Anyone else disappointed by gender scan? Feeling really horrid...

[Naisy]

Feeling really ashamed of myself. Was looking forward to 20 week scan yesterday and was firstly disappointed by the scan experience. Didn't really get to see 'the baby' bar two quick glimpses. Everything is ok and the guy was very curt and focused on his job (fair enough) but felt like a big anti climax

Then he said we were having a boy (we wanted to know gender) and then out in the hall afterwards my DP was so excited and I burst into tears

Had of course said it didn't matter what gender, as long as the baby was healthy (like everyone else)- but I guess I wanted a girl. But on being told boy I feel really bereft - and ashamed of feeling this way . We had planned to go and buy a few outfits and we did but my heart wasn't in it and I felt like I was performing for DP. Couldn't even look across to the girls section for fear of crying again.

Still feeling qiuite teary this morning and am frightened by my reaction. Can anyone offer me any reasssurance? I feel awful...

I really wouldn't worry or be too hard on yourself, sounds like its quite common to feel that way. We found out we were having a boy a couple of weeks ago and I was surprised by how disappointed I felt (even though I'd been convinced it was a boy from the first scan - no idea why). DH on the otherhand was all set to rush off and start buying him lego!

Sorry you were disappointed by your scan experience. If it makes you feel any better, I think the build up and all the anxiety of waiting to find out if everything's ok can make even the best scan feel like an anti-climax.
I'd concentrate on the fact you have a healthy baby in there and I'm sure in a few weeks time you'll be just as excited about having a little boy. x

? OP knew the 20wk scan is an anomality scan, stop giving her a hard time. It also happens that this is the time when people can find out the sex of their baby if they want, it doesn?t mean that?s all they care about.

? It?s up to everyone whether or not they choose to find out the sex of the baby, there?s no right or wrong way of doing it. Your baby, your choice, bollocks to everyone else.

? It?s a surprise whether or not you find out at 20wks or 40wks.

? The comment that it?s unnatural to find out the sex of the baby before they?re born is ridiculous. We couldn?t do it before because we didn?t have the technology, it doesn?t mean it?s ?unnatural?. Fake boobs are unnatural, finding out the sex of your baby at 20wks is technology, and if you don?t like it, throw out your Iphone.

? It?s very, very sad that some people cant? have babies or miscarry or have still borns. It?s truly horrendous but it doesn?t mean the people who haven?t gone through this trauma are spoilt little brats. We?re all grateful for having healthy babies in the first place so help this poor woman instead of slapping her in the face because your angry about your situation.

? Not everyone gets the rush of love lots of people talk about ? a lot of my friends have had it and they didn?t know the sex.

? It?s common to be disappointed and it doesn?t make you a bad person. You might need a few days or weeks to get used to the idea but you will. I can tell you from experience that you will. Look at all the little boys in the street, look how cute they are!

? Boys rock and boys clothes are a lot better than I thought. Mine is dressed up in a really cool (without being silly) way, he?s a dude.

? I wanted a girl, I got a boy and I embraced it. I love him more than anything now and I can?t remember what life was like before him.

? You?re not a freak, you?re just pregnant x

Agree with what whenhenshaveteeth couldn't have said it better!!

One of my friends went through exactly the same as you OP. She knew when pregnant that her dc would be her one and only and convinced herself she was having a girl. When she found out at the 20 week scan she was having a boy her DH was delighted and she was in floods of tears outside the hospital and really down about it for a few weeks after. However since the birth of her DS nealry a year ago she has been nothing less than besotted with him.

I think one of the problems with finding out at 20 weeks is that the idea of the baby is still rather abstract so you are only focussing on having a boy or a girl and I'd imagine that people who are disappointed at their scans would, had they waited until the baby arrived, have not given two hoots once they have a healthy baby in their arms.

I hope you feel better soon and everything goes well with the rest of your pregnancy :)

I have said before on here - I cried for 3 days when we found out DS1 wasnt a girl
Dh and I both thought we had no preference, however he was over the moon to be having a boy (and now admits he would have felt a bit disapointed if it had been a girl)
My pregnancy with DS2 was SO different I thought he was going to be a girl so it then knocked me sideways that he was another boy.
they are now 5 and 8 and I love them so much but that hasn't taken away my thought that I would love/have loved to have a daughter.

