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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Anyone else disappointed by gender scan? Feeling really horrid...

81 replies

Naisy · 16/05/2012 08:07

Feeling really ashamed of myself. Was looking forward to 20 week scan yesterday and was firstly disappointed by the scan experience. Didn't really get to see 'the baby' bar two quick glimpses. Everything is ok and the guy was very curt and focused on his job (fair enough) but felt like a big anti climax

Then he said we were having a boy (we wanted to know gender) and then out in the hall afterwards my DP was so excited and I burst into tears

Had of course said it didn't matter what gender, as long as the baby was healthy (like everyone else)- but I guess I wanted a girl. But on being told boy I feel really bereft - and ashamed of feeling this way . We had planned to go and buy a few outfits and we did but my heart wasn't in it and I felt like I was performing for DP. Couldn't even look across to the girls section for fear of crying again.

Still feeling qiuite teary this morning and am frightened by my reaction. Can anyone offer me any reasssurance? I feel awful...

OP posts:

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BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 16/05/2012 21:46

Glad everything seems to be going well for you op. hope the rest of your pg goes well and you have a healthy baby at the end of it.

I have two young boys, 5 and 10 months and pg with 3dc.

Firstly I can assure you that your boy will be the apple of your eye, you will dote on him and you will adore him to the bone.

If you were hoping for one sex and it's another then I can understand you feeling a bit let down.

My dh was gutted when we found out we were having ds2. He was, and still is desperate for a girl. We find out in a couple of weeks what we're having and I hope it's a girl, for dh mainly as we're not planning on having any more dc. Personally, for me, I don't care whether it's boy,girl or kitten-as long as its healthy.

No point in beating yourself up about how you feel. You won't feel this way in a few weeks. Good luck and I hope you enjoy having a son. I'm so proud of mine and I wouldn't change them for anything in the world.

EmmaCate · 16/05/2012 21:55

I guess I kind of wanted a girl - I think it's natural to want one of your own gender so you can imagine chumming up later in life. Especially if you are (as I am) very close to your mother. However DC1 was a boy.

But it made sod all difference! Boys are fantastic; cuddle and kiss monsters. I have a girl now too and I bet she'll be a right madam to spite me. Don't worry; I think when your baby comes out (or soon afterwards at least), you'll be all full of love for him just being there, well, and seeing you as the centre of his world. Your hormones are a bit awry when pregnant... I wouldn't dread this feeling staying with you.

AKMD · 16/05/2012 21:59

:o at giving birth to a healthy kitten...

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 16/05/2012 22:06

Well you never know AKMD

Purplelooby · 16/05/2012 22:19

I found it strange that I was disappointed because, like a couple of other posters, I went through fertility treatment for a long time to get here, then had a number of scares in early pregnancy. All I wanted, all I ever wanted, was a healthy baby, so I was very angry about my own disappointment and this thread is literally the first time I've admitted it.

I'm glad I chose to find out at the 20 week scan though, because now I can't wait to meet my little baby boy and it's a weight off my chest that I'm not hoping for a girl. Will definitely find out last time if the option exists.

Casualty · 16/05/2012 22:32

Hope you're feeling better Naisy, I felt like this with DC2 finding out he was a boy. In my mind, my plan, it had to be 3 children - girl, girl, boy. So when I found out he was a boy my husband and I felt exactly the same as you, he was punching the air and I was trying not to cry.

I am a bit of a blamer and I remember 3 days later sat in the car thinking about it, and it hit me, its no ones fault. this is the way it is and from that day forward I was fine. Bit embarrasing now thinking about it though!

I think he's so loving, cuddly and fun that when I went for 20 week scan with DC3 I was chuffed to bits he was a boy

Disclaimer: Obsviously I love DD just as much!

Badgerina · 16/05/2012 23:24

OP, sounds like you're having a tough time wrestling your true feelings and your guilt about those feelings. I've been there (DH and I had hoped for a girl, and felt those pangs of disappointment when DS2's willy popped into view on the sonogram!). All I can say is you're doing an amazing job with dealing with your emotions. Many people don't even admit to themselves that they feel disappointed about the gender, let alone discuss it with others.

Don't let anyone tell you how you "should" feel about this issue. Your feelings are your own. You've acknowledged your disappointment, you've even come here to discuss it. Kudos to you for be open and aware. Your future son is lucky to have such an emotionally aware mother.

Talking about your feelings, attending to them and being aware of where they come from is (in my mind) the foundation of parenting and all intimate relationships.

I promise you, you will not remain disappointed for long! Boys are AWESOME.

