Pregnant (1st) and huge second thoughts

[CityDweller]

I'm new on this site as I just found out I'm 5 wks. Background is that I'm in very happy marriage, we've been together ages, I'm 36, he's early 40s, and have a life we love. Money is ok, but not much left over each month. I've never been maternal (I find children, even ones I'm related to, mostly boring and annoying - sorry if that offends) and my husband is ambivalent. But, seeing ALL my friends and our siblings have kids made me begin to wonder if we were missing out on something - that extra emotional dimension to life that a child seems to bring. And I worried about becoming one of those slightly emotionally distant childless women (dykwim???). But I've never felt the 'baby urge' and there's very little I envy about the lives of my friends/siblings with children.

Anyway, we thought we felt ready to come off contraception and let nature take its course, comfortable with whatever happens (happy if it did, but not desperate, so to speak). Now I'm pregnant and we're totally angst-ridden. Terrified at the changes to our life, not sure we want to make sacrifices for a child we don't even know if we want, depressed that we can't afford to raise a child with the same advantages that we were lucky enough to have as we grew up, terrified that we might have a disabled or learning-difficulties child we wouldn't be able to cope with. But I'm also scared of deciding to end this pregnancy.

I've spent a long time reading a couple of other threads about people regretting having children and it's put the fear into me big time. Many of them sounded, like me, unsure whether or not to have kids, did it because they thought they should, and are now miserable. But, my friends all say it's the best thing they've ever done, despite the challenges.

Am I just experiencing usual pregnancy jitters and concerns or should I take my misgivings as a genuine sign that I shouldn't mess with a good thing (ie our life right now). I know we should have already resolved these questions before allowing pregnancy to become a possibility, but we did genuinely feel we'd be fine with whatever happened.

Yes it is normal to panic when the test comes out as positive. It's normal to be unsure and feel unprepared.
I had similar thoughts, we got off contraception and said we take what we get. And we struck lucky at first attempt, I was shocked and happy, paranoid and doubtful, anxious and guilty.
It's normal. I used to hate kids, loud ones, nosy ones, crying ones and found them quite annoying. I was nice to the ones I am related to but not especially maternal/motherly.

And. Everything has changed. I don't think I have ever felt such strong love for anything or anyone. You give birth, you learn to love luke never before. Of purse there will be things you will miss, there will be times you will question your sanity, times when you feel like the manager if a major celeb who rules your life. But, and there is a but, a child brings happiness, love and brightness and thinking that nothing else quite can.

Congratulations. And welcome to the club of wonderers and thinkers!

Also - and please don't take this the wrong way - but do you think you are generally quite a highly strung person. You mentioned about freaking out in bed last night. I do understand you are concerned and so is DH but do you think you are both winding each other up a bit?

I say this a highly strung worrier myself. I'm very lucky in that my DH is very calm and also tends to see the big picture which I can sometimes lose sight of so he is good at calming me down and helping me to work out what things are genuine concerns and what things are less so and more based on my need to control and fear of losing my tight grip!

We were much the same. To be honest we pretty much decided we were not going to have our own family but then, we celebrated our 15th aniversary, I was 36 and suddenly very reflective, and I realised how fast time had gone by and how old we were - and it was now or never... I came off the pill, to let nature take its course, and was pregnant within days. I was petrified!

Suffice to say we are looking forward to our second baby now just after we celebrate our 18th anniversary! We are beyond excited, all those doubts and anxieties with the first gone... So I now see there is a reason why people have children and then have more and more, it is mostly utterly joyous and fantastic fun (also brutally hard work, and so another compelling reason to have them younger in my view!)

