Big fight with Mum

[feesh]

Just had a massive fight with Mum. I'm expecting twins and spending a couple of weeks at her house, which was always going to be difficult as she is quite tricky to deal with (bossy, always asks closed questions, makes a lot of 'you should' statements - the usual slightly controlling mother stuff). I live abroad normally.

We were always going to find out the sex, but not tell anyone. Mum hasn't stopped going on about this, to anyone who'll listen, including my in-laws who otherwise would have been none-the-wiser that we were going to find out the sexes. I said to her yesterday, when she kept going on and on about it, that I was really sorry we weren't telling her, but she said 'Oh just ignore me, you know I'm only joking'.

We went together for a private scan yesterday so she could see the babies. I wasn't planning on finding out the sex until I am back home with my husband next week - however the sonographrer wrote the sex down and sealed it an envelope for me :)

In a private skype conversation with my husband last night, we decided to open the envelope :)

Mum knows we did it because she asked me outright this morning and I didn't want to lie to her. Obviously I didn't let on about the sexes though.

Anyway fast forward 5 hours and my Dad rings the house phone (him and Mum are separated with a really unhealthy 'friendship' going on).

Mum tells him that we had a scan yesterday and 'know the sex but aren't telling anyone'.

Before she handed the phone over to me, I had a slight go at her asking her to please stop telling people that we know the sex.

Dad, of course, was saying 'I hear you know the sex now and you're not telling' AAAAARRRRGH!

Anyway, so after I got off the phone, mum is all uppity and tells me she can people what she damn well likes. I said 'No actually you can't, it's our decision who we tell what to, it's private and it's making things harder by letting on to people that we know the sex but aren't telling.'

It all escalated from there (me trying and failing to set boundaries) and her having a massive strop and saying she can't take any more of my whinging at her for being a crap mother, storming upstairs and slamming the door,

I don't know what to do now, I'm downstairs and she is upstairs and it's a very small house and I'm here for 3 more days.

Admittedly, I have been a bit of a pain to her these past couple of weeks - she gets my defences up due to the constant bossiness, closed questions and assumptions she makes and she is waiting on me hand and foot in a way I find quite oppressive.

Any ideas on how to move on? We are both crap at confrontation which doesn't help....

Thanks panic and sw11 - can totally see both points of view there :)

I will try and find a way to move on. The slight thing that is bothering me is that during the argument, Mum asserted very clearly that she has the right to discuss anything she wants with other people regarding anything I tell her about the pregnancy. So that's the only thing holding me back now. I just don't want to share things with her if they're going to be widely broadcast!

Can't see what all the hype is around keeping it a great secret. Your Mum doesn't know the sex so how can she pass anything on. I think if you tell people you know a secret then you can expect them to want to know what it is. Are you quite enjoying all the fuss.

Well at least she gave you the heads up. She doesn't intend to keep anything confidential, so just tell her the none-confidential stuff. Maybe she just wants to bask in her up-coming GP status and doesn't want to be burdened with secrets. Now you know you can share accordingly.

In the meantime, it is just lesson learnt. :)

You are quite right! We did not tell parents even though she knew we knew as like you, we felt it was our news to tell. Plus my mum can 't even hold her own wee so she woul have been on the blower telling her mates. We did not have a massive fall out though. She just kept trying to guess and w would not say yes or no.

Not good to get stressed about it. Just tell her your expectations and say that is the last you want to hear of it until the babies are born. Explain she I lucky to have gone to the scan and to know and just let her know you will respect her less if she starts blabbing!! I would not have taken mine to the scan!

T

Viviennemary, I'm not sure what all the fuss is to be enjoying - I'm stuck at my Mum's house with her trying her best to avoid me, it's not exactly fun! There is no fuss apart from this silly argument business.

