Big fight with Mum

[feesh]

Just had a massive fight with Mum. I'm expecting twins and spending a couple of weeks at her house, which was always going to be difficult as she is quite tricky to deal with (bossy, always asks closed questions, makes a lot of 'you should' statements - the usual slightly controlling mother stuff). I live abroad normally.

We were always going to find out the sex, but not tell anyone. Mum hasn't stopped going on about this, to anyone who'll listen, including my in-laws who otherwise would have been none-the-wiser that we were going to find out the sexes. I said to her yesterday, when she kept going on and on about it, that I was really sorry we weren't telling her, but she said 'Oh just ignore me, you know I'm only joking'.

We went together for a private scan yesterday so she could see the babies. I wasn't planning on finding out the sex until I am back home with my husband next week - however the sonographrer wrote the sex down and sealed it an envelope for me :)

In a private skype conversation with my husband last night, we decided to open the envelope :)

Mum knows we did it because she asked me outright this morning and I didn't want to lie to her. Obviously I didn't let on about the sexes though.

Anyway fast forward 5 hours and my Dad rings the house phone (him and Mum are separated with a really unhealthy 'friendship' going on).

Mum tells him that we had a scan yesterday and 'know the sex but aren't telling anyone'.

Before she handed the phone over to me, I had a slight go at her asking her to please stop telling people that we know the sex.

Dad, of course, was saying 'I hear you know the sex now and you're not telling' AAAAARRRRGH!

Anyway, so after I got off the phone, mum is all uppity and tells me she can people what she damn well likes. I said 'No actually you can't, it's our decision who we tell what to, it's private and it's making things harder by letting on to people that we know the sex but aren't telling.'

It all escalated from there (me trying and failing to set boundaries) and her having a massive strop and saying she can't take any more of my whinging at her for being a crap mother, storming upstairs and slamming the door,

I don't know what to do now, I'm downstairs and she is upstairs and it's a very small house and I'm here for 3 more days.

Admittedly, I have been a bit of a pain to her these past couple of weeks - she gets my defences up due to the constant bossiness, closed questions and assumptions she makes and she is waiting on me hand and foot in a way I find quite oppressive.

Any ideas on how to move on? We are both crap at confrontation which doesn't help....

Aside from the obvious, which is your mum is being an unreasonable pain in the arse who should not be causing you stress during your pregnancy, all I can say is try not to let her get to you. It really doesn't matter if people know you know, so accepting that she is going to tell them that is the first step in not getting stressed about it.

Who you tell what is your business, not hers, and her acting like a child does not change that. To be honest, if I friend of mine wasn't telling the sex of her unborn child, but knew herself, I'd find it odd. I'd probably put it down to pregnant lady stuff and think nothing more of it though. People are going to ask, and question why it is a secret, so have a bog standard answer to rattle off and just smile.

Why are you not telling her the sex of the babies if you know?

To be honest, mums the main reason we're not telling anyone the sex, as I would just find it extra oppressive with her telling me things about girls/boys names/needs/colours etc etc. But I also feel like being my Mum, nobody else should know things that she doesn't as that's not fair on her.

I've had other friends that have kept the sex a secret, I didn't realise it would become such a big deal (although with hindsight I wish I'd kept my gob shut altogether now!).

I don't know what to do now - she's shut herself in her room. I could either go in and say something (eek) or she will come out eventually and we'll pretend nothing happened.

I think people are always going to ask whether you know the sex(es) past the 20-week scan, and in most cases it's a way of showing that they care about you and the babies. They may well also ask your mum, so she will have to give some answer too!

Might this be a case for "Yes is a complete sentence"? That is, if someone says "so you know but aren't telling", just say "Yes". You don't have to give a reason.

If the questioner has children themselves maybe it's a good tactic to ask them whether they found out / whether there were ultrasounds in their day / etc, and turn the conversation back on them. Or you could enthuse about how helpful the sonographer was or how amazing it is that we have the technology to do scans and see them live in video.

Best of luck with your pregnancy!

If she knew the sex, she would give me very strong opinions on what to call them and what colour their room should be etc etc. Plus I just want to keep as many things private as poss, we didn't even announce it until 12 weeks and even then I wasn't keen on sharing it. Don't know why, I thought I'd be singing from the rooftops, but pregnancy has made me feel very private and protective.

If you don't want to tell her (and I can understand why!), you don't have to. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. You're pregnant, people have to humour you, it is one of the perks

TBH, I don't really understand why people decide to know the sex and then treat it like a secret not to be shared with anyone. But I guess it's your choice, and as such it should be respected.
You say you don't want to tell her because she will be very annoying about names etc. Well, she does sound annoying already, and I have a feeling she will be whatever the situation.
So, I realise this is a frustrating relationship. FWIW, my own mother is a pain in similar ways, so I can guess how you feel, especially being pregnant and emotional.
What works for me is to stay a bit detached. If the conversation goes into tricky territory, don't engage. It is very hard to do, especially when you're screaming inside and just want to explose, but try to fight the urge. Let it pass, breath out calmly. Just say something like "Mmmm, yes", "mmmm, we'll see", "mmmmm, I don't know" to everything, whatever it is, and no more. Don't debate, don't explain, don't justify, so she can't use your answers. Let her run out of steam. Be calm and unresponsive, but crucially not hostile, stay pleasant.
OK, I may be projecting a bit there, so feel free to ignore, but I hope some of it seem relevant?
Good luck!!! How many more days are you staying?

Change you flights- it won't cost that much - worth it, just go.