Not only do I thoroughly recommend family life, I rather wish someone had told me just how lovely it was to have and raise your own little ones, I just saw all the anguish and hard work and stress when I observed other parents. I think it would have been a big big family for me if I had started earlier.

perfectworlds your experience is encouraging. One of my fears is that life as I know and love will end, and be replaced by frustrations and sleepless nights and tedious domestic tasks and that I will become identified as a mother above everything else. It's good to hear that isn't necessarily the case.

iloveberries because we thought, after many years of thinking and talking about it, we would be happy to be pregnant if it happened to happen. Turns out we're not. I see how that could be hard to empathize with from your position and believe me, I feel terribly for friends who are desperate for kids but struggle to conceive. Life is horribly unfair, and definitely more so for you than me.

citysdweller it seems to me that you made a conscious decision to have a baby when you and your dh stopped using contraception. And now your pg youre surprised and full of anxiety - seems pretty strange to me - stop contraception and get pregnant isn't that how it's meant to work?

As someone who has one through multiple miscarriages I doubt you would really want to have one if you had any real inkling of the emotional and physical pain you would have to go through. The after effects of constantly wondering why and finding yourself with tears running down your face for no obvious reason is not one I would wish on you.

It seems to me that you wanted to 'have a go' and now it worked your'e panicking well that's not unusual lots of us have felt similarly. Even me - after all my miscarriages we decided not to subject ourselves to any more pain (we already had a ds) but earlier ths year I found myself pg at 43! I cried when I found out I couldn't face another mc nor did I relish the idea of starting over again. However I know I couldn't live with the guilt of a termination so it was never an option, my baby is arriving in 3 weeks and I'm now excited.

At 36 your days of getting pregnant easily are I'm afraid definitely limited so you're dh's idea of terminating and having another go in a year or so may not be so easily achieved.

Whatever you decide to do it will affect you for ever, I know the joy a child can bring but only you can decide if it's for you.

btw...Congratulations!!!

shinyblackgrape not highly strung, but I do over think things. A lot.

ivananap yup, I think the hormones are whackadoodle at the moment, making the over thinking worse.

Btw, thank you everyone so much for your responses. It is so helpful to hear your thoughts and opinions on this.

I also (with my first) stopped contraception so we could obv conceived and I know it's sounds really dumb but u do kinda think it won't happen it's almost like a dare like oh I bet I can't get pregnant but when it happens it's like oh no! What have we done ! This is bad. But loads of people as they e said above have those doubts even with my third I came in here and asked for the same advise and I already have 2 children! I agree with the above you are 36 so consider your choice carefully because as you get closer to 40 it could obviously be harder to conceive so quickly .

It sounds like a really scary time for you and your OH.

I was ttc for 2 years before I became pregnant, we were just about to have IVF. I am very very maternal and work with kids, in every way I felt ready to have a baby.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was compleatly numb, I wasn't happy I wasn't even relieved I just felt a feeling of emptyness I had never felt before. I was so confused all my focus for 2 years had been on getting pregnant and now I was I felt nothing.

We had an early scan at 6ish weeks and saw the baby's heartbeat, it was emotional because I didn't think my body could actually be pregnant but I was happy that I managed to get pregnant rather than feeling any bond with the blob on the scan. I have always been pro choice but I never thought I would be able to abort a baby because I assumed I wouldn't be emotionally strong enough but lieing there looking at the blob I thought to myself I would feel no sadness if I was to abort this pregnancy (I didn't consider that as I knew I wanted a baby I just felt very odd at the time.)

It was only at my 12 week scan where the baby was hopping around my womb that I actually started to feel any bond with it.

My point is that even the most planned and wanted pregnancies can feel a little alien in the early days.

Good luch with your decision making, be gentle with each other.

I found out I was pregnant two years ago. It was a relatively new relationship and unplanned. I had always felt similarly to you City: scared shitless! I like kids but have never been really broody. I had a good job but no really money, unstable housing situation but a supportive bf but he lived 200 miles away.

For a few months I looked at abortion and with the sickness and sheer terror I was feeling was dreading it. Every problem seemed too big to deal with. Like you, I hoped for a miscarriage so I didn't have to decide.

But then I started to feel better about it all. The bf planned to move and we started to get excited. I saw it as a challenge! I started really looking forward to it. I was suddenly ecstatically happy. It was the happiest I've ever felt about myself and my body. Sadly I had the miscarriage anyway at 12 weeks. I was devastated.

