Pregnant (1st) and huge second thoughts

[CityDweller]

I'm new on this site as I just found out I'm 5 wks. Background is that I'm in very happy marriage, we've been together ages, I'm 36, he's early 40s, and have a life we love. Money is ok, but not much left over each month. I've never been maternal (I find children, even ones I'm related to, mostly boring and annoying - sorry if that offends) and my husband is ambivalent. But, seeing ALL my friends and our siblings have kids made me begin to wonder if we were missing out on something - that extra emotional dimension to life that a child seems to bring. And I worried about becoming one of those slightly emotionally distant childless women (dykwim???). But I've never felt the 'baby urge' and there's very little I envy about the lives of my friends/siblings with children.

Anyway, we thought we felt ready to come off contraception and let nature take its course, comfortable with whatever happens (happy if it did, but not desperate, so to speak). Now I'm pregnant and we're totally angst-ridden. Terrified at the changes to our life, not sure we want to make sacrifices for a child we don't even know if we want, depressed that we can't afford to raise a child with the same advantages that we were lucky enough to have as we grew up, terrified that we might have a disabled or learning-difficulties child we wouldn't be able to cope with. But I'm also scared of deciding to end this pregnancy.

I've spent a long time reading a couple of other threads about people regretting having children and it's put the fear into me big time. Many of them sounded, like me, unsure whether or not to have kids, did it because they thought they should, and are now miserable. But, my friends all say it's the best thing they've ever done, despite the challenges.

Am I just experiencing usual pregnancy jitters and concerns or should I take my misgivings as a genuine sign that I shouldn't mess with a good thing (ie our life right now). I know we should have already resolved these questions before allowing pregnancy to become a possibility, but we did genuinely feel we'd be fine with whatever happened.

I can't tell you how you feel, it may be that this isnt right for you. I can tell you that I felt exactly the same, I seriously considered abortion and couldn't bare the idea that this little person was going to change everything and forever. I wasn't particularly bothered about children and wouldn't have described myself as maternal.

DD is now 6 months old, and although it didn't go to plan (she arrived at 26 weeks and was in SCBU) I wouldn't change it for the world. My family have all expressed surprise at how good I am with her and how much I seem to be enjoying it, and I am. They are actually quite offensive in their surprise! I'm still not bothered by other peoples kids, had my neice for the weekend just gone and couldn't wait for her to leave!!

Follow your heart, only you can know what's for you but I think it's really normal to have doubts during pregnancy.

HTH

I have never been maternal, and always said I didn't want children. When I discovered I was pregnant, due to the unfavourable circumstances I am in I seriously considered termination. BUT, I couldn't do it. Once you see the heart beat on the scan it will become more than a theoretical thing, it will become very real to you. There is a maternal bond, you will feel it. I never believed I would, and I did, very strongly.

I think it is normal to worry and regret everything you are giving up, but there is so much more to it than that. As older parents you will have the advantage of being more settled in your own skin, and well placed to cope, with a circle of friends around you who have been there, done that, and will be able to advise and hand hold. As for financial advantages, the richest kids aren't the happiest.

At 36 you are not that old, and there are tests available for disabilities so cross that bridge if you come to it, and you probably won't. But, don't forget that your fertility may be dropping off so children at a later date may not be a possibility.

Good luck - make the decision that is right for you and you only. You have the rest of your life to live, and whatever you decide you need to be sure, and have no regrets.

I really feel for you. You are not alone. I had a similar reaction after becoming pregnant for the first time at 37 - I was very happy with my career and life and scared of changing that, terrified of having a child with health problems in particular, and not sure I could cope. I seriously considered termination for a while. Everyone said I was not maternal at all (and I felt that too)! I became a bit depressed, and was afraid I would regret this and provide a terrible life for the baby too. The cruel irony was I lost that baby at 26 weeks to pre-eclampsia (by which point I had felt a lot better about the idea). I felt that my fears of pregnancy had been very much justified though.

Afterwards, there was no doubt in my mind how much I had really wanted her - it was a very tough harsh way for me to find out I did really want a child. I had my DD2 (much wanted) 18 months later. I am now pregnant with DD3 although I've found it difficult again this time too. The truth for me was I just did not know at the time whether I wanted a child or not, and I felt I could not know until she/he arrived. I've been like that with having a second too, but think I will be ok when she arrives. Its hard at the time though. At least know you are definitely not alone in this.

Thank you all so much. It helps a lot to know I'm not an evil freak of nature for feeling the way I do.

