Big fight with Mum

[feesh]

Just had a massive fight with Mum. I'm expecting twins and spending a couple of weeks at her house, which was always going to be difficult as she is quite tricky to deal with (bossy, always asks closed questions, makes a lot of 'you should' statements - the usual slightly controlling mother stuff). I live abroad normally.

We were always going to find out the sex, but not tell anyone. Mum hasn't stopped going on about this, to anyone who'll listen, including my in-laws who otherwise would have been none-the-wiser that we were going to find out the sexes. I said to her yesterday, when she kept going on and on about it, that I was really sorry we weren't telling her, but she said 'Oh just ignore me, you know I'm only joking'.

We went together for a private scan yesterday so she could see the babies. I wasn't planning on finding out the sex until I am back home with my husband next week - however the sonographrer wrote the sex down and sealed it an envelope for me :)

In a private skype conversation with my husband last night, we decided to open the envelope :)

Mum knows we did it because she asked me outright this morning and I didn't want to lie to her. Obviously I didn't let on about the sexes though.

Anyway fast forward 5 hours and my Dad rings the house phone (him and Mum are separated with a really unhealthy 'friendship' going on).

Mum tells him that we had a scan yesterday and 'know the sex but aren't telling anyone'.

Before she handed the phone over to me, I had a slight go at her asking her to please stop telling people that we know the sex.

Dad, of course, was saying 'I hear you know the sex now and you're not telling' AAAAARRRRGH!

Anyway, so after I got off the phone, mum is all uppity and tells me she can people what she damn well likes. I said 'No actually you can't, it's our decision who we tell what to, it's private and it's making things harder by letting on to people that we know the sex but aren't telling.'

It all escalated from there (me trying and failing to set boundaries) and her having a massive strop and saying she can't take any more of my whinging at her for being a crap mother, storming upstairs and slamming the door,

I don't know what to do now, I'm downstairs and she is upstairs and it's a very small house and I'm here for 3 more days.

Admittedly, I have been a bit of a pain to her these past couple of weeks - she gets my defences up due to the constant bossiness, closed questions and assumptions she makes and she is waiting on me hand and foot in a way I find quite oppressive.

Any ideas on how to move on? We are both crap at confrontation which doesn't help....

Sorry for over use of the word 'see' there! Rants and iPhones don't mix!

I would suggest you call you PIL, aunt, your dad and say that you didn't mean to make it sound so attention seeking you really, really wanted it to be a surprise for everyone and you are rather sad that your mum is trying to spoil that. I'm sure you could put it nicer than that, but make them see that you weren't making a fuss, you were trying to keep a surprise and you still are hopeful you can keep the surprise for them. That should smooth any upsets she's caused making you out to be a diva.

I can understand why you would want to know yourself, but not tell anybody else, particularly with twins. (On the other hand you would have a laugh if they are a boy and girl at how many people's follow up question is "are they identical?").

However, I think you just have to let your mother's reaction roll over you and count down the days till leaving.

Your mum is so being unfair and damn right annoying ! I'd say to her well thanks a lot I've made this a really special time for me and DP ! Bloody cheek going on like that to everyone! It's probably a but of excitement in her part but very irritating I would have done my nut tbh!

Just tell your mum you're not telling anyone until you've named him/her as you want to come up with the names yourselves and don't want any suggestions from anyone else.

Have to be honest, I really don't like the whole, "We know the sex but we aren't telling anyone," have a relative doing this at the minute and everyone is a bit That said there seem to be other issues with your mum being a bit controlling - she probably means well / is excited.

Being pregnant definitely makes you more touchy than usual (believe me I know) and although it's important to set boundaries it's probably more comfortable if you do it when you're safely home. If you think she cares but is just over-excited, try and cut her some slack if you can. Hope it's not an uncomfortable few days!

I'd probably be a bit of a nightmare if I knew you knew and didn't tell me I have to be honest!

I would ask a lot, still sounds like she is a bit obsessive.

Boys is it?

Oh my, it sounds like I could've written this (apart from the finding out the sex thing) - my relationship with my mother is exactly as you've described yours.

In this situation I leave my mother alone/ignore her and in time she comes around and acts as if nothing's happened (although that's annoying in itself, it's the only way to deal with my mum).

