PIL's urging me to have an abortion. husband moved out.

[mejustbetter]

pheww. just had an hour long conversation with MIL and this time she urged me to have an abortion. ffs. This is the second time PIL's having a indepth discussion with me about it. I know it is my own fault for talking to her about it.

Third child, i am 16 weeks, pregnancy was an accident. Husband moved out last week because he really doesn't want the baby. MIL's argument was along the lines: if I have an abortion, then I maybe suffer for a couple of years but then only one person suffers. If I have the baby however she is worried that the pregnancy/baby will ruin our marriage and many people suffer, including our 2 children. I am really upset right now.

I am sorry if this is a sensitive subject, i am going to keep the baby, it is an ethical choice for me to be honest. Am upset though and starting to consider adoption seriously. I am not sure I can be strong any longer.

Just wanted to add my support. Poor you.

And I agree - if he feels that strongly about not having another child he should have taken responsibility for preventing or not had sex. Now is the time to man up.

My SIL has just had their third (which was unplanned) and it's hard work but they are such a happy family. Your children would love it!

Do what feels right for you and I wish you the best of luck.

Be under no illusions: it is your husbands appalling behaviour that has destroyed your marriage not you declining an abortion.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with such a selfish inadequate man and his nasty parents.

I suspect that MIL might feel differently about the baby once it is born. So might your H. I mean, this child is likely to be just as wonderful as your two existing DC, all it means is that you will be a family of five rather than four.

You haven't said how old your oldest two children are. I appreciate that if they are school age, especially secondary school age and above then he may have felt the family was complete and is having trouble adjusting to the idea of nappies, night feeds etc again. However, once faced with a child who, just like his older two, is a little person in their own right and will be part of your family, he ought to get over the shock of the idea of a new baby when faced with the reality of looking after his new son or daughter.

If he doesn't come around to the baby once it is clear that it is staying, then I think this is unlikely to be just about having 3 children rather than 2. He maybe wasn't as committed to you and your existing children as he appeared to be.

I find it difficult to believe that a person would walk out on their partner and two children just because a third comes into existence. How is he going to explain that to the children when they are older? Talk about fueling sibling rivalry.

If he is worried that the pair of you don't have sufficent resources to take care of three children (in the manner the first two have become accustomed to) then how much worse is he making it for your elder children in terms of financial and emotional resources by seperating from you?

By the way though, you might find it easier to look after three children alone than you already find it to look after two children and a man-child.

Don't feel the need to stress that you are pro-choice. Choosing to keep the baby is entirely pro-choice. It's only anti-choice if you demand that every woman has to do the same as you.

I cannot believe that the father and grandmother of this child would pressurise his/her mother into aborting him/her when they can already see how great his/her siblings are.

I'm sure your children will love their little brother or sister. Take care of yourself and make sure you speak to people who will support you :)

100% agree with SaraBellumHertz !

I just read this and wanted to say I think you're so brave to do what you think is right. I've just been pregnant, hated the experience to be honest, and really respect you for going ahead, especially with poor support.

You mentioned adoption in your OP. Haven't had time to read all so sorry if this is out of date. May I just throw in my penny's worth? Don't even think about it until you're at least two months out of pregnancy, preferably more. I've researched this whole area and it's not a decision you want to make until you're back in a 'non-pregnant' state emotionally. I'm a fan of adoption, think it gets unnecessarily bad press sometimes. But having read up, I couldn't with a clear conscience be an adoptive parent for a mother who'd signed consent straight away/before birth.

You sound like a wonderful mummy to this baby already.x

I just wanted to say that I hope you get the love, respect and support from else where at such a difficult time for you. Do you have friends and family who can support you?

Yes, it is sad that your h feels he can't stay with you for having another child.

But, men are replaceable, your children aren't.

Wishing you the very best of luck and I hope you have a lovely , healthy baby.

Your MIL and husband are poor excuses for human beings.

I agree with everything Narked Puffin and others said.

Did he really move out due to a surprise baby? :O this man does not deserve to be a father.

Once you start having sex there is a chance of pregnancy anything less than taking responsibility is unnaceptable.

If I was in this situation, I'm afraid I'd be digging my heels in.

Not only would I be refusing to terminate (as I would have made a decision early in pregnancy whether to continue or not) but I'd be making his life pretty damn miserable right now.

I'd go straight to a solicitor and set the ball rolling for a divorce. That'd scare the hell out of him for a start. Contact the CSA for maintenance etc.

Do not let him wheedle his way out of a situation created by his own doing!

Oh I am so angry for you! Your husband is being incredibly selfish, and a downright manipulative bastard in this situation. Has he tried similar tricks in the past?

By the sound of your OP, you obviously want him to come home, but really, he doesn't sound that great a catch right now. If he can't cope now, then how will he cope with the pressures that a newborn bring? You don't need his selfishness at that point. It might be better to start a fresh now.

I'm sorry, I am not really being constructive here. I'm just ranting. I don't know you OP, but only what I would do in the same circumstances. I hope everything works out for the best for you, and your husband grows a spine, and your MIL gets some karma!

Best of luck.

OMG cannot believe what i am reading!!!
Just stumbled upon your thread op, do what you want not what others want.
This is a baby not something random to be getting rid off-your pil are scum hope you rid yourself of THEM!
Not being rude but if your husband didnt want another baby he should have put something on the end of it!!-it takes 2 to make a baby him & his parents should realise this !
My lord what awful pils

How's things?