Personally I would be answering any baby related question with "I'm not discussing it as you think everything I tell you is for public knowledge" at least you've learned the hard way, you should have lied to her about knowing. I'd be limiting her information from now onwards and lots of non-commital "we haven't decided yet" - bet you anything she has an opinion on everything from breast feeding to the MMR to when to wean, what to wean on, which school etc.

Keep all info limited until you are ready for public annoucements, tell PIL things first if you want to avoid your mum telling them anything, and don't go to visit without your DH for moral support in the future.

Thanks. I don't know why we're keeping the sex a secret any more, everyone questioning it is making me doubt whether it's worth the hassle! I suppose it's a way of keeping something sacred with my husband. Twin pregnancies seem to make everyone extra nosey and it's pissing me off already - were they 'natural', did you have 'help' ttc? Etc.

Catus I think maybe I haven't been biting my tongue as much as I should have done. I find it hard not to be snappy and defensive with her.

I think I will arrange some counselling when I get back home to help me deal with her, as my last lot of counselling a couple of years ago took me to a very zen-like place where I could rise above it all, but I seem to have forgotten it all.

I think it's normal to be more emotional with your mum. I know when I go back to my family home, I can feel the child and teenager I was wanting to resurface to a certain extent. I guess it's natural? Well, I hope so anyway!
I'm not advising you to disengage to protect her feelings, but to protect yours. You can't change her really, so fight this urge to snap. Don't give her any amnunitions (not that it's a war...).

Dontmindifido - sorry we cross posted there. Can't change flights as I'm waiting for a big baby stuff delivery to arrive before I leave on Saturday.

I did tell her as part of the argument that she was pushing me into keeping more and more things from her - probably didn't help. Oops.

I already have a policy of keeping as much from her as possible, it's the only way I have a life and mind that I know is my own otherwise I hear her voice in my head constantly telling me what I should be doing.

All interesting advice. But... what sex are the babies???

Just keep stuff quiet. Don't discuss - I wouldn't have had an extra scan so she could see the babies, but hten I'm several years down the line of "limiting access to information in order to limit reactions"

Haha TheSurgeonsMate - nice try :D

Has she come down yet? Could you go for a walk to let her back downstairs with some face saved? Or is it the sort of household where that would be a clear flounce?

Why didnt you just say "we arent finding out" and keep the whole lot to yourself?

No she's still upstairs. Think I will go for a walk or bike ride anyway, it will help clear my head.

Thanks Gnocchi, that's really helpful!

Well, it's sort of helpful, you need to learn to be less open with her. Shit that you have to lie to your own mother, but she's been your mum for a long time, I bet this sort of behaviour isn't new. I learned a long time ago to limit the information to my parents, but I guess you'd just done it now.

It is hard when you see other people being able to lean on their mum's that you feel you can't, but you will find it makes your life easier.

(Of course, what I'd do now is tell put a piece of paper saying the opposite in that envelope and leave it laying around, but then I'm mean)

Sorry but if you tell someone that you're finding out the sex they are allowed to share that with other people. And they probably will go on at you to tell them the sex.

It sounds like you've just had too much of her company. Get some fresh air and have a break from her. And remember it's only 3 more days. The cinema is always a good idea because if she doesn't want to come you get 3 hours to yourself and if she does it counts as a joint activity even though you don't have to talk to her for 90 minutes +

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Im sorry, I just find this sort of thing really attention seeking. "we know, no, we arent telling"...."ooh we keep getting asked"...

You either dont tell anyone anything or share the news which while it is a Big Deal to you isnt actually life altering for others.

You learned a valuable lesson in life. Don't tell anyone you have a secret.

We know our babys sex, but no one in RL knows we know, or we would never ever hear the end of it.

Even though no one knows we know, my mother STILL pesters the hell out of me, and insists we have found out. Not sure if she has 6th senses or what, but I can imagine how much worse it would be if we did know and she knew we did!

Nothing you can do about it now, so guess you will just have to deal with the unfortunate consequences.

I have to agree with gnocchi really - and I don't see the harm with her repeating that you know but aren't telling. It's the truth, isn't it, and not very revealing? What's she supposed to say when asked, lie and say you don't know?

I really do not understand people who just have to know the sex then do the whole "its privet" crap, really outside of the parents I don't think anyone gives a flying fig

My sister went for a sexing scan, she is having a boy, anyone asks do you know what your having she says a boy, simple as that really.

Your mum is going on a bit tho ! She shouldn't go on like that it is your decsision and to b honest it's your pregnancy your babies your choice ! The more she tells people you know the sex the more those are going to go on!

Altho I remember a friend once saying "they knew what sex they were having" and I jus said oooh what is it going to b? Jus showing an interest/general conversation and she got quite nasty she said "it's only for us to know we are not telling anyone as it's ours to know " I was quite upset tbh not that they wanted it secret but she could have either not mentioned they knew or just said we not going to tell anyone would have been sufficient ?

I can see how it would be seen as attention seeking, which is why we weren't even going to tell anyone that we knew the sex. See, it wasn't intended to be an attention seeking thing at ALL you see. Nobody would have known and we wouldn't have had to defend our decision to find out in private. See?

The ONLY mistake I've made was letting on to my Mum that we were going to find out the sex. I didn't expect her to tell everyone she meets within 5 minutes of talking to them that 'Feesh knows the sex but is refusing to tell anyone'. THAT'S the nub of it. She has said those exact words to my in-laws, my dad, her friends, my aunt, my uncle, her cousin and the nursery advisor at John Lewis in the past week FFS! All of whom now know that we know the sex, but otherwise would have had NO idea.

It's not me that's being attention seeky about the Big Secret you see?