There will never be a right time. If it's not right now it won't be in two years. Give yourself a few weeks to think it over. You have plenty of time to decide, and even if you get to 40 weeks still not being sure, you'll be a great mum anyway. You sound smart and considerate and kind.

City dweller
I think you need to give it some time. I got pregnant accidentally when I was 30. On reflection I realise my husband and I were not being careful enough to prevent pregnancy but we weren't sure enough that we wanted kids to openly try.

I was wracked with fear and indecision, not about terminating but about whether the baby would ruin my life and whether I would bond with them. I also felt that I would be relieved if I miscarried. My main fear was that I would have a child with learning or behavioural difficulties.
I didnt enjoy the pregnancy as I felt the baby was invading my body, but as time went on i realised i was excited to meet my baby. I unwittingly bonded with my pregnancy!

When he was born, I didn't feel the overwhelming love, that came slowly over a few days has but I did feel as protective as a lioness. I found my own way, often rejecting anything mumsy and I found other women who wanted to retain their independence.

My son has now been diagnosed with ADHD, ASD and Dyslexia, my worst fear. I won't whitewash it, it can't be incredibly hard but he has vastly enriched my life. He's funny, bright and absolutely unique.

I've since then had multiple miscarriages starting from aged 36 trying for another and have been unsuccessful. I think back now to my original ambivalence when pregnant with my son and I realise I would have been deeply upset if I'd miscarried, it's an awful experience for any woman.

Miscarriage gives no closure, just a feeling of loss. If anything it would be more likely to make you want a child more. It's your bodies natural reaction.

Sorry for the ramble, I guess what I'm trying to say is it's early days, sit with your feelings for a while. Get used to the idea.
Even if you did have a child with disabilities, you will love them equally and you will find you have resources you didn't know you had.

'Ecstatically happy' might be a bit strong, actually. I was content! The hardest part once I decided to sit back and go with it was laying off the wine!

One thing to add to my earlier post, years ago when I was convinced kids were not for me, ever, for many of the same reasons as you, someone said something quite thought provoking to me. He was a colleague, with two adopted children, a very smart guy and not at all coochy coo around kids.

The way he put it was if you over analyse the situation the logical balance will never fall in favour of having kids. They are expensive, messy, noisy, wreck your social life, and the costs on a tangible level way exceed the benefits. However, what they bring to your life is immeasurable, intangible, and irreplaceable. He described it as a kind of completeness, love and focus, something bigger than him or his wife or the two of them and fundamentally precious. These were adopted children, not his own blood, and he still felt that way.

I have heard similar from another friend, a staunch career woman who never really wanted kids, until the point she found she could not have them. 5 years later after numerous years of IVF she has her wonderful twins. They mean everything to her, but she has not given up her career, or travel, or her social life. She fits things round her children, has maintained her individual identity as more than 'just a mum'. She would never be without them.

Lots of things to think about, and I wish you well with your decision. I don't think any on here has a right to judge you if you choose a termination, and if that is right for you then that is right for you. Don't be too analytical in your thought process though, and think outside the box.

not highly strung, but I do over think things. A lot.

Oh this is me to a T. And like you I found it quite hard to get enthusiastic about children - I think as a result of overthinking. All logic said it was a dumb idea, who wants to spend years cleaning up after someone else rather than doing exactly what I feel like doing? However, I had just enough hormones to push me over the line to TTC.

It took me a while to get pregnant and I think that helped me be sure it was what I wanted - I went from being ambivalent to desperate to see those 2 lines. (of course that could just have been the desire to achieve pregnancy rather than desire for children... there I go overthinking again )

The thing is that all the disadvantages of having children are painfully obvious before you have them - all the drudge work, annoying behaviour etc is visible from those around you. What is not obvious, indeed not visible, is the love that those parents feel for their children.

Deciding to have children requires faith that that love will appear and will outweigh the crap compromises. This is especially hard for logical, overthinker types. We are not used to going on faith. We are used to making decisions based on evidence we can see. And the benefits just can't be seen until the child is there.

