"Was it planned?"

[PlinkertyPlonk]

Have you been asked this? I just think it's a really rude question to ask someone, but maybe I'm being over-sensitive and hormonal

It was the response from my neighbour when I told her I was pregnant. I also thought it was pretty tactless to ask in front of my step children.

I can understand her curiosity (especially as I also told her DP and I were getting married), but to ask? It's none of her bloody business!

I think it depends on the person asking the question. DP's ex asked this when she found out about DS 1. The snear and horror on her face (plus other beliefs she holds) suggested that she thinks kids are vile, and we are too poor and our jobs are too shite to afford children. Delightful.

Medical people, I think, ask it to check you're happy with the pregnancy but I prefer the way my GP asked: 'how do you feel about being pregnant?' Sounds a bit like a therapist but more tactful I think.

I think it's very rude, and have been asked this twice during this pregnancy, once by an ex colleague who is generally rude anyway, but the best was when my DH's Grandma asked him if a) it was planned and b) if he was happy about it! We have been married for 4 years and it is our second DC - so thought it was a bit of an odd response.

If anyone else asks this question I shall let them know that seeing as we usually only have sex at birthdays and Christmas it was very much planned :)

I am the sort of person who asks this question.
Well, used to, wouldn't now I don't think, have read too many threads like this on MN.
I am fascinated by how other people's lives turn out, the unexpected twists and turns. How people respond. It's the scientist in me.
That's why I want to ask. Also, I seek a connection because me and nearly all my relatives (& DC) were "unplanned". It's the norm for us. I find all of life's surprises to be fascinating opportunities and interesting talking points.

For a lot of people I think it's just chitchat.

Actually I was a bit when a couple of people at work asked then when I said it was a bit quicker than planned they asked if I needed to be reminded about where babies come from. Thats really the only time I thought it was a bit much.

Yeah, I've had a fair few people ask me if my pregnancy was planned.

They're all random smallminded people who've asked as anyone close to me would know how much me and DP wanted a baby. I think it says more about the people asking than that it does about the wonderful prengant lady!

I think its really, really rude to ask. my MIL asked, typical. DH is a gp, i'm a physio, we know enough basic biology between us to not conceive if we don't want to...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think if they're nosey they could say 'how do you feel about it?'. Much more sensitive. Of course, because it's not the sensitive type that'll ask, you'll never get that!

I keep getting asked now- 17 weeks with twins and a DD of just 14 months. Doing my head in!!!

How very :( that most of you are so convinced that you were only asked so that the questioner could accuse you of being irresponsible. Honestly, that never crossed my mind when I asked (in past). Unexpected does not equal unwanted at all in my mind. The two are almost entirely separate.
I will cop to being nosy, but lots of nosy questions get tolerated in life.

I guess I'm hopelessly naive because I don't see how shame should ever be attached to any pregnancy (unless brought about by force or deception, anyway, and then only on the guilty person's part, which really would be a quite specific personal question!).

If people asked if DC were planned I say no and I laugh about it. If they have some unkind notion in their mind about what that means I shrug it off. Their problem, really.

(Quite pleased to discover I have a thick skin about something, at least).

For me, it's not about accusations of irresponsibility. It's about respecting the boundary between what's personal to me and what's up for public discussion and to not cross it just because someone is being nosey and wants to satisfy their own curiosity.

I got this from my dad. Once I'd recovered from the discussing that I have sex he then asked "Did you do it to trap [DH]?"

I was in shock!!! We've been married a couple of years, started dating nearly a decade ago and have a good stable relationship. Why would I need to trap him?

Also raises interesting questions about my own conception....

Everyone iv told so far has asked me that, it wasn't planned but that doesn't make me any less happy about it! I hate that question

I asked my daughters nursery teacher that question totally by accident and was immeadiately hugely embarassed and apologised about a million times

what I actually meant was 'oh you've just got married and now you are having a baby, that's worked out beautifully for you hasn't it?' (a few of my friends went to her wedding and her husband was joking about catching up with his brother on the children front now that they had got married)

so why 'was it planned' popped out of my mouth I have no idea

i love that question, if i used to say no with DC1 i would end up getting some rediculous question like "oh but are you happy?"

Favorite this time has to be old lady on bus who asked if they have the same father, love it

Fully agree with ragged this pregnancy was unplanned. I'm also not irresponsible, and TBH I'm finding some of the replies here quite offensive. It has never ever bothered me if someone has asked me tat question. Why would it? Does it mean I'm going to love this DC less than DD (who was planned?)