We aren't having more children so it isn't going to happen, the little girl in my mind will benefit from never being tarnished by the reality of what having a daughter can be like.

By the time your little one is born you will be there, and so excited to meet him.
An awesome journey you are making together. Enjoy!

It is normal and just for a bit of balance here - it is not always women wanting girls! Me and DH have a DD and we would absolutely love a baby boy this time round (and if we were completely honest would have loved a boy 1st time). We are still debating whether or not to find out, because I am ashamed to think that if we find out it is another girl we will feel disappointment. My personal feeling is that we shouldnt because on the day he/she is born we will both fall completely in love.

OP, I only found out the gender once on all my five children, and that was with ds4. I always really wanted a girl and had three boys at that point. I remember the sonographer saying "That's his boy part" and pointing out his willy on the scan, pretending I didn't care and then cried all the way home.
With the others, it hadn't seemed so bad because I didn't find out at the scan, I found out when I had a lovely squishy baby to cuddle! I honestly had thought that it was better to find out before he was born but my experience was the opposite.

We did have dd last year and then sadly she died when she was 7 weeks old. There have been times when I have irrationally felt that she died to "punish" me for not being grateful for the boys but then I know that's not true because all through the pregnancy I told myself that she would be a fifth boy and would fit right in. I was delighted that she was a girl but she was born very prematurely and my first worry was whether she would be OK.

But what I wasn't expecting was the number of people who thought her death was all the more tragic because she was a girl as if I wouldn't have minded so much if one of the boys had died. At the end of the day, she was a baby just like they had been It was lovely to have her but not that much more lovely than having the boys IYKWIM.

Today i went shopping with my pfb son. His a great big man now. I walked round the shops and he was carrying all the shopping and yes he did look around the clothes shops with me. His the apple of my eye, funny, handsome and great company. So, your having a Ds how wonderfully exciting!

Hi
At my scan fo dc3 I was really hoping for a girl as this is my last baby and my other 2 were boys, yep you've guessed it, it was another boy! I was upset and as soon as I got to my mums house burst into tears so yes its perfectly normally, for me it upsets me to know I'll never have a daughter, buy pink do the girly things with her. We went shopping on the same day and everywhere we went could see myself looking at the dresses and girl stuff! When I got home that night my husband made me cry as in was in arsey mood and had even been rude to my mum which I told him was out of order and then I cried again! He rang my mum to apologise and she told him how upset I was as he really hadent got a clue! We talked it through and that helped. Now I've really 'come to terms' with it and the thought of 3 boys actually seems pretty cool :), I am still always going to be a bit gutted I'll never have a girl but at the same time it wont impact on the excitement and joy I have now, especially as I am bleeding at 26 weeks it really hits home!

I have my 20 week scan this exact time next week and am anxious not only about the health of the baby but if I'm being really honest the gender too.

My sis in law is having a girl and which has made me think for definite that I'm having a boy, along with generally feeling like I am anyway and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Bit worried that I'll cry at the scan with the confirmation of it, even though I have a younger brother who I love and adore so feel really guilty/silly for these feelings. Plus DH would be so happy! Said he'll be pleased with either but you know...

Plus all I keep seeing around are baby boys everywhere, everyone seems to have boys, I was at docs earlier and all the babies and toddlers were boys - felt like it was an omen :)

Feel awful and shallow even writing this but just wanted you to know Naisy -it seems like it's a common thing/concern. I do love little boys too, and I know at the end of the day I'll be happy because it's (hopefully) healthy so it's an odd thing. Guess it's to do with feeling like we'd relate more to our own gender?

Also wanted to add, sorry for those of you who have lost babies at this stage, really awful and tragic.

OP you have had some great advice on here. Please take it from me that the ONLY thing you will care about when you have your baby in your arms is that he is happy and healthy. When I gave birth to DS I was so shocked that I had a real live perfect baby that it didn't really register at first what sex he was.

I've also had a MMC, and have had many many friends who've had stillborn babies, or babies who've had serious health problems and have died. Believe us all when we tell you that if you have a healthy baby, you'll be the luckiest lady in the world.

Boys by the way, are utterly utterly brilliant. Mine is the sweetest, loveliest person I have ever met, and the idea that I might get to cuddle him for the rest of my life makes me so happy I cry every time I think about it. Plus as a bonus - no rancid Jordan pink glittery rubbish cluttering up the house! Relax, when your little man is here, you'll feel the same way too I guarantee it.

