AIBU to be massively put off by the whole idea of ANYONE seeing me in labour...?

[utopian99]

...except trained/paid profesionals, who, poor things, have no option?

I know I'll get shouted down by all sorts of proper women and I acknowledge right now I am a control freak/OCD (I'm an architect, after all, it's they way we're wired) but the idea of my DH seeing me in such a base, animal state if frankly horrific. He's keen to be there, because I think he feels he'd be missing out and it's his child as much as mine, but before we got pregnant I used to joke about sending him to the pub like in the 50s, which he sort of seemed to accept. Now it's a reality, he wants to be there, and we've agreed he's to stay well out the way of the action end of things, but deep down I confess I'd rather he just didn't see all that.

I know it's a totally natural process, but then so is having a massive poo (sorry!) and I wouldn't want him there for that. Also the more I read about it, the more it sounds like giving birth kneeling/on all fours is less painful/easier etc., and again I'd feel more comfortable doing that, knowing I'll look like a cow in labour if he wasn't there to see it, but if he is there I'll want to at least try to not become too grim, or if I can't help it, I'll feel awful afterwards.

Just tell me I'm being ludicrous if you feel I need a slap, I just can't make myself see childbirth as a miracle but a vile necessity! I agree conception/the genetic process that makes individual, infinitley varied humans is pretty amazing, and I can't actually insist on him not being there, I just wish I could....

If that's the way you feel I think you're absolutely within your rights to lay down boundaries. It's your body and you need to feel comfortable.

I would, however, say that I felt similarly and hired a doula so that if I wanted she could be at the business end and my DH could step back a bit. I'm really glad I did it as she was fabulous and it gave us options. DH even went home for a while and I just felt that at least it someone I was paying who I never had to see again if I didn't want to.

In the end, I insisted DH got right in there up to his elbows and was glad to have him there at the crucial moment. And I would say if you're embarrassed about him remembering you like that don't forget that what he sees may be totally different to what you fear. I remember doing an enormous poo, vomiting all over myself and crying a lot with my arse in the air. DH on the other hand spent literally weeks afterwards telling anyone who would listen how utterly amazing I was. He was so impressed. You'd have thought I was the first woman ever to have delivered a child. I actually had to tell him to stop in the end!

This is really interesting. I don't feel strongly one way or another about labour (will be having a section this time anyway) but I care very much about who gets to come and visit in the immediate weeks after the birth. Ideally the only people to set foot in the house would be DH, DD, and hired help. I remember close friends visiting 10 days or so after DD. It took me an hour of trying to get my hormonal sobbing under control before I could bring myself to come downstairs to say hello, as you can tell from the photos they took. The thought of trying to establish breast feeding with twins this time, in front of an audience, is too much.

thereistheball Me too. I'm having regular little chats with DH about what my expectations are regarding visitors after I've given birth. The first time I broached the subject, he seemed to think it normal for everyone to start appearing ASAP after the cord was cut.

If I'm honest, I only want MY family visiting in the early days, but of course I'll have to get over that.

Ideally I'd like to get a short visit from his parents, over and done with, since mine have to fly from Switzerland (and I want them to be here for longer)

I've phrased things like "the midwife has advised that we really limit visitors for the first week or so, until breast feeding is established." which has helped get the point across that it's not just me being possessive and weird, or anti his family.

i absolutely agree with those posters who have urged you to do what feels right for you, which may be different to what you think now, but may not. It is hard enough without feeling self-conscious in front of someone.

In my experience, going through it all with my DH brought us even closer together. I had a complicated and long labour and I couldn't have got through it without him there encouraging me and letting me squeeze his hand on every contraction. It really felt like we were doing it together and I found it a comfort afterwards that he could remember exacrly who said what and what happened when as the whole thing had become a bit of a blur to me. it helped me come to terms with it all. Also, knowing what I had gone throug made him unusually tender and caring during the days following the birth.

It is completely up to you want you want to do, as you need to feel as relaxed as possible. What other people say or do is completely irrelevant.

You may change your mind, but it's up to you!

Both of us didn't want him down the business end, but on the day he saw LO's head coming out and even cut the cord. Not what I imagined at all, but it was ace, and I think it was good for him to see just how much hard work it was for me too.
I think it really brought us closer together, as now he has certainly seen me at my worst now!

