Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to be massively put off by the whole idea of ANYONE seeing me in labour...?

55 replies

utopian99 · 20/07/2012 12:24

...except trained/paid profesionals, who, poor things, have no option?

I know I'll get shouted down by all sorts of proper women and I acknowledge right now I am a control freak/OCD (I'm an architect, after all, it's they way we're wired) but the idea of my DH seeing me in such a base, animal state if frankly horrific. He's keen to be there, because I think he feels he'd be missing out and it's his child as much as mine, but before we got pregnant I used to joke about sending him to the pub like in the 50s, which he sort of seemed to accept. Now it's a reality, he wants to be there, and we've agreed he's to stay well out the way of the action end of things, but deep down I confess I'd rather he just didn't see all that.

I know it's a totally natural process, but then so is having a massive poo (sorry!) and I wouldn't want him there for that. Also the more I read about it, the more it sounds like giving birth kneeling/on all fours is less painful/easier etc., and again I'd feel more comfortable doing that, knowing I'll look like a cow in labour if he wasn't there to see it, but if he is there I'll want to at least try to not become too grim, or if I can't help it, I'll feel awful afterwards.

Just tell me I'm being ludicrous if you feel I need a slap, I just can't make myself see childbirth as a miracle but a vile necessity! I agree conception/the genetic process that makes individual, infinitley varied humans is pretty amazing, and I can't actually insist on him not being there, I just wish I could....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

plantsitter · 20/07/2012 12:35

Well, you could insist actually, what with it being your body and everything. It might be unwise, though. It's difficult to know how you will feel at the time and I would keep my options open if you can.

booksandchoc · 20/07/2012 12:37

Keep your options open. My mum ended up with me when I gave birth. Was totally not planned but I'm so glad she was there. Before I went into labour the thought of her being there horrified me but by the time I got there I couldn't care less.

littlemisssunshine3 · 20/07/2012 12:44

I am with you on this one....the less people see me like that the better. i am even banning photos of me holding new baby while I am covered in sweat and looking rubbish.

naturalbaby · 20/07/2012 12:52

YANBU.
I heard stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to give birth and was convinced that would be me. In the end I had a lovely home birth in a water pool so it was as private as possible. Dh was kept busy with the water pool so wasn't sitting next to me wondering what to do for 6hrs, and saw very little.
When I had ds3 I managed to give birth before the midwives arrived (at home again)....it was pretty much perfect.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo · 20/07/2012 12:58

YANBU however you may feel differently in the throes of labour.

When it came to it I couldn't have cared less if my whole street had turned up for a nosey as long as I had hold of the gas and air I was quite relieved afterwards when the MW confirmed I didn't poo though

DP really didn't want to be there but I insisted he was quite useless tbh he has requested leave of absence for any future deliveries

ThunderboltKid · 20/07/2012 12:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

TheRedQueen · 20/07/2012 13:00

I, too, would say keep your options open. I wasn't too sure about DH being there, but he was a massive help when it came to it. Would not have had anyone else though.

I definitely agree with littlemissunshine3 about banning circulation of photos taken just after birth. DH circulated a photo of me holding DD that was taken about a minute after she appeared and in which I am exposing a naked breast and DD is still partly bloody. It's not so much the nakedness that bothers me but that it was such an intimate moment and circulating the photo somehow lessened it for me.

shimmy0 · 20/07/2012 13:04

I just wanted to say I'm looking forward to my other half being in the room with me. I want him to be there not just for me, but for our wee baby too. I am very much a "I will do it myself" kind of person but I feel that this is a special moment that should be shared with him.

Back in the 70's my dad wasn't allowed into the room and therefore didn't get to see any of us kids being born.

If he wants to be there let him.

HappyCamel · 20/07/2012 13:08

I was too high on gas and air to care who was there. I did find DH was good at understanding what I meant and communicating for me, eg when I was really thirsty.

I think it's best to let him be there if you can, DH feels an equal parent and is just as willing to change a nappy as I am. I think if I'd gone down the excluding him route he'd maybe made a baby care = women's work connection and found it hard to have the confidence to get involved.

I sent him off to grab a meal at the canteen while I was stitched though. He has since said there was a lot less gore than he was prepared for. We both found antenatal classes (I did NCT) really useful.

MissCoffeeNWine · 20/07/2012 13:09

No I feel the same way. My body agrees with me, it goes into labour when noone is around, to solve the problem, so I've never had anyone with me in labour. Closest he's been is the next room.

McPhee · 20/07/2012 13:15

Ooh you won't give a shit once it gets going. Trust me, I was the same, and towards the end I even had my mother looking up my foof

MissCoffeeNWine · 20/07/2012 13:19

I gave a shit, labour or no labour. I cared what I looked like, cared about how I came across, cared about who was there are who could see what, and I cared about keeping the bits I wanted covered, covered.

OP you're allowed to worry about it before, make your preference known during, and then hopefully you won't regret it or feel upset about it after.

I hate the whole 'you won't care' thing. You may well care, and all saying you won't does is increase your feelings of vulnerability now and then.

