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Original poster

PIL's urging me to have an abortion. husband moved out.

60 replies

mejustbetter · 30/03/2012 19:09

pheww. just had an hour long conversation with MIL and this time she urged me to have an abortion. ffs. This is the second time PIL's having a indepth discussion with me about it. I know it is my own fault for talking to her about it.

Third child, i am 16 weeks, pregnancy was an accident. Husband moved out last week because he really doesn't want the baby. MIL's argument was along the lines: if I have an abortion, then I maybe suffer for a couple of years but then only one person suffers. If I have the baby however she is worried that the pregnancy/baby will ruin our marriage and many people suffer, including our 2 children. I am really upset right now.

I am sorry if this is a sensitive subject, i am going to keep the baby, it is an ethical choice for me to be honest. Am upset though and starting to consider adoption seriously. I am not sure I can be strong any longer.

OP posts:
Rezolution · 30/03/2012 19:12

I am sure there is a backstory to your post OP but you need to hang on a bit longer. Once you have an abortion there is no going back, is there.
Wait, be patient, this willl sort itself out.You have a human life to look after - treat it wisely.

VivaLeBeaver · 30/03/2012 19:14

I think you need to politely tell your MIL to keep out of it. This is between you and your DH....and when push comes to shove its down yo you not even your DH.

I'm sorry he's moved out - do you think he's in shock? Is there a chance he might come back even if you keep the baby.

Oakmaiden · 30/03/2012 19:16

Or it could be argued that your husband is causing "many people" to suffer by his behaviour....

jenbird · 30/03/2012 19:17

Oh no what a horrible situation to be in. Unfortunately I am in very similar although I am lucky in that my husband will stand by us. He is not happy and very worried about the future but for us the other alternative would potentially worse. He wanted me to have an abortion and I thought that I could but after looking into it I didn't think I would be able to go through with it. I was also worried that I would never feel the same again after and was worried that I would resent him forever after. Obviously I don't know how I would feel but I know that if we had another baby I know we would love it the same as the others.

You can do this and you can be strong. I am sure you adore your children and that you will do anything you can to give them the best in life. I think I will end up having the same conversation with my in laws but ultimately it is not their decision to make.

Hope things work out for you x

Rezolution · 30/03/2012 19:19

What gives MIL the right to dictate terms? Maybe your own mother's opinion is important too?
Sorry you are faced with this, mejustbetter you need a bit of love at a time like this. Who have you got to support you? Any other family?
You need loads of back-up Brew

MerryMarigold · 30/03/2012 19:25

Did husband move out only because of the baby? It smacks of a bit of blackmail to be honest. Have an abortion and I'll come back. Things wouldn't go well after that, I'm sure. You'd blame him and be unable to trust him. This may be really hard now, but you can be a fantastic Mum to your 3 kids, with or without him. You need lots of RL support.

confuzed90 · 30/03/2012 19:27

So sorry for you to be in this situation...you would suffer dramatically if you go against what you want and have an abortion, your husband however is already making many people suffer but moving out and leaving you and the kids. How old are your 2 children? Do they understand and know about the baby? If so, what are their thoughts on it? Your husband should be standing by you, its not just your fault, and its not just his choice what happens to the baby. If you want it, which you do then keep it as getting an abortion will be the biggest regret for you, and you will most likely resent your husband for the forceful approach and by not standing by you. He needs to make his choice, you and the kids or no you. That is my opinion however, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion but in the end its down to you and what your opinion is. Stay strong though, no matter what life throws at you, the love for your children will always overcome past problems. Xx

smallwonder · 30/03/2012 19:29

I have to agree with Oakmaiden.
Even if you had to consult with MIL she doesn't have the right to 'dictate terms' as previous poster has said too. Your OH needs to grow up, he can't just walk out and leave surely....not just your 'accident' I believe Hmm I'm sorry he's chosen to do this but I hope it's just shock and that he'll be back and you'll sort things out. You can't just walk out now can you? Men!
Wishing you all the best. Hope it all works out. x

lisad123 · 30/03/2012 19:29

Explain to her that her son had a hand in making this baby and if he felt that strongly about it he should have done something about it earlier. Also tell her to shove it Angry

DoubleGlazing · 30/03/2012 19:32

You need to make your own decision, no matter what anyone else thinks. Never mind what your MIL is worried about, what are your thoughts, feelings, worries, concerns? Don't talk to her about it again, you know she won't give you an unbiased listening ear.

