How to sensitively announce pregnancy to my infertile sister?

[terrywoganstrousers]

Hello,
I am currently 11+5 weeks with DC2 and we are starting to think about announcing imminent arrival to family.
My problem is that since DD (9) was born my sister and her husband have discovered that they are unable to conceive naturally and have been through a lot of heartache in the past few years due to this.
I know she will of course be happy for us and won't dream of saying anything negative at all to me but I also know that this news will upset her massively.
I wondered if anyone has had any experience of this kind of situation and has any pointers for me so I can break the news sensitively.
I had thought of announcing it by text so that it gives her the space she needs for her initial reaction and then she can gather herself together? But text seems a weird way to announce my pregnancy to my own sister.

I think phone would be better than text. a text might even seem more hurtful / thoughtless. Phone possibly better than face to face though - if she is upset at least she can have some time to herself after the call.

I know how you feel though - I felt very guilty telling my brother and sil that I was expecting dc3 as they had been trying unsuccessfully for a few years. It seemed very unfair that I was having a third when they had none. However if they did feel sad they hid it well.

Good luck.

Thanks for your response.
Yes, you've hit the nail on the head about why I was reluctant to text (DPs suggestion!), I had an uneasy feeling it may seem thoughtless.
Can I ask, did you acknowledge the fact that your db and his wife would be upset or is it best to act as if they will be happy about it?

No to text - it would be impossible to get the right tone or even the news plus any form of empathy in such a short space

I had a very close friend who had struggled for years when I was expecting my second. I called her when I knew she was at home with her DP, told her and said that I'd understand if she needed some time. She texted back a couple of day later and we talked again. She had spent the evening in tears with her Dp but after a day or two had been able to deal with it

So I'd say call her - and first before anyone else - then give her space and time to come back to you.

Btw congratulations !

It took us over a year to conceive DC1 (no problems - just took time!) but I was massively heartbroken over it all.... My very sensitive friend e-mailed me her news re the imminent arrival of here DC1 and I really appreciated that - e-mail gives you a chance to word your note thoughtfully, and say things like 'I know this might be a sensitive thing for you to hear from me at this time, and I completely appreciate if you need some time to digest the news/and/or don't feel like speaking to me for a bit.' Something like that! A text is too abrupt. A phone call could be difficult if she feels she should say something positive right away when all she might feel like doing is crying. Go for e-mail - I really appreciated my friend's thoughtfulness!

I think you should do it face to face if possible. She's your sister and I have no idea what kind of relationship you have but I'm sure she'll be happy for you because you are family and families want whats best for each other unconditionally. She might be a bit annoyed that you waited this long to tell her.

I'm with Chocolate. I found email the best medium - you can cry/ rant/ scream in private then react appropriately when you see the person.
That is with friends though, not sure if a sister is different, I'm an only child.

I was just thinking, because I have no idea if you guys are close or not my advice might not be worth anything. I can't really assume that all families are like mine, they aren't perfect at all, but there is a lt of love and support. What would you want if the roles were reversed? How would you want her to tell you?

I told close friends of mine by phone when I was pg with dd1 when they were going through their second unsuccessful ivf. I told them a few days before anyone else who they knew so they had a few days to process it before everyone was talking about it. We are still friends 11 years on.

op- I would tell your sis face to face. My ds was sadly stillborn in feb 2011, I have been ttc since April 2011 (I know it's not the same as your sis) my sister announced her pregnancy to me via text message. I was very hurt that she hadn't told me in person. I was/am very happy for her although I am also very envious. Please tell her in person, you can be there to hug her too.

I also had a stillborn baby last year and my sister got my mum to announce the pregnancy to me. She did this over the phone. I was pregnant too and am now due the day after my sister so not sure how I would have reacted if I hadn't been pregnant but my gut feeling would be either in person or via the telephone is the best way to go. If you do it in person than make she she has her OH there after you have gone and don't stay for too long unless she obviously wants you to, not just out of politeness.

FWIW I had to tell my other sister who has been TTC for 4years that me and aforementioned sister are both pregnant and would only have done this is person.

For me email definitely best. In my dark years of TTC and infertility I hated anyone telling me in person. Because it was such a punch to the guts I needed time to recover with my own thoughts.

Even the phone would have felt too awkward. I would have not known what to say and would have just wanted to cry.

