Anyone else having trouble with overbearing family members...

[salempickles]

or is it just me, im currently only having trouble with my MIL who i keep reminding myself is just really excited for her 1st grandchild, so far she has bought all second hand stuff from the neighbour of hers that used to be her grandchilds..... her grandchild is now 11, so say no more for the condition of the items she has bought.

i saw the moses basket yesterday that looked like jeses had once slept in it it was so old, broken straw bits etc, a car seat aged 4 yrs plus, a bath seat from aged 2, baby walker, some grey school tights (we havent even found out the sex so cant wait to see a boy wearing tights to school) see where this is going, yesterday i arrived to she had aquired the worlds first ever invented bottle steriliser.... i told her it wasnt even for the bottle make i had bougt and she told me it wasnt for me anyway its for when she has the baby.

i think i may have to buy her one of those lifelike dolls to give her something else to focus on instead of trying to rob my baby to make it play with a toy that looks like it came out of a skip, unless anyone else has advice how to handle her...

if anything she may be a bit too much but prehaps you should think yourself lucky that she is so interested, she will eventually be quite helpful to you.
for example when you need a babysitter or you would like to go for a wee alone! lol
im just saying at the same time as being very annoying, it must be nice to have that.
just think about what you could be like when you become a grandmother!!
scary i know!

Mommykelly - there's being interested and helpful, and there's being overbearing and interfering.

No one should be grateful for the latter. It can be as bad as having Grandparents who don't show any interest - at least you can get on with being a parent and largely know where you stand without fear of upsetting or offending someone or being controlled.

If anything, people like this illustrate everything we should strive NOT to be when our turn arrives.

I think whoever said about the problem being with mil's with not enough in their life is so right. Mine has nothing else to do so has thrown herself into making everything into making stuff for the baby. Dh is her only son, she split fil when dh was very small and has no other family. I so wish she could have other outlets apart from us.

If anything i dont feel grateful at all for having an interfeering mil, id rather she showed less interest to be honest, i could cope with that, i need to learn things myself and whilst its good having some support, the amount she shows is really smothering. im fiercely independent so this is a new challenge for me to get to grips with.

i certainly know how not to react if i am that mil one day, everything she has done has shown me to be the total opposite, plus id never just let my children be my life, ive seen so many people around me do this and when they leave home they fall to pieces as they dont have anything else, yes love your kids and do things with them but i see my role as raising a child to be independent, know right from wrong and have good manners. im also still me though, still want to see my friends, still want to have time for me (can you tell im a 1st time mum, so niave thinking ill have time for me!!).

its nice knowing she cares, but i worry for the child in time if she still carries on like this, i read a post once that said when they visited mil she sat there holding onto the grandchilds arm stroking it so much, always wanting to follow them everywere that in the end the child refused to go to her house.... i sometimes think mil might end up the same way!

i had exact same problems with an interferring mil but she did pass away when youngest was 3 months old and just cant help but feel like after all this time, i would like some of that back.
ok maybe not the side of feeling pressurised and being watched but the nice things lol x

Argh, I'm terrified she's assuming she's going to be at this birth. So far the subject's not come up but I dunno if that's a ploy to spring it on me at the last minute? With her only living round the corner and all news travelling fast round here I feel certain we couldn't keep the birth quiet unless we slip away in the dead of night and I stamp on DHs phone to stop him calling her....

I'm putting it in my birth plan that only the two people named are allowed in under any circumstances!

I do definately think the having-dependent-sons-and-no-daughters thing is what causes the weird trying-to-get-too-attached thing. I think it is very special to have a daughter and help her through motherhood too, but if you don't have a daughter, sorry but that's luck of the draw and you can't just go round trying to artificially create the situation.

Really hope I'm not a cringe-worthy GP!!

As a daughter with an overbearing Mum, I'd say this behaviour is not appropriate whether it is directed to DIL or DD! I agree it is more difficult from one's MIL, as DH is put in the middle, and daughters have a lifetime of dealing with their Mum, so can call on a lot more experience to handle things. But it can still be difficult - early on in the pregnancy, we actually had to have MIL run interference with my Mum as she was trying to control things in a completely inappropriate way. I thank god that I never actually told her what NHS catchement we live in, otherwise she may have very well been on trans-Atlantic phone calls with the GP and MWs! (once again, really glad she's over there).

salempickels, I think you are absolutely right to want to raise your children to be independent and keep a life for yourself! I'm a first time Mum, too, but I'm determined to not be like my parents. I don't know if it works out this way for all children, but I know that in my case my parents' efforts to live through me have actually made for a more distant relationship. The sad thing is that I'm not even sure they know that - I appreciate and love them enough to not want to hurt them, and the anguish they go through when anything goes wrong in my life is so much that I now carefully control what I let them know. I don't want that kind of relationship with my own child.

