Dear Rosy
I'm so very, very sorry to hear about what you are about to be going through. I know it will be an extremely tough few days/weeks/months to come but with support from your other half and family and friends, you will pull through. My thoughts are with you and we send lots of love.
I went through something similar 2 years ago with my first pregnancy. They found serious cranio/facial abnormalities at the routine 23week scan, and we opted for termination. My only advise looking back, is to read every bit of literature they offer you and then ask lots of questions so that you feel prepared for everything thats going to happen. I was told that from induction to delivery would take on average 12hours, only for me it was 36hrs. No-one mentioned the possibility of needing a d+c immediately afterwards, but I had a retained placenta so needed wheeling down to theatre. 3weeks later I was having another one for yet more retained products that were missed first time around. They just don't tell you this kind of thing at the time. I was given the impression that before I knew it I would be pregnant again, and that next time things would be different. I suppose it was the only reassurance I wanted at the time. I didn't have a period for 4months and became paranoid that I'd suddenly reached the menopause at 32! I declined counselling, just didn't fancy talking over any of our very personal decisions and experiences with a complete stranger, no matter how well qualified, but you may feel differently. What helped me most was being able to talk openly about every little detail with my husband, often over and over again. He was with me throughout, and was a huge tower of strength. Still is, bless him.
We had a very small funeral and cremation for our son, just myself and hubby. It felt like closure almost, yet for us we still had to await postmortem outcomes and face the fact that we'd been labelled with a possible genetic/recessive trait, that may or may not come up again with our next pregnancy. (1 in 4 chance)
We went away for a few days to a very wet and windy north devon coast, just to be on our own and mourn. I think that really helped too. We booked a ski-ing holiday over what would have been our "due" date, which gave us something to look forward to. It also persuaded me while we were ski-ing to start living again and that it was ok to have a good time.
I'd had a miserable return to work after 5weeks off sick. People treated me by avoiding my eye, turning away, and generally ignoring the whole issue. I was devastated more by this than anything else. I wanted to tell people what had happened. I wanted to be able to talk openly, and to have tearful days if needs be. But felt I had to do the "stiff upper lip thing" instead. If its possible write to your work and explain what has happened and if like me you want to be able to talk about it, then reassure them that you won't dissolve into a puddle of tears but that it would help to be open and up front. I also found some family members were totally incapable of dealing with grief too. I found it hard not to judge them for it, but its such a british thing isnt it, we just don't talk about death/loss/grief. Its just a bit too difficult and embarrassing.
We planted a tree in the garden in remembrance of our son, and made up a scrap book of every part of my pregnancy up to the end. It has all the letters of condolences and paperwork form the hospital, plus a photo of our son. It sounds a little macarbe (spelling!) but its all I have left of our baby. Walking out of that hospital with nothing was agony. Having nothing to hold onto or remember him by was just hideous. I hadn't even had the chance to go out and buy him a toy or body suit or anything. Makes me well up just thinking about it now.
On a happier note for us, we conceived our second son over our "recovery" ski-ing holiday. And despite an extremely stressful initial 24 weeks (4 scans to make sure that everything was ok) my pregnancy went on to 42 weeks and 2 days, when finally out came our most gorgeous baby boy. He's just had his first birthday, and I love him to bits. But I still think about our first, if not for him then I wouldnt be looking at my one year old today.
I've rambled on, and am now feeling a little self indulgent, but if anything I've written helps you and your family, then its been useful. I'd be happy for you to contact me if you want. If there's anyway I could help, I'm sure mumsnet can put you in touch.
My deepest sympathies, I will be thinking about you over the next few days and hope that everything goes quickly for you.
(One final piece of advise, go for pain relief early. I had an epidural, so felt very little of labour pain, yet was able to cat nap at times, and stay lucid throughout. I've spoken to some people who opted for pethidine in the same circumstances, and can't remember a lot of what went on, and hate themselves for it. I could still move around, and didnt need a catheter, so felt my dignity remained intact from that point of view. And finally, I'm glad that everyone persuaded me to see my son. I was terrified that I was going to be presented with some kind of monster, but they'd dressed him and laid him in a moses basket, and he looked very peaceful. I just remember his perfect hands and feet, and although his face was very mishapen, I could see that he had the most vivid blue eyes.