good things about having a newborn baby?

[SimplySoo]

Can someone who's had a baby please tellme about the positives of having a newborn baby?

This will be our first and very much wanted. It might seem an odd thing to ask, but i've been reading a few threads here, and one of my baby books, and the NHS booklets, and listening to people I know in real life - I am worrying now about the sleepless nights, feeding every few hours, changing nappies, sore boobs, arguments with partner, being skint, recovery from giving birth... everything I read seems to focus on the negative and 'managing expectations', but surely there are good things too, even while they're too young to talk and walk?!

You can take them anywhere and they won't cause trouble. They'll sleep happily as long as you're holding them. Until they get to 6 weeks then wake up

For the last time! I genuinely don't know how many times I need to say it but clearly it's not getting through, though I've said it quite clearly :)

I am making a distinction between those women who find it hard, for whatever reason, and those women who take delight in talking up just how hard it is, how it's the worst thing ever, and making the rest of us feel like it is something to be dreaded.

How can I make it any clearer?? Heavens above.

The happy milk face of a milk drunk baby. Finally getting to meet the little person you've been growing for 9 months. Getting to know them and watching their personality grow. Watching your dh turn into a big melty softie when he holds the baby. Playing with their teeny feet and hands. Dressing them in gorgeous little babygros. Smelling their luvverly milky breath. Putting them in a sling and feeling their hot breath against your chest.

bettybat True, there are arses people who get WAY too enthusiastic when anticipating bad things happening to someone else (i.e. you). I think they're pretty easy to spot and I make a point of always ignoring them bloody scaremongers.

Then when they gleefully ask 'How's it GOING?!' (expecting tears) you say 'Oh, pretty well, thanks' and it totally takes the wind out of their sails and they get quite miffed

The ones who were just trying to be honest about what they personally found hard usually have the grace to smile and say 'That's great' if you tell them things are going well. That's the key difference AFAIC.

I wasn't the clucky or maternal type before I had my baby, and I didn't have the whoosh of love thing, and I found the adjustment extremely distabilising. I did think I may have done the wrong thing, like I wasn't capable of it somehow. What got me through all that was the agreement I'd made with myself to absolutely commit to the baby, whatever my feelings were.

However, even in the wibbly wobbly afternoons in the post-birth hormonal crash - and it is tiring in a brand new way! - what I can honestly say is that the whole world changed when I had the baby, everything felt different, and though it was scary I became so, so emotionally permeable - for the first time in my life beauty could move me to tears - it was just the most extraordinary experience. I would say that embracing that aspect of it - the way it's just an incredible way to be totally knocked out of all your usual ways of being, thinking and feeling - means that you don't have to 'fall head over heels', or feel good, or confident, or anything really - for it to be an absolute wonder.

And that change marks you forever, your sense of what is real and what is important is totally orientated by your child. So mad stuff like arguments with my partner, for example, don't make me think, "is this really working? Should I be with someone who I get on with better?" because he is DS' daddy. But at the same time, I'm not complacent because I want our relationship to model for my son happiness, fulfillment, respect, negotiation in a loving relationship. So, the relationship is 'harder' sometimes, but because we're committed to it working, in a real way, (is this a good and fair relationship?) rather than a self-serving way (does this suit my purposes?).

I never worried about loving the baby enough because I didn't think how I felt really was the salient thing - the most important thing was that he experienced loving, and loving is a series of things you say and do, a way of relating to a person, if it is anything. And it turns out that if you do those things, then love is free to follow - every cell of me vibrates with love for my son now. But even if it didn't, I think this thing of having a baby would be the most extraordinary thing, and I think that the way that the world is remade through your child's eyes, is what people mean when they talk about children as a blessing.

Babies are adorable. They smell divine. They are soft and cuddly and allow you to watch crap tv while you feed them

Honestly, they are gorgeous.

However, I think it is very healthy for women to be able to discuss the upheavals of having a baby, the birth of a new baby, a person you are now responsible for 24/7 brings all sorts of new question to a new parent, not just love and excitement, and therefore, thank goodness that we can talk about it and support each other.

Yes Herrena, scaremongers is the word I was looking for. Thank you :) I was never intending in my initial post to speak to those people who had a hard time and call them martyrs. Never. I was only speaking to the seemingly growing legions of scaremongers.

If I gave time and voice to all my worries, I'd be a wreck in 4 months times. All the hard things posted about in this thread worry me, just like they worry the OP and every other soon-to-be or even experienced parent.

I only ever intended to convey, despite knowing on a conceptual level of how hard things could be, that I trust it will also be wonderful - thus reassuring the OP that I, like her, have my worries but am hopeful for also experiencing those wonderful moments.