You may wish to contact Marie Stopes. They're experienced in discussing the issues around unexpected pregnancies, and definitely won't try to tell you what to do either way. You can phone them on 0845 300 8090 or click the "live chat" button where you can talk to someone online.

Petrean · 30/03/2012 19:34

The baby will not ruin your marriage and cause everyone to suffer... Your husband's behaviour is what may ultimately ruin tour marriage and cause everyone to suffer. Your PIL need to mind their own business!

NarkedPuffin · 30/03/2012 19:38

What an absolute shit-for-brains woman.

Your DH has moved out because you won't abort your baby, and she thinks you should abort to save the marriage??????

She's being an idiot and your H is being a pathetic excuse for a man.

Please get some RL support and stop talking to your MIL about this.

NarkedPuffin · 30/03/2012 19:40

Because obviously a marriage can cope fine with the wife being emotionally blackmailed into having an abortion by her pathetic H and his mother.

TheMistsOfAvalon · 30/03/2012 19:41

Is your husband an only child? Just wondering about your MIL actually standing by her boy-son instead of telling him to get back to his family. She is well out of order and he is using this situation to blackmail you. Frankly I wouldn't want him back, and I wouldn't take that crap from your MIL. Tell her to do a running jump.

This is a flimsy excuse to use to end a marriage. If that's all there is to this relationship perhaps you'd be better of going it alone.

That said easier said than done, and you really need support. What about your own family and friends?

Do not have an abortion if you don't want one. You will resent yourself and him.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 30/03/2012 19:57

Oh you poor poor thing Sad what an awful lot to deal with

It's obviously a difficult situation for everyone, and I can understand that your DH is upset and probably feeling like he has no say. But right now this is about you, you have decided not to terminate and that is all anyone needs to know. You don't need to discuss things with anyone you don't want to, because there is nothing to discuss, this is about you and your decision

I know it's easier said than done but please just try to focus on the here and now, you don't need anymore stress at the moment. Right now you are pregnant and you don't need any more stress. There is plenty of time to think about adoption, there is plenty of time to work on your marriage and have relationship councilling, there is plenty of time to reconcile with your inlaws (if you want to), but right now none of that matters, you matter

Things will be ok, they really will, just hang in there

Flisspaps · 30/03/2012 19:57

MIL's argument was along the lines: if I have an abortion, then I maybe suffer for a couple of years but then only one person suffers. If I have the baby however she is worried that the pregnancy/baby will ruin our marriage and many people suffer, including our 2 children.

Does she not perhaps think for a single second that perhaps if you aborted (ior give up for adoption) the baby that you'd never be able to look at your husband again without hating him for making you feel you had no choice, that your marriage would be ruined anyway, you'd all still suffer and you'd feel guilty about having the abortion or having the baby adopted needlessly?

If MIL brings it up again, I would tell her that you are not prepared to discuss it with her further.

chipmonkey · 30/03/2012 19:57

What age is he, 16? And where does she get off, telling you that you should suffer! Thanks to her badly-brought-up son, you and your dc are already suffering. Don't allow yourself to be coerced into an abortion you don't want.

Original poster
mejustbetter · 30/03/2012 20:19

Thanks guys for the reality check. I really need the support right now, am at breaking point.

I wanted to add that I am pro-choice, but for me in our case, an abortion would be ethically really wrong? we are capable parents, have a stable marriage (well, at least I was under the impression until now), we are not rich but doing ok, etc etc?

You all said true things, and flisspaps put my garbled thinking in a proper sentence: even if I have the abortion, my marriage will be ruined anyway plus I am not going to cope mentally and will not be able to look after my two kids for a long time.