With regards to giving "advice", I always argue/snap back but my sister says the best way to deal with it is to nod, agree and then do whatever you wanted to do in the first place. It works for her but I just have to learn to hold my tongue!

In this situation, my sister would agree with Scatter - let it go over your head and use 'yes' as a complete sentence when someone asks if you know the sex but aren't telling - what can they really say in return? (if they ask why just say because scans aren't always 100% correct!)

I hope things improve between you while you're staying with her, you're lucky in a way that you live abroad - my mum lives 5 minutes away and I think I'll need counselling before my baby's born!

Thanks MB34, it's so good to know I'm not the only one. She is carrying on like nothing has happened now. I feel like I should clear the air and I am a bad person for not having the energy to do so, but it would bring out 35 years of suppressed feelings if I did and it would be messy.

I have made arrangements to see a counsellor when I get back home as I need to find out how to handle this as it's only going to get worse.

I feel sad that I can't be close to her, but that is the bed she has made and it is part of the reason we felt able to move overseas without any guilt.

I wish we'd never found out the goddam sex now - actually we were adamant that we weren't going to before, but having twins changes EVERYTHING! I already feel quite alpha female over them and my little family and have said to Mum on more than one occasion this week "No, they're not your babies, they're mine". She is just over excited which is very sweet and very unexpected, but god it's bringing out the worst in her!

This is the one thing that drives me bonkers!

If you find out the sex of your baby/babies and decide you are not going to share that information why tell anybody that you know. It just smacks of smug! It really annoys me and comes across as attention seeking.

That said feesh I can understand that you didn't plan to say "We know but we're not telling", your mistake was telling anyone...especially your mother!

Boys, Pickles? Oddly, I had't thought of that. I was thinking girls or girl+boy.

Fresh, can I just offer that I found that delivering the baby just changed everything all over again. For the better. I'd say that you shouldn't spend too much time worrying what all this means for the future. Wait and see.

I'd have to hide behind a door, knock you down and do that trick with a ring and a piece of string!

Your mum sounds a lot like mine! I also live abroad and my parents have just left after a two-week stay (thankfully only 4 of those days were at mine but even so, they seemed like ages!). I can understand your defensiveness as I am exactly the same with her...she brings out the rebellious, stroppy teenager in me which leaves me feeling stupid and guilty. She is constanly lecturing me on different things and trying to control every situation apart from "babying" me a lot which drives me up the wall and now that I'm pregnant, it all seemed a bit too much to handle.

I agree that you probably shouldn't have said to her that you were finding out the sex and then say you were keeping it a secret but I can understand why you did it. Perhaps to show her that it is yours and your DH's private choice and not hers and that she should be able to respect that but, deep down, you knew she would react negatively and defiantly to that. Now you need to think about yourself and how you will feel when you leave...she won't change but you can try and rise above it and say to her that being pregnant is making you feel emotional and vulnerable and that you would appreciate it if she could give you the privacy and the space that you need to deal with it in your own way which may not be how she would do it but it is what you need. She needs to respect that you are a mature, independent person (wishful thinking, I know) and that, however much she disagrees, you will do things how you see fit. Tell her that you didn't mean to hurt her or anyone else but that it is important to you to keep this a secret between yourself and DH.

Good luck!

We found out the sex and only told our parents. For some unknown reason I didn't want to tell people. The parents were instructed to pretend they didn't know and as far as I know they kept it a secret.
With everyone else though, I lied and pretended we hadn't found out, otherwise I knew they would hound me for the information (I am a teacher and teenage girls have an unhealthy interest in my private life).

I think when you've grown up with parents who are a bit controlling/obsessive/dominating/demanding etc, it makes you pull away and be more private where normally most people would be telling the world. It makes you want to keep something for yourself when you're whole life you've just had "you should do/be like I think you should" from a parent.

When I was getting married, DH and I discussed eloping. This was only really because we wanted it to be private, amongst ourselves because both our parents are the same - they bamboozle and shove their way into everything dominating with their thoughts and opinions. Our wedding was so important to us, and it felt like it would be taken away from us if they came. OP I also made the mistake of thinking trying to be open with my mum about that would lead to better understanding - but cue lots of hysterical screaming/shouting phone calls every other day. Now I'm seven months pregnant and we've firmly explained - we want time with our baby for a week or so, alone, then come and meet them and have as much time with them as you like - just give us that, please. I resent even that I have to ask for that, to be honest.