TheSecondComing · 16/05/2012 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beatofthedrum · 17/05/2012 08:00

Love that post TSC - great image of the lion king!!

whenhenshaveteeth · 17/05/2012 08:43

Awww! Lovely posts Badgerina and SecondComing - you made me cry!

york67 · 17/05/2012 19:10

I understand how you feel. I too was disappointed with my 20 week scan. I did get a quick glimse of the baby but the picure is so blurry. All my fault of course as scan paerwork indicates low resolution is due to my BMI. This is written next to the line. all seems normal but we can't guarantee it or words to that effect.

Goldrill · 17/05/2012 21:04

Our 20 week scan with DC2 is just coming up and I am in two minds. We have wonderful DD already and I am not at all a girly person, and logically and sensibly I know a boy would be just perfect - particularly love the thought of being mum to a big grown up chap for some reason. But having said that: she is going to be a girl - she just is - and I suspect I will also be very (irrationally) upset if she's not! Hormones are a dreadful thing!

(I thought the very best bit about DD's 20 week scan - apart from her being fine, of course - was being able to see her spine and all her ribs. How cool is that?! Not something you will ever get to see again - amazing. Gender was a bit of a minor thing after that!)

zadigeist · 17/05/2012 21:21

I found out at my anomaly scan that one of my babies had been lost.
I can understand gender disappointment (perhaps less if this is your first baby) but really there are far worse things that can happen OP - it will turn out ok in the end. You can't help the way you feel but everything that really matters about that scan and the baby you are having, you are taking for granted. I'm sure that you'll love your baby boy so much you will wonder how you ever thought this way.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 18/05/2012 06:26

Op I was very disappointed when I found out I was having a boy, there was no doubt as it was as a result of an amnio. I had other stuff also going on with a lot of feelings of doubt and depression about the pregnancy full stop.

Re tge scan, it's not there to give you pictures if tge baby it's a medical test. Even after my amnio I still spent mine gripped by fear they might find something wrong. I was reassured by my professional hcp.

I can highly recommend a 4d scan. I had one with dd, was too depressed to have one with ds though, guess I'll have to explain that to him one day.

Give yourself time to get used to tge sex. My ds is now 8 mths and I am totally in love with him.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 18/05/2012 06:28

zadigeist is totally correct, I feel so guilty about my feelings when pregnant and when he was first here.

thatboysmum · 18/05/2012 11:37

I felt the same. With DS1 we were obviously hoping for a healthy baby but our 'family picture' was a boy, we got him. With DC2 we were again hoping for a healthy baby but would have loved a girl. We found out that DC2 is infact another DS. I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed that it was another boy and felt utterly shit for even thinking it but I did, we had already decided we would only have 2 children so this was it and so I was kind of grieving the fact that it would never happen for us. That was 5 weeks ago and i'm definitely more used to the idea, i'm just looking forward to meeting him now.
I completely get why people say you should just be grateful for a healthy baby, I can assure you I am VERY grateful that so far everything seems fine, but I did have an 'ideal' picture in my head and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It was just something I felt and couldn't actually control even though it made me feel guilty as hell. You will get past that feeling especially when you think of all the great things boys do! This baby will be loved and treated in exactly the same way as DS1 when he arrives and we will all just be happy that he is here.

chipmonkey · 18/05/2012 15:10

I think that sometimes it's not helpful to point out to someone how lucky they are. Certainly after losing dd, I feel that anyone who has a healthy baby should appreciate what they have and I do feel envious of my friend with five boys because we were due the same time and she still has her baby. But I do remember being the Mum of boys who wanted a girl and even though the sadness doesn't compare at all with losing dd, which is off the scale when it comes to sadness, it was still a sadness. And I do love my boys, I haven't put any of them out with the rubbish yet.

Northernlurker · 18/05/2012 15:57

I agree. The disappointment some people feel does not mean they aren't also rejoicing in the new baby. It's interesting to see how many dads clearly experience gender disappointment too.

Pancakeflipper · 18/05/2012 16:02

Boys are brill.

You will love him so much it will make your heart explode.

blackcurrants · 18/05/2012 16:22

Hi OP, I haven't read the whole thread but I love what SOH has said: "You're letting go of the child you won't have not rejecting the one you will." - I always imagined having a girl - my siblings have daughters, I'm very close to my Mum .. and there was part of me that panicked - what will I do with a boy? Will he stay in touch when he grows up? and you know, it really does grow on you that you're not having a boy or a girl, you're having a little person and that little person is going to think you're the best thing in the whole world, and love you with all of his being.

DS is two in a few months and if someone said "hey I can wave a magic wand and make the same little person but you'd have a daughter instead of a son" I'd say no way! He's perfect in all respects, to me, and I wouldn't change him into a girl if I could. Even though DH and I both kinda wanted a girl during the pregnancy, the reality of DS jolted those feelings away - he's ours and he's blissful and oh, you're going to love having a son and he's going to adore you!

