Thank you everyone for your messages of support, especially those who have been through it - I appreciate you opening your hearts to me about something that must be very difficult to re-live. I went in to hospital on Monday, all the staff were fantastic, I delivered in the afternoon and came home that same evening. The best thing I can say about it was that it was totally painless. I was fine until a couple of hours after we'd been home, then it struck me that we'd left our daughter in the hospital and come home without her, and there was nobody to look after her and that she'd be lonely without us. I was a wreck for 48 hours, not able to stop crying as I realised the enormity of what we'd done. I don't mind people telling me that our child would have given us great joy, I'm sure it's true, and I've come to the conclusion that this is something that I will have to eventually forgive myself for doing. Of course, I feel terrible that I didn't have the strength to give our daughter when she needed it. There are secondary arguments about the effect a child with Downs would have on your other children and your family life, but if you don't want to end your child's life, they would make no difference to you. However, in my more lucid moments I know that it was the right decision for us and I would do the same again.
We saw Rosy (I got my way on choice of names as you can see) immediately after the birth, but not for long, and I declined to see her again before we left. This was something I really regretted the next day and phoned the hospital in a panic asking to see her again. We saw her yesterday afternoon, and while the man we saw was very professional, telling us what to expect, he also spoke of our wee one as a real person. She was dressed in a little coat with a hood, and laid on blankets in a tiny crib. Whoever does the knitting is doing an amazing job, because I really felt that she was being well looked after and cared for. I expected to be distraught, but when I saw her lying there, a great calm came over me. We were able to hold her in our arms, and I could whisper my thoughts to her, namely that we are now a family of four, and she will always be our second child.
At first I didn't want to tell anyone, but now Rosy's a person who we've seen and been with, we don't want to deny her existence either. The hospital makes up a kind of certificate for you with your child's name and date of birth, so were going to get copies of that to give to family and friends. I feel it's even more important than with other babies that people know her full name and birthday, as they will not be reminded of them that often.
Roglyn - thanks for going through all those details for me, it can't have been easy, but I hope that it helped to talk about it again. I find with bereavement (I lost my Dad 7 years ago) people ask after you for a while, but forget that you may still, or again be feeling just as bad several years later. That's not to say that people's concern isn't welcome at any time. I liked the idea of a scrapbook - we're accumulating bits and bobs and it would be nice to have them together. And I know that photos are not macabre - it's your baby. I've thought of sponsoring a tree in a forest (we're not exactly green-fingered and share our garden with 10 other flats) or possibly a child in Africa or India. But I think it's best to wait for a few months until we can see a bit more clearly. After the funeral next week, as there will be no ashes, I'd like us to go up the hill that overlooks the city and scatter some flower petals - the chaplain suggested a bud that hadn't yet opened.
After I'd delivered I asked the midwife about when I could get pregnant again, and she said we should wait a few months to think about Rosy & just be good to ourselves and enjoy our elder daughter. I now realise what good advice that is. Our daughter wasn't just part of our family plan, she was a person in her own right, and she will always be part of our family.
Thanks again everyone for your support and comments. R.