Sorry, this isn't about me! Just to say, I don't think it's necessarily fair to say the OP is coming across as attention seeking. I can see completely how this happened and if you haven't had that kind of culture growing up, yes of course it's lovely to be open and sharing etc. But to be honest, my parents - and DH's - inadvertently (because they are lovely people other than this approach to things!) left us feeling like our lives, our decisions, our wants and desires were prime public property!

Thanks Orenishii, you've really hit the nail on the head there. Every word you've said rings true. In an imaginary situation without my parents around, I think we probably would be sharing the sex with people. It is just a reaction to her controlling ways which I think have led to me closing down - I didn't expect to be like this, but have surprised myself with how fiercely private and protective of this pregnancy I am.

I was on her ipad the other day and she has been googling girls names. She's not said anything, but I know if we knew the sex she would dominate every conversation with telling us name suggestions and if she said one I'd been thinking of anyway, it would almost put me off using it - I know that sounds petty, but it is really hard to determine what is my own voice in my head and what is the monologue of my mother's voice most of the time and right now I just want her voice switched off.

She only EVER talks AT me, never with me and there is a constant barrage of questions fired at me all the time (even from other rooms in the house) - presumably its a way of dominating the conversation but it means we never sit down in silence and have a conversation arise organically. I wouldn't mind, but she doesn't listen to the answers I give anyway so it is very frustrating. E.g she walked in the front door yesterday morning and immediately it was "Do you want some eggs?" "No thanks mum, I had some while you were out" and then "Well how about some yoghurt" "No thanks, I'm still full" and then "Toast? Or some soup? Do you like cherries?" "No thanks Mum I'm full".

Then a bowl of cherries is presented to me, which I say no thanks to and then she walks off looking hurt.

I know this sounds really bitchy, but it is honestly so tiring to be around. If we had told her the sex she would start giving us name ideas in the same way every time we speak to her between now and birth, and it would be really draining.

She is trying really hard to ignore me today, eg shutting herself in her room and only going downstairs when I am upstairs. The truth is, I am actually really enjoying the space and quiet.

Last night was very odd. I came downstairs and she asked me if I wanted dinner. I said I was thinking of ordering a pizza, and then she said "Well, I've got some fish" to which I replied (truthfully!) "No thanks, I've gone off fish". She got really arsey and walked out of the room saying "Fine, order pizza then" which I promptly did online using my phone. I was quite excited about my pizza as you can't get nice ones where I live :)

I went upstairs and when I came back down she said "I'm making you meatballs"'. Er, sorry I have ordered a pizza already.

Cue more huffing.

I went upstairs to read my book and Skype my husband. 90 minutes later, pizza had not arrived, so I called the pizza shop and they said it had been delivered an hour ago! Went downstairs and sure enough there it was on the coffee table, stone cold, with a stone cold plate of meatballs, mash and green beans next to it! I mean WTF!

I asked mum why she didn't tell me the pizza had come, to which she replied that she called me (I didn't hear) and then she said in a really huffy voice, "Oh and I don't suppose you heard the door banging either?" and walked off!

I can't flipping be arsed with all this passive aggressive nonsense! It's just childish and game playing!

I have no idea what's going on any more. I have arranged some counselling to start next week when I get home and hopefully by the time the babies come I will be able to handle things a bit better.

I know I am a difficult daughter, but I can't begin to untangle what's going on here without some help.

I wish I'd never mentioned the fucking sexing scan at all now! Thankfully other family members have been OK about us not sharing the sex because otherwise I think I would just give in and tell everyone!

Can I just reiterate again that we never intended for anyone to know that we were aware of the sexes - only my mum has seen to that!

Poor you! It is all so exhaustingly emotionally tangled! :(

Your Mum and mine sound very similar though yours has the edge I have to say! Mine is easier to manage as she is very meek so though she has tendencies very similar to yours it is easy to push back against it (though I always end up feeling like a total bully as she goes all martyred doormat on me)

There is no solution because she won't change and you can't begin to like the way she is with you! All you can know is that you love each other but the dynamic of your relationship is what it is - difficult.