You are giving yourself a really hard time and you shouldn't, its the hormones and letting go of an idea, you will love your boy completely.

I do think being reminded of how lucky you are is agood thing, and I don;t think posters have been harsh. Have a read of the miscarriage boards and the utter devastation that late losses cause and thank your lucky stars.

I really wanted a girl as already have a ds, I was dreading being disappointed if we found out at the scan that our second is a boy. But I wasn't, not after about a millisecond anyway. I did tear up but that was because we ttc for 3 years for this baby and I was just so relieved he was ok. We decided his name in the car on the way home! Believe me I looked wistfully at dresses while buying him some clothes and I'm sad that I'll never be mother of the bride or have that bond that only a mum and daughter can have but I'm over the moon to be having a little man. So much so that although we've had 2 scans that confirm he's a boy (and I have very good picture evidence!) at my last appt my Ob said you know what you're having don't you and I said yes a boy and there was this pause and I thought oh my god please don't tell me it's a girl! Just shows how you'll come around to the idea in time :)

OP I felt exactly the same when I first found out I was having a boy, but I just couldn't imagine 'my son', whereas I could totally picture 'my daughter' and every time I spoke to my baby I was really talking to a girl.

I'm now 25 weeks and I have totally lost all of those negative feeling - by now I only want a boy I can't imagine having a girl. In fact, knowing the gender has really helped me to talk to my baby (although this slightly annoys me because I am very against gender stereotyping and have taken quite a 'man' career route). I already love him and I can't remember how it felt to be disappointed so please rest assured that you're feelings will change and will do so quickly. It took me about a fortnight I think but it was gradual.

And also well done for posting this - as predicted you got a bit of stick but I think a lot more of us understood exactly how you felt.

I'm secretly hoping for a girl this time, already have DS and know this will be my last pregnancy. I'm hoping to find out at my 20 week scan, and also considering amniocentesis/CVS (not to find out gender but because of my age). But I do feel it's another boy this time.

I think it's better for me to find out earlier so I can do my "mourning" beforehand & process things if it's another boy - then get excited about once I've come to terms with it - would rather get that phase over & done with earlier in the pregnancy. Plus it means I can clear out all the boy clothes I've kept & buy some girlie stuff if needed - or just keep the boy stuff if it's a boy!

I have no doubts that I'll love the child to bits no matter what gender, but I do feel I'll miss out on the mother/daughter things in later life. I don't know that many adult males who are really close to their mums, but I do know plenty of women who are!

But hey-ho, what will be will be.................

I also cried with relief though at my 20 week scan when i found out i was having a boy. I was DESPERATE for a boy. I already had a DD and didn't want another girl. In fact I had been disappointed when I had DD.

I think it is very important to be able to discuss this issue openly and without being judged and criticised for our feelings. I eventually found out there were very deep rooted reasons for my boy preference which I could only explore by first admitting my desperation for a boy/disappointment at a girl.

I really wanted a girl with my second pregnancy but found out it was another boy at 20 week scan. I felt a flicker of disappointment but literally within minutes was very excited about having another son (maybe it'll take you a little longer but at least you'll get any negative feelings out if the way before baby's born). My little boy is 7 now and I'm elated to have two sons. If I was to go for a third (I'm not!), this time I'd genuinely not care what sex it was, in fact I would happily have another boy! There's nothing wrong with having a preference as long as you eventually manage to get it into perspective and deal with it before you give birth

What a lovely lot of responses OP.

Sometimes MN can be less than forgiving about gender disappointment.

I felt it with my DS. I cried all the way home after the 20 week scan. I felt certain I was carrying a girl, I couldn't possibly have a BOY

To be honest I struggled through the pregnancy but once he was born he wasn't just a 'boy' he was my son, with a face, hair, beautiful eyes etc.

Lots of people have a preference. Just because some people suffer stillbirths or cant have kids doesnt mean you can't still prefer a girl/boy. For DC2 I TTC for 3years had failed fertility treatments, had a miscarriage and STILL had a preference for a girl.

There are so many complicated reasons why people have a preference but all we can do is try to be grateful and make the best of what we have got.

