DH is being awful...help!

[hippieshake]

I understand that my hormones are all over the place, and I'm being a bit snappy. Plus I'm shattered and feel sick all day long.

DH is not coping well with this though. He hasn't been near me since we found out we're pregnant. He keeps complaining that he's tired because he has to help out with the housework now. He keeps going into a sulk at me.

I've just had to rearrange a delivery from B&Q that he arranged, because he forgot to book the day off work to be home for it. I phoned him at work to say I'd sorted it for another day and his response was 'what the f* did you do that for?! I was going to try and get Wednesday off.'

Is anyone else experience this? I'm not sure if he's stressed out about it all, or what's going on.

Help!

I don't know, hippieshake... I think men have emotional reactions that are often different to women's. My DH was definitely in on me getting pregnant (you'd hope so!) as in he had agreed that we could start trying, but he was very, very shocked when I got that first bfp! I think he was quite helpful (it was nearly 6 1/2 years ago), but became quite quiet and withdrawn - and he grew a beard!

It's scary! Apart from their partners and lives changing, there's the prospect of life changing completely, there's the whole 'me man, me provide' thing where they can feel trapped by needing to be the provider, some feel left out because you and the growing baby have a much more intimate connection... all sorts of possibilities. It's impossible to guess what your DH's problem is!

Ask him. If he won't talk about it, then tell him what you need and don't need. He'll come round at some point, I'm sure. Failing that, kick him in the balls and tell him to get over himself!

Thank you. I think that it is probably just all a bit too much for him to take in at the moment. I guess that because he still looks at me and doesn't see a huge bump it's hard for him to think I'm pregnant. So when I'm emotional or sick he isn't relating it to that.

xx

Hi Hippieshake - I had exactly the same problem with my OH. He is usually the most caring and considerate person in the world, but the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy was hideous. He was really moody, would stay late at work most nights having a few beers with his mates (which he only ever used to do on the rare Friday) and on one occasion he drank so much he had to stay the night at his bosses house, but only told me when I was halfway through dinner ? I?d called him when I got home to check what time he?d be back and was cooking dinner for that time. On top of that I was suffering with a severe attack of hormones and the midwife/doctor signed me off work for 2 weeks because work was so stressful and so was home life. I was miserably and really regretting our decision to have children, I felt like we were falling apart. In the end my dad had a bit of a man to man with him, I?m not sure what was said, but literally over night he changed. I?m 26 weeks now and we?re back to our very happy selves. I broached it all with him after the dust settled and he said he didn?t really know what happened he just went into panic and felt he couldn?t cope. He was worried about providing for me and a baby and said he freaked out.

He now feels totally happy about everything, he?s engaging more in the pregnancy and is back to being the wonderful person he was before.

I really do sympathise with you, it?s a horrible thing to go through and at a time when you?re feeling your most vulnerable. The key is to talk about it and how you?re both feeling and hopefully you?ll end up with the same outcome as we did.

xxx

That's made me feel better. He is usually so kind and patient. I just think he is overwhelmed perhaps.

I'm going to the Doctors myself today because I feel like crap and could do with some time off work too. I even feel guilty and have been crying about that though. Hopefully they will sign me off even just for a week and then maybe after some rest we will both feel better.

xx

Ive had a rough couple of weeks in much the same way too, I think as well as the 'oh my god its a baby, quick panic and bury your head in the sand' that men go through additionally I think my OH never quite realised just how much I do in the house so now as he has to share its been a hell of a shock for him - it will settle down, say your piece though I think you owe that to yourself

Glad it made you feel a little better, I don't think everyone experiences it, but I do think it's fairly normal for couples to go through this in some form or another. The best thing I did was speak to my parents and the doctor, before then I was trying to cope with it all on my own and that was making so miserable.

I really do feel for you, I really do think it will pass though. xxx

I think it's totally normal. DH was in denial for the first trimester, in shock during the second trimester (following the scan) and terrified throughout the third trimester! It's a tough journey for all concerned. It emerged around week 20 or so that DH didn't want to put any added pressure on me so was bottling things up but I gently explained it was ok for him to feel scared and apprehensive but it wouldn't help either of us if we didn't communicate.

Would it help to spend some quality time together (possibly away if you can?) and talk things through at a time when you are both feeling a bit more relaxed and not emotional giving each of you the chance to share your fears and concerns and support each other.

Good luck with everything.

It's so reassuring that it's not just me and my DP. I was beginning to feel so alone. I just hope things get better.

Where I am you can go on courses to prepare the relationship for the arrival of a baby. Is that an option for you? Sometimes my DH hears things more clearly if they come from other people. Also being given exercises to work through are good at bringing up things in a way that you wouldnt otherwise discuss.

I know what you mean about men just not 'getting' it. My DH is happy I'm pregnant (he should be, given it took 2 years and we narrowly avoided IVF!) but it is all too abstract for him to really comprehend that I am actually growing a person and so am very tired and don't particularly want to be cleaning up after him as though he is a child...

When I asked about him coming to the 20 week scan, he asked if he had to (?!) and when said 'don't you want to see the baby moving around?' he said 'but I'll see that when it's born!' I mean, how do you respond to that?!