I cannot think about the hard things because I am too scared of how/if/will I cope And maybe it hit a nerve that it was read as me somehow being this arrogant being that calls other women martyrs...because I just have so much sympathy for them, and worry that I too will find it hard in the ways they did and even worse, not cope in the way they did.

The thing is betty, you are likely to find it hard- the thing is, it's the hard bits which are easy to describe. The good bits are so amazing, you can't describe them to someone else, and you can't anticipate them. They will knock you for six.

Also, much of the Schadenfreude comes from pride that you have managed to deal with the hard bits yourself. That extreme fear you feel about coping turns into extreme pride that you coped. I swore that I would never become one of the harbingers of doom who plagued me when I was pg with DD1, and lo and behold, mere months later I could hear the hollow laugh in my voice as I described what having a baby would be like to a pregnant friend. You may do it too You have to really stop yourself.

I am on day 7 with DD2 (pic on profile), and I am seeing the lovely bits all over again- yet I'm still having feelings I could not anticipate even second time round.

You will enjoy it despite the difficulties- don't worry if you don't know why or how yet, you're not meant to.

Aww. She is lovely tethersend :)

bettybat I took the following approach to having a baby when I was expecting DS1. I deliberately didn't seek out much info about the hardness of having a newborn (as opposed to practical useful info) on the basis that if I had problems I could google them as they happened and that if I overburdened myself with knowledge then I'd just freak out about stuff that might not happen anyway. I call it the 'Ostrich' approach because my head was well and truly in the sand.

It seemed to work though!! May it work for you too... you're already in a better position than I was because you've discovered the vast repository of advice that is MN

betty

"So I metaphorically stick my fingers in my ears when I hear what I perceive to be masochistic martyrdom from hearing mothers talk who didn't suffer in the ways we're both talking about, but rather just had hard work to get through - and I can distinguish between the two!"

Can you?

Because I didn't suffer in any serious ways, I had no PND, a straightforward baby, and I still struggled. The newborn phase with DD1 is the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's still a time I look back on fondly. tethers describes my feelings about it well - I'm proud that I got through it, and I remember this overwhelming love for, and almost obsessive interest in, my beautiful new baby. It was intense, and worth it, but it was hard.

And it's not for everyone. I remember reading a post by another woman on my post-natal thread a few days in and she sounded so relaxed, so at ease with the whole thing :)

Some people just take to the whole thing like naturals, some have a truly awful time, and some of us just find it really hard to adjust.

"I cannot think about the hard things because I am too scared of how/if/will I cope."

And there's no point thinking about them, because there's no way of knowing in advance.

It's such a big change that until you've gone through it, you don't really know how you will cope.

But if you should struggle, even just with how hard it is despite no "real" problems, that's not a failure, and I hope you will feel happy to talk to other Mums about it, maybe on MN.

And just like there are annoying people who tell you how terrible it will be in advance, on the other side there are their equivalents who insist that having a newborn is easy, just because they found it easy.

Enjoy your pregnancy, and please don't spend it worrying about how you'll manage. You'll manage, and it will be great, even if you don't breeze through it. And you might well be one of the ducks-to-water Mammies. :)

I'm due in 6 weeks with my 3rd. I'm trying not to worry about how I'll cope with more DCs than arms :o

Having a newborn baby is one of the best experiences of your life.

You hardly get any sleep. You are either disturbed by their exceptionally strange (and sometimes alarming) noises, or you worry they are not making any noise at all. However, you wonder why you ever needed that much sleep to cope before as you probably don?t feel particularly tired!

The first smile literally melts you. And the daft, gummy smiles that follow are equally as special.

Being excited over the most ridiculous of things, telling whoever will listen that he/she just ?batted the toy away on the bouncer? or that they managed to pull your hair!

Showing off (and yes, it is ?showing off? in every sense of the word) your newborn who is absolutely the most gorgeous child ever created. Ever.

Taking pictures of everything? sleeping, waking, blinking, smiling? everything! And having those pictures printed and posted to everyone close to you and your baby (showing off, again).

Watching your baby playing with others who love him not-quite-as-much as you do, but are along the same path (and taking pictures of this event too). You realise he?s not just your baby but a ?grandson?, ?nephew? or ?brother? too. And you are responsible for bringing all of this joy to your family and your partner?s family.

Changing nappies is a doddle? my baby?s poo is currently my favourite smell to the extent that I am actually disappointed by a ?just wet? nappy!

As a woman, when you look at what you created you feel strong and invincible. Yet you struggle to believe they were ever inside of you.

