Anyone else having trouble with overbearing family members...

[salempickles]

or is it just me, im currently only having trouble with my MIL who i keep reminding myself is just really excited for her 1st grandchild, so far she has bought all second hand stuff from the neighbour of hers that used to be her grandchilds..... her grandchild is now 11, so say no more for the condition of the items she has bought.

i saw the moses basket yesterday that looked like jeses had once slept in it it was so old, broken straw bits etc, a car seat aged 4 yrs plus, a bath seat from aged 2, baby walker, some grey school tights (we havent even found out the sex so cant wait to see a boy wearing tights to school) see where this is going, yesterday i arrived to she had aquired the worlds first ever invented bottle steriliser.... i told her it wasnt even for the bottle make i had bougt and she told me it wasnt for me anyway its for when she has the baby.

i think i may have to buy her one of those lifelike dolls to give her something else to focus on instead of trying to rob my baby to make it play with a toy that looks like it came out of a skip, unless anyone else has advice how to handle her...

Ugh. I totally feel your pain. My ex's mum was/is like this. Within DAYS of ex and me telling her I was pregnant, she was phoning and telling us about this "Rolls Royce" of prams that she'd decided we NEEDED. We were nervous about buying anything in the first trimester, plus had NO IDEA what pram (if any) we wanted, so asked her not to buy it. We asked several times: PLEASE don't spend your money on something we're not sure about. She insisted. She spent hundreds on it. I used slings for the first year, and she made bitchy comments whenever she could. It was really hard because I felt so guilty (although looking back, I think we did everything we could to dissuade her).

I know a lot is said about these controlling MILs/Mothers being "well meaning" etc etc. I probably sound like a right bitter, old cow, but I really feel that they're being selfish. It's selfish to impose yourself on your daughter/daughter-in-law, and turn up uninvited. It's also pretty self-centred to "assume" you'll be very involved to the extent of baby staying with you! Seriously, women who do this, do NOT respect the mother-infant bond, or other people's boundaries. I have also always thought that the rampant "buying" that often happens is really the MIL/Mother essentially trying to muscle in, in a rather insecure way, as if they can't bear the fact that it's not about them.

Don't get me wrong, grandparents are really important, and of course they're excited, but behaving like this is just inappropriate. It also gets the new family dynamic that is developing, off to really bad start!

The reason it feels so controlling when they do it, is because IT IS. It feels like someone is trying to muscle-in on what is actually a really personal and special experience. Sometimes you might wonder WHO is actually going to be giving birth to the baby!!! It feels like your rite of passage is being encroached upon. With ex's mum, I always ended up thinking: "You had your chance love, this is MY EXPERIENCE". Why can't they express their grandmotherly excitement in more emotionally aware ways???

My own mum was/is great (luckily). With DS and with this baby, she's super excited, but she's more than aware that she's the grandmother. We went shopping together, and spent a lot of time chatting about baby care ideas and probably will this time too. It was great, even thought she didn't like some of my ideas (co-sleeping, breastfeeding long term), I never felt like she would try to change my mind. I also really appreciated when my parents gave us some money and said "have fun getting some lovely stuff for your baby". It was very generous in more ways than one.

My DH's mum has been great during this pregnancy so far. She's really excited about this new baby on the way, but has made NO assumptions about her role and how involved she will be. I guess it's because she knows we get on, and have a good relationship. She has not reason to "stake her claim", because I will be more than happy to fully involve her in our lives. She's been upfront though and has said: "we're here, and we will support you whenever you need us" i.e: we choose. Again, really warm, and generous. Why can't more MILs be like this!?

Badgerina I am so jealous of your new Mil, unfortunately my own is more like salem's, i do agree though that the ones who are like this are really insecure in themselves, i have a great relationship with my mum so her having the baby has never been an issue, whereas Mil i only rarely see when she isnt drunk, when she is sober she is really standoffish and abrupt with me, i just dont know hot to act around her, then she has a drink and suddenly were best mates.

salem i would certainly put your foot down now, to be honest she sounds dangerous to be left on her own let alone with a baby!

