How to sensitively announce pregnancy to my infertile sister?

[terrywoganstrousers]

Hello,
I am currently 11+5 weeks with DC2 and we are starting to think about announcing imminent arrival to family.
My problem is that since DD (9) was born my sister and her husband have discovered that they are unable to conceive naturally and have been through a lot of heartache in the past few years due to this.
I know she will of course be happy for us and won't dream of saying anything negative at all to me but I also know that this news will upset her massively.
I wondered if anyone has had any experience of this kind of situation and has any pointers for me so I can break the news sensitively.
I had thought of announcing it by text so that it gives her the space she needs for her initial reaction and then she can gather herself together? But text seems a weird way to announce my pregnancy to my own sister.

It is nice to be told by the mum-to-be directly, ideally face to face and in private. It is nice to be told ahead of the news becoming common knowledge.

Terry - once you've broken the news, follow your DSis's lead. She might want to talk and find out all the details, or she might want to leave the conversation for later so she can have a little weep get her head around it in private. She will be very happy for you and will not want to spoil your pleasure and wonderful news, so don't over-analyse her response - it may just take a bit of getting used to. Unfortunately this is her problem to deal with and you can't make it better for her, let her find her own way to cope and she will be able to celebrate the new baby and support you.

The emotional response if not one of jealousy or resentment. It is a revisiting of an old grief. Sometimes when I am surprised the grief wells up unexpectedly and may break through my smiles and hugs. It doesn't mean I'm not happy for you - just that there are some complicated emotions to be dealt with.

Msfickle - you have a right to your opinions and freedom of speech. If you choose to exercise those rights by trampling knowingly and insensitively over other people's feelings, then it doesn't make you wrong but it does make you rude and thoughtless.

Wow - x-posts, obviously I'm a slow typist.

Hi everyone- thanks to everyone who has put forward their viewpoints on this matter.
It seems like there is a bit of a split between those who would like to be told face to face and those who appreciate the space. My initial thoughts were that my dsis would probably like a bit of space to mull it over, but I take your points about it being a bad idea via text!
So I am torn between either arranging to meet her with a small pre-warning via text of 'I've got some news' or some such, Or an email (in which i mention the reasons im doing it that way) .
I will mull it over a little bit today. I would like to tell her next week at the latest really as I have my scan on 7th June so it will be pretty much public property after that.

Msfickle-
My dsis will in no way be resentful of me; she'll be happy for me but I think my news will just bring home the fact that she isn't pregnant herself and she will have some difficult feelings around this- I understand and I think she will probably want to go and have a little cry. But it doesn't mean she is harbouring dark feelings towards me, and I don't feel uncomfortable about my pregnancy, I just want to upset my sister as little as possible.

Well mrs trousers, you sound like a very nice person - as I am sure we all are. And that is what we must remember about being on a forum - we don't know one another and there is of course the tendency for us all to be misunderstood.

I wish you every luck with your pregnancy and I hope that when your bundle arrives he/she brings happiness to you and your extended family.

two options :

phone - good point - personal but she can still get off and go and be angry/upset

in person - personal and natural.

my sister was that sister a few times over during 5 years of TTC ...she was always nice about it and very loving aunty. that doesn't mean she didn't want to hit things/me at the time though. just because being upset isn't right doesn't mean you won't feel it.

i think this is more difficult for SILs as well as they dont have as good a relationship in the first place (in most cases.).

I think maybe people's responses will be affected by if they have ever had to be the one being told.
I have and would rather an Email than a text as you can say more, and no way to phone call or face to face as you have to put on the happy face.
Far better to allow time for pity, sadmness, tears etc first and follow it up later.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

Op .. Ive been that sister / friend, and really struggled with others good news.
I hated being told faceo face, phone etc.
Text not good.
I think email is best.
Msfickel, its quite clear, you dont get what it feels like to experience infertility, thats ok, you havent been in that stuation,
Please dont lecture women who have, about their feelings and reactions, cheers.

I would prefer a phone call but a very short one. if I was making the phone call I would pretend that someone was calling me away/child was crying or some such eg 'oh little jimmy's fallen over I'll call, you back later'.

I have been the tellee and prefer face to face. On reflection though, my face to face experiences have been at work so fairly neutral territory (not like having someone in your home) where I could make an excuse and walk away then hide in the toilets.

email better than text I reckon

If you text with "I've got some news" then you've told her by text really ( admittedly quite straight-forwardly )

But I think a good email, explaining briefly that you thought this might give her more space (or something) would be a better option.

But then I don't like texts anyway.

I have been the tellee.

I agree with Maryz the best option is always to have been pre-warned somehow, before having to see the pregnant person and be happy for them.

I think your idea of a text saying "can we meet? I've got some news to tell you" is probably a good one. She will guess what the news is, and have time to get herself together. She can suggest a meeting time/place that she can handle.

Msfickle I think that when someone is experiencing the great joy of a (wanted) pregnancy, it is no real hardship to them to consider the feelings of others. You seem to be saying it's unfair on the pregnant woman to have to consider others - that makes no sense to me.

OP, you sound like a very considerate and sensitive person and I hope it goes well.