Being referred to as ?Mummy? by everyone (hospital staff, family members, work colleagues, friends) for at least the first two weeks. And being able to touch your toes and cross your legs again is nice too!

OP and bettybat- and other soon-to-be first time mums- I used to HATE the 'strawberry-pissers' as I called them, ie those determined to piss on your happy strawberries. It's true that people seem determined to wipe the 'smug' (as they see it) smile off your face.

(They're jealous cos you can still have luxurious naps and go to the cinema!)

But now with my vast (cough) experience of being 2+ years down the line, I look at it differently. I think now that the strawberry-pissing comes from people wanting to validate their own experience. They (unconsciously) feel anxious that their own tough time reflects some sort of inadequacy in them. So they want to make it a universal truth that everyone has a hard time.

I can relate to that. I always, always make sure I smile and say 'that's brilliant' when a friend bleats about her 12-hour-sleeping baby or how easy she is finding it... But inside I do feel a bit panicky and jealous because although I loved having a newborn, and dd was very 'easy', I did find it hard. Just the sheer mindfuck of not being a parent one minute, and being a parent the next. For ever. And when I hear someone is finding it easy it makes me question myself. When a friend with a newborn says 'god it's hard', I feel relieved that it wasn't just me being crap that made me find it hard.

Being bitchy and 'just you wait'ish about it is the wrong way to deal with this, of course. It IS so annoying but it comes from a place of insecurity I think. Perhaps you could just say 'oh, I'm so sorry you didn't enjoy it' and pull a sympathetic/deeply irritating face! Then watch them backtrack and tell you it is the best thing in the world!

I too am hoping that having DC2 will be a doddle. Ha!

Betty if you're feeling this anxious about things then it maybe worth having a chat with your midwife who may be able to help.

Babies are both lovely and hard work but honestly you'll be amazed with what you can cope with when the time comes simply because there is no choice but to get on with it. They are also incredibly repetitive so there is plenty of opportunity to practice your new skill set.

As for the negativity just try and take it with a pinch of salt, ina few months time you'll see how it's much better to be thinking thank god that wasn't me, rather than why didn't I get one of those easy babies

The absolute best thing about a brand new newborn - not being pregnant anymore!!!

There is no easy baby nor hard work baby, my first was an angel all day and as a toddler still is. Healthy, good eater, energetic but does not fight nor bite, calm but chatty, very sweet, smiling a lot, giving spontaneous cuddles and tantrums... It is at nighttime that he is difficult to deal with, from the very beginning and still now :) waking me up several time a night and asking for all sorts of attention at 2 am, then at 5 and by 8 still sleeping when I need to go to work ! Maybe it is my fault, maybe it is not.
They are all different and different to us - thanks God - so it is hard work. But is it not hard work to deal with some one else in general ? we argue with our loved ones, we want to do different things at different time at different pace. I would hate to have a clone of me ! seriously.
Ignore these people who always know what to do when a baby cries, ignore those who pretend having a newborn is just as easy as anything else. Raising kids is the most difficult job in the world. But we will cope and do our best. And do it again with a second and a third... Eventually we will never know if we were good or bad as a parent, if we took the right decision at the time.

their smell

My newborn is 5 weeks - until you hold your baby and he/she looks up at you you won't have experienced a love like it. Yes it's bloody hard work at times but it's also totally amazing - nothing in particular just everything. You also get great cuddles

They are warm and snuggly and precious. It goes in a flash.

Enjoy it.

DD is 11 weeks (we've had a hellish start with reflux but won't go into that)

Yes feeding is relentless n seems like every bloody 5 mins. But that lovely drink grin when they are done is adorable. As is the fat cheeks the get when you burp them.

When you go for a wall anyone who's anyone will want a look and say how gorgeous he/she is. Makes you beem

Yes they cry n whinge. But it's the best feeling that you. Their mum. Can sooth them

Newborns give the BEST cuddles

simplysoo you are an angel for this thread!

I'm 12 weeks pregnant & had my one & only emotional moment with DH 5 mins ago (so far!!!) This a.m we received the NCT mag which has article of pov's from new mothers. Literally, like everything else I seem to have been told / read, it was a series of the most depressing, grinding stories possible.

I feel, right now, that I want a family but do not want a baby. I know I'm very lucky to be pregnant when so many struggle and I also know that it's happening regardless!

However, the stories of new motherhood are unremittingly negative - like being made to do the most repugnant, personal and exhausting jobs for a wildly unreasonable dictator who delights in sleep torture. This immediately after going through something so dangerous and painful that, a hundred years ago would almost certainly have killed you eventually, if not the first time.

