How to sensitively announce pregnancy to my infertile sister?

[terrywoganstrousers]

Hello,
I am currently 11+5 weeks with DC2 and we are starting to think about announcing imminent arrival to family.
My problem is that since DD (9) was born my sister and her husband have discovered that they are unable to conceive naturally and have been through a lot of heartache in the past few years due to this.
I know she will of course be happy for us and won't dream of saying anything negative at all to me but I also know that this news will upset her massively.
I wondered if anyone has had any experience of this kind of situation and has any pointers for me so I can break the news sensitively.
I had thought of announcing it by text so that it gives her the space she needs for her initial reaction and then she can gather herself together? But text seems a weird way to announce my pregnancy to my own sister.

I recently had this same problem - trying to work out how to tell my best friend that I was preg, whilst knowing they'd been trying for years and were starting IVF.

I decided on text, as she doesn't have a smart phone so might read the email at work (which would be bad if feeling emotional) and I thought a phonecall would be awful as she'd feel obliged to sound cheery when actually she might just want to run away and cry at the injustice of it.

She was DEEPLY hurt and very cross and sent me a very very hurt email saying I should have called her and it was incredibly insensitive of me to send a text. I explained that I had thought it through and tried to find the least bad way of telling her (knowing that the news would be bad, no matter how it came across). I am now forgiven but it wasn't fun.

So I guess, from this plus all the other responses, is that it really depends on the person receiving the news and how she prefers to communicate. It's a toughie though, so I wish you the best of luck with it.

I agree with the forewarning idea. My oldest sister had had a miscarriage just a few months before I found out that I was pregnant - I wasn't with the father and hadn't even been contemplating children. I told her husband, who broke the news. I sent an email the next day and invited her over so we could talk. I found out when we met up that a close friend had broken the news in a text just a few days before I did. The text felt really impersonal and she said that she was pleased that her husband told her as he was really the only one who could understand how she felt.

What a touching thread. In a similar situation I opted for a letter - sent by email - to give my close friend space to have the response she needed without feeling she had to pretend otherwise to save my feelings. It really depends on the person. Telling your sister's DH first, perhaps, so he is ready to be there for her, sounds like a good idea. Good luck.

It depends on your relationship with your sister... I'm close to mine and told them to their face, but with another family member who has been struggling to conceive, I really didn't know how to approach it. In the end, I said you're going to be an.... and she was very happy. I thought it was better than saying 'im having a baby'.
I know its probably unrelated but my DP and I have been together years and I've been waiting a long time for him to pop the question (we are getting married next year!) and with every friend that announced 'I'm getting married' in my head I heard 'I'm getting married... and you're not' I'd hate to think that my family member heard 'I'm having a baby... and you're not' so I approached it differently, and over the phone too. She was very pleased or so I judged by her reaction to the call, and how shes spoken to other family members since.

I always found email the best way to receive such news when we were struggling as it gave me time to digest it all, cry if I needed to and then pull my together before I actually saw the person. In person is so hard because you might feel liek crying even though you are genuinely happy for that person, you have to put on an act.

Congrats

As someone who has gone through years of infertility and pregnancy announcements, I would definitely say e-mail her first.

congrats :) you're a lovely sister to think so carefully about this.

IMO if you two are really close, meet face-to-face in a private place where she will be OK with having a sob. perhaps meet at her house or something.

if you're less close or if she's more an introverted person who takes time to process emotions, i would say e-mail. mention in the e-mail that you agonised about whether to meet f2f and you hope that you made the right decision etc. explain that you wanted to give her time to be upset without feeling like she had to hide it from you, that sort of thing.

I have been the infertile friend many times.

I hated face to face. I felt like the announcer was scrutinising my reaction.

Phone ok if the person was sensitive and the call kept short.

Email best-can make it nice, personal and heartfelt. Somehow emails are more sensitive.

I'd rather have a text than be told face to face. However the worst announcement I had was via text. Announcer's tone was really off and the phrases she used were v patronising 'I know this will make you feel terrible' etc. errrrr-actually you have no idea how I'm feeling. I would say tread carefully if you decide to text.

You sounds lovely and very kind so I'm sure whatever you decide you will do it appropriately. Congratulations!

*sound

I honestly find this all very shocking tbh. I cannot imagine why anyone would resent or feel jealous of another close woman in their life for getting pregnant just because you may have had problems.

I think you're amazing to be so sensitive but honesty I think if she was a decent person she'd be happy for you. It took me more than a year to get pregnant and my best friend was pregnant with her second while I was still trying for my first. It wouldn't have even occurred to me to feel upset or resentful.

Msfickle, more than a year? As much as that? And you never felt anything but happy? Wow, you're amazing.

What Maryz said.

This is a thread on Pregnancy. If you want to try and make people feel shit about themselves go to AIBU.

My sil was that sister too. Her mum told her just after her 4th unsuccessful IVF attempt and she was really hurt that her own sister hadn't told her herself. Not sure the relationship has ever got back to the pre pg days despite her now having adopted 2 amazing babies.

Msfickle - don't be daft. I have never experienced infertility myself but of course it's difficult for someone desperate to have their own baby when someone close to them becomes pregnant. Being desperate for a child doesn't make someone a horrible person.

Likewise for a while when it was clear my son was severely disabled I found it difficult to be around children of the same age. It wasn't about resenting their children, it was about not wanting to be reminded of what my son should be doing. I turned FB off for the week that they all started secondary school as well. Not because I didn't want them to go to secondary school but because I didn't want to particularly beat myself up for what ds1 won't ever do.

And when I talk to my friend who has lost a child I don't talk constantly about my child of the same age - that would be rather insensitive. I try not to talk about my son of the same age at tbh.

It's not about making people feel like shit. The op is feeling uncomfortable about her happy news because of over sensitive women. Do her feelings not count?

However sad your experience (and don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that it is very sad) I still can't understand why you'd ever resent someone else their happiness?

Well if you can't understand it, then no one here can teach you :( And it's not about resenting.

Stop posting here please.

But I honestly think that's sad for you. If you don't feel that then good on you.

It's like anything in life isn't it. I don't resent people who have got more money than me or have things I don't have but would like. In life there's always things you have and things you'd like. Resenting someone else or feeling sad for your what you don't have seems like a strange concept to me.

Ariel this also seems typical of the same attitude. "I don't like what is being said so I'll try to shut it down". I'm just presenting a different point of view. Surely freedom of opinion and speech is sacred.

Msfickle it's not about resenting other people their happiness at all. It's about it being a sharp and perhaps painful reminder of what you have lost/may not ever have.

My baby DD died last August and my SIL text me about 4 months later to say 'Just to let you know you're going to be an auntie again' I hated hearing it that way tbh. And hated the 'auntie' angle as well. I didn't resent their happiness at all it just made me sad for what we had lost. It's totally natural and understandable imo. OP I think you sound a lovely sister and however you decide to tell her I'm sure you'll be very sensitive

I do understand honestly I do. I'd also like to point out that none of us know one another on here or know what other people's experience is.

Being sensitive is if course the best route. Why wouldn't you be sensitive if you can? It makes absolute sense

I just heard a very sad story from a friend today who is being bullied at work by a colleague who cannot conceive and it touched a nerve.

I'm not suggesting anyone here would do that but I think we can all take the time to look at how we respond to situations. I will take away the comments posted here and remember them. All I am trying to so is present the other point of view