In other voluntary relationships you could both sit down and try to work out how to behave in ways to each other which don't wind things up. But when you have someone who is touchy like that, that is never gonna happen!

All you can do is try to spot stuff coming and walk as wide a path around it as possible, avoidance is the only solution where any actual improvement is impossible.

I have stopped (only took 36 years) trying to get on with the Mum I wish she was and started to accept that certain ideas I held of how our mum/daughter could/should be are total fantasy. So now I try to relate to her the way she is. I feel sad as it is like I have given up trying, but in reality I am realistic and better able to love her as best as possible if I see all her flaws and treat accordingly, without wishing it could be different.

How awful that our parents should want to be involved in our lives. I can't imagine we'd do the same to our own children. Or that we would nag or try to influence their decisions...

This sounds like normal everyday Mum stuff. Feels like a massive over reaction to me. I have been very sensitive at times over completely trivial things whilst pregnant.

She's your Mum. Get over it. You'll be someone elses Mum soon and imagine how hurt you would be if they withdrew or booked an early flight home at what is on of the most exciting times of your life. Of course she has opinions! Of course she'll try and influence you! But at the end of the day you love her and she only drives you crazy because she loves you so much...

Ok, This worked for me.

Not with DP as we told them the sex. but my DM responce to our name choice put us off telling anyone else.

Warning this is really passive aggressive which I am NEVER done before or since, as I can´t stand passive aggressive nonsence

So what are you having / expecting was answered like this.

I hope a baby, but I´m so big they think its puppies.

What names have you picked.

Well if it is puppies I like Rover, but if it is baby we are still thinking about names.

Strangely it made everyone laugh! We did however, tell everyone prior to them buying anything that we liked, pink, blue, purple and aqua colours! Which was totally NO help at all.

Sorry DP in that case stands for Dear Parents. Should also say DM LOVED our name within about 4 weeks and it suits DD so well.

Thanks for your responses. Naisy, I haven't booked an early flight home or withdrawn. I am still trying to talk with her but I keep getting the cold shoulder.

feesh I'm going to be blunt, take a step back as you yourself are behaving in a very similar manner to your mother. I'm very similar to my mother too, and we clash as well. Mothers and daughters often do.

Would it be so hard to be a little more sharing and a little less controlling over what is going on in your life? Your mum is excited. You are being very controlling over what you will tell her, and what you will allow her to share with her friends.... but you complain about her for being controlling towards you. When you both fall out you go and sit in opposite ends of the house. It isn't healthy, on either side.

How about lightening up and allowing her a little pleasure in having mum and daughter time. My mum wants to know everything about my pregnancy, and I'm happy to tell her. She's been there first, and it is really exciting for her to see her baby having a baby. She drives me nuts at times, but I'm sure I give as good as I get.

What's the worst that could happen if people know the sex? They might buy you an appropriate coloured baby grow or suggest a name you hate. You can never use the baby grow, and not even consider the name if you like. Try not to look for malicious intent in people's actions, as mostly they are just trying to be nice.

My best friend told me last night that she was pregnant. She's only 6 weeks. We were chatting about it all (its her first pregnancy and I am on my second). She asked me if I was finding out the sex and I said No. I asked her if she was finding out the sex and she said yes we think we will but we're going to keep it to ourselves and not tell anybody. I didn't even bat an eyelid and didn't give it a second thought till I read this post.

It is totally up to you if you want to find out the sexes of your babies and totally up to you if you want to keep it to yourself. I don't think its odd or attention seeking at all. Its a very personal thing. There are many reasons that it is helpful to know the sexes of twins (particularly) but still nice to make the announcement to everyone else once they're born. After everything you go through to get pregnant, carry babies and give birth it is absolutely your perogative to make your own decisions especially if you and your husband both agree on them.

I think your mum is being pretty childish and even if you may have wound the situation up slightly, she is your mum and should understand your situation and respect your wishes. If it was me I would go and find her and apologise for the situation having got out of control but explain that you and your husband have made this decision between you and that is the end of the discussion. Now lets go and have a cup of tea and be grown up about it and move on.

I think it is a bit off to tell your mum you know the sex but you are not going to let her know.... (a bit "I know and you don't ner, ner, nerner, ner)