To add to my woes of this woman she has now just rung up to tell me she has bought a baby carrier type sling thing, i said oh dp will love that he was thinking of getting one anyway, oh no this is " for when i have the baby".

if i hear those 5 words again i am likely to kill her, everything she buyes and tells me about is for when she has the baby.

Badgerina - totally agree that interfering/controlling grandparents can't bear that it is not all about them anymore. Have talked to DH about the fact his parents seem to have empty nest syndrome and have to interfere in his and SIL's life all the time so that they can bring themselves back to the centre of attention.

Oh good god salem, tell your MIL in no uncertain terms to stop buying stuff as she will not be having the baby as often as she thinks. Then if she continues to buy stuff just let her waste her money.

salem How did your DH's chat with her go last night - sounds like it went in one ear and out of the other.

In your shoes, I'd now just go for the pregnant hormonal explosion technique, sounds like the woman has the hide of a rhino so even that might not sink in.

He told her to stop buying so much stuff, without exactly getting to the point though, i wasnt asking him to go in all guns blazing just have a quiet word about how she makes me feel. he came home and said we may need her help at some point so he didnt want to alienate her, everyone ive said to that she has bought her own steriliser has said she sounds weird so at least its not just me, I was talking to my friend today and she said it sounded like shes so gutted all the attention is not on her anymore so shes making up for it by doing all this and butting in, it is exactly how i feel though, i should be more happy but instead all i can think of is her taking over.

i do realise it sounds ridiculous but thats honestly how i feel, she certainly has empty nest syndrome, i said this to dp last year, her youngest son (whos now 32 and only left home last year) was possibly going to get made redundant, this was only speculation though, her response was to go out and buy a new matress for his old bed, a new tv and to ring him and his girlfriend and say they can move back in anytime.

im going to have to go and pick up fil later on tonight so i may have a word if she brings up anything again, i should be excited about buying stuff for my baby and im just not, i dread telling her anything and to be honest i cant even face talking to her cos she winds me up so much that shes actually pushing me away. Ive tried telling her the baby will be with me more than she thinks as i shall be breastfeeding, she doesnt take it in though so all i can do is keept saying not to waste your money, if she does then it is her own fault. i know for certain she will not be getting her hands on my baby as much as she'd like to though and i think thats all that matters, if she kicks up a fuss when its here then im truly prepared to walk away and have nothing more to do with her (i wouldnt stop dp or baby having contact, but as its me who will be main carer for the baby she wont have as much contact as shed like anyway), shes really making me feel this way, its sad its come to this but she will not listen to anyone. ive tried to get her to take a hobby up but nothing keeps her mind occupied as 2nd hand baby shopping does.

salem Wow. Your MIL has boundary issues.

I think the baby's mum gets to decide when, where and how her baby spends time with others, and who those "others" should be - this woman has made a MASSIVE assumption. Not only that your young baby will be spending so much time with her, (without mum judging by what she's saying), but that she will be carrying him/her in a sling!!! I think it's clear that she's desperate to BOND with this baby, to the extent that she's dreaming about strapping it to her! Positive grandparent relationships grow over time, they can't be forced!

You need to talk to her. If it were me, I wouldn't wait until the next time she buys something, or talks about "when the baby is with me" - your words will be lost to her. I would call her, and ask if you could come over and have a chat. Make it a specific time, to talk about this specific thing, so she realises from the start that it's an important issue.

You can say that you can see how excited she is, and what an involved grandma she's hoping to be, and then simply say that you want to make a few things clear. You can explain, that since you expect to be healthy and happy after the birth, and since you will be breastfeeding on demand, you don't expect your young baby to be apart from you, until both you and baby feel right about spending time apart. To me this seems perfectly natural - you're the Mama! She needs to know now that her expectations don't match your plans.