Im a bit worried about how mil will be when baby gets here. She's generally okay, kind hearted but a bit sulky if she doesnt get her own way. Shes very competitive with my mum though, to the degree that my mum was knitting blankets for baby, quite a few, so i told her just to discuss with mil things like this so we dont end up with tons. Despite this mil got some random relatives i dont even know to knit a load of blankets. Mum wanted to bring a dessert for lunch, wasnt sure if mil would like it as shes a bit particular with what she'll eat so told mum just to call her and check its something shed be ok with. About 30 secs after this pphon call mil as phoning us saying she was bringing the yorkshires and the roast potatoes.

This sort of thing happens all the time, all harmless things but just a bit odd in my eyes. Its not like i see a load of my mum and not her, they are treated pretty much equally.

She has a thing about not being left out when it comes to grandchildren though, and she says it all the time, even long before i was pregnant. She also talks about getting a car seat etc at hers for "when she has the baby". I told her its pointless since the baby only has one bum and can only be in one car seat at time.
Other than that we havent talked about babysitting/visiting etc once the baby is born so i have no idea what her expectation are and am a bit worried that when the baby is here suddenly i will be faced with said expectations and be unimpressed. Im definately not a shrinking violet and will quite happily say no to her if needed. She used to tell me that baby could only wear white until it was christened. I told her my baby will wear whatever i choose, and its not being christened.
She lives about 12 mile away so hoping that will mean not so much inpromptu visiting, but if worse comes to worse i will just not answer the door and pretend to be asleep!

I am worried about after the birth too with mil visiting. When she comes

Pressed send by mistake-stupid iPhone! When mil comes over to us she insists on coming 10 -4 no other times are possible so it takes up the whole day. We now usually try to go over to her so we get control of timigs but when baby first arrives this won't be possible. Thing is we have a lot of family and very close friends who will want to visit early on and it's only fair everyone gets a fair go and also dh gets some of his leave to spend just the three of us, not just making tea for visitors. I think we will have to try and tell her a time slot and say it's so we can fit in everyone. If she doesn't leave I am just going to gather up baby saying he needs a feed and take him off to bed with me until she gets the hint and leaves!

Hi Meconium, how are you?

My PIL wanted to get a car seat too, but we explained to them they'd not be going anywhere with the baby so no need! I think they all just get a wee bit excited.:)

hi jaggy :) good thanks. (Not posting so much so the rat smackers these days as i just cant keep up!)
was reading the hread on aibu about not answering the door, am feeling very lucky that when i sit in my living room noone can see in so can hide without anyone knowing im here, hoorah!

The car seat thing has come up this end, but yet again its only been from mil who has actually no car to use it in and has made it clear that it wasnt bought for us

even my own mum who does have a car and will be mostly able to take the baby out if needed hasnt mentioned getting her own car seat, obviously she thinks along the same lines that 1 bum = 1 car seat. after me talking to her again the other day it seems to have gone in 1 ear and out the other, i really hate things being so weird between us, i dont feel like now is the time for me to be worrying how she feels and yet i am. she insists on getting a new matress now for the moses basket, i said to her if we need to use it in our house then i will buy one, she ignored me so i let it go, she can waste her money on what she likes, think it may be the only way she will learn.

Only just read this thread whilst trying to come to terms with my own family issues. salempickles - your first post (with the moses basket) made me laugh like crazy ... which quickly turned into crying because I just had a phone call with my parents which had made me sad and angry. Your MIL sounds crazy but at least, I think, it is a bit more clear cut and it was obvious you needed to put your foot down, which you have done - well done. I think it is more difficult if difficulties are subtle, like in the case of my family. My parents live far away and - like in your case silver23 they are trying to live their lifes through me and this is causing all sorts of problems now that their first and possibly only grandchild is on its way. Like you, I am very careful in what I tell them so I told them about my pregnancy at a late stage - I had a horrible miscarriage last year which they didn't know about as I didn't want their anguish on top of mine. I am now very heavily pregnant and apart from phone calls warning me that I should have prepared everything by now (like I don't know) things have not been too bad. It had taken me lots of courage to tell my parents that I didn't want them round in the first two weeks when my partner is at home so it had been agreed that they come over three to four weeks after the due date. I am sure my parents thought this was cruel of me to ask but they accepted. Today, they rang to say that they would like to come a week after the due date. When I said that this was not what we had agreed, my father got sulky, like he always does, handed over the phone to my mother, and I heard him rant and comment in the background. My mother said they would only come for three days, and they would like to see the baby asap ... it made me feel bad because it sounded like I wanted to keep them away, and the old, familiar feeling of guilt (that my parents have given me so much etc and how do I repay them) has started to creep up again. On the other hand, I am so angry because they put so much stress on me at a time when I should relax and take it easy. We left it as per usual, my father being annoyed because he didn't get his own way, but being unable to tell me he is venting his anger at my mother, and she is trying to please everyone. Sigh.