My best friend was in the same boat. However her DS is her absolute pride and joy and she is genuinely glad now that she had a boy.

I don't think you really got such a hard time, OP. I think people just tried to get you to see the bigger picture, not judge you. The 20 week scan is about the baby's health...the ability to see the sex is just a happy by-product of technology moving forward. I don't think anyone suggested you weren't interested in hoping/knowing that ultimately you just have a healthy baby :)

For what it's worth, I had a really hard time struggling with the prospect that we might have a boy - I mean it's 50% possible, right?! As our scan edges closer, we've actually decided not to find out. I was having all sorts of secret worries - from a personal perspective, my brother is a very toxic person who absolutely, pathologically hates my mother but loves our father. I was terrified of having a boy because I could never see what my mother did to deserve such vitriol from her son. I also just couldn't relate to having a little boy, and - and in no way is this a big deal but represents my irrational perspective - I HATED all boy's names and that all just added to the secret worry I might have a boy.

But then...I don't know, maybe he picked up on it, but DH started making noises about not finding out. I was so looking forward to it, but every argument I put forward to find out just further highlighted my worries - that I might not bond, that they might hate me, that I am not cut out to be a mother - which is entirely wrapped up in the worry of having a boy.

So we just decided not to find out and I'm happy with that. As someone else said, sex is not the person. Your baby is the person - the person he is already, the person he will grow into, the person he will grow up to be. When I think about it like that, suddenly I am bonded to my baby. Plus we found the coolest name EVER for our baby if it's a boy, which if we get to us will make me feel like the coolest mofo around

Please don't give yourself such a hard time...you will have your baby, he will be happy and healthy and so you will, and you might look back on this and remember that deep down, you know none of that really matters :)

I am on my fifth boy , no girls & everyone expects me to be disappointed. I love boys, they are so lovely! I can't imagine having a girl now & tbh the fact your baby is alive & well is the most important thing. Try & be positive.

Just wanted to add that I had my 20wk scan today and guess what? It's another boy!

So I had 5 min of: "Oh, not a girl than. Some people are really jammy and have whatever they want". And then, I started picturing him and became very excited! I cried for my first and this time, by the time we drove back home we had already chosen a name for him!

Having 1 son already has taught me that boys really are great and I'm genuinely happy. We always said if we had 2 boys we'd definitely have a third but now I'm not so sure. I quite like the idea of being a mum of boys and I said I would only have a third if we felt the need for another child NOT to try and have a girl IYKWIM.

Enjoy your pregnancy x

I don't think other posters have been unduly harsh - rather the opposite. There's no excuse for a sonographer bring rude but complaining about being disappointed with the experience seems, at best, to be rooted in some rather unrealistic expectations about the purpose of an anomaly scan.

I can understand why people want to find out gender at 20 weeks but I think they sometimes forget that it's not the whole deal, it's a nice extra as Bettybat points out. I know hormones sometimes make perspective fly out the window but when my 20 week scans have indicated a healthy foetus i've just been damned grateful.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh OP but I think some perspective is required.

We're expecting DC2 and TBH both of us will be disappointed if we are having a DS2. We didn't find out with DS1 but this time will probably be our last and I want to work through any disappointed feelings before the baby arrives, because I was disappointed when DS was born and that was horrible. It wasn't more than momentary but I remember it.

I refuse to feel guilty about having a preference because I know that once DC2 arrives it will make no difference to how much I love them or how much effort I put into parenting them.

For me, I'm not sure that being able to find out the gender at the anomaly scan is the best thing. I found out with DS, and was irrationally disappointed that he was a boy. Now, like ilovedaintynuts I have gone though fertility treatment (ivf twice) as well as emergency surgery to remove and ovary during my current pregnancy. It means that our particular chances to conceive again are small, even with Ivf, so this will most likely be our last child. I know deep down I would be disappointed if it is a boy, yet I know how lucky I am to be pregnant at all.
I have no idea why I feel this way, my DS is amazing. I will choose not to find out the gender at our scan, because I do not want time to 'get used' to the idea of having another DS, I do not want the disappointment that I know will come if it's a boy. I want to get to know my child after he or she is born, and love them because they are my baby. I agree with panda that knowing gender early on is too abstract, once you give birth, all you care about is that child in your arms.

So sorry to the posters that have lost precious babies, and thank you for reminding me how lucky I am.