The truth is, with EVERY pregnancy announcement I thought "bitch!" for the first few minutes and of course that is unreasonable. The next emotion was shame at being so jealous and then sadness for me.

The pain is so bad that you need time to organise your thoughts and it's a gift if someone gives you time to deal with the information with dignity.

I agree with pretty much everyone else... My situation is different, I had suffered 2 mc's (19 weeks pregnant now!) and my db and sil announced their pregnancy a few weeks after my first mc... They did it by phone, they were trying at the same time as us but it was still an emotional shock and I really appreciated the chance to go away, have a cry with my DH and then compose myself to be genuinely happy for them. When I saw them again, I was ready for it! It's such a bittersweet time, I was devastated for myself that I couldn't have that (or so it felt) and happy that they were going through such a wonderful time. They were very sensitive and let me lead the way in terms of how much I wanted to know, talk about, waited until I asked to see scan photos, I never knew my brother could be so in tune with someone else's feelings!! I'd definitely steer clear of the text option, it would feel quite cold, particularly with family.

All the best

I had to tell SIL who can't have children that we are pg with #4. Having had many problems conceiving our first, I knew it was going to hurt. I would have told her face to face and gently, but was beaten to it by another family member.

I think face to face is best, definitely no to emails / texts. Far too impersonal. Ok by phone if you live far away from her.

I would telephone, acknowledge that it will be difficult news and that you understand that, ask her to get in contact when she feels ready, then get off the phone so she can cry.

Congratulations though!

Please don't announce it by text. I am that sister :(

If my sister announced next pregnancy to me via a text message I would be unbelievably hurt, upset and angry. I would have great trouble coming to terms with it. Phone her up, or even better, arrange to meet.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I have been your sister. If you do it by phone/in person, I'd recommend keeping it short and finding an excuse to finish the conversation and giving her some privacy. It would be great if her DH/DP was around too, so that she could have some support if she needed it. And I completely agree that it would be best for her if she heard before the general masses, so that she has some time to sort herself out before it becomes a general topic of conversation.

You sound like a lovely sister, and hopefully both of you will have new babies in your life soon.

I like email too as it gives space to write a proper message (unlike text), and time for reader to take it in without having to respond straight away.
Or person to person could be a possibility.

Initial thoughts were to include the "Auntie" idea, but I don't know whether that would help at all ....

Hope it goes well x

I don't know about the word "auntie". Auntie in my head has come to be synonymous with infertile.

I have had to do this to a very close relative - twice

First time I spoke to her on the phone and told her (too far away to do it face to face). She didn't take it well and was clearly very upset; I think it was made worse because she felt it was "sprung on her" and she had to try to react positively. I've watched her go through numerous friends' pg announcements face to face too and know now she finds this worse - no escape.

Second time, I did text first, not with the news itself but saying I had something I needed to tell her, and to give me a call when she was ready (or words to that effect). Of course she knew what it was and could prepare herself before giving me a ring. She definitely appreciated the warning and the news went down much better.

As pps show, however, everyone's different; do you know how she reacts to friends/other relatives pg announcements? Can you gauge anything from that?

X posts with Maryz

Definitely not as sensitive as the situation you are in, but when I found out I was pregnant I had a close friend who had been desperately trying for a baby for a couple of years. I was dreading telling her and instead sent a text saying ?We need to meet soon, I have lots to tell you.? I wanted to give her time to prepare herself and she guessed straight away ? any upset she felt was buried before we got a chance to see each other again.

Good luck and congratulations!!

if a close sister ( like mine), then face to face when you have time to sit and cuddle and cry together. It doesn't make it less painful but it helps to work through it together.

but everyone is different, you know your sister better than we do.

Based on what you know about her, does she like to work through painful news in her own way or is better with some support?

just as an aside, i know your sister is important what about her husband. Can you tell him first and have him there when you tell her?

I have also been that sister- twice, in fact, before becoming pregnant myself. And I have been that friend many times! I found it easier, by a long way, when an immediate reaction wasn't needed- so I preferred a card or an email. My sister did text me re her second pregnancy, giving me space to feel sad before I phoned her to be delighted. I really appreciated that, as I understood that she knew I wanted to be happy for her! Phonecalls I found hardest, as I found it really embarrassing that I was too choked up to speak when i so wanted to be able to say "congratulations". Very tricky.

My sister was always great at affirming what an important role I would play in her children's lives, which helped me, and she has really followed through on this.

Sorry, that's all a bit long-winded!