Don't feel bad about how you're feeling, and also, don't worry too much about it.

sweetkitty · 18/05/2012 16:34

I always wanted a DD and had one first, she was so fab I wanted her to have a sister and we had DD2. I had a mc then nearly list baby no3 so was delighted when she was another DD.

Everyone assumed with DC4 we wanted a boy, I wanted another girl, I know girls and felt 4 DDs a little girly gang would be perfect. Had her name chosen and everything. Of course DD4 is DS I honestly was upset at the scan, didn't know how I would relate to or love a wee boy. Of course he's 2 now and we all adore him, he's a typical boy but so living such a mummy's boy, I'm a covert to boys now.

My advice is take a few days to sort your head out, it's almost like you are grieving for the girl you won't have then start thinking about the boy you will have. Buy some cute blue (or neutral) clothes, discuss names.

And as everyone always says once you see him you will fall so utterly in love with him you'll laugh at this thread.

chipmonkey · 18/05/2012 16:40

And my ds1 is now just about to bring me in a cup of tea! I love my boys.

ginsmytonic · 18/05/2012 17:02

sorry you feel you dont feel how you expected Naisy. I do wonder with all our wonderful advances in technology, to find out the gender unless for medical reasons, is wrong. While pregnant or given before, i guess we have secret thoughts and dreams of our child and yes i expect with most of us an urge for a son or daughter creeps in, its only natural to have an image.

I didnt find out the sex each time and am very glad. I was lucky and had that instant passionate love for my child as soon as they were born. I will admit Naisy i did have a secret preference both times and got that preference so now i dont know if had i had the opposite sex would have in that post birth moment have not given a hoot and again just bonded with that child and felt the same love and passion, i truly hope so. i just wonder if you dont find out in the heat of the post birth it all becomes irrelevent.

i have had a scan at 20 weeks , second one, that went on and on, as there was a problem which after an amnio am glad to say became nothing, but i cant say i treated either as an exciting moment to find out the sex, more to know the baby was healthy and alive and wriggling around.

i hope you can put the mythical girl baby firmly away and concentrate on the gorgeous son you will treasure. best of luck and many congratulations

Mobly · 19/05/2012 11:15

I have 2 boys, 2yrs and 4yrs, they are absolutely wonderful and amazing. They make me laugh so much. They are sweet and lovely. Exhausting at times and so full of energy!

I'm expecting a 3rd boy. I have had no end to the 'Oh no!' type comments (and this is when I'm smiling & happy) so I'm feeling very protective of little boys at the moment.

You feel what you feel and you can't help that. It's partly hormones I should imagine.

Now tell yourself how blessed you are to be having a gorgeous and healthy little baby. It's wonderful that your DP is so excited.

Original poster

Naisy · 22/05/2012 15:17

Hello again,

It's taken me over a week to respond to all the wonderful responses to my initial post as I've been really overwhelmed by the number and quality of the responses.

Would have loved to respond individually to many but work just doesn't allow me the time at the moment.

I certainly no longer feel alone in having felt the way I did to news I was haviing a little boy and not a hoped for little girl.

I've taken a lot of time to reflect on why this might be and posts have really helped me to look into what the underlying reasons I felt disappointed are. I've spoken at length with my DP, who also read this thread, and he's been really supportive - after initially being disappointed, worried and confused. So thanks Mumsnetters.

I felt a lot of people understood my concerns - and that I was sad for the little girl I wasn't going to have, not that I didn't want the little boy I am having. And naturally, I feel for all those women who have posted about tragedy and loss.

As to my own reason for disappointment? I have an older sister with three wonderful kids, 2 girls and a boy. And I have a younger brother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia whilst still a teenager. He has never worked and doesn't function as an 'adult'. He still lives at home with my parents who love and care for him and invest an enormous amount of time and love and get nothing in return. This is not my brothers fault. It's the nature of the illness to not emotionally connect. But I guess at some base level I saw daughters as 'good' and sons as 'bad' in my own personal family experience. I think I've also been worried that having a boy will somehow mean he has a greater chance of getting sick like my brother (which is totally unfounded and irrational), as I have a cousin with a mental illness who is also male. So daughters = loving and engaged in the family unit and boys = disconnected and uninterested. I know there is no logical basis for this feeling and have the most wonderful nephew already. But talking it over and really thinking it though has helped me understand my reaction.

In fact, it would seem he has weighed in on the conversation as, since I last posted, he has been super active and makes me smile whenever I feel him. Can't wait to meet him!

Thanks you all again for all of your lovely posts x

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