Having read so many lovely posts saying that it IS worth it and IS actually enjoyable really helps. Big thank you

I am sure that there's lots of pregnant first timers who feel similarly and I can assure you new mums, that in 2012 we really do not need to be warned about the downsides, every one from nct to nhs makes sure that's all we hear about. It is no wonder people get pregnant later and later!

Thank you for this thread, it has really made me smile.

I'm due in October with my first, and at 37 have spent a lot of years being independant and not responsible for another human being, so simply being pregnant has been a bit of a headfuck!

I'm assuming when the baby arrives that instinct will take over and DH and I will get through, but it is so nice to hear all the lovely things about newborns.

I will admit to being a bit unsure about babies; I want children but have never seen the attraction in newborns and have secretly regarded that stage as "something to be got through" - this thread is giving me hope that it will be a whole lot more than that.

Mine looked ridiculously cute asleep in his sling earlier today. I think nature makes newborns so cute to compensate for the sleepless nights.

When they fall asleep in your arms. When they give you a really satisfying burp. The SMELL. When you sit watching bad TV with your OH just the way you used to only this time there's this tiny, perfect little being with you. The really cute clothes.

the presents

I'll hold my hands up and say that I was incredibly lucky and have a very easy baby and I found the newborn days lovely.

But I know that this is not the norm and I'm fully expecting him to either become a horrendous toddler and/or teenager. Apparently I was a good baby and I was a farking nightmare at 15 so I've got a lot to look forward to.

For my part, I never tell people how awful it is, mainly because yes, there are times when you will be sitting in the back seat of your car breastfeeding when your 4 week old's butt explodes after 3 days of nothing and the resulting poo spurts out the top of the nappy and into your lap and then trickles into your shorts (because we live in the tropics) and knickers, only to realise that you have only 4 wipes in your bag and you're literally sitting in a sea of shit that the one muslin you have only serves to push it around the seat, so you have to strip the infant down to his nappy, attempt to wipe him with dirty tissues strewn about the floor, strap him back in his car seat with no clothes and then drive home on an old beach towel all the while trying to not boak at the feeling of baby poo squidging into your bum crack.... where was I? Oh yes, all the "hard" parts are worth it even if a lot of time there is shit involved. I greatly admire parents of colicky babies and those that barely sleep and can come out the other side with their sanity intact.

I think the way I got through it was to not put any pressure on myself on how I was going to be a parent. As long as the kid was alive at the end of the day and "happy" then I was doing brilliantly. I am not perfect, and I'm never going to try to be. DS is now 8 months and is becoming more of a wilful bugger every single day and it's more tiring now than it was when he was teeny but I love every bit of it and believe me when I say that every day gets better and better.

Try not to listen to the horror stories - their experiences are completely different to what yours might be like. Yes, you will probably find some parts incredibly difficult in those early days but for every one "bad" thing, there are two "beautiful" things and that bad thing might lessen in impact.

Oh, and another thing. You can't bank sleep. I can't tell you how I wanted to bitch slap every single person who said "you'll never sleep again" and "get as much sleep as you can" as if you can call on those reserves of rest when your asleep standing up for the twentieth time that night. What I've learned is that when you're regularly being woken up and clock up maybe 5 hours of sleep in any one night, you adapt pretty damn quickly. And you can actually feel ok on that. It's when baby starts sleeping 12 hour stretches from 7pm to 7am pretty consistently and then has one bad night teething and keeps you awake from 3-5am that you feel utterly bone breakingly exhausted.

Fret not OP, you're going to have a blast. It is honestly the best thing in the world - hope all goes well.

I LOVE the newborn bit. In fact I had been meaning to start a thread because I was sure I wasn't the only one. A lot of people think of the newborn stage as a bit to be endured, but oh, I just love it.

• not being pregnant any more is wonderful.
• A bone fide reason to sit down for hours at a time ("I would get up and help but I'm doing a very important job cuddling this baby. Please bring me a Mars Bar")
• Just the massive hormonal love rush. I get high on it.
• Staring at your baby. Seeing them grow before your eyes. The first time they focus on your face. The first time they recognise you. The first smile.
• Having a newborn makes me feel so important. I am the reason this little person is alive, and I am completely necessary to them. ("Stand aside everyone, MUMMY is coming through!")
• Everyone is so nice to you and brings you cake and tells you how brilliantly you are doing and how gorgeous your baby is and how fantastic you look (a lie, but still lovely to hear).
• It is such a gentle time if you don't battle your baby - they sleep when they want to sleep, they feed when they want to feed, they are held for as long as they want to be held, they are loved and kissed, they sleep and smile and snuggle and nothing you do is wrong. Just relax and quietly look after them.

God, I revel in it. I have an 11 week old at the moment. Bliss.