You must show her where the boundaries lie. It doesn't seem like she' very aware of them!

"she's desperate to BOND with this baby, to the extent that she's dreaming about strapping it to her" i know it shouldnt but that really made me laugh.

Ive tried the whole talking to her thing, like when we were out shopping for what i thought was ourselves yet turned into a mission to buy cot bedding, i just said simply i wasnt intending to buy anything like this yet until i knew what the sex wasnt even planning on decorating the nursery either as it will be in my room for the 1st few months. she carried on regardless so i said well ive already picked the ones i would like now i will buy them myself.

i saw her last night and she once again brought up the issue i dont have enough plain white babygrows so i said if and when i think i need more I WILL PURCHASE SOME, as i would like to be able to buy things for my own baby instead of having e verything chosen for me, i said it in a nice way though but exactly those words, she seemed to take the hint and go a bit quiet, and thats when she carried on cleaning the steriliser so i carried on saying she definitely wouldnt need it and maybe she should sell it to get some of her money back, i told her i would be breastfeeding and got the line oh but you can express for (altogether now) "when i have the baby". so by this point i was trying my hardest not to throw something at her, i just said calmly, i also have a mother, a father, a nan, stepmum and aunties who arent demanding this baby as much as you, its unfair to just expect me to give birth and hand the baby over, your not getting a baby, your getting a grandchild, if you have it as much as you want to when does everyone else get a day with the baby, let alone me, so for as long as it needs it will be staying with me which will be for the first few months at least as ill be breastfeeding him/her.

to be fair ive said all this before so i dont know if it will stick with her but im truly past caring how she feels now, i told her she had taken some of the enjoyment out of this for me by muscling in and deciding what to get for my baby without asking me, i told her half the stuff like baby carrier and moses basket would not be used and she had wasted her money, if she really wanted to help she could wait until its born and then we can decide what we need (trying to still include her, but really i know i wont want her anywhere near me for the first few weeks). i also mentioned that instead of taking over and visiting all the time she needed to let her grown adult of her own take responsibility for his child and the only way he will learn is to do it himself instead of having his mum come over trying to still treat him like the child.

i know she will of told all the family by now so ill be the worlds worst aughter in law ever trying to stop her seeing the baby, but i am sooo past caring1 (can you tell my pregnancy hormones have stepped up a notch recently)!
thansk for all your help everyone i just needed a kick up the arse to be able to say how i felt!

WELL DONE SALEMPICKLES

And it sounds like you did it without sticking the steriliser on her head and beating it with a large spoon whilst you did it!

Oh god Salem - she sounds like a nightmare - you've done the right thing challenging her - just make sure you keep re-emphasising it. My Mum's been super excited from the start but I've had to be firm with regards to her choosing things / asking to have him on her own etc. She's desperate for us to go out so she can babysit and whenever I mention going anywhere (docs, shopping etc) she says 'I'll watch him...' erm - no ta, I'll take him with me! (just wait till I'm desperate for a sitter - I'll cut my tongue out, lol!)

we've already had words about next Christmas - she moaned for us to spend last Christmas day with them so we went (I was still preggers then). reminded her several million times that fairs fair and that we'd be spending this coming Christmas with dh's parents. Fastforward to January and she started mentioning how excited she was for next christmas with the little one - reminded her that we'd be with PIL - she said 'oh but it'll be OUR first christmas with the baby' Hmm - it'll also be PILs first one and you were warned! LOL

Tbh - it's all in good nature and she's just excited - yours on the other hand is the devil! Good luck :)

She certainly is made of devil material, im waiting for christmas to come up as its also my mums birthday on xmas day and i didnt have dinner with her last year so this year will certainly be seeing my family (its more poignant actually as my stepmum is terminally ill, so providing she is still here at xmas it will be very emotional either way). but i can imagine the carry on she will cause, and actually cant wait to rain on her parade once again - think this is the only way i will keep getting my message across to her.

flisspaps, Thankyou ver much, when i left steriliser was still intact (if not even more worn out from the extra scrubbing she was doin on it with a scourer, but i guess when i left she drunk herself into a stupor and probably threw up in the thing! either way nobody will be using it !

