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Original poster

"Was it planned?"

64 replies

PlinkertyPlonk · 13/11/2011 12:50

Have you been asked this? I just think it's a really rude question to ask someone, but maybe I'm being over-sensitive and hormonal Confused

It was the response from my neighbour when I told her I was pregnant. I also thought it was pretty tactless to ask in front of my step children.

I can understand her curiosity (especially as I also told her DP and I were getting married), but to ask? It's none of her bloody business!

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Crosshair · 13/11/2011 13:29

Nope, 33 weeks today. I agree its pretty rude.

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 13:33

It depends. If it's an old friend who has previously told you they never want children and left her ex days before their wedding because she never wanted children and he did then I think it's ok to ask nicely.

If it's a random person then it's none of their business and you would be excused if you cheerfully said "Well something was going to happen the way we'd been going at it and it was either pregnancy or a UTI!"

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 13:33

I can see both sides of it tbh. I suppose when you look at it, it is quite rude to effectively say 'Were you having sex with the intention of getting pregnant or was this an accident' Grin but what most people are really asking is 'How does this fit in with your plans - are you OK with it' 'Will this change your wedding plans' etc. I think it's one of those things that you have to take as it's intended really if you can... if not, just say something funny or crass Grin

whenskiesaregrey · 13/11/2011 13:39

Yes, I do think it is a bit rude. I think people should assume that if you have told people about the pregnancy, that it is something you are happy about and they should leave it at that. I find it a bit like questioning how responsible you are.

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 13:40

My DS was an accident. Does it make any difference to anything or indicate how responsible I am? No.

PaintYouByNumbers · 13/11/2011 13:42

I agree it is so rude, they may as well just ask if the condom broke!

SeriouslyStrongCheddar · 13/11/2011 13:43

Yep, my hairdresser asked me this when I told him I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago! That's just him though - will say whatever's on his mind and I've known him long enough to not be surprised or offended! To be fair, I did just buy a two seater car in May, so can see his point....Grin

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 13:50

SSC Grin

I think you just need to accept that people are making conversation with you and unless they've been on MN have no idea that 85% of what they say is offensive.

Original poster
PlinkertyPlonk · 13/11/2011 13:52

She's not someone I or DP know very well, but DP's children and her children sometimes play together.

I was clearly happy about the news and the children were excited; I just made a joke of it as best I could (bearing in mind that the children were likely to take anything I said literally, otherwise your line, Katie, would have been perfect!). I suspect she was probably just stuck for words. However I just think it's bad manners to ask in such an indelicate way.

A couple of close friends have tactfully asked, in the middle of a long conversation about babies, if I'd been trying for long (as I've been off their radar for a while) and one very close friend who said "Oh good, no point faffing around! Can I baby-sit?" which made me smile a lot!

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Original poster
PlinkertyPlonk · 13/11/2011 13:59

My pregnancy (and the marriage) was planned, but it happened more quickly than expected (against the odds as I'm getting on a bit). The scheduling just went out of the window!

I went to school with a girl who was always known in her family as 'the accident' (she was the youngest of 6, all girls apart from no. 5 who was the boy:)). Fortunately she quite liked it as it meant she was different from the rest, but it could scar someone for life!

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cat64 · 13/11/2011 14:00

This reply has been deleted

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KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 14:04

Yes I won't be proudly telling DS he was the result of a contraceptive failure and then a rational decision to keep him after a trip to BPAS. He is wanted and loved which is all that matters. I am not ashamed of how he came to be. Not at all but neither do I think it's something he needs to hear about.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 14:10

Plinkery - you see, what was probably going through her mind was 'Was that planned?? I can't imagine having kids this age and starting again with nappies & sleepless nights Shock' Would it have been so hard just to have said what you said here? My pregnancy (and the marriage) was planned, but it happened more quickly than expected (against the odds as I'm getting on a bit). The scheduling just went out of the window!

cat64 :)

Original poster
PlinkertyPlonk · 13/11/2011 14:16

Chipping, spot on. That's what I spluttered out and agree that could well have been what was going through her mind (or in the case of my close friend - "Oh my god, you're going to be funding Uni fees just as you become an OAP"!! Grin)

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ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 14:30
Grin

My turn for a nosey Q or two Grin

Are you changing the plans for the wedding or will you be a beautiful bride with a bump?

Are you SDC happy about the baby too?

FWIW babies are scrum and are worth every single sleepless moment and dirty nappy in my book!! Grin

Rollersara · 13/11/2011 14:40

I was asked this by a work colleague, in an open plan office. Hmm. I can't recall exactly what I replied, but it was along the "Yes, but faster than expected" line. I still think it's quite rude.

Poweredby200mgofCaffeineaday · 13/11/2011 15:01

The nurse at the surgery asked me that and I was a bit surprised but I guess from her point of view it's just a random person and could go either way! I would definitely find it rude if a colleague said that though!

SeriouslyStrongCheddar · 13/11/2011 15:14

ChippingIn - yep, very happy (or will be when the constant nausea and exhaustion calm down a bit). Baby was planned. I just really like my car too Grin. Baby seat can go in DH's car!

MockCroc · 13/11/2011 15:39

I was asked this by the massage therapist at the spa. The very first question she asked me after I had disclosed my upped-duffness. I was gobsmacked. Not least because she was about 12 years old...

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 15:45

SSC - I was actually asking Plinkity if her step DC (SDC) were happy with the idea of a new sibling Grin

However, I am thrilled to bits that you are happy to be pregnant and that DH's car can be used when you all go out Grin When are you due? Actually, your hairdresser was probably wondering what affect it would have on your lush locks!! Grin

It's not on to ask this in a work environment as it could have quite an impact on your position

SeriouslyStrongCheddar · 13/11/2011 15:55

ChippingIn - sorry, I actually wasn't sure if it was directed at me or not, but sometimes people on other threads have mistyped me as SDC so can be hard to tell; must read threads properly instead of just scanning and posting! Blush

TooImmature2BDumbledore · 13/11/2011 16:00

Someone once asked me who the father was - this was a woman I had just been introduced to! I went Hmm and said 'my husband'. Weirdo.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 16:02

SSC - don't be sorry!! :) I'm more than happy to hear about your pregnancy. I love good news and babies. I could ask you a hundred questions and still be interested... chat away!

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 16:03

TooImm - blimey Shock that's a step too far, especially from someone you've just met!!

GardenersDelight · 13/11/2011 16:12

Yes I have on the first visit from midwife (moved shortly after having DD1) I assume as DD1 was only 10 mths but i was shocked by her tactlessness, could have at least phrased it better!