I can't actually remember how I found out my sister was pregnant, I think my mum told me. We'd been TTC for nearly 5 years at that point. My sister and I aren't extremely close (though we do get on) and I don't think I had discussed TTC with her, though she may have guessed/been told by my mum.

I didn't resent her for getting pregnant so quickly (honeymoon baby) - I wouldn't want anyone else to go through the sadness of every month as we did, especially not my sister, but it did remind me how sad I was that we seemed to be unable to concieve. I think that's a fairly normal feeling. I was happy for her of course, its definately possible to feel both.

Yes feeling sad because I wasn't pregnant isn't a pretty emotion, but its honest and healthier to acknowledge that we sometimes have negative emotions rather than stressing ourselves out by pretending to be all sweetness and light all the time. Feeling ashamed of those feelings is just adding negative self-image stuff on top of everything, that way leads depression. Much better to express the feelings by having a private cry with one's partner than to build up self hatred. I am an extremely sensitive and empathic person so I strongly disagree that my sadness and frustration at not getting pregnant is some sign that I'm not-a-nice-person. Of course I love my sister and was glad to become an Aunt, but it was difficult to seperate that from still not-being-a-mother.

I know we don't live in a zero sum world where her becoming a mother would make it less likely that I'd become a mother. I know that her becoming pregnant wouldn't make it more difficult for me to concieve. But sometimes our emotions aren't logical.

A few months after her baby was born, I found out that I was pregnant. :)

What a lovely post SpiritedWolf

I remember how I felt seeing my nephew (SILs baby) after we'd been TTC for a year. Very mixed emotions. I have always loved being an Auntie though.

But of course wonderful when 12 mths later we had DD.

Good luck to any on here who need it x

I definitely wouldn't have coped with face-to-face or phone call. I had enough of those with random strangers, work colleagues, old and new friends, other family members and I know I couldn't have kept it together with my sister.

An email or a note would be best for me. That would give you space to say all the things you want to say about not wanting to upset her but wanting her to know from you etc. etc.

To be honest, it is still shocking to remember how raw, primal and violent my emotions could be when someone told me their great news.

It horrified me that I felt like that and I ALWAYS made sure they didn't realise how bad I really felt but it is so much harder to compose yourself and deal with sounding bright and breezy on the phone.

Oh, and I hated the face to face announcements that always came with the cocked head, sympathetic arm rubs, and well-meant but stupid comments like "I am sure it will be your turn soon" etc.

Much easier to read and re-read something in my own time and space and grieve a little for the time I won't have being pregnant at the same time as you and grieve a little for the baby I wasn't going to have.

Then I could be super-Aunt, super-friend and genuinely happy for the pregnant person.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and you sound like a very thoughtful sister.

I was the sister who hadn't been able to conceive. My sister told me over the phone both times and I struggled to hold it together. Whichever way you tell her it is going to be hard.

Definitely in private, and preferably face to face unless that really isn't practical. And time it tactfully if you can. My DH was taken seriously ill and was in hospital, and we weren't sure at the time how fully he'd recover (he has completely, thank God). Some friends came in to visit and told us about their pregnancy, in the ward, in front of my in-laws. I was happy for them, but it was very hard to hold it together. Fortunately they are close enough friends that I was able to tell them later that it had been hard, and that I was so jealous of them I could scream, without them taking it the wrong way.

I recently made another mum cry because I mentioned my pregnancy and feel really bad. I only know her through the toddler group we attend/mutual friends, and we'd discussed TTC, so I knew it wasn't going to be easy for her to hear, but I didn't want to wait until I was showing & it seem like an afterthought or an irrelevance iyswim. I knew it would be hard, & she was very gracious & congratulated me, before crying (& probably getting embarrassed that she was upset). I didn't know what to say/do - I'm not a huggy person or know her that well, so just felt bad for her in my own very British way... I know she wasn't cross at me or upset about my pg, but equally it must be hard to be struggling to conceive a 2nd child and everyone around you is going on to gave their 2nd, 3rd and so on.

Also, not quite the same, but when I found out my younger sister was pg with her 3rd, I got really upset later on, having smiled & did the required stuff in front of everybody. I wasn't even trying to conceive but I wanted children at some point soon & felt it should be 'my turn next'... Stupid & immature perhaps, but I felt that way.

Clearly it'll be different with your sister/closer friend/relative, but I wonder how I could have handled the first situation better and if I could have made it easier on her. I'm just trying to say that its clearly a very emotive issue and it can be hard whomever is pg...

Best of luck.

I have a friend who had fertility struggles and was trying at the same time as me. The day I found out I was preggo, we happened to have a chat about all things hormonal and I mentioned that my period was late and I was planning to test in the test couple of days- it's a little white lie, but I thought it might help prepare gradually. Turns out she was thrilled for me.

Right- update!
I tried to get her over to the house this weekend ( we've just moved house on thurs so perfect excuse) but she has been really busy with work. So I texted her today with 'I'd love to see you soon anyway though, I have some news to tell you x '
So hopefully she will guess before I tell her (especially as we have just moved from a two bed to a four bed house!), and be a bit more prepared.

I'd be honest with her and do it in person. As her sister you can comfort her however she takes it, but I am also sure as your sister she will be happy for you :)