Oh gosh can I pull up a chair and join in?

Well done Salem for having a talk with her, hope it does some good.

I feel terrible because my mil tries to be kind and helpful but sooo much of it winds me up. I'm quite happy to have second hand things, but I source them carefully to make sure they are good quality etc etc. however mil keeps bringing over these huge bags of horrible things she's picked up in a charity shop all dirty, bobbly, random sizes / seasons. It drives me mad, I hate them and don't want to put them on the baby! I feel awful because I know she's trying to help, she gave us money to pick out a cot which was very very kind, but I just wish she'd consult me on the other stuff. We live in a small flat and I'm bored of having to fill much needed drawers with stuff that I just can't stand to look at

Last week she bought the baby a really tacky chunky gold bracelet with diamonte on it. She said "baby can have this her whole life"- my heart sank, I hate it and really don't want to put my daughter in jewellery. Sigh.

I know it's trivial but it just winds you up doesn't it? She's a bit bonkers, a total hoarder and her house is a complete tip. I don't like the idea of baby staying there ever. She also smokes really heavily and I actually feel a bit sick at the thought of her cuddling my newborn, smelling so strongly of smoke , and I've seen just how vile her temper is on several occasions (she used to beat DH when he was little).

A few weeks ago she babysat DSS (6) while DH and I went to an all day antenatal course down the road. Now of course that was very kind of her, but my heart sank when we got in as she was asleep in our bed, DSS was still in his pjs, he had been on the Xbox all day and hadn't been fed. I'm not happy for this standard of care for my DC.. Sorry, just needed to vent too!

I don't think there's anything wrong in explaining to mil or whoever that you'd like to pick your own baby things- that's an important part of it surely?
A good friend of mine is having a terrible time with her mil who was upset that she didnt get to hold her grandson straight away after the mums emergency c section! Heaven forbid that they needed to bond and were both in shock! She also frequently tries to get newborn to stay over night, it's awful!

Oh believe me i feel your pain, i feel like a right moaning cow going on about it but i really need to vent about how she makes me feel, maybe it is my hormones making it seem so superior to everyone elses problems but right now this is a major thing for me, i cant believe your friends mil, not holding the baby right after a c section is taking it way too far and she should be lucky she never got something thrown at her head.
i think as you decribed your own mil mine would also be like this, baby would be sleeping or awake in crib whilst she was outside smoking, she has tried to give up but shes down from 15 to 10 a day instead, shes quit before so i know she can do it but just something stopping her this time, i dont know if its because they feel left out (i think its completely different for mothers and daughters, as im closer to my mum) so there could be that element of over compensating, but still there do need to be boundaries in place.

if i were you next time she brings stuff over id just say thanks for the thought its really kind but i had to throw a lot of the stuff you gave last time away as they were heavily ingrained stains and holes etc in some, just keep saying it till she gets the hint, as for the bracelet i dont know what to suggest but i can see it happening myself in the future, just keep it in a drawer so she knows you still have it and if she asks why she hasnt got it on just say something like oh she did but caught it on something and was in pain so ive stopped her from wearing it till shes older, hopefully by then she will of forgot about it. its horrible when someone elses well meaning ways make you feel irrational and wound up though.

With my first, my mum emptied the attic of any baby related items for us. This included newborn nighties with drawstring necks! I could not believe how dangerous they looked. Blankets with huge holes in (knitted like that, not torn) just right for a baby to get their hands and feet caught up in.

Feet to foot, carseats and baby monitors were all 'ridiculous'.