Everytime I think we've made a decision either way my inner voice screams 'no' and I'm back to square one.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn't physically able to get pregnant as then the future would be determined for me and I know I'd be fine with it and could just get on with life regret-free. But another part of me thinks I should have this baby, because I can and I shouldn't give in to my deep (emotional, practical) fears.

Hi there

I haven't been in your situation but have seen people in similar and can relate to certainaspects....

First off, basically, however you feel now, if you decide to carry on with the pregnancy, you WILL love your child when it is born, and wont be able to imagine life without it. Sorry, I cant tell you how you will feel, but from what i have seen/read/experienced, when the baby comes out, it tends to all right itself. seriously. stop reading the 'miserable' experiences, they are few and far between compared to the millions of people who's worlds suddenly arent just happy, but are filled with light and love (no, im not into god even if it sounds that way).

Secondly, anyone with kids would be lying if they said there werent times where it would be nice to be just the two of you. these are normally fixed with a night out.

Thirdly, at this point you have chosen to create a life, and whether you choose to continue or not with the pregnancy, this event will be part of you. I have had a termination for abnormalities, and two years on from that with a healthy little boy here beside me, i hurt from my heart when i think of it. again, i cant tell you how you will feel, but i would be surprised if you went on to make that choice and it didnt haunt you to a lesser or greater extent. sorry if this sounds like emotional blackmail, but i live with a choice i have made and would urge you to have some counselling or something if you are set on this. too many people have abortions and live to regret them.

I think it is normal to be scared of the changes pregnancy and having a child will wreak on your life, and not at all sure those changes will be for the best.

For most women that scaredness is outweighed by the feeling that they (for some unknown illogical reason!) really want a child.

If you don't have that feeling, it is a very very difficult decision. Yo uare basically gambling on the chance that you will want the child once they are here. The vast majority do - but not all.

I also don't think it's true that you will necessarily regret a termination - though I think if you are not certain it's right, that makes regret more likely.

As a test: how would you feel if you had a miscarriage next week? Relieved? Disappointed?

I've never like other peoples kids I still don't really I don't hate them but don't have that lovely mumsy thing with kids but I love my own to death! I'm not one of these mums that does all that arty stuff and cake baking and pottery and seem like the perfect mum but we have fun ! I dnt really enjoy the tiny baby thing either but I wouldn't b without them. And now if they are at my mums for a weekend I'm itching to get them back as I can't imagine now what on earth we did before we had them ! I get so bored ad the house is so damn quiet without them.

Go for it everyone naturally just knows what to do with their own ! D

That's a question I've been asking myself minipie. Much as I hate to admit it, I think I'd be relieved if I miscarried as then the decision would be taken out of my hands and I know I'd feel circumspect about the whole thing. But deciding to terminate feels like another matter entirely, for some reason. Or maybe it's not??

I cried for 2 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. And not for joy. I didn't know what to do. Then I began to bleed. And then I knew regardless of my fear and dread that I wanted this baby. I was still nervous all the way through pregnancy. I doubted my skills as being a mother. My role model hadn't been up to scratch.

When my baby was born I loved him. I still had huge doubts about me. But I loved him. He is 7 now. We bumble along. I am not the worlds best mum but I try and I love him, he loves me. And then I had another baby....

It was a huge change for me having a baby. But it's been a great adventure and I am sooooo happy to be a mum to my boys.

Hmmm... I do think it's different in your case, because the reason you'd feel relieved after a mc is because of not having to make the decision, not because you'd no longer be pregnant. If you'd said "I'd feel relieved to no longer be pregnant" then the two would be more similar...

If you miscarried, do you think you would "try but not try" again?

I never wanted children. I was not a maternal person, I never liked other people's kids, I was happy with my life and being able to do whatever I wanted without having to justify it to anyone else. Me and (now) DH had been together just 6 months when I fell pregnant despite being on the pill (had relied on it over 10 years prior to this with not even a scare!).

I was terrified, I wanted an abortion but there was a part of me that knew it didn't feel like the right thing for me to do. DH proposed to me (we had already discussed marriage and were talking about getting married around 12 months down the line to have a chance to save up for a big wedding). We agreed to marry no matter what we decided with the baby.

When I was around 8 weeks pregnant I started bleeding. That was when it stopped being some unwanted, unplanned, terrifying little accident; and started being my baby. I was so scared something was going wrong, I sobbed because I couldn't stand to lose my baby, the one who I hadn't been sure about keeping only hours before.

