and eats at his mums. Then says to me oh i cant pluck money out the air. Hes a liar.

He wont have any rights unless he takes me to court, wont be on BC.

I dont like living here but for now its my only option, the shelter is about 2 hours away the nearest one. The council are no help at all. I want to move out when hes born, i feel everyone is imposing what i want for my son. He wants to have this and wear that its no object. I want to raise the way i thinks right not my mum and dads input.

She said if hes crying she will go pick him up, it pisses me off i have told her. Its there first granchild. Thats mainly why i want to move. I can do things for myself e.g cook and clean. It would be hard but at least im raising him no-one else.

I see my MW wednesday and i will explain everything to her, i had to go again as i was so upset about it all. Im 23w so only 17 weeks to go.

Ultimately, can you look to what will give you and your child the most happiness,

Can you aim not to pay back/ annoy the child's Dad, but to make peace with yourself, accept what you cant change from the past and make the best of your time with your child. I really love Michael Jackson's song "Man In The Mirror"- "I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm looking to change his ways.. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change.." This would make you one step ahead of yr X and not angry or paying back, but accepting what happened in the past. In other words dont try to change what cant be changed. Might not be yr fav music, but that guy knew what was so true.

My sister took 10 years to accept that she couldnt control what her X and his mum did when they had her child.. She wasted years being really upset every time the baby was with his family. If you can see now that yr X or his mum can never have control of what you do so they will never win at trying to , maybe you can see its the same for you, you cant control what they do. You can influence what they do far more by being fair, the court will look kindly on you if/when you need to work out a fair deal in court. Can you get legal help now from an outreach worker and then you could let the court battle it out when time comes. See ph above 08082000247 I really hope you have only the best happy and peaceful times for you and your baby boy.

Its your decision, but not putting yr X on the BC wont change who the child's Dad is, but you have the power to move beyond your anger about your X to make a really wonderful future for your baby boy.

Its not your fault your X partner has been threatening and verbally abusive.
Its not your fault your brother sexually abused you
Its not your fault your Dad physically abused you

I really admire you for your fighting spirit in wanting to fight back against your abusive X-partner. Can you keep that spirit to aim to be the best single mum your baby boy could ever hope for

I have to a point i have accepted it. I no longer love him, he brainwashed me then i hit me.

I am not the same bubbly fun loving person i use to be. Im very protective of myself. When you give someone your heart and trust and they crush it. Changes you so much.

I want him out my life, he said he dont want anything to do with his son bar paying money. Its fine with me, i would not want to raise my son with him.

My son will have a lovely life and will have the best and i will love him so much i already do.

Thank you for all your adivce and talking to me, its really helped me to understand it in another persons view.

You are welcome...
Oh darl, You sound sad and I hope all this heavy talk hasn't dragged you down. DONT FORGET we all have suffered disappointment in love. Can you see that although one door has closed, that has made room for another to open. Its OK to close the door to yr last relationship so that now the door starts to open for a new beautiful you, free from being put down by your X partner and one day open to a new kind and loving partner.

Your baby boy will have a lovely mum who has never given up on loving himx
Good luck for a beautiful day for you two!!