I was told at one point (when the date of my elcs, which had asked to be kept quiet, had been publicised to all and sundry) that 'it is not just your baby, you know'

Well done Salem for having it out with your MIL. So what if she tells family members you are the evil daughter-in-law, she needed to be told!

Well done Salem. I think now you have started telling her how you feel it will be easier to continue to stand your ground.

Kicking I hope your response was, actually it is just mine and my dhs baby.

Kicking - ive too had that conversation, i dont need a baby monitor, mil survived without one so doesnt deem them necessary, hates anything like grobags (anything in advanced modern nursing basically), i apparently also wont need drugs when in labour as she survived on paracetamol with water.

as for second hand, im not against 2nd hand anything but i prefer to pick my own, most of my baby clothes and bits are from charity shops but all in good condition or i leave it, the second hand car seat however, with pen marks all over it and the strap all frayed i put my foot down and said no i will buy my own thanks, now apparently im fussy!

i do wish my sil would hurry up and get pregnant so it would take some of the focus of me though

Holy crap I feel awful for all of you with nutty MILs :(

I hope you get on ok after the birth - even very nice GPs can go a bit baby mad!

I had serious rage when my PIL wanted to babysit DS while we went out for lunch when he was 8 days old. I'd only been out of hospital for 5 days after an EMCS so was not really feeling like it... FIL was on about us 'getting out of the bubble' or something.

Meant to say they are otherwise very generous and helpful, just get a bit overexcited!

omg, I've loved this thread, makes me feel so reassured that I'm not just being an evil witch for keeping her at arms length and being prepared to put my foot down. Normally I'm tolerant and polite but the thought of MY baby not being handled in a way I like has brought out the dragon in me bigtime...

I have the classic case of MIL with two sons who either a) still live at home at 40 or b) moved out at 30 to marry me. She's used to having everything her own way with them, and it's made extra tragic/pressured by the lack of any other grandchildren to take the onus off me, and her desperate longing for a daughter of her own. She had one, but the little girl died in infancy - very sad, but equally it's not really my job to put that right and she'slucky to be getting grandchildren at all. She doesnt yet know I'm having a girl but it'll ramp everything up a notch I'm sure...

It also doesnt help that she has some gross bad habits I absolutely hate that I dont want anywhere near my child (house being very dirty for one - dogs on kitchen table and not even wiped before eating off it!), and I get on REALLY well with my own mum who's been chilled and helpful about the whole thing.

I've spent a lot of time subtley marking out clear boundaries, and she's behaved pretty well so, but feel a bit at her mercy once the baby comes because she lives 1 mile away and my mum lives 2 hours away, and I'll be at a low ebb after the birth as it's my first and who knows what will happen? I'm just PRAYING I can breastfeed OK so I can use that as an excuse to keep the baby with me at all times!

I know it's going to be WWIII when we don't spend christmas here but to stop any grandparent wars I'm determined to start a new regime of OUR family holiday being somewhere miles away!!! I can also envisage me being the worlds worst daughter in law when I refuse to have it christened.....sigh

Oh, I feel for you all! Some of these ladies sound completely bonkers. And it also makes me so, so glad that my Mum lives on the far side of an ocean. I can completely see her doing some of these things if she could. As it is, she has some bizarre idea that she will be able to "babysit remotely" via video chat, so that I can "get some sleep". As the due date gets closer, she's talked about it more and more. I just sort of nod and smile and think, yeah, I can't see that working at all, and figure that will become obvious in time.

But if she were near enough to actually drop by, shudder, I'm sure she'd be telling me about how the baby would be staying with her and probably have a crib and all sorts of stuff as well. And she's also the type for whom saying things doesn't work she's schizophrenic, and while she's well-controlled on drugs, I've come to realise she lives in a slightly different reality and things she doesn't like to hear just sort of vanish from her world (and as she's of the paranoid variety, things I say sometimes morph into the oddest dangers and stuff she's thought up herself are the hardest to get out of her mind). So the giant body of water between us is a great relief right now...