OP you are a saint

i am dreading MIL knowing. My mother knows (i keep mother on a short leash, so that is no problem, she knows better than to be overbearing with me!) but my MIL... uuuuuurrrrrggghhhh. it's going to be such a nightmare. am over 14w now and DH still hasn't plucked up the courage...

she is going to baptise the baby in the bath while i'm not looking. i just know it. i won't care, but DH will go proper bonkers foaming-at-the-mouth mental and i am dreading having to snatch the babe and hole us both up in the bedroom while DH rants and raves and MIL plays the eternal martyr...

Oh, that sounds so familiar ladfoucault! I also just got off the phone this evening all upset about my parents' unexpected attempt to move up their visit. At least we've got PIL staking out the earliest weeks -- they've just bought tickets for 1.5 weeks after the due date. But they are normal humans who will actually help and listen to what we want, and have already talked about how they can go touring if we don't want them around for some days.

Now my Mum has talked with MIL and wants to come out as soon as they leave! I said I'd thought they planned to come in the summer when the baby is a few months old (which is what they said!). But my Mum acted shocked and all "oh, no, we couldn't possibly wait that long". I said that DH and I would like some time with the baby alone before they came. I kept saying July and she kept saying May but now at least she moved to mid-May instead of early May. But now I'm panicked that I'm going to have to be taking care of my Mum and a few week old baby at the same time, and getting judged about everything I do by my Dad, and having to entertain them both. Argh!

Silver, they are aware that you might not have even had the baby 1.5 weeks after your EDD, aren't they?

Which means they could see less of the baby than if they waited, and you could be fending them off trying to be with you when you're in labour/newly post partum!

Yes, PIL are aware -- I am fine with them around as they will be helpful. Part of the idea is that if there is no baby yet I'll probably be being induced and they can do things like run errands and be support for DH if I end up waiting around days in hospital (and feed the cats or whatever).

It's my folks who are the nightmare to handle! They never help, they just criticise and stand around while you're struggling. It was really cool to meet DH's parents and see how things could be different!

Ladyfoucault you could try saying this (what I'm saying) - that you want to be alone with dp for the duration of his paternity leave, then for them to come after as that is when you'll need their help the most..

salem You've done all you can I think! Sounds like that conversation you had with her, wasn't easy for you, but at least you know that you tried, and thst you've been reasonable. You said how you felt and how things will be. You can't change her, unfortunately. If she can't take responsibility for her weird behaviour, you certainly shouldn't. Bravo for your assertiveness!

Your post made me laugh OP! But I promise this is really hard even if the MIL is sensible mine is a much in demand nanny with 30 years experience - none of what she suggests/buys is bad but it does my head in. She seems obessed by the idea I can't cope with my baby and toddler. She came to help for a week when the baby was two weeks old. The constant 'advice' sounds a lot like critism after a while. She turned up and said in a disappointed voice 'I thought the house would be a real tip' (I'd made sure it was spotless because she was coming) it got worse from there. Choice gems were that the baby was sleeping too much, toddler seemed subdued and 'pushed out' and 'under stimulated' because I have him with the CM three mornings a week. She even told the CM this who was mortally offended! I think the CM is a lot more stimulating then watching me breastfeeding for hours. to top it all off she said she thought breastfeeding was really important 'but I do wonder if it's working in your case' I was really proud of how well I was doing when she arrived and a blubbering madwoman when she left.

Dont have any advice - its very hard to smile and nod with all the new baby hormones surging around. I Feel better for a rant!

Thank you igggi - this is exactly what I had told them a few weeks ago, and I thought they had understood. They have now again agreed to come a month after the due date but only after upsetting me (and me upsetting them, probably).

Indeed I sometimes wonder if would be better keeping birth a secret till they're about 2!

Salem I don't think there's anything wrong with having a moan/rant about an interfering MIL. You seem to have shown remarkable restraint so far! I applaud you.
I have 2 sets of PILS. It was my birthday on Saturday and all the family were over. StepMIL and FIL brought a box of beautiful baby things. I knew stepMIL had been buying stuff so I have deliberately not bought very much. I really appreciated it. They also bought me a fabulous overnight bag, which I have since packed for the hospital.
MIL, on the other hand, opened the top drawer in the newly decorated nursery and said, in disgust, "Dummies?!? tut" then later criticised the way I was holding my friends 9 month old (apparantly, her dress was all crushed. Erm, sorry, bump sort of in the way, and I had literally just taken her off from friend seconds before MIL appeared, so would've have fixed her dress eventually). I have a 15yo DD, a 2yo nephew who I see and babysit a lot, and friends with young kids, so have plenty experience, but she managed to make me feel like an idiot.
When she mentioned the dummy thing, I hit her (not physically, although it was tempting) with the fact that the use of a dummy has been shown to reduce the risk of cot death, I didn't even know if that was true (thought I had heard it somewhere) but just felt the need to say something. Aaaaaaarrgh! She does my head in!!