If you don't want to tell anyone then don't tell. It is after all your news to share when you choose. I don't understand why people think its strange or wrong to find out but not say. We found out what we're having & have kept it a secret. This is our 3rd and last baby, I didn't really want to find out but DH did so we compromised, we found out but still have the excitement of announcing babies gender when it arrives. Broter knows we know but he's happy he gets to wait for the surprise, family are having fun guessing. We just told other people baby wasn't cooperating at the scan & so sonographer couldn't be sure. I sympathize with the pain in the arse mother too, I have one of those also!! :/

I think you are quite within your rights not to tell the sex if you don't want to - your babies - your secret. Actually (and I haven't told anyone else this) DP and I know the sex of ours and have told everyone we don't know. We wanted to know to discuss names etc and be excited on our own, but we didn't want the pressure of other people knowing that we knew and trying to persuade us to tell them.

If you are talking to your mum and she is still funny with you, then that is not your fault. You don't need the stress - go home and let her sulk, she will come round eventually xxx

We found out with DD and told people that we knew but weren't telling. Some people were a bit about it, but it was our choice and even though we knew she was going to be a girl, there is always a chance that the sonographer has made a mistake. For the same reason, we also didnt want to have people getting it fixed in their heads that we were having a girl. We even bought neutral stuff until after she was born. We only really found out cos we are nosey!!! I am in early stages of pg with DC2 and think we will probably find out again, but like batteryhen tell everyone else that we don't know.

I think it is up to you what you do and your mum should just back off a bit; not that easy though when you are stopping at her house. You have my sympathy!

Thanks all. It means a lot. In 48 hours I shall be on a plane and I won't care any more! I'm glad I'm not the only one that isn't offended by people not sharing the sex - my friend did the exact same thing. I asked her if she knew the sex, she said yes. I took that short answer to mean that she wasn't wanting to share it and didn't ask any more questions. No big deal to me. I didn't take it personally!

Anyway I've learned a LOT from all of this and can't wait to start my counselling next week so I can try and build a better relationship with my Mum and become a better mum myself before the babies arrive!

feesh I've just caught up and the pizza thing is unforgivable

My BIL and his wife found out the sex of their baby and took great delight in telling us all they knew but they weren't telling. It was all a big attention seeking event and a bit irritating but I can totally see that your situation wasn't in a similar vein.

Good luck with it all and I hope the counselling helps. I think being pregnant really highlights any issues in mother daughter relationships but at least you'll know how not to behave when you become a grandmother

I usually have a really good relationship with my mum. I tell her everything, she tells me everything. I don't do much without her input (much to the dismay of my husband).

At the end of January we found out we were pregnant and we told my parents straight away..They were very excited as this was their first grandchild. I asked my parents not to tell anyone until after the 12 week scan for many reasons.

However, they kept badgering me and my husband. They wanted us to tell family. They kept going on and on and pretty much forced me to tell some family members like my Nana and two aunties and my sister. I didn't really want to do that so early because I wasn't feeling the way I thought I would about it. I felt really quite axious and not as excited as I thought I would. I was struggling and she guilted me in to telling them when I didn't want to. This ended up causing a massive row between me, her, my husband and my dad and ended with me just giving up as she thought she was right.

Fast forward to 28 weeks pregnant and I've discussed names with my mum (again wanting her approval) which my husband wasn't too happy with again (wish I had listened now). We became pretty set on a certain name. Granted, I didn't tell my mum not to tell anyone, but she goes again and tells my sister, my aunties and my Nana. I then said "can you please stop telling people because we don't want anyone to know yet". This was fine. My father in law unfortunately passed away recently and just before it, I decided to tell him the name as he was never going to know of meet our first child and I thought it was important. I said to my mum "we can't change it now because we've told him what it will be". She took this as she can now tell all her friends.

She went off and told a load of her work friends what his name was. Am I in the wrong for being annoyed at this? I told her I was annoyed and it resulted in a massive argument again because she just kept saying "but you said it was that and that you told your father in law" she doesn't seem to get that that wasn't a pass for her to go ahead and tell people after I'd already told her not to tell anyone.

She's playing the victim again and I know I will be blamed again and it's really upsetting me and making me feel like I cannot trust her at all anymore with anything. I don't know how to get this through to her as she just doesn't think she's done anything wrong?

ZOMBIE