PIL's urging me to have an abortion. husband moved out.

[mejustbetter]

pheww. just had an hour long conversation with MIL and this time she urged me to have an abortion. ffs. This is the second time PIL's having a indepth discussion with me about it. I know it is my own fault for talking to her about it.

Third child, i am 16 weeks, pregnancy was an accident. Husband moved out last week because he really doesn't want the baby. MIL's argument was along the lines: if I have an abortion, then I maybe suffer for a couple of years but then only one person suffers. If I have the baby however she is worried that the pregnancy/baby will ruin our marriage and many people suffer, including our 2 children. I am really upset right now.

I am sorry if this is a sensitive subject, i am going to keep the baby, it is an ethical choice for me to be honest. Am upset though and starting to consider adoption seriously. I am not sure I can be strong any longer.

The situation is entirely of your DH's creation. He is the only one causing the hurt.

Don't speak to your in laws, they are being (to put it politely) idiots.

Your DH is also an idiot. If he was so sure that another child would be a dealbreaker for him he should have had the snip. He may come round, he may not.

An abortion you don't want to have will not save your marriage.

Take the time your DH is not about to think seriously about the marriages future. And, get your DH to take some responsibility and look after your existing DCs some of the time so you can have a break and think clearly.

As someone else said, please don't consider adoption until the baby has arrived and you can think clearly (rather than pregnancy/newborn hormones). It may be a good option for you, it may not. It is not something to decide right now.

Lastly ((((hugs)))) sounds like a really horrible situation.

Absolutely...! I'm sure you'd love to be able to run away and cry to your Mummy and Daddy about how life is so unfair and how people are making you do things you don't want to... Didums!
He obviously thinks you need him so badly that his running away will make you reconsider. Well I say show him just how well you're coping, hold your head high and stand firm in your decision, it is your life after all, and no amount of blackmail or pathetic sulking is going coerce you into anything else.
I'm sorry, shock or no shock, that weak excuse of a man needs a slap.
As for the PILs, they clearly aren't in a position to give anyone parenting advice - Look at what they've raised!

I don't know how old your children are, but what kind of lesson is this teaching them?
He needs to grow up the fool. Your children don't deserve to see their Daddy being a coward and running from his problems.

Stay strong and show him just how capable you are.
Tail between his legs before you know it. If you can bare to look at him!

I really dont think you should listen to a word of MIL argument.
Because you could have an abortion and then have a break down, you may be fine but you may not be....and then how many people will suffer because mum hates dad and cant cope and feels guilty?

i think you should try and erase what she said, its no ones choice but yours, if my DH left me to pressure me, tbh, i would probably let him go.

btw - i was a very late surpise baby, my mum was 45 and already had three children in thier teens. My father was not happy about me at all and urged my mother to have an abortion, they also had one child with Downs S. Because of her age and past history she nearly went through with it - i belive she was at the clinic then said no.

I can tell you now though!! They are bloody happy they did have me!!! They didnt get on with the other two ( not Downs one we were all closer to him than each other!).

Firstly, what kind of family are they if they're not willing to stand by you no matter what decision you make?
They shouldn't be trying to force you in to anything, it's your life and they need to respect that.

Secondly, that baby was created for a reason and I don't think you would ever feel the same if you had an abortion.
Your DH should be supporting you through everything instead of walking out on you. This is as much his responsibility as it is yours and it's very cowardly of him to turn his back on you when you need him.

Don't let the MIL upset you, be polite and thank her for her advice, but firmly tell her that you will be keeping the baby.

Just remember, the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind.

Firstly I just want to tell you how very brave you are. It is no small thing going into a pregnancy against such opposition, and you sound bloody amazing. Let no one tell you otherwise.

I was in a similar position to you 9 years ago, accidental pregnancy, BF was petrified and very clear that he did not want the baby. I went through with a medical termination at 16 weeks and it is the biggest regret of my life. I wanted my baby, but fear of doing it alone overcame me and I wasn't as strong as you. I went went through the procedure alone, and the image of what I did that day will never leave me. I suspect that your MIL probably thinks that your baby is just a speck or 'not really a baby yet', it might help to impress upon her and your DH that baby is most definitely a baby and that termination at this point would be far more complicated and traumatic than going to sleep and waking up having not been aware of the procedure. Maybe at least your DH might think twice at putting you through such a thing?

In the end I cut all contact with my BF at the time because I could barely look at him. Although I understand your need to defend your DH, his actions are cowardly as were my BF's at the time. However 9 years later we are married and have 5 DC that we both adore. We discussed the termination after we had both matured a bit and he also regretted terribly his behaviour and he understands how hard it was for me, he isn't and never was a horrible man, he was just in shock and failed to see beyond his own feelings. I don't love him any less for it now. Maybe your DH will come round in time, I always wonder what if I'd waited...

I would talk to him, and without trying to convince him explain that you understand his feelings at the moment and it's his right to voice his opinion as it was 50% his accident, however you can not tolerate his parents voicing theirs in order to make you feel guilty. It's a shit trick to play and you don't deserve it.

Have you asked what his intentions are when the baby is born? If you are still separated will he want contact along with the older DC or will he treat this baby differently?

I really do think you're wonderful, you can do this!

OP i am in your position myself.... BUT i have had a previous abortion.

It almost destroyed me, it wasnt worth sacrificing my happiness for the twunt. If they dont want a baby, dont have sex. Simple.
If you dont want that please dont do it, i was 6/7 weeks and i think about that baby everyday... Im currently pregnant again and the father has walked away and left me because i wouldnt have another abortion.... despite PIL insisiting what yours are- that im hurting him but keeping the baby.
If you do want the abortion please make sure you get help before and after... i thought i was strong enough on my own but i wasnt.

If you want to Pm me you can....

We've just had our 3rd unplanned dc, DH wasn't over the moon with the pregnancy but he realises he played a (big) part in me getting pregnant.

So far we've been caught pregnant on the pill, depo injection and a mirena coil

We're now using condoms but realise nothing is failsafe.

Your H needs to man up and accept his responsibilities, your PIL need to keep their noses out - it's none of their business.

Jeez with parents like that no wonder he's such a nob. I can just imagine the kick up the arse my brother would get in the same circumstances.....

Hello,

Been reading these messages, and was wondering what happened? I hope that things came together...

Hi all.

I didn't really want to share this story - ever - but think I should. I had an abortion at 12 weeks. Not my idea. I was in love, and he said it would ruin our lives, and I was young and stupid and believed him. I went ahead with it - even though everything inside me told me it was wrong - and to this day it is the biggest regret of my entire life. Not a day goes by where I don't wonder what might have been had I listened to my heart rather than submit to my other half's selfish wishes.

You are doing the right thing. I think you are being very brave and standing up for what is right. Why don't you ask your husband to meet up to talk, away from PIL, so that you can just tell him how you are feeling and ask him to be honest with you, too. As long as it doesn't devolve into an argument, it'll be a good way for the pair of you to clear the air and maybe he'll stop running scared when he realises that his wife is in need of some support.

Do you know how your children will react to this? Just curious...