FarloRigel · 20/07/2012 13:24

YANBU as it's your body but I have to say I always wanted my DH there and he was incredibly supportive and useful. I spent most of my labour without any midwife there until the pushing so you would have to be prepared to potentially be completely alone for a lot of the time. He was also able to physically support me when I wanted to get into a more active position but felt weak. It was great for him to welcome DD into the world, he got to be the first to see her open her eyes and he cut the cord, and I didn't feel self conscious and wouldn't change a thing, but you should not feel forced or pressured into anything you would find uncomfortable or demeaning. Everyone and every relationship is different. All the best whatever you decide.

hanahsaunt · 20/07/2012 13:33

I've had 4dc and even at the height of labour I was quite capable of letting it be known that there was to be no one there other than dh (he's a dr and proved quite useful) (and I wanted him there too) and the bare minimum of staff (I was in Scotland and had a midwife with me from beginning to end) and absolutely no others. And no one was to know that I was in labour (other than those looking after the other dc). You know you best and don't be bullied (though do think about your dh - he will be your best advocate if anyone dares to mutter she doesn't know what she's saying, she's in labour).

Midgetm · 20/07/2012 13:40

YANBU - I didn't think twice about having DH there for DC1, for the whole thing and when it came to it I didn't care - I didn't have my wits about me to care or the energy but afterwards I regretted it a bit and I did care. DH was at the business end at the wrong time and to be honest I know it sounds old fashioned and I will get shot down for saying this but I would have much preferred he never saw that. I want him to think of me as sexy and that was as far from sexy as you can get. Lovely and natural - yes. Sexy? No. And yes he does see me as a whole person but I think it takes a while to get the image of a head crowning out of your head. I was with my friend when they cut her - the sight of her poor fanjo has stayed with me for 20 years!

DC2 I will have DH with me - he's seen it once so in for a penny, in for a pound and I want to be able to punish him for putting me through labour again

ballroomblitz · 20/07/2012 13:41

If you are being ludicrous then so I am. I hate the idea of my dp seeing me in labour and worry that will hold me back and make the labour worse or longer. It's one the reasons I was kind of glad I had to have a quick section last time. I've planned for my mum and dp to be there but don't want them in my face, just there in the background if I need them or change my mind.

Chunkychicken · 20/07/2012 13:43

I wanted my DH there to do the fetching & carrying. To basically keep me upright if I wanted it, get me drinks if I wanted them, run baths etc generally be my slave. I would concentrate on the giving birth bit. On no accounts, however, was he to go down the business end. Ever. No getting a mirror so I could see the head crown or anything. Just the MW looking when she had to.

OP, try to agree with your DH on his role and draw up boundaries that you are comfortable with. He does deserve to be there, as he is so keen etc, but if it will make you anxious, that can prolong your labour so you will need to reach a compromise.

Vessel · 20/07/2012 14:52

I had to point-blank refuse my dp being there despite his protests so can completely see where you're coming from. The thought horrifies me deeply.

minipie · 20/07/2012 15:53

Gosh - I positively want my DH to be there, not just for support etc but also because I want him to be appreciative of what I've been through and look after me afterwards!

But of course OP YANBU. The main thing is that you feel as relaxed as possible during the process.

Lora1982 · 20/07/2012 15:53

i agree id rather noone saw me in possibly the worst state of my life!!! i like the idea of forcing him to see what damage hes done to me and the monster hes caused (me in labour not the baby!) i will definatly ban the business end though... and im planning on a spray tan and hair cut to make sure theres no trampy looking just had a baby photos

catfart · 20/07/2012 15:59

I'm pregnant again, has my DS at home. Had my husband and mum (she temporarily lived with us) there on hand plus mid wives. When things got tough I went straight to the smallest bathroom in the house and pretty much pulled the door and told everyone to please leave me to just get on with it.

In the end the midwives managed to get me to go to the bigger bathroom so they could come in whilst my mum and husband waited on the stairs, they were then both shown in when my DS 'emerged' whilst I was holding onto the bath room sink.

You just can't predict how you'll behave, don't worry about it honestly, just do what feels right at the time.

minipie · 20/07/2012 16:01

Oh photos are a different matter. There are to be No Photos Of Me Whatsoever until I have got myself to a sink and a mirror and a make up bag.

mrsalwaysawake · 20/07/2012 16:02

Totally up to you of course.
I was very glad to have DH with me for all the obvious supportive reasons, and afterwards I was glad he saw what I went through. He was v proud and told people that I 'kicked labour's arse' and I like that he thinks that about me.

Original poster

utopian99 · 20/07/2012 17:17

Thanks for all the replies, I was starting to think I was the only one feeling like this, so many friends and family have just said 'oh you'll change your mind'!

I think on reading through I like the idea of him being with me while things are not too 'active', as it could be boring in between contactions (maybe? no idea!) but might see how he feels about me retaining the option to ask him to leave if it all gets awful, but l don't want him to feel cut out as it's our child, not just mine.

When my 5' 0" grandmother was in labour with my father (10lbs!) she sent my grandfather out to get sherbert and by the time he came back he'd been born. Oh how I pray it's turns out like that!!

OP posts:

Badgerina · 20/07/2012 18:03

YANBU. I feel similarly.

My ex was there when I had DS1, but this time around with DH, I feel so differently about our relationship that I want to do things differently during birth. I want to preserve the mystery (if that doesn't sound too woo and hippy ) in our relationship.

I cringe when I hear stories of DPs being given the job of sieving the poo out of the birth pool

I'm planning a home water birth so that DH can keep occupied with sorting out the pool, and can legitimately be told to bugger off if I feel like it.

I feel that birth is a woman's thing really. I want DH there, as in "present", but he doesn't have to be RIGHT there IYSWIM.

We've hired a doula as well so I'll have all the support I need (and DH can simply pop in just as baby is coming out)

Flip

1 2 3