I went for an emergency scan, and saw the tiny heartbeat. I knew then that I wanted this baby more than anything else in the world. Me and DH got married when I was 3 months pregnant, I love that DS is in my wedding pics but at the time no one knew :)

DS is now 17 months old, and I love him with a fire so much it scares me at times. Yes it's been hard, we have hardly no money spare but the bills get paid and there's a little bit left over for treats. Me and DH are closer than ever, we do try to get a babysitter at least once a month so we can be mr and mrs Rockchick rather than mama and dada, which helps keep us sane. We are planning another baby now.

I still don't really like other people's kids tho

Hi,

Just to share, I fell pregnant unexpectedly and went between wanting and abortion, to wanting to keep the baby. I remember thinking I'd be so relieved if I had a miscarriage, as the choice would then be out of my hands. When I hit 24 weeks I remember having mild panic attacks as it was beyond the abortion cut off, and even though at that point we'd long decided to keep the baby, I was petrified. I have never been maternal. However when my little girl arrived I was so happy we'd kept her, I adore her to pieces, and while I still can't deal with other peoples kids, I couldn't imagine not having kept her, and we're now planning number 2.

Anyway I just wanted to say that what you ate feeling sounds exactly like what I went through, and the even if you decide to keep the baby, be prepared to get panicky at times x

Citydweller you aren't weird. I'm 33, DH is 39 and we'd discussed children rather abstractly but weren't actively trying for a baby. (though we weren't too careful!) when I found out at 5 weeks DH was overjoyed, but all I could think of was the end of our nice life, travel, ruining my body with the pregnancy, ruining my hard won career (practicalities mean I may not be able to go back to work). I am not maternal & really upset DH by being angry and resentful for the next few weeks!
I'm now nine weeks & feeling better, in part because I look at friends with children & see it can be done & life isn't over, in part because we had a scare last week & the overwhelming feeling of relief when I saw all was OK made me realise I do care about this baby if you'd asked me before I would have said that I would not have been upset to mc as life was good before, but it's not actually how I felt
Good luck with whatever you decide, just wanted to share that you are not alone!

It's hard to explain that I don't doubt I'd love my child and I think my husband and I would be perfectly decent parents. But that doesn't necessarily mean I want to be one, or would be happier as one. In fact, I worry the positives would not outweigh the negatives, and the sacrifices not feel worth it, for me. But maybe that's just fear of the unknown talking?

minipie for some reason the decision whether to keep the baby has become a decision about whether to have kids at all, something I've agonized over for years. My husband suggested we terminate and try again in a year or two, but for some reason I think I have to choose btw keeping this baby or just committing to not having them at all. Our reasons to not have kids now will not magically go away in a year or two. Our incomes won't go up much and I can't see my general indecisiveness changing. So if we can't go through with this one, when will we be able to?? So, to answer you, if I miscarried I could imagine trying again at a later date (just as we tried this time, in an ambivalent kind of way). If I terminate, I can't imagine trying again as I don't think I'd trust the feeling we had this time, and I'm sure would have again of 'happy if it does, fine if it doesn't' Cos clearly we not 'happy that is has'.

Me and my husband had chided not to have children . At 28 I unexpectantly found I was pregnant . I considered a termination but decided to see what happened . What will be and all that ..
Fast forward 8 years and my daughter is just the best thing that has ever happened to me . I also have a little blue munchkin too although it took me a few years to be brave enough to do it again ( i don't do pregnancy or birth v well ) ... Yes it's life changing but in a good way . I also surprised myself and my family what a great mum I am . Don't beat yourself up about it .

Many of the sentiments expressed by the OP i can truely identify with. Having found myself with an unplanned pregnancy at 38 I was utterely terrified and came to mumsnet for help! I too felt totally fearful about many of the things you described and wondered if i was doing the right thing proceeding. I went for an early private scan to clarify dates as fell PG whilst on OCP. When i saw the heartbeat my world turned upside down and i knew that we would give our baby the best life we possibly could and the fears literally melted away. Unfortunately i miscarried last week and the sense of emptyness is overwhelming. I tortured myself for the first few days that my early feelings of uncertainty contributed to the MC but i understand that this isnt the case.
I feel truely priveliged to have been given the gift of pregnancy albeit unplanned and am deeply sad that the heartbeat stopped and our journey together was so brief.
Only you know the depths of your soulful feelings, all i would say is that it is so easy to let fear and irrationality overtake in a situation we are unfamiliar with. Take a deep breath, literally step back and wait for the panic to ease..sometimes talking to someone unknown will help, so dont be afraid to share your fears with someone in person, sometimes this makes it more real and the decision comes naturally thereafter xxxxxx

All this 'you will love your child' is very nice, and probably completely true. But regardless of whether you will love your child... and I'm sure you will / would... if it's not what you want, then it is absolutely fine for you to terminate. All that matters is what you want. It's fine to not want kids.
To repeat others though, doubts are totally normal. I feel sad that it'll never be just me and my hubby again, that we can't just pop to the pub as easily or go off for a weekend away.But with the fear is also excitement.
What are your partner's thoughts?

