Anyone else having trouble with overbearing family members...

[salempickles]

or is it just me, im currently only having trouble with my MIL who i keep reminding myself is just really excited for her 1st grandchild, so far she has bought all second hand stuff from the neighbour of hers that used to be her grandchilds..... her grandchild is now 11, so say no more for the condition of the items she has bought.

i saw the moses basket yesterday that looked like jeses had once slept in it it was so old, broken straw bits etc, a car seat aged 4 yrs plus, a bath seat from aged 2, baby walker, some grey school tights (we havent even found out the sex so cant wait to see a boy wearing tights to school) see where this is going, yesterday i arrived to she had aquired the worlds first ever invented bottle steriliser.... i told her it wasnt even for the bottle make i had bougt and she told me it wasnt for me anyway its for when she has the baby.

i think i may have to buy her one of those lifelike dolls to give her something else to focus on instead of trying to rob my baby to make it play with a toy that looks like it came out of a skip, unless anyone else has advice how to handle her...

at Jesus once sleeping in the Moses basket.

Oh salem, it's tricky, isn't it? She's just excited about the baby, and is presumably trying to help. I think you'll have to be clear with her about things that you're not willing to accept, and possibly compromise on a couple of things that you are willing to accept (e.g. things that can be cleaned / washed etc.).

And just to add, safety first - so if you don't know that something is safe, tell her that, and don't use it.

i know my new mantra is "shes just excited" if only so i dont let rip on her with my newly found mad hormones, but still shes just wasting her money and i do think her nieghbour has really ripped her off for what she got she charged £100 for items that are really crap, there is a lovely playmat and a cot mobile which i said were really lovely bt still cant justify the £100 on just 2 items, i suppose its her money at the end of the day though, but to presume she will be having the baby when it is still a baby (i.e. shes thinking after a week or so of giving birth she can call round when she finishes work to collect it at half 2 a few times a week) i told her i was breastfeeding and this wouldnt be possible and it went in 1 ear and out the other.

what is it with older woman and babies who think they can just come in and take over, even my own mum hasnt done anything this mad and when i told her she said she sounds crazy and i wouldnt trust her with a pot plant let alone a living baby!

You need to do a bit of gentle educating. It's not advised to use second hand car seats. There is also a fair amount of evidence against using baby walkers these days. And you don't want old bedding / mattresses. Bless her, she is obviously trying so hard.

I feel your pain. Don't get me started on mine! My mil thought she had the right to decide on all soft furnishings for the nursery and we were not to have any input. Dh has now got her to agree to discuss materials with us before making them up as we would like some input into our baby's things. So when we went there today instead of just having samples of materials she has bought the lot so if we don't have what she is planning it will be wasted. Said no to horrid grey curtain material-it would make the nursery look so miserable. However she has bought this really cheap acrylic fleece material, it's so cheap it's only fleecy one side other side it's hideous itchy and give you electric shocks plus it's cream with hello kitty imprinted all over it- I hate hello kitty and we are having a boy which she knows! I said fine as otherwise she will throw a strop and I figure it can be stuffed away in a drawer somewhere.

While I was out today I bought a gro bag she suddenly became really funny about this. She thinks baby should have a proper duvet, I did try and say these are not thought of as safe for babies anymore.

I currently have both of my parents telling me how they hope they will be involved..... My mum keeps harping on about how she thinks my step mum will take over, my step mum is already planning on taking it on holiday when its a bit bigger.

My MIL has not mentioned anything about expectations and is quietly knitting and bought me the cot, by logging onto mothercare and asking which one it was I had seen.

My dad keeps telling me how I will be phoning him and step mam when I need a rest!

Everyone means so well but sometimes it is a bit like "for gods sake let me have him/her first!!!!!"

I have similar. I find it strange mil would go buy such things as steriser etc bit creepy to me. Having all their own nursery etc its like they don't. Understand they have had their chance to raise their own children

Haha - my lovely Mum was a tad over-enthusiastic whilst I was pregnant. She was 'buying bits every week' (I now have the biggest stash of Johnsons products ever - and I'm using cotton wool and water for nappy changes / infacare for baths...)

Tbh - i think she was a bit skint when she had us and is enjoying being able to buy us 'decent stuff'

They've commented on a few things we've bought and also thought they could have a say in name choices and still don't like our baby's name. My answer of choice is 'it's a good job you had 3 kids to make those decisions abouit isn't it?' ;)

Well as of yesterday dp went to visit his mum and then rang to tell me she was organising mothers day for next year and will be cooking a huge meal, i simply asked where does my own mother come into this and got yelled at for being ungrateful... I give up! you can see dp is a mummys boy who had everything done for him till the age of 26 when he finally moved out (and i do mean everything, cooking, washing, tidying his room etc...) think she just wants to feel needed but its so creepy having someone take over what should be a good time for me. i told dp last night if he doesnt have a word ill let my pregnancy hormones have a word with her and it wont be nice.