I need to defend my husband though: I think he is under shock and I hope he will come around. Although I know anything could happen? MIL said though that he still harbours a small hope that I will have an abortion? I mean really? at 16 weeks? A healthy pregnancy?

FIL said to me (on another occasion) they are so sorry for their son and the two kids ☹ nasty. I am having such a guilt trip.

I still cannot believe all this is happening.

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 30/03/2012 20:25

I'm pro choice too.

You've chosen.

He needs to wake up fast and they're not doing him, you or your 2 and a half children any favours by acting as his go betweens.

If they want to help they should be telling him he's an adult and he needs to look after his family, not pandering to him and allowing him to act like a child.

NarkedPuffin · 30/03/2012 20:28

And you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Any adult knows that pregnancies can occur even when using condoms (split), the pill (antibiotics or a tummy bug) or other methods of birth control. Nothing is 100% except not having sex.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 30/03/2012 20:32

Hey no guilt ok!

How many times does a baby really ruin anyone's life? I mean come on it would have to be far far far more extreme circumstances than you describe

Your dc will be getting a sibling, thats a pretty good thing if you ask me Wink

I know I might sound flippant, but really, I've been there, I have six dc and not all of them were planned and the circumstances were far from easy, but we are such a happy contented family unit (if a little chaotic)

I really think your inlaws need to fuck the fuck off, how dare they speak to you like that?! Are you allowed a say in the running of their life or their marriage? No I thought not, this has precisely sweet fuck all to do with them and don't forget that ok, no one has the right to make you feel guilty for this, not now not ever

I'm sorry, I know I probably make no sense but I'm just so upset and angry for you, I can't bear the thought of you listening to these vile people and feeling bad when you should be being feeling looked after and loved

Loislane78 · 30/03/2012 21:00

Hey Mejustbetter

Totally agree with previous post - who are these people they think it's acceptable to say these things to you? Appalling. They sound unbelievably selfish and only interested in their son. I'm pro choice too and it's whatever you decide but the behaviour you describe of your PIL and DH is both bullying and blackmail.

I can only imagine how hard it is for you now with emotions and other DC to care for, but you need to dig deep and start being strong with these people whatever you decide. You don't have to argue, just be assertive, tell them you find it upsetting and acceptable and you're not willing to discuss it with them further unless they want to be supportive. If they don't like it - well though shit frankly. Doesn't sound like you've lost much and it's your life.

Good luck xxxx

Loislane78 · 30/03/2012 21:02

*unacceptable

monkeypuzzeltree · 30/03/2012 22:25

And what advice is your mil giving her son - something along the lines of "go home and support your wife before you ruin everything" might be a start.

I'm so sorry you are having a tough time, dreadful situation but stay strong, you are totally in the right, I find it very odd that he has done this, you already have 2 children, yes perhaps he is surprised that you're having another but he needs to grow up and deal with it - you are! You sound like you are a great mother and this child will be loved, what more could it want.

Chunkychicken · 30/03/2012 22:34

Just wanted to post because I'm shocked that a women would want to abort her own grandchild!!!

It's outrageous.

Also, a minor point perhaps, but at 16wks it will be much more involved & I wouldn't do it at this late stage, 'for social reasons' personally. I had a termination at 8wks & that was bad enough, but I hadn't had children then & wasn't aware of how developed the foetus was at that point.

I am totally pro-choice & would say that, if you wanted to do it, it would be up to you, but just to appease your H & MIL, when you might already be feeling baby kick??!!!! No way. You would regret it. I don't regret my choice - I wouldn't have my happy life now, but I really cannot see how a man can claim having a third child, bringing it into a "happy home" etc, is essentially grounds for separation/divorce? Unless, perhaps (playing devil's advocate here) it would cause a serious health risk to you (more than normal pg risk) or would meant you delay some sort of life saving treatment or something!!

How immature!!! He should have had the snip if he didn't want to risk another child...

All the best. I hope things work out for the best.