Oh and I was in so much pain, I wouldn't have cared if the whole world and his wife saw me naked as long as I had my gas and air!

badgerina and thereistheball I totally understand the wish to be a bit less inundated with visitors! My DH thankfully is probably more keen to keep the new family to himself than I am, so think we'll have a few days breathing space before everyone descends..

Not unreasonable, totally personal decision. But don't burn your bridges, you might change your mind and want him there later so being "on site" even if not in the room all the time might be the best compromise?

I want DH with me (I like chunkychicken's slave analogy!) but I'd rather he stayed away from the business end. I feel pretty uncomfortable about him seeing my va-jay-jay looking like its been in a massacre and/or pooing myself.... I want a water birth and he's categorically stated he will do no poo sieving so I hope he'll either pretend not to see or laugh like drain & make me feel better if stray turds float to the surface!

Its a totally personal decision. However my baby was stillborn earlier this year and looking back, it would have been incredibly selfish of me if I had not allowed DH to be there through the entire labour and birth as it would have deprived him of those last previous seconds we got to spend with our baby. He certainly had a right to be there. I know my perspective is skewed but these things do happen and when they do you realise that there are more important things to worry about than whether your DH or anyone else sees you in compromising positions.

Surely it's not just about the one in labour, but also about the one that's just about come out??!! Like I said in my previous post I want my fi there, but I forgot to say he is not going down to the business end at all. As my fiancé is a great guy and is going to be with me every step of the way, then why refuse him.
Even though I have yet to experience it all i see what some of the others are saying in the fact that you won't care how many is in the room at the time. I think that your little baby although he or she won't know it at birth obviously, has the right to have their dad welcome them into the world at that moment.

Have you ever seen the movie Big Fish? The end scenes between the father and his son concerns the fact that the father was not present at the sons birth. I've seen this film a thousand times and the scenes at the end get to me every single time. What the doctor says always has me in tears.

I'd say let him be there at the beginning and see how it goes. Maybe think about which bits you're happy for him to see. I.e. maybe contractions are OK, but pushing isn't.

I was a bit worried about the being-seen-having-completely-lost-control thing, more than the blood & gore & legs akimbo stuff. My labour was relatively straightforward & I just had G&A & an episiotomy -still exhausting, but I didn't scream or tell anyone to f* off or anything- I was in control much more than I'd worried about. DP was so brilliant- really kept an eye on me (which was really reassuring because there were points when the MW had to go out of the room, or when I found it hard to communicate when I was having contractions etc) but was quite hands off- I couldn't have really handled massage or too much touching etc by a certain point. I wasn't sure if DP was going to be able to attend the birth for various complicated reasons and thought about hiring a doula just so there was someone there for me. As it was DD was a bit early and I hadn't sorted one out. The MW said it was quite common for women to labour without a partner, especially if they already had kids who needed looking after at home etc- so that wasn't an issue from their side. DP arrived when I was 7cm and I could have done it without him, but I'm so glad he was there, it was really important for him, too. It hasn't changed anything in our relationship or in the bedroom or anything like that- except I think he really respects what I went through in the birth process. He didn't really watch down the business end until the very last, and we were just focussed on the baby when I had my stitches done. At the time I thought he'll never ever fancy me again, or the sex bit was going to be completely different or non existent, but it's amazing how everything just gets back to normal really quickly. Anyway, that was my experience- I know it's different for everyone, but I'd just take it a step at a time and see how it goes. Good luck.

I think you should do whatever feels right for you at the time OP. You may feel like you really want him there when it comes to it but you may not and that is fine too. Maybe just let him know you just don't know what will happen on the day and get him to understand why you might not want him there.

I'm booked for a c/s under a GA in Oct, so my husband wont be there! But he'll probably get to cuddle baby before me, which Im happy with.

Maybe think of other ways to make him feel involved? Whenever he's around and baby is kicking, I get him to feel bump, stuff like that. Remind him he's got a lifetime to be a fab daddy and bond with baby!

This thread is fascinating, I always assumed everyone was like me and wanted the father there but clearly not.

For me I couldn't imagine going through it without my husband, he's seen every bit of me anyway and loves all my wobbly bits and I know it wont put him off me. I'm only 6+5 weeks pregnant and he is already kissing my belly everyday and is planning on rubbing the bio oil into my stretchmarks.