Been a couple of weeks since your original post. How are you feeling? What have you done regarding your h and pil?

Wishing you the best!

How awful. PIL are clearly berks who really should think about how much she loves her grandchildren before opening her trap.

Because if this was my MIL's attitude, have to say I'd be thinking twice about whether they should be in my kid's lives at all.

I'm pro choice. But I agree with you. 16 weeks and a healthy pregnancy, given your personal circumstances, would make this a question of conscience for me too.

Sounds to me like the not-so DH needs to give his head a shake and wake up, and if his parents were any good they'd be telling him the same thing....

you don't want an abortion - don't have one.

this would be your childrens brother/sister and to say their lives would be 'ruined' is bloody ridiculous.

PIL aren't the problem really though - your DH is the problem. Are you sure you'd take him back after this anyway (either way?)

walking out is not a small thing.

Pathetic excuse for a man if he dint want a baby why not get snip. Its his fault as much as yours he should live up to his responsabilitys. He obviously cant care bout you that much or he wouldnt of walked. If it was my oh he wouldnt be welcome back and I would have the baby anyway on my own. you deserve better. He got to rem it takes 2.

This sounds like a horrible situation for you. It's totally unacceptable that she is wading in. My situation is very different but the father of my baby really wanted me to get an abortion but I knew I couldn't. I took him to pregnancy counselling which helped him understand why I couldn't. Don't know if that will help in your case. Also, abortion post 12 weeks I found out is very different that pre 12 weeks. I am totally pro choice by the way, but I read up before I went to the counselling as I wanted to know what I was dealing with. If you can stand it, it might be worth doing the same and sending some stuff to your MiL. It's her grandchild at the end of the day and understanding what abortion means at 16 weeks might make her realise she needs to support you or back off.
I hope you don't think these are inappropriate suggestions. Ultimately this is your decision and he needs to support you regardless and frankly she should get lost if she isn't going to help with that.
Good luck xx

Hope you are ok op. I too am expecting my 3rd. Not planned either. I know dh was adamant he didn't want a third but he is being really supportive.
Gosh, just can't imagine my MIL telling me to abort it.

I hope u are ok op & have chosen what you would want?
Best wishes to you and hope things are going much better for you.
16 weeks is quite late for a termination and your pil sound nasty for insisting you have one at this late stage or any stage for that matter

Also, abortion post 12 weeks I found out is very different that pre 12 weeks.

umm..it involved pessary and pills - how different is that? though it did bloody hurt any termination would.
though not relevant to OP though. she shouldn't have an abortion she doesn't want due to PIL coercion and DH twattery.

EdlessAllenPoe - In terms of what happens to the foetus

Or maybe it's a bit later - just read a horrible article on it and my mind was already made up but if it hadn't been it would have been after that. Not saying anyone else should take that into consideration if it's right for them. But it helped in my argument why I wasn't going to have an abortion.

OP - hope you've been able to come to a decision that suits you. Your PILs have shown a staggering disrespect to you with this utterly unreasonable request.

It is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. At all. Shit, will they be asking you to get your tubes tied next?! Asking you to have more sex with their son? Use a certain type of sanitary product? They are intruding into such a private matter, between you and your husband. It is your body and your decision. They have some serious boundary issues.

I also wonder if they've even considered the damage this could do to your relationship with them? I don't know that I'd be able to spend much time with people who had been so unbelievably disrespectful towards me.

They have made your already difficult situation, worse. I hope you've been able to find the right support irl from friends and family who love and respect you enough to support YOU + unmumsnetty hugs.

If he doesn't want any more kids he should get the snip. simple as.

Yes he should get the snip as that is the only way he can be sure on not having anymore kids.
Your H is a knob op hope u r rid of him and his discraceful family

You go with your gut instincts here and you keep that baby. Whether your dh decides to come back and grovel is his choice. He has left you when you need him most.

Im 18 weeks pregnant with dc3 too. It was unplanned & a shock & far from ideal circumstances so I know what you're going through.

Your mil sounds evil.... She is putting her pathetic son's wishes over you & your unborn baby. What kind of person tries to pressurise someone into an abortion?

It wouldn't be 2 years of sadness for you... It could quite possibly be a lifetime of regret.

Are you serious about adoption or would that be a way to appease them? Because if so, after their behaviour, I would put you and your children first from now on.

I'm sorry you're going through this x

I am and always have been pro-choice and I would say NO to you having an abortion. YOU don't want one, you want to keep the baby. Therefore that's what you should do.

If your DH wants to throw his toys out the pram about it, and his parents choose to support him in his tantrum, then that is THEIR problem and shows them up as the sort of people they are.

If you chose to have an abortion to appease your H and his parents, you would most likely come to resent him bitterly and your marriage would be over anyway - so what's the point of giving in to his utter selfishness?

At 16w, purely from a practical POV, an abortion would be a pretty unpleasant procedure anyway - do they even know or care about that? If they do, then they are even more gittish than they already sound.

Think about it from your DC's POV as well - because at some point they will wonder if your H had thought he didn't want them as well, and it could spoil their relationship with their selfish manchild of a father.

Have your baby, keep your baby, and prepare to be a single parent, just in case.
So sorry you're going through this, and that your H has chosen now to abandon you and let his parents interfere in something that is essentially none of their business, really.

Just to add something..... I know somebody who can still cry and get upset over a miscarriage that she had 30 YEARS ago. So I'd like to know how your MIL can say that you'll get over it in 2 years; you should ask her why she didn't abort her son when he was 16 weeks old.