When I found out I was pregnant, I stood in the bathroom shaking, staring at the test. My first thoughts were "now you've gone and done it". Not quite how it appears in films then!

I'd never held a baby before DS was born but I wouldn't be without him now. He's been huge amounts of hard work but is also great fun and a joy to be with and to watch developing.

IvanaNap I agree. That's why a decision to terminate is, for me, a decision to never have children.

Londonmrss He's probably leaning more towards terminating, but his logic is that we'd try again in a year or two. However, last night we had a long talk and felt we'd decided to have baby. Then I started freaking out big time in bed last night and, basically, haven't stopped. But, generally we both have the same misgivings. Ironically, when I met him 12 years ago he was all for kids. But he tends to pick up on my wants and desires, so I think my continued ambivalence + seeing how hard parenthood looks from the outside with our friends and siblings, has totally swung him the other way.

I wasn't sure, like many other posters, that I wanted a baby when I got pregnant - I was so un-maternal and focussed on my work that people assumed it was an accident (it wasn't). But I was terrified and convinced we'd done the wrong thing for months, and had a lot of the thoughts you are having, although by about 6 months pg I was resigned to it. I still don't like children much, and I think a lot of the motherhood stuff is cliches which we are 'expected' to feel. But I have a beautiful baby and although there are days when I just want to get on with some work and not have to look after him, it's fine. It's so much better than I expected. Not only is my life not over, I actually have more enthusiasm for many things, and have this feeling that I can do anything I want to, and in fact have taken up new hobbies, made new friends and started new business project since I had him (9 months ago). I know this isn't how it is for everyone, OP, but do take heart that so many people have found it such a positive experience against their expectations!

OP have you considered adoption as opposed to termination? You seem ambivalent and it's not a decision that anyone would want to make in haste. This would give you time to decide if it is truly what you want and, if not, make a decision that is in the best interests of the child. There are thousands of couples waiting for a baby, particularly one that has been nurtured in pregnancy.

On the other hand, we're definitely sticking at one! More than that will be too much to deal with!

I dont understand why you would Consciously stop using contraception when you havent decided if you want a baby or not. I'm one who's struggled to get pregnant and believe me "having the decision taken out of your hands" is not something to wish for.

I think abortion followed by ttc in a year or so is a dangerous game. How would you feel if you couldn't conceive in a couple of years?

Would you consider keeping the baby and having it adopted? I know not many so it but if you don't want to be parents but you don't want an abortion it's a very selfless option.

Good luck with your decision.

City - I don't have much, if anything, of use to add to this.

However, I am currently nearly 24 weeks pregnant with our first DC. DH and I did and do want children but I was surprised when I became pregnant and the feelings of ambilivence I had as I always thought I would be completely thrilled at all times. I felt very sick for about 13 weeks constantly and really resented that. At the 12 week scan, I was relieved that everything was OK but didn't feel any massive connection to the baby or like crying when I saw the scan etc as I know that some people do.

However, we had our 20 week scan a few weeks ago and found out that the baby is a boy. We hadn't intended to find out the sex and did it totally on the spur of the moment. The sonographer couldn't see the back of the baby's heart exactly although we were re-assured that all is fine. However, we need to go back for another scan to check at the end of this week.

My feelings have changed enormously from the 20 week scan. The baby looked more "baby like" on the scan and from reading online about development, I know that he is much more like a little person. Further, now that I know that the baby is DS, I feel a much greater connection to him as a person and love and concern for him. We've been told that all will be fine at the scan and it is just a box ticking exercise, but I'm worried for him as him mum now and realise that this is just going to be the start of a life time of worry for him!

What I think I am trying to say is that I think it is relatively normal to feel ambivilant and a lack of connection in the early days. However, that will grow and develop over time. I think it is quite early days and I would think very long and hard before having any termination.