It's our baby that will be born and I think it's his right to be there when it's born, if I thought for a minute he'd go off me if he saw me all sweaty and in labour then I wouldn't have married such a shallow person in the first place.

Agreed Dogsmom. DH has seen me at my best and my worst and loves me anyway (thank goodness!).

Wouldn't have anyone else in there though, including my mum (and we have a good relationship). Really don't understand that.

I also think it's lovely to be able to reminisce with someone about labour and all the things which happened during it... And the memory having DH pass me DD and tell me she was a girl and was fine (bit of a traumatic birth) brings a tear to my eye even now - wouldn't have missed that for the world. Just wouldn't have been the same had it been some nameless consultant I've never seen again.

You can insist on him not being there, but wouldn't he be a bit hurt? Know I would be (if men were able to give birth, which would be lovely...). Plus labour's kind of boring at times: it's nice to have someone there to pass the time with.

Agreed abcde1! DH had to clean me up after I was drunkenly sick on myself (classy, I know ) at his friend's party after only 3 months together ... so I think he has already seen me at my worst .

Frankly if DH felt differently about me after seeing me give birth, he'd be the wrong man for me.

women have better outcomes when their partners arent there so it'd really be better if more women felt like you

Margery - what do you mean by better outcomes?

Margery - do you think I would have had a 'better outcome' when my DD was stillborn if my DH had not been in the room? Everyone should consider what it would be like for your DH/DP to find out their baby had died in their absence - what it would be like for them to be approached in the waiting room by a midwife and told that news and have to live for the rest of their life knowing that they had missed everything because their DW had been too embarrassed to have them in the room during labour. However much we don't want to admit it death and injury are part of childbirth and to exclude partners from the experience is simply cruel, as cruel as excluding them from the joy of birth when things do go right.

You are not! I was a birth companion for a friend of mine 7 years ago (I did not volunteer - she was a single mum with no relatives around and it was last-minute request from her). Since witnessing that, I have always said that in no way I would allow my partner to be present when I am to give birth... I think that at some point a woman is no longer the same being, it's an animal pain, my friend looked like she was beyond caring about WHO was there; it was her, her pain and waiting and hoping for the nature to take its way. And yes, there was poo, blood, smell, you name it... My husband is my best friend and we have wonderful loving relationship. He is very caring and he tells me he would have liked to be present at birth of our DC. He will be because it is ELCS - scheduled in 8 weeks. But if I were to have vaginal birth, I would not have my husband there; maybe only at the first few hours when contractions are not too bad. After that - no way!! Medical professional and my mum if she wanted to (she is a nurse and it would have been mainly to control medical stuff/make sure they give me care I want).

Oseanlondres Surely it's a different experience if it's your child that you are there to see being born rather than just a friend's?

This thread is interesting. One of the first things my doula said to me is think very carefully about who you want at the birth. If anyone has the capacity to make you feel slightly stressed, don't have them. Stress will create pain.

Then at hypnobirthing this weekend, they said the same thing. Obviously your husband/partner isn't any old random, but you can have a great relationship yet them not be the best person to make you feel totally relaxed I suppose. Even if that's just because you feel unattractive and that feeling makes you feel more stressed.

It's academic for me as I am not with the father of my baby by the way! I just thought it was interesting.

shimmy0 - Absolutely. I'll clarify: based on what I have seen, I would not want my husband to be present when it is me who is giving birth, so I think the initiator of this thread is not being unreasonable.

From my perspective, I think that those of you who talk about not wanting your partner to experience the mess of childbirth or to see you in a vulnerable altered state are focusing on very shallow issues - there are far more important things. Perhaps you only realise what actually is important when, like me, you experience the death of a child.

Rainbow I am so very sorry to hear about your little DD. I must admit there are so many attitudes I shake my head at since my DD was diagnosed with leukaemia, so many can take their children's good fortune for granted. However I know there are plenty of women without an emotionally close and unconditional relationship with their partners who may well feel anxious about having them there and may well receive no useful support from them through a good or bad outcome, and I do feel they shouldn't feel pressured to have them in the room, although I could never have countenanced doing so in my situation for my sake or for his. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs and .