Do you have friends with children? Have you talked to them about how they feel about their children? Perhaps you should - and once you have that further "evidence" (as it were) of the benefits, you can make a more informed decision?

Just seen panic's post - I think we are making much the same point!

I'm another one who ditched the contraception in a spirit of 'lets see what happens, it might take years', only to get pregnant at the first opportunity. To be honest, I had doubts to start with, and if I'd known it would happen so quickly we might have waited a while. But then two weeks later I had some bleeding and when I went for the scan realised I wanted to see that heartbeat more than anything.

I still have moments of panic, when I wonder how we will get everything done before baby arrives, whether we are ready to be parents yet (despite being in our 30's), whether I will be a terrible mother. But I think that is totally normal and everyone just muddles through.

I think part of the problem is your choice is between a known and an unknown, if that makes sense. You know how good your life is now - travel, nights out, etc. But however hard you try, you can't truly imagine what life with children will be like. It is therefore impossible to make a logical decision and you have to go with what your heart (or hormones) tell you.

My feeling is that you should be 100% sure if you decide to terminate, as it is something you could potentially really regret.

Citydweller I totally empathise with worrying you'll lose your identity & be 'mum' - I fear this too. I take heart looking at my best friend, who has a two year old - she went back to work at 9 months & said being a mother has been great for her career, she really values what she has at work & having a child has changed her worldview, making it easier to tease out what's important at work & focus, and preventing her taking work worries home & procrastinating. Her career is going from strength to strength when at one point during mat leave she didn't think she could handle going back. So I think there are positive stories out there, sadly the media loves to make SAHM's and working mums alike feel bad about their choices so we don't get to hear them very often
As others have said though ultimately you and your DH need to do what is best for you, hope some of this experience sharing has helped!

Sorry but I really don't think its ok to ask a bunch of total strangers on the internet to decide on the fate of your baby. I see that a lot of kind people have shared their experiences with you, but their experiences are not yours and are never going to be yours. I think this is something you must discuss with your partner at great length and possibly rl friends and maybe even a professional counsellor. I hope this doesn't sound harsh or dismissive, I just think there are some decisions you really need to own as an individual.

Mintyy I'm not asking strangers to decide for me! I'm using this forum to articulate my feelings and to canvass those of others.

Thank you everyone for your wise and supportive word and for so generously sharing your experiences. I can't tell you how helpful this has been for me. minipie we sound very similar in the way we think - I'm way too over-analytical and have a fear, ai think, of being emotionally 'out of control'. Your and panicmnotanymore's comments make such sense and are incredibly helpful. I shall try to switch off the logic part of brain and really listen to what I feel...

Minty, I think she just wants to feel less alone. Pretty harsh that.

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for advice from strangers. Easier than asking people you know as people will be more objective.
When I found out I was pregnant, it was a huge shock. I am also 36, and single (the father is an ex). I had more than a few moments of panic as I was never sure I wanted kids. One of my friends said to me that I only knew what I was going to lose through motherhood, not what I was going to gain.
And I think that is right. I am now 32 weeks, doing it on my own, and still have the odd what am I doing panic, but I do know it was the right thing for me to continue with the pregnancy.
Only you know if this is right for you or not but I wish you all the best. If I had never had kids, my life would be just as worthwhile, probably more exciting in some ways - there are many ways to make a life and we are lucky these days that we can choose to do it whatever way we want on the whole.

One of the most useful aspects of an internet forum is that people feel free to spill their inner most feelings in an anonymous setting. I share things on here I would never tell anyone in RL, and I learn from others who are doing the same. People can ask what they want, and take away what they want, and I don't think CityDweller is in anyway taking the comments on here as a gospel script to follow. She is an intelligent woman making her own decision.

Best of luck with your decision City.

Polly - i remember your initial posts when you found out you were pg (at least i think i do!)

great that you have made the decision you feel comfortable with. What your friend said was very wise. Congrats to you :)

Sorry for the hijack OP! Good luck too