I think my parents' problem is that I'm an only child and they seem to have no life of their own, living vicariously through me. Their Xmas card letters are exclusively about events in my life, not theirs! So they both try to control what I do (to the extent of trying to stop DH and I purchasing a house a few years ago! We purchased it anyway, and I'm really glad we did as since the whole market collapse there would be no way we could have bought one later) and are absolutely obsessed with everything in my life. I can see Mums with only sons also having the same type of life-glomming onto a DIL. Although I'm trying to take it as a life lesson -- given the agony I've gone through in this pregnancy and my age, LO could very well be an only, but I will do my darnedest to not tie my life to hers like my parents have to mine!

I can relate to so much of this unfortunately.
I was wondering if any of you have advice on how to diplomatically let my MIL know that I do not, under any circumstances, want her at the birth? She started by 'offering' and when I didn't say anything, partly because I was a bit startled, now assumes she will be there, holding a knee. Should I just be straight out with it and say 'I don't want you there' or is there a nicer way to go about it? I don't want to burn any bridges at this stage...

(My mum lives several hours away so might not get here on time).

Just say it upfront and/or don't tell her you're in labour. No point being subtle about something important.

I got DH not to tell anyone when I went to hospital, as I had visions of them milling around waiting for news outside somewhere.

There seems to be a pattern developing here doesnt there, Mother in laws with no life of their own, used to getting their own way, babying their grown up children, suddenly try to take over pregnant womens lives.... Ive tried encouraging mine to get out more (although she only seems to go as far as the pub). she was looking into doing a computer course so i got all the info for her, then she couldnt be bothered to go. you cant help people like this, sad but ive slowly realised im wasting my time with her.

i dont feel bad at all for trying to block out mil a bit. she has a daughter and when she is pregnant will no doubt get to be the interfeering & doting grandmother she wants to be, mothers and daughters have a totally different relationship and i think some mil's need to understand this (its often hard though when they only have sons and see you as their daughter, they become too attached i think then). i am my mums only daughter so this is her once in a lifetime opportunity really to be there for me when i need her. to be honest the way she has carried on mil would be the last person i nw turn to for advice or baby sitting duties, i just dont feel i can trust her as she hasnt cared about my feelings at all the past few months. its sad as i dont intentionally want her to stop being involved but until she has learnt about boundaries then i dont want her near me. feel sorry for dp as he is in the middle and sees it from both sides, me needing to accept everything and get all excited for our baby but for her also way too excited and showing this by trying to control everything. at least he agrees with me about her for now anyway.

as for the being there in labour conversation... i know what you mean about it being so absolutely ridiculous that they are saying this to you that you sit there in shock at first and dont really know what to say, but now is the time to say that you dont want her there, be as tactfully as you like or just blurt it out but say you have asked for your partner and your own mum to be birthing partner, just saying it now will give her time to get used to the idea, i dont think youd want her there while your in labour and then have to tell her to get lost so better now than never. i wouldnt dream though of just saying to someone i will be there when you give birth, its a very personal thing for a couple and you dont need people there who you dont actually want there. my own mum has asked to be there and i kept on saying no, until 1 day she said to me you do realise i only want to be in the waiting room dont you, i dont expect to be in the room while you actually give birth as thats between you and dp - could of literally cried cos she just understood me like mil doesnt.

This thread makes me thankful for having a lovely DM and MIL who have been incredibly helpful, non-interfering and very supportive (to my face at least, there may have been grumblings about my BF and BLW ways and not leaving 2yo DD overnight anywhere because I don't feel the need to go out and get hammered)

I'd just say to MIL you want it to be just you and DH at the birth, that you are only allowed 1 birth partner and that hospital maternity units in the UK generally don't have a waiting room (unlike the US system where you can have the entire street in there) so DH will call once baby is born to arrange a visit (NOT at the first ctx or to give regular updates on the state of your cervix!)