my mum has actually been wonderful although i know shes excited shes not gone crazy with it, mil on the other hand informed me that she is dropping 20 hours at work per month to take the baby out, i told her that really isnt necessary but she insists, her latest is cot bedding, she has become obsessed with searching for it and goes round everywhere, ive told her ive already picked 1 from mothercare that my mum has offered to buy but she doesnt listen, im starting to wonder if she has her own secret cot at her house too! she offered to buy the cot for us (got really upset when i said my mum was buying our pram as it was tradition in our family, to the point she said i was excluding her from the baby )

she also has half of johnsons products in her house too although shes already told me thats for when the baby stays, again i tell her the baby wont be staying till its a bit older so theres no need to buy everything now. she doesnt listen, cant wait to tell her im exclusivley going to breastfeed (was planning on expressing so i could go out and about but now that would just be an excuse for her to take baby), so obviously baby will be with me not the overnight stays at 2 weeks old she has planned. i can see me being the evil one here though banning her having any contact from her grandchild, let alone the fact she smokes constantly and is a huge drinker and i wouldnt trust her with a plant let alone my baby just yet.

glad im not the only 1 who finds it weird she has bought a bottle steriliser though! sorry for ranting on, the more i think about it the more she winds me up by trying to take over everything!

florin id be horrified at the thought of someone having bought hello kitty items for my son, we still dont know what were having but she has already bought grey school tights which is weird enough!

babycameearly i also said this to her once about having had her 3 kids to make decisions over, she didnt speak to me for 2 weeks - it was bliss!

dont think she realises i have a huge family myself who want to spend time with the baby, so when she says things like ill have it 3-4 times a week from half 2 and it can stay over its like shes trying to exclude my family.

Oh let me warn you that this is only the beginning - they will try and control birthdays, christmas, christening (or not as was my case), schools, holidays, what you feed them, when to start solids, their routine - and the list goes on. You just need to be kind but to nip it in the bud now and set the boundaries to the grandparental role.You don't want to completely upset them as you will be thankful for the babysitting in the future - when you are ready and not when they want.

She sounds a nightmare. It's understanding that someone would be excited about having a grandchild, but it is serious overkill.

You do need to get your DP on side though. The Mothers Day thing is just crazy, it's a year away. And if you are like me you will want your first mothers day to be just you, dp and your baby.

Just to add a different perspective, my mil died just before I found out I was preg and I think my dd has really missed out and continues to miss out on a special relationship with her gran. I can imagine how hard it must be if they want to take over but if the balance can be found then grandparents can be invaluable support.

Overnight stays with her from when the baby is 2 weeks old?? This is madness. You really, really need to get your DP clear about boundaries and get him on side with you.

Is there a FIL you can speak to? The dropping of hours is madness too, as no doubt she will cast that up to you if she feels she is not getting her share of the baby. Perhaps being blunt with her might be the best way to go - you said yourself that 2 weeks of her not bothering you was bliss.

Keep telling her what is best for the baby. As in "it is best for the baby to stay with me, so we can bond." "it is best for the baby to be breastfeed by me" "it is best for the baby to ..." You get the idea. And stand your ground!

Yes i do need to get him on side, i tried a few weeks ago, we went round for lunch and she gave me a list of all the stuff her neighbour was selling, i was immediately put off as it was forced onto me and i hadnt even sat down yet, when i said we had quite a bit of stuff already on it she made a point of telling me it wasnt all for me anyway it would be for her when she has the baby, i spent the whole day waiting to get home to cry, even ended up going to a friends house to let of steam, then came home told dp how i felt and he said he would have a word. since then nothing.

as someone else said i can see this getting out of hand, i said no to the mothers day thing straight away - their idea is to normally go the pub the entire day so was surprised to hear of a meal actually mentioned.

i myself was brought up by my grandmother whilst my mum went out and worked to keep us both housed and safe, the thing is though she never smoked, drunk and certainly wasnt a crazy woman, Whereas Mil constant need to be liked by everyone is tiring to be around, i do think she is unhinged in certain ways and blocks out things by drinking daily, id never stop her having a relationship with her grandchild as thats just cruel but surely there should be some balance where i am in control of my own child more than she is.

im usually the person who stands up for myself and kicks up a fuss if i dont like something but now i just find myself being taken over y stupid hormones and i cant find the words to tell her to just leave me alone and stop harassing me constantly without screaming "f$$k off woman" at her. i just cant get the image of that manky steriliser out of my head though, and am half wondering whether i will walk in on her trying to breastfeed my own child! euugghhh!

I take back my previous comment as it sounds like you don't need another perspective: she's a bit bonkers and it's time to put firm boundaries in place. You may hurt her feelings but everything from the manky steriliser to the fags and booze sounds unsafe. Grandparents should be a welcome support not controlling and unsafe!

I can't tell you how much better this thread has made me feel. It's nice to know I am not the only one with a loopy mil! I have already told dh that mil is never going to have sole care of our ds ever. She has a horrible fiery temper (I have heard stories of her throwing a knife at fil head (her ex). And fil has said how much he hated leaving dh alone with her as he worried about his safety due to her temper. Still has terrible guilt now and dh is nearly 30 now! Plus she insists she has such a bad back she cannot lift anything (including a doormat she bought in ikea at the weekend) but I was fine carrying something much heavier so dh could carry her stuff and only has a sainsbury bag of rubbish in the kitchen as anything else is far to heavy. In my opinion she therefore cannot carry a baby. Luckily dh does support me on this. As someone else said before I was planning on breast feeding but trying to introduce the odd bottle but she has made me want to exclusively breast feed and I think I will also be a devout sling wearer whenever we go there/go out with her as hate the idea of her getting her hands on ds.

Hi
yes it was me who wanted to express milk, i will still continue to do that but wont bother telling her that, plus on the occassions she actually makes it past the doorstep i will simply tell her im taking baby upstairs to feed him with a little privacy, hopefully she will get the hint and give us a bit of privacy.

i think she still sees dp as her little soldier who cant do anything for himself so thats why she needs to take over, she constantly tells me a story of how when dp was 2 months old he stopped breathing 1 night, her first response was to leave him and run to a neighbours house so her husband could sort it out, if she said it in a caring way then kind of ok but she laughs about it every time, also the fact dp was put on a diet by doctors at 3 months old makes me think she hasnt a clue at all about babies! may just get a t shirt made saying stay away crazy lady so she gets the hint.

although i do like the sling idea, on showing her a picture of the pram id got her first response was to tell me the basket was too small to fit shopping on, i told her its a good job i plan to do my shopping in my car then isnt it (i knew full well she was thinking of her own bloody shopping, but couldnt resisit to see the look on her face) ive turned pure evil because of her!!

Oh Salem I feel for you. You must get your DP to see sense now and nip all this in the bud. My PIL are controlling and manipulative. Sure, they love my DD and would do anything for her and I would never stop them having a relationship with her but they are so manipulative it is beyond belief. Put your foot down now as otherwise it will only get worse once your baby arrives.

My MiL bought all my ds1's clothes from the word go. At m&t groups i realised he was head-to-toe, skin-up in clothes I hadn't chosen. We do try to talk to her, but she has nothing else to spend money on.

and as for over-nights at 2 weeks- when the baby comes, you will both be so busy, any plans for 'normality' will be out the window. And you may actually be quite keen for MIL to take the baby for 1 night...

But she must have a course in babies-these-days - ie, no duvets, back to sleep, no fags, no weaning at 2 months, or potty training at 18 months, like they used to.

I know that i have no idea of what to expect when the baby comes, i dont pretend i do, but as ill be breastfeeding the baby will be staying with me until i decide otherwise.

it comes down to the fact that i just cannot trust her to do the right thing for the baby, i think she wouldnt think twice about getting drunk while babysitting as thats what she did with her own 3 kids, if i could trust her or had even seen an improvement since i got pregnant then id really try and let her have the baby for a while, but if anything she has got worse, cider and whisky every night as she says to help her sleep but she gets absolutely drunk to the point fil helps her to bed or she falls asleep whereever she was drinking (once found her under the kitchen table).... she would without a doubt still do this on an overnight stay, and id be awake all night constantly worrying. i wouldnt leave it with a stranger who behaved this way, so why should i just because shes a grandparent.

dp has mentioned her drinking and in serious rows between them years ago always used to scream at her if he had kids he wouldnt leave them with her, i havent spoke to him about it since i got prenant but i know it has to be said and dealt with. he does agree with me at least that 2 weeks is ridiculous to expect to be allowed to take a newborn baby of someone.

You are right to put your foot down about your baby not having overnight visits at an early age. That is what I did and they still went on about it every week trying to wear me down. You win that battle but what you have to watch out for though is that your MIL may turn up unannounced every single day when you are trying to feed, trying to sleep etc etc. It sounds like your DP is on your side but you do have to have a proper chat about what the boundaries are before baby is here so you can present a united front to MIL.

The best I heard was someone in the family saying to me "well I'll let you struggle for so long but then you won't have a say I will just come and get the baby whether you like it or not"

I just laughed and said "ok then, tell you what you manage to get past me and my DP you can have the baby, if you are still able to use your arms to hold it with"

You know, whenever I start feeling sorry for myself for not having any family in this country to support me with dc, I read a thread like this and count my blessings!

timothy i have thought of her just turning up whenever she wants, especially as she now has all these free hours, dp has said he will take 1 weeks paternity leave then the next 2 weeks as holidays, after that ill be on my own really as i work from home anyway, so will just be polite and tell her to text me to see if its ok to come over, if she doesnt and starts turning up i wont be too bothered about not answering the door to her untill she gets the hint.

signet i was actually shocked at what someone said to you, then i remembered what i have to contend with.

dp is dropping into see her on his way home from work to mention the manky steriliser and ancient moses basket wont